Nothing Means More to me than the Follow Through”

I ordered myself the world and tried to eat the entire thing in one sitting. If I really chew the shit out of it then I might actually have a chance at swallowing this thing down. Let’s be honest here, I’m not in any hurry to take this all in…who needs a face full of the world right now. It’s enough to kill you dead when you let it all into your head. I do believe in portion sizes and plenty of small meals to be sure you're getting what you need to function and fire with the kind of clarity you need to find compassion. Become a voice to the fat-snackers that are too busy gorging to see past the condiment bar.

The point of this post is being elusive from the get go. I apologize. I am going to run with it at this point and just make sure I am wearing comfortable and sensible shoes. I’m afraid I woke with the urge to launch into a self-motivating pep talk. I have noticed an awful lot of pouty shoulders in my locker room and I need to get these hands back in the middle chanting WIN WIN WIN!

You get everything you want the second you walk up to it and tell it you want it with some muscle and conviction. This NEVER means you get to keep it as yours forever, that is where the real work takes place. And well… that is the tricky part isn’t it? Nobody is ever careful enough when there is plenty to go around, all the sudden you’re the Once-ler, a miserable regretful asshole standing in your ruin and scratching your head at the devastation you laid. You just can’t read enough cautionary tales to your children these days.

When I met Cole I let a smile find a home on my mouth and told it that it could stay around awhile. I am careful to keep it in place, if my mouth needs to motor and express anger I am careful to move the smiles to my eyes so there is never any doubt that this love isn't lost. I was reminded a few times this week about the initial get-go with Cole and how quick we were to marry after meeting. We wondered how many of our friends had secretly trashed the sentiment and laid bets as to how long we would last. I am sure there are a few who did, and I’m not sore about it. Sadly it’s human nature in these times to be suspicious of bliss. People are so quick to say: NOBODY is THAT happy! And revel at validation when a celebrity couple finds doom and finally splits. “I knew it” they say. Cole and I are not out of the woods. I am sure if we were to split even 3 years from now some asshole somewhere would say: “I KNEW they wouldn’t last!”

Rooting for failure seems like it’s going around on many levels lately. Is it a uniquely American flaw of wishing the worst on opposition? I assume that it isn’t the case… as in some countries they not only wish the worst, they hit you over the head with a club and carry out mass genocide because your belief system is off by a couple Saints and Wizards. So I suppose that tricks Americans into feeling sophisticated that they just wish bad things will happen? What is wrong with people...

I am spelling all of this out to emphasize how careful Cole and I were to not drink any of the kool-aid we were spiking for one another. The amazing sex and belly laughs were certainly warranting butterflies and warm faces, and all of the excitement that goes along with finding someone that puts that pep in your step. Despite feeling so good we knew that all of it could quite possibly be ridiculous… and seeing as how she had a little boy we were careful about our dive off of the cliff. To say we just went for it would be wrong. It’s certainly more of a fairy tale, but in the forward of this particular tale there is the part where we thank our therapist for the 4 months of marriage counseling we participated in to double check our steps before the great plunge.

I hadn’t thought about our therapist in forever till recently, and I wondered if he wondered how we were doing and thought to write him a letter or maybe when things pick up just schedule a sit down so we can tell him about our life. It was important what Cole and I did. And I feel like we truly armed ourselves well to fight for this marriage in so many subtle ways. I am not sure I would understand Cole as well as I do without the talks we went thru. It always felt good to go to our sessions, we felt like we were a relief to our therapist, as we would watch the disconnected couples in the waiting room, leaving as we would happily enter. You could still smell hate in the air sometimes when we walked in and took our places.

The reminder and the pep talk here is that all of this is supposed to be a little tiring, it’s work right? So I am feeling relief that I feel zapped, a little drained, kind of winded, sort of sweaty. It means I’m doing my fucking job. It feels good to be going thru this time with someone I love so deeply.

The single most important thing I realized about marriage was you can NEVER wake up and think or assume that we were are supposed to just be happy because we are in love. With all of loves power it is nothing unless you are physically holding it up off the floor so it can shine like it’s supposed to. Like any great magic, it is useless unless you understand it fully and wield it with intention and let it move through you. How useless are words unless they are backed with the follow through.

All the Love in the Universe ~ Me

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