The Children (on Christmas) and updates from blogcation

So there we were on Christmas Eve, and as family arrived and shuffled into the house with armfuls of delicious fattening Christmas food, and pretty wrapped packages with the kids names written on them, the first thing I thought of as I watched it all come into the house was the comment section of a recent post I had written. The one all about keeping the toys to a minimum this year-- where some folks had asked how do we get our family to comply to our wishes and keep the no noisy mindless toys policy enforced? to which I responded: "We have no idea. We just started down this path. I think it is a situation where they look to Cole and I to see what we think is best and follow that lead. There really isn't a ton of resistance. At least we don't think."

Ha! Let's just call it a big strike one at our first attempt to keep Christmas under control. We were really happy that almost all of the choices for LB were beneficial in some way and designed to help him along with aspects of his OT, PT, and SLP. So how can we complain if there was a noisy battery powered hunk of plastic thrown into the mix.

The Littlest Buddies BIG gift this year was from his GG Mama who got him all of series one of Signing Time. And LB was sincerely the most excited about the DVD's when he saw them, he wanted to stop all of the gift exchanging and just start watching.

In the end we were just smashed by the generosity the family pours onto LB and Tessa and were absolutely powerless while we watched The Littlest Buddy participate in unwrapping gifts. What he was opening was trumped by the fact that he was actually opening up all of the boxes. In the past years he hadn't had the power in his hands and flexibility in his fingers to tear open the packages very well, and even just last year would get frustrated and tired after a couple of presents. He had such a focused face this year and just mowed through all of the presents he could get his hands on. He makes the same face when he is concentrating that Cole makes when she cuts hair. Hilarious-- the focus face. We let him open up all of Tessa's presents as well, all but one. My mother wrapped her gift up to Tessa in tissue and tied the end loosely with some yarn and let her go at it for awhile. It kept her busy for a good 15 minutes. All super fun for us to watch.

So I put together a little video of Christmas eve and Christmas morning and set it all to a big epic song-- and Cole and I have been watching it like crazy and realized how much fun we actually had this year. We managed some really nice quiet moments on Christmas day, which didn't happen by design, so when we realized we were in a thick of calm and comfort we really sunk into the time and enjoyed it. Of course before Christmas was over we were already planning on how we can avoid it all next year and go on vacation somewhere. Something we had really hoped for this year and didn't manage to pull off. Despite that, it is on the wish list of things to accomplish for 2010.

Happy Little Children from The Panic Room Videos on Vimeo.

As I have written before, Christmas was always a sour time of year for me, and of course it is all sweetened now by these amazing moments with Cole and LB and Tessa. I have this incredible little family now that keeps me calm and smiling. But that little angry ball of fire is still in there somewhere and it had always been burning bright and hot from envy and wishing for picture book moments with my own mom and dad and my sister-- who has been so far away from all of us for as long as I can remember. I am happy to say that this year I have been able to talk to my sister more and it really started to fill in some of these holes in my gut. It felt good to be connected. I think I can admit that I miss my sister. I miss her. And it feels good for us to be talking about growing up and putting the puzzle together some. So for me this was one of the best parts of the holiday and anytime connections and camaraderie start over shadowing gifts then it feels like I must be on the right path.

As far as the big holiday blog break has been going... it has been awesome. I absolutely love it when LB is out of school, he is just such a different little boy and we all have so much fun together. Tessa has been threatening to crawl for weeks and adding on plenty of chunk for padding to prepare herself for all of the falling and face plants as she starts moving around the house. I have been shooting like crazy and excited to share a bunch of these new projects here on this blog after the new year. One of which is a HUGE hair project I have been shooting for Cole for the salon, she really busted her ass and put together a ton of work for me to capture. My buddy and I made 3 music videos for my best friends band Rabbit that has an album launching in January. I started a new maternity series for a friend that I am really excited about. Cole and I can stop wishing for some of our friends to have babies now, because it happened! and we couldn't be more excited for them. I started shooting this new series of her at week 16 and am really happy with how it's turning out. I wanted to make sure that I wasn't just repeating what I had already done with Cole's series and truly take inspiration from what I had done rather than rip myself off, just to end up with the same exact thing. So as the year winds down and we are getting ready for the New Year I am going to keep plugging away at projects and get all of this stuff ready to show off. Cole will also be taking the blog over for some time in January while I am doing a shoot in Vegas. She took the blog over for a week in January last year. So perhaps we have a new tradition.

