It was a few days after Tessa Tangerine was born, Cole and I were all huddled up in our bed, jaw dropped, pouring over photos that we had just received of our little baby girl's birth. We had her birth story in pictures, it was a gift from our friend Gabi who had come in the middle of the night, slipped into the back of our house, and captured these once in a lifetime moments where we all met the Tangerine for the first time. Gabi was invisible, (with the one exception being when she shouted "Oh My GOD!" after seeing the limits of the vagina being tested when the baby crowned) we all still laugh about that moment now. I was so worried about Cole getting annoyed with bright lights flashing in her face that I told Gabi not to use her flash, not even thinking that our room was lit only by a single 60-watt light bulb stuck in a dumb lamp on a dresser-- so I pretty much tied her hands as far as being able to capture sharp clean images. I know, I know, I'm an idiot. But what came thru in the pictures despite the technical challenges were so powerful, these were our memories, all of Cole's hard work had been captured in these photos. I am so incredibly grateful that we have them. Cole and I still laugh at how naive we were to think that I would be running around firing off pictures of the baby being born. I had these grand images in my head about how super awesome it was going to be to photograph the baby in Cole's arms for the first time. I had no idea while I was dreaming up shots, that in reality I would be pinned to the side of a birth pool, hanging onto Cole who was so tired she could barely keep herself up out of the water. I way underestimated my level of participation, clouded by the millions of images depicting expectant fathers standing around saying "puuuuush" and trying not to pass out.
I had my mind blown by the amount of emotion in these images that we had received, I remember just staring at them and being able to hear every gasp, and feel my heart pounding in these moments all over again. I knew that I wanted to capture these moments for other expecting parents. I wanted to be in the thick of all that emotion and anticipation to where nobody even sees you they are so locked into one another. I wanted to do this. It was a light bulb moment of "this is what I am supposed to do." I just kept thinking about it for days, and just as soon as I could I took that little spark of interest and fanned the flames until I had enough fire to convince our midwife to find a couple that would be interested in having me document their birth. I wasn't sure what she could say because I have never documented a birth for anyone before, and only have the images of my family to show for work. She is super terrific, and so of course she did find an interested couple. I drove out with Cole and the baby and we all met one another. We swapped stories a bit, got comfortable, laughed, they had an adorable little girl already that was so interested in Tessa and you could just tell she was going to be a great big sister. We talked about their birth plan, and due date, and swapped numbers. I had never done this before, but from having just gone thru the experience of a home birth I knew my number one rule would be to never disrupt the intimacy and calm that is present within the experience. That was it, I would figure the rest out as I went.
And then I waited- and waited- and It was an interesting feeling to be "on call." As her due date approached I felt real actual nerves for someone else stirring in me. I got a call. It was last Monday. She thought it might be baby time. So I packed my gear, got dressed, and fell asleep on the couch with my phone in hand, waiting for the call to come and document this moment. They lived about an hour away. So of course I was worried about the timing of it all. Next thing I knew it was morning, The littlest Buddy was running around the hall harassing the morning calm and no baby call had come. So I went into wait mode. A week went by, a hard week of contractions and waiting from what I was told. I could hear the tired come thru the phone when I would get updates. Then finally last night I got the call, and repeated the steps: readied myself and the gear, and went to sleep with the phone in my hand. At about midnight I got the final call to head that way and I tore off down the highway, it took me 45 minutes to get there. I grabbed my bag, and ran up the stairs...
I knew as soon as I walked in that I had missed it, I heard the voice of a proud happy new dad on the phone sharing good news with his family, the kitchen was buzzing with clean up efforts. I had missed it by about 20 minutes. So totally bummed! Second babies have a way of really moving fast once the mama hits 10cm and there was no slowing down for this baby. It feels so strange to walk into a room so charged with emotion. I felt totally out of place. It's like walking in on the end of a really hard belly laugh and asking: "what's so funny?" ( I did take note how surprisingly clean their birth pool was compared to ours-- our room looked like a murder scene in comparison.) Things had gone very well for them. They had a smooth delivery and everyone was happy and safe. As much as I was bummed that I missed the hard work and the big moment, I did get there in time to capture the first time their little girl met the baby. It was their very first time they were all together as a family, watching their little girl figure out what she thought of this new person and hearing her say: "hi baby" for the first time was pretty incredible.
* A side note
Having never been in any other birth setting before-- besides the home birth setting-- I am not sure if this is solely unique to that experience or not, but I loved seeing how much time the dad got to bond with his baby boy right away. It was the same way for me, and I know how much I appreciated it. Anytime mama was being cared for, that daddy had the baby snug in his arms and he was just totally exposed. It is so amazing to watch someone fall in love, and it was so amplified watching it thru the lens. It floored me.
( I was so very grateful that I got to spend so much time with Tessa when she was all tiny blinks and wiggles.) Those minutes come and go so quickly and then they are gone forever, I hate the idea that I might have missed that if she was being whisked away by a nurse. Part of me thinks ahead to when she is older and really testing the limits to sanity and reason and it will be these moments we first shared when she was tiny and precious, and so vulnerable that will cave me into letting her have her way.
All the Love in the Universe ~ Me
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