The Recession Garden and the Filthy Carrot
So I was on the phone gossiping with a girlfriend this morning trading war stories about kids and cleaning dog pee, and getting all the morning chores done, and I was complaining about being out of breath from my hectic morning and just then... I realized... what little tiny shred of manhood I had left, had almost evaporated in that very conversation. I wanted to hang up. Drink a six pack, download some porn, and go out back and take some shit apart in the garage, with some tools, and maybe even build stuff?!
What is happening to me?
Cole and I had started a garden in September and it was a total rot fest as I have mentioned here before. Our first attempt at an organic garden was a good lesson, but almost everything died. It was either infected with fungus, or devoured by worms and bugs. Only a few things survived, and they were finally wiped out by a hard freeze last week when FL was iced over with record lows reaching 25 degrees in our backyard. The only thing that did survive was a pumpkin, and a batch of carrots.
So we ventured out and let the Littlest Buddy pull carrots out of the ground and we we had a sink full of carrots.
Now what? Well... I decided today that I would make Cole a Carrot Cake and did the best I could. Holy shit! It took me 3 freakin hours to make this delicious moist home grown carrot explosion in our mouth. And I am sick from all the cream cheese frosting (which I had to make twice because I ate so much I didn't have enough to finish icing the damn cake).
OH! and...
the crown jewel of the carrot harvest was this filthy little growth I discovered, a long hanger, when I washing up the veggies and realized what I was holding in my hands. It was a jaw dropper. With such rough times I thought about the possibilities of taking this little freak show out on the carnival circuit for people to see at a Dollar a gander. I could grow all sorts of these little porno prizes for curious town folk. What do you think? I could call him Frankie Jenkins and make him a little top out of beets he could march around in.
Well I ended up just shredding the penis man and added it to the cake in the hopes that it would make it taste even sexier. So this is the end result sitting on the counter waiting for Cole to come home and devour it with the Littlest Buddy. I wish someone would have told me how messy it would be to crush roasted walnuts and coat the sides of this cake. It was an epic fail if you could have seen the kitchen floor.
So here it is. The first cake I have ever made. pay no attention to the lopsided top. it looks totally fine
Tomorrow I have some shoots to do. One just for fun, and one a potential on going project for a super talented friend who makes really rad leather goods. We are building a small seamless cyc studio for his smaller hand items. Thank goodness I am going to hang out with a dude tomorrow and build shit with our hands and maybe even spit and cuss and stuff. Here is a link to his leather goods... Makr
Wish me luck.
All the Love in the Universe ~ me
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37 comments:
hhaha Sorry there's no hope for you. Soon you'll be painting your nails and talking between smacks of gum. It's a downhill slope from here buddy. Best of luck!
If I didn't adore you before, I sure do now. Crooked cake and all.
Well, at least the cake looks good. It's kind of funny that you symbolically shredded the penile carrot man.
@ Heinous - Wait! Are you saying I shredded my own penis off when I made this cake?
haha go ahead you can tease I set myself up. I did this to myself.
My garden was also lookin lovely pre-market fail. I have some villains that come in the night and steal tomatoes. Anyway, the carrots are a total trip! Reallly freaky and "bulbous"? However, the cake looks awesome! Grats on your first cake.
I can't decide what's more pornographic, the carrot or the cake. I'm pretty sure the cake is doing a better job of turning me on...
Carrot cake is my hands-down favorite dessert item, which is funny since I normally will not accept anything that's not drowning in chocolate. I made one-- once and only once-- and it was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Granted, I have not yet experienced childbirth-- that may or may not surpass.
Also-- beautiful photos AND cake!
Funny, my wife is sick and last night was craving rice krispy treats. I'd never made them before and to my surprise, way easier than that cake of yours. Good job Martha Stewart. I am also glad you are getting your nails dirty tomorrow. Your carrot buddy looks like he's waiting on the bus. Good stuff. Oh yeah, thanks for that site. That guy is something else, Instant favorite.
That carrot cake looks amazing and can really only be made yummier by your porn carrot. Hope it was delish.
Absolutely love your blog...we seem to have several things in commnon!!!!