I truly hope everyone had as much fun as they could squeeze out of the holidays and have plenty of smiles stored up to keep pushing through the winter. I know it has been a real up and down year for a ton of people, and from many of the blogs I follow people are figuring out how to keep their shit together and their families strong. So everyone keep up the spirit of the season, keep pushing for good things to happen, and Happy Holidays to all of you.

All the Love in the Universe ~ Us

A Few Words From LB on Christmas Morning

In the past month Cole and I have noticed that The Littlest Buddy has really started to push himself to verbalize and use new sounds-- and he has actually been trying out talking more and more. It's small steps, little bits of progress, every new sound is a surprise and cherished. We turn into fools, repeating: "say it again, say it again!" Cole missed out on that little bit of wonderful where babies start repeating what they hear, and saying super cute little phrases and sounds. So now at 5 years old LB is starting to realize the power of his words, making us laugh, and getting what he wants when he does speak.

Ho Ho Ho from The Panic Room Videos on Vimeo.

Hope everyone had the best Christmas they could muster.

More soon...

All the Love in the Universe ~ Me

Under The Same Christmas Moon

I have a friend in my life that keeps me from drowning in too much holiday cheer, he would remind me that the Holidays aren't always shiny and bright and wrapped in a pretty red bow for everyone. And then finally last year he recorded this song to really cement what it feels like to be alone on Christmas.

Merry Christmas everyone. Be sure you called everyone that needs calling today :)

All the Love in the Universe ~ Me

A Place Holder

As much as I hate to do it, as much as it feels like lousy laziness, I have to take some time. It felt like my birthday yesterday was the last day of calm and relaxation I have pencilled into the Dec calendar. We didn't even manage to make it the whole day, all of the sudden we were up all night long battling down a high fever cooking The Tangerine, we woke up today and had to cancel a huge photo shoot to care for sick kids, I realized that I have too much to do in the next couple weeks to still give this blog the attention I am used to.

So with that said...

In order to get all the things done, to wrap up the year the way I want, to do all the gettin that I need gettin done, and to be sure that I make good on Christmas plans and promises to these children and wife, I need to take some vacation time from the daily updates and get my head down and focused and start scratching things off this list of mine. So... I am going to be back here and there along the way when I can, but the rest of December is crazy busy, and so I am going to slip into the holiday shuffle and take a vacation from the daily updates for now. I will be back along the way with some nice surprises, and new shoots, and plenty of holiday cheer, and I am certain some personal melt-downs and bah-humbugging along the way. I apologize in advance, Christmas has always managed to shake a good bit of the darkness out that has built up during the year.

In the mean time. I will be posting-- just not as frequent. I will be sure to get some pictures up soon, along with my birthday letter and portrait. (I am not weaseling out of that)

I always like to post music videos behind on my place holders so here is one by the Portland based band Ramona Falls, that I just can't stop watching...

Good luck to everyone getting thru the holidays, is it really the most wonderful time of the year? Get back to me on that.

All the Love in the Universe ~ Me

The End of 34

So every year since I have started journaling, I write a birthday letter and make lofty promises to myself about all the things I am expected to achieve within the new year of life I am about to live-- perhaps to create some sort of contract with myself so I take it more serious. I have found from a very young age that it absolutely helps to goal set in these one year increments. I chose my birthday to do it... the New Years Eve promises never came true because I am always drunk when I make them. Who keeps drunken promises? Nobody! Thats who. So whether it is the pressure, or will-power, I have always made good on these birthday promises. So far so good. I have a good streak going. With that said, this is the first time that I have had to do this knowing that so may others will read whatever I lay out there, and so I am finding that I have some apprehension and doubt all of the sudden about what to put down on the list of achievable heights. I'm trying to figure out if that is part of getting older: Am I losing the last little bits of dreamy magic that make me want to take chances and humiliate myself while trying to chase the tiger down, or is it just more pressure than I am used to? Anyway, my birthday is tomorrow, and so as I prepare to find some quiet and write this new letter to my 35 year old self I figured I would link back to last years letter for the new readers. Thanks so much for reading here, it has been an incredible memory of my 34th year of being me.

Treat yourself - - The yearly promises letter

All the Love in the Universe ~ Me

Equal Ground

I was all set to write a self deprecating ball-busting rant about collapsing to the neighborhood pressures of fitting in and making LB happy by climbing up on a ladder and attaching blazing bright holiday lights to the edges of our house and surrounding shrubbery for the first time. But I can't write about that this morning and try and be all hilarious. Because I feel bad.

