WAIT!!! Please I'm begging you don't buy it.

My fellow Americans,

Please take a moment to sit and reflect and listen to my plea. I am calling for the boycott of the Snuggie in the interest of National Security. Please encourage friends on the verge of this purchase commitment to hold out. Don't give in to this hysteria. I can't believe this is happening. I can’t believe I have to write about this.

You know the Snuggie?! The idiot proof blanket for Idiots.

If the mass ordering of the worlds shittiest “invention” doesn’t stop soon you know what will happen? Do you realize what you’re turning this product into? The "Snuggie" is going to be the innovation that is held up and applauded as the invention that made it thru the deepest recession of our lives. How humiliating. A blanket with sleeves is what championed us thru our darkest economic times, The Snuggie becomes “the thing” that America just couldn’t get enough of? What does this say about us? How far have we fallen?

We are a few hundred orders away from hearing Ali Velshi question the validity of this recession on CNN because of the relentless consuming of the Snuggie: “Well if the numbers here are correct on recent Snuggie orders, it would appear that America has the purchasing power and the consumer confidence we need to weather the storm of this global economic fallout.”

Think of our American History.

I can hear the VO on the History Channel for Modern Marvels...

"People were scared, running out of money, had no idea if they were going to have a job when they woke up in the morning, how they would feed their children, pay bills, keep their homes, uncertain times called for some form of clarity, and America found that clarity and answered the 1-800 call of the Snuggie. It could not be ignored. It offered an embrace, warmth, security, and total ease in answering their phones while wrapped in a blanket on the couch. It was in all cases recession proof, a friend. Our answer to bad times. Hoorah for the Snuggie."

Please people. I’m begging you. You have to stop wearing and using these things, it counter acts any positive work President Obama is doing fixing our reputations abroad. He is going to be sitting there with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and talking about disarming nukes, and Ahmadinejad is going to bust out a picture of Americans wearing these fucking ridiculous things at a baseball game slapping high fives and say: “Clearly your people have lost all respect for themselves and have no shame. How can I trust and coexist with a Nation like this?”

Wearing the Snuggie is an act of war. I am going to consider it treason the next time I see you in your Snuggie I am going to have to hang you. I hate to do it. But I will. For the love of our country I will do it.

I mean seriously… okay I am taking it too far with the hanging thing. But wait. What if things keep getting worse and we do end up going thru some horrific Great Depression and we are forced from our homes, and mass layoffs ensue, and we all end up living out lives in shanty towns, and are huddled around camps eating beans out of cans and burning tires for warmth. When our children’s children look back at the archives and pictures from this time, do you really want them to see us looking like this?

It’s just SOO embarrassing.

And I wasn’t going to tell you this. But seriously, the Snuggie was totally invented by these guys…



That's right. I'm sorry I had to tell you the truth.

I mean come on, you don’t have to be one of their secret members to know that these people have been parading around in racist soft fleece for decades. They totally invented it for all the same reasons you lazy asses have been buying it. They were running around at night in the cold and they needed to be able to do evil unspeakable things with their hands and still be wrapped up in the comfort and warmth of a blanket. So I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t feel good about wearing these things now that you know the dark shameful back story.

Our country has come so far. I think it could be the spark in a tinderbox for a new cival war.

Think about it this way. When they come to evict you from your house. Do you really want to be caught at the door wearing your Snuggie. They're going to take one look at you and lose any little piece of sympathy they might have had. Come on ding dongs can we use our money wisely. We don't have much left.

All the Love in the Universe ~ Me

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