And yeah too much cream cheese frosting=belly ache
Muah!
i have to admit. the first couple of sentences i totally though cole talking again. lol but mrs.4444's sister over at second chances totally has you beat in the perv carrot pics.
great cake though!
No need to use "epic fail" twice in one post when the end result is such a beautiful cake!
@ Susan - Did I use it twice? How amateur.
You know the old saying..Is that a carrot in your pocket or are you ....
When I need to reassert my masculinity after an intense bout of domestic endeavors, I resort to an easier remedy than going out to the garage to work with my hands: I put on a UFC DVD, drink a beer, and belch. Loudly.
Haha! This post is hilarious! Reading your blog is a real pleasure.
Carrot Dude has a resevoir tip. Hilarious.
I tried growing tomatoes last year. I mean,how hard is it to grow tomatoes? My grandmother grew bushels beyond bushels of tomatoes.
End result for me? Rotten, moldy "hate" apples :(
I will try again this year.
That cake looks face down delicious! I hope it tasted as good as it looked.
Peace - Rene
your cake looks delicious.
i've never baked a cake before!
WOW! Your carrot certainly does challenge mine... but you're right, mine is sassier. Yours is more 'manly' but I live in WI, hence the shrinkage. Happy gardening!
I'll have to come back and view ya piccies of the cake and carrots and peni-carrot and stuff. I was cracking up about your near loss of manhood experience though. That was too funny.
I'm going to try and post this link, because it's a story about your FAVORITE thing in the WHOLE WIDE WORLD!!! I thought you'd be sickingly amused.
The Article
Now if it doesn't work again, it just wasn't meant to be ... Sometimes I'm so un-computer-savy!
Oh I always make more icing than called for because that is my favorite part!
And your carrot man was beyond hilarious.
Oh making a cake? You're making all the ladies swoon...it's actually quite manly to bake something sweet up...and the organic garden? What are you ? Some kind of superman? Yikes!!
Ha ha ha - I just saw Heinous comment! He's good that one.
After seeing that, Ryan, i'd ask you to marry me instead. But that would be pussyfied, so let's go build a car while drinking beer and watching pron on a crappy little TV in the garage...Boo-yaah! (chest bump)
Hahaha! Best carrot ever. You forgot to give us the recipe though, or perhaps your last shred of manhood won't allow you use your blog as a place to share recipes.... either way, good stuff :o) Thanks for the laugh!
@ Sally- Recipe? I didn't use a recipe. I just figured it out. And put lots of beer in it. and steak, there are steaks in there that I cooked with fire. A fire that I made with my bare hands and a mean stare. Ha... recipe.
There are actual carrots in carrot cake? Who knew?
Love the carrot porn.
(had to come see who wrote that awesome comment on Tena's J&K+8 post - happy I did!)
Damn that cake looks good. Carrots from your own garden taste so good. Maybe not the penis carrot though.
@ Eudea - thanks for investigating
@ Capt - Just think what that carrot guy could do to one of your grilled cheese peeps! The horror...
that carrot is seriously awesomely weird.
i just realized you weren't on my follow list anymore and i not on yours! what happened? i'm adding you back
poof
For some reason I thought you'd written "go out to the garage and take a shit." Which made me laugh out loud. Which made me wonder why. I loved the whole thing, especially when you admitted that you'd regained your manhood by chopping up Penis Carrot Man and BAKING A CAKE with him. :))))
I'm not sure I would have believed that if I hadn't seen it. How creepy
While sharing with Dan how you felt mildly relieved from your gay streak when you pulled from the ground a big dick carrot, Dan posed the question, "Wouldn't that be even more of an omen. I mean, if I was feeling gay and in the middle of baking a cake I pulled a big dick carrot from the ground I would have to say 'Alright, I get it' and go pick up a hammer immediately."
Didn't mean it that way AT ALL...just meant that with such a beautiful end result you should be more positive.
haha I know. I was totally teasing. I made the edit anyway :)
crushing nuts (or anything else you might want to put on a cake, or on a casserole [potato chips!]) is best done inside a bag (ziploc, bread sack, whatever you have, even a paper sack). This keeps the mess from going every where.
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