I am sitting out in our living room, it's the third day in a row that LB has woken up in the darkest hours of morning determined to wake the rest of the house. I can hear him right now, lying in his room, smacking his skinny legs against his bed in that hut-two-three-four rhythm over and over again like some Nazi death march, the noise booming down the hall and bursting into this room killing any and all chances of any more sleep I might manage this morning. So I just open up and write and listen to this wide awake little boy entertain himself in the dark with his "quiet toys." He is wired to be awake. It isn't his fault. He isn't being bad or defiant, he is doing what his body was made to do. Lately, in battling these early risings, trying to keep him quiet enough for Cole and the baby to stay asleep, I have been feeling like a total failure as a parent. Every morning I am an ineffectual bystander to the will of this 5 yr old boy and can do nothing but distract and deflect the noise for Cole. Cole has the work schedule and the responsibility of her physical presence to be her best for the people she works on during the day. She requires more sleep than I do. I am the one with the flexible schedule, so I have become the one who gets out of bed and tries to deflect the noise and the bad decisions that LB makes in the early hours of the morning. I am typing all of this out with such reluctance because I am not looking for anyone to say the contrary, I don't want to hear that I am not doing a bad job. Or that I am a good parent. I am not looking for a pump up to tell me anything different. That is most certainly why I am closing the comment section down today. I am telling you that this is part of the territory with SMS. I am telling you that this is part of the deal. It is how I feel. Every day. Like a lousy parent. Cole and I become a kind of prisoner to the whole thing.

So as I am sitting here thinking about all of the ways that I failed yesterday at doing enough to stimulate and get LB to exert enough energy and mental muscle to be exhausted enough to maybe sleep till 5:30AM, I am also feeling a little burdened and bothered about yesterdays post-- and all of this thinking just started to make me feel bad. I forget sometimes when I write that not everybody that reads here has been reading from the start, and has knowledge of how things have been going, or what the deal with SMS is. So I read that post again about the shedding of the toys, and I am reading my words and I just don't like the tone. Let me be clear. Cole and I are not the people that roll our eyes and think other parents are absurd for not doing things the way we do them. I promise you, nobody living in this house is breaking out the party hats and self congratulating about being terrific parents. We are doing the very best we can and I am writing about the ups and downs along the way, but nobody here has anything figured out. I am writing this, because if I had just stumbled along this blog, and had no idea who LB was, or SMS, or any of the backstory, I would have read that last post and thought: "geez, this guy really thinks he is something else." And I would have left one of those super annoying anonymous "you need to get over yourself" comments that are so popular.

So on the other side of that thought, It was really sincerely awesome to get comments and stories and examples of other people doing the same thing with the downsizing and shedding of toys. I was surprised by them actually. The stories and reasons why those parents have made these decisions are commendable and brave, and I am sure all of them have their own personal reasons for going down that road. I started to realize when people were mentioning books, and philosophies, and schools of thought that I had never heard about that there was some movement I was not aware of, a clear line to give kids a simpler life that would bring out potential and brightness. But Cole and I didn't sit around out of the goodness of our hearts and think thoughtfully and carefully about this path we are on, it wasn't a backlash to the dilemmas of the modern commercialized world. We didn't read about it and think: "this is it! We have to do this for our children. We have to save them from all the madness." We are doing it out of necessity. We are watching LB react to the world around him and trying to build a better place that he will be comfortable in. So I started to feel disingenuous about the post; had I explained the reasons behind our decisions in a clear way? I started reading about these other families that had made conscious clear calculated decisions, that had researched a philosophy and made it a priority to give their children specific experiences, and I felt like I wanted to put on the brakes and say "WHOA! Wait. NO." We didn't do that. We are just a couple of assholes really struggling to get all this shit right-- so that this little boy with this complicated problem has the best shot at an independent life. I never use this blog to try and make other people feel lousy about their own parenting styles and choices. I know for certain that there is no universal right way to do any of this. I don't hate people who spank, or think hospital births are lame, or think you're evil for dressing your baby girl in pink, or think you're a ding dong for buying a mechanical plastic dinosaur that ROARS when you press a button. The things we do work for us, and make us alive and thrive, but they are not things that work for everybody else.

I was born in a hospital, wore blue and given footballs as a baby, was spanked and lectured, was a latch key kid, I was allowed to swear like a sailor at the dinner table, ran wild, rebelled every chance I had, I was a handful, I was a horrible pain in the ass to my mom and dad-- So whatever it is that they did or parented-- I like the way I turned out. My parents did the best they could, they made up their own rules and tried their best. That is the whole deal. As a kid. I knew that they were trying their best. That makes all the difference. That is the difference. I knew they were trying hard for us. They gave us the best life that they knew how to give.

I am writing all of this all bleary eyed and exhausted from LB's sleep terrorism, because I never want this blog to be a place that feels like a brag. The exception being that I will brag about the love I have for my wife and the children because I am endlessly proud of them. They are the best. The best! But as far as the rest of the thoughts that land here, they are our stories that I am sharing, knowing that not everyone that finds their way here will agree with most of the things I say and do. It is cool to find common ground and validation for troubling issues, support from parents of special needs kids, parents of newborns, lovers of photography, young married couples, a real community. It has amazing moments, but I also read around the blog world and see so many examples of ugliness and mean spirited rivalry, and it has been so bad at times that I think, I should just hit the delete button on this entire project, I don't want to be a part of this. The good outweighs the bad, and I keep writing. However, I did not want to keep writing without saying something about all of this. I rarely if ever address or talk about a blogging community. I feel like the smart path is just shut my mouth, write what I want, I will never ever please everyone so never try or kid myself into thinking it is possible. So I will. That is what will happen. I just had to make sure that people knew that I am aware of all of this, and can say that these feet are firmly planted on the ground, walking around just like everybody else trying to build the good life. I am rooting for all of us. All on separate paths trying to get to the same place.

All the Love in the Universe ~ Me

Chipping Away

Last week I posted the first baby step to a bigger goal of downsizing LB's chaotic toy life, and took some time to show off the first DIY play area we made for him. Cole and I were excited to get contacted by Oh Dee Doh saying they wanted to show off the work we did to their readers, and they wrote up a great post which you can see here. It felt nice to see an idea that we had embraced and shared, and it was just further validation that we were on the right path. Thanks to Apartment Therapy and Oh Dee Doh and in case you have never lurked around their neck of the internet. Treat Yourself.

As a next step in the downsizing project Cole and I had talked about LB's current play conditions and we are deciding what to do about it. So...

5 days ago while The Littlest Buddy was away for Thanksgiving weekend, Cole and I went into his room armed with garbage bags and storage containers, and we sat down and went to work on minimizing the chaos of his play space. For weeks we had noticed that when LB was tasked to play independently for 30 minutes in his room, that he had no idea what to do. Where to start. What to pick from. We would literally have to go into his room and select toys or projects for him and try and encourage him to play. Piling up options in a circle around him on his floor and hoping he would just pick one and get lost in the action of it. Nothing was more clear then checking back later and watching him sit (little legs crisscrossed, sucking his fingers) surrounded by toys, and staring motionless down at a racetrack of a car that goes around-and-around-and-around-and-around-and-around in a figure 8, by itself, as long as the 9 volt battery that powers it has juice in it and the on/off switch is engaged. That's it. The extent of action that involves LB is to turn the switch ON or OFF. This isn't playing.

So Cole and I waited till he was away and went to work and bagged up 4 HUGE bags of toys. It was strange to feel guilty for donating them. We couldn't bring ourselves to throw them away, but at the same time aren't they just going to zombify and stupefy some other little boy or girl who will all of the sudden find themselves sitting tranced in front of a toy that just needs to be turned on and watched. I had never felt like an asshole for donating anything before.

The Littlest Buddy has no idea how to play, yet he has a room that has been spilling over with toys and games (as the direct result of being the sweetest and greatest little boy alive and all of the spoils that come from that). How did we let it get like this? We have all of our excuses and reasons, but none of them are good ones. I think it is just the usual deal where we all love him, and want to buy him things to show that love, and so all of the sudden he had a giant mountain of things that inspire thoughtlessness.

So we did this. We went in there and bagged and boxed and took away. 4 HUGE full sized garbage bags of toys. We would decide what stayed and went based simply on did this toy require LB to do anything more than turn it on. So many of his toys were just a big loud ugly on/off switch. Since he has been home on Monday he has not noticed a difference. Not been wandering around his room with a lost look in his eye. He didn't even notice they were gone. Cole and I can now see a ton of other toys that can go away for good now that we have made a dent in the pile of plastic. I already mentioned in an earlier post that we had planned to avoid the toy shopping this Christmas and invest in thoughtful inspiring play areas and ways to get LB to physically play hard, and exert that lightning storm of energy he carries around with him. That post was just the first steps down a long path we weren't sure about, taking the first big chunk of useless toys away was the next good step.

And then like a great big warm embrace from the internet in my google reader on Dec 1st I see this post from the blog tout-est-des-roses and I wished they were our good buddies that we could call and thank and say you're amazing! and ask them for more advice and thoughts. I noticed at the end of Sara's post that it was part of a blog to inspire contest. I don't know anything about the contest, but I do know that she inspired this little family and made many of our thoughts make a lot more sense. Hooray for finding community and inspiration.

All the Love in the Universe ~ Me

Grandpa

On this Thanksgiving as casual as ever while I was at my parents eating Gumbo and Sweet Potato Poon my mother hands me a snapshot. It's from a recent trip that my mother and father took to Mississippi to say a final goodbye to an aunt that she liked very much as a child. This aunt was 97. I never met her, heard mention of her, have no idea anything about her. She sounds like she lived an extraordinary life, an avid world traveler and sightseer. Sounds like she never sat still. Sounds like my type of lady. A real world shaker. So in this picture- taken in Mississippi, while they were at my Aunt's funeral (who I've never met), I recognize just one other person in the picture standing next to my mother.

"Is that your brother standing next to you?"

"Yup"

"How is he?"

"Good."

"Who is that old dude holding your shoulders like you're best friends?"

"That is my Dad."

I just sat there for a minute and looked down on this picture. There he was. The old bastard that had done so many horrible unspeakable things that my mother had left her entire family behind when she was 17 and never looked back. The only living grandparent I have. I honestly hadn't even realized that I actually gave a shit about knowing this guy. Not having close relatives and grandpas and grandmas had just always been normal to me, and so there was never much curiosity or worry about it. So why did I start getting emotional about seeing this old bastard in this picture who was holding on to my mom by her shoulders like they just won some father daughter picnic race. He doesn't look like a prick, he looks kind of friendly and like he would be funny, so why all of the sudden is everything cool? All of it is too much. I mean it's terrific to see my mother exhibiting forgiveness and taking back her roots, but it's all so casual. Is this how it really works? You just wake up one day and say: "you know what... forget all that bitter energy. I am going to have a family again." just like that? Did this guy say he was sorry? Did he ask about me or my sister? Does he know that my sister did the exact same thing as my mother and left when she was 17 and didn't look back for 11 years? Does he have any kind of explanation as to why he never so much as sent a card, or a hello. I can't even figure out how much of it is actual hurt, and how much is just curiosity to hear an explanation. I mean this guy was the direct result of why my mother was sad, and angry, and shy, and socially awkward for my entire life and I would love to hear what he had to say about it. It feels like meeting a criminal that had altered your whole life in emotional ways and you finally get to face them and let them know exactly what they took away. Or do I just follow the lead of my mom and say nothing and let him put his fucking hands on my shoulders like we are buddies?

I am not sure what to do about this old bastard. I would like to know that I stood in front of my grandpa one time and looked at him and searched his face for familiarity and kindness. I'm so different from everyone in my family. I keep thinking that perhaps I am so much like this grandpa of mine that maybe that this is precisely the reason that my mom and I never really got along. Maybe I was just too much like this guy. The only thing I know about this man, is that he taught my mother that there is no such thing as unconditional love. She was sure to let us know about it. I think for that alone he deserves a good crisp smack in the mouth.

How weird for me to announce to Cole: Let's pack up the car and go to Mississippi to visit my family for the first time. Apparently there are a huge amount of them. Should I go and do this? Anybody ever have a successful and noteworthy experience reconnecting with estranged family?

I really like how I turned out as a person, so I am not looking to reconnect so I can mentally pull it together and feel complete. I think I want to go simply because I was never given a choice about it. My sister and I were casualties of a squabble.

It would really be something to drive into a new city and realize that I am connected to it somehow. To see where my mother came from. To finally know my family. I can't help but think how I have this clean slate. Why bring all of these people into my life? I can just start the history over and just leave the strangers out of it. Certainly haven't decided anything yet. What do I call this guy. I am going to be 35 years old and walk up to this old man and say "hi grandpa?"

Doesn't it always seem so strange that its the ol' bastards that live the longest. It's like if you have enough mean spirit and misery in you then you can outlast everyone. No idea what to do on this one.

All the Love in the Universe ~ Me


* UPDATE- Cole and I have decided to go to MS. thanks for all the comments. It really did help. I called my Mom last night and we talked for a good hour about everything and I decided after I asked her: "Is this something that would make you happy?" and she said "Yes." so I am going.