We Are Officially Poor
Last night was a bit of a role reversal: Cole called me into the living room, she had been typing away for awhile but I figured she had been writing friends, or writing in her secret journal where she details all the things she can't stand about me (it's an irrational fear of mine anytime she is typing longer then 20 minutes, but still unconfirmed that it actually exists). She had me sit down and proceeded to read me a journal entry she had just written, and wanted me to hear it. This is a practice that is common around here but it's usually me reading her the entries I write and then read out-loud so she is the first to hear it, and can brace herself if I detail anything she forgot about doing. She read me her entry. It was to the point, it was sad, it sucked to hear some of it, it got us both thinking. Her entry was titled: "We Are Officially Poor." Her entry was chronicling her experience going to the grocery store and using food stamps for the first time. The thing that sucked about it the most was that she had made this particular journal entry private so nobody else could read it, because she was afraid I would be embarrassed that we were using food stamps. She said "I didn't want people that read my journal that read your blog to know we were so poor, it might embarrass you."
Just when you think you're communicating as a couple on epic levels, that everything is subliminal, and you just know how to read your love, something pops up that reminds you that you need to sit down and get square. The sweetness involved in her wanting to protect my pride is almost enough for me to shrug it off as motherly and protective. But thinking about it this morning there is a real problem here, that I have built the impression that I would want to pretend our financial position is anything other then what it is... we are fucking poor and she thinks I am ashamed of us. Now before anyone even thinks about scurrying down to the comment section and saying ANYTHING about how we're not poor because we have love, health, and blah blah blah I will scratch your eyes out. Nobody needs to ever remind us of what we have in that dept. We spend good long hours at night as we both fall asleep holding hands and feeling the baby kick talking about how amazing it is that we are falling more in love the worse things are. That we are lucky to be moving thru this crappy time with grace and still making memories. We know what we have on that front, and I am not trying to get all sappy in your face about it or anything, I just wanted you to know that we know.
So here we are. She is at work. I am here with a few pages of pitches to polish. A little boy at school that has been sick all week and has infected both Cole and I. And in 14 odd weeks a little baby is going to be in this house, making us feel unimaginable new heights of love and joy. What the fuck, right? How can I let myself fall into depression or strife when everyone needs me? So I don't. I sit here everyday and try and figure out a new way to make something happen for us. I have put in for positions, too many to count. I am sure that I will admit at some point soon that NOT going to college was a mistake. Nobody admits that when they are working on movies and driving tour vans around that they might have fucked themselves for the future. But when you are sitting in front of the classifieds as a 34 yr old man with a family... you feel a little silly for that move when EVERYTHING requires a minimum degree of some kind. I don't regret my life, but maybe I could have snuck some kind of school in there somewhere. I almost ran away to NYC after a breakup and I was filled with the idea of reinventing myself (you know how people get) and was going to try and beg my way into the School of Visual Arts in NYC. That was the big dream for awhile. I wonder what would have happened or where I would be with my photography had I been formally trained? I wouldn't trade meeting Cole for anything in the world, that isn't what I am fantasizing about. I just feel like I needed to admit to myself that I was a stubborn ass about life and what I needed to arm myself with in order to win at it.
I blame one man (besides myself). Dick Dukes. He was my fathers boss when I was a kid. My father worked for the same company for 30 some years. He got rings and watches and shit for the milestones. Anyway, the short of this very long story is that Dick Dukes was the topic of all of my fathers frustrations and worries and complaints. My relationship with my father growing up was watching him come home from work, sit with us around the dinner table, and then launch into a rant about this man. ALL night. All the time. I learned how to swear from these rants. Then he would help Mom clean the kitchen and turn himself off. He was done. My Mother would say: Leave him alone tonight he needs to relax so he can work tomorrow. This was said every night. I am telling you about this, I am saying these things, you parents that come home and bitch and moan within ear shot of your children about the daily grind and how much it sucks. I am warning you. If you want your children to value work then do not make it a villain. I have spent my entire life working unconventional jobs and creative pursuits because I did not want to become my father. The slave to the check and insurance so he could feed his unhappy family that just wanted to play with him and wondered why he was never in a good mood . You get what I'm saying? I have never shied away from work. I didn't sit around living off my parents playing video games. I work my ass off on jobs and projects and created many opportunities for myself. I just have avoided a Dick Dukes my whole life. I fear him. I fear who I will become.
Does that make sense? Or am I being a baby about my past? Well because of this avoidance of the grind I did not go to college, and I do not have a degree, and it seems that the answer to the saturation of the job market is to make EVERYTHING require a degree. Even the jobs that pay bogus bucks. So I woke up after a long talk with Cole last night about job hunting to an article on CNN about how for some people it might be a bigger risk to try and find work, rather than just create work. It was all about making your own business and a mild collar shake and ass slap into that direction. Was that a sign? I am going to pretend it was.
We are making do and making sacrifices. We are thinking of defaulting on my car and just go ahead and do the voluntary repo and go down to one car, we got rid of cable, we are using food stamps, we will grow a garden, we don't go out, we will make it. I know I will find something, I'm not an idiot. And I never give up EVER. so I am not that worried about all of this. I think I shared all of this and wrote about it because I needed my wife to know that I am not ashamed of us. I am not worried about what others think of us. I am sure some people might have an opinion about how we could do something better or how I could try harder? I don't really want advice or a pick me up. I just want my wife to know I love us and am not ashamed.
I watched my wife hand craft and make pieces for the babies room out of scraps from the house yesterday when she got home from work, and they are gorgeous little works of creativity, and smashes anything that could come from a store with the weight of the love that is being placed into the stuff she is making. The babies room sat unattended and untouched for a few weeks because we didn't have the money to run out and fill it full of pretty things from the store like we are used to doing. That baby is coming, and the urge that Cole has to make that room ready just kept getting stronger until she went out and started finding things around the house that we had tucked away and turning them into these great works for the baby. I love how the room is shaping up. I think when we closed our eyes and imagined a nursery 6 months ago it looked like a picture out of a catalog and now it looks like us. And that is so much sweeter.
Now. I need to put my head back down and keep going. Thanks for reading I just needed to get some things straight with the wife :)
All the Love in the Universe ~ Me
P.S. Good luck to the families bracing themselves in N Dakota for the river rise. Our problems are tiny in comparison to the cruelty of this world.
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94 comments:
Man, your writing just reaches out through the screen and grabs me firmly by the heart.
you are not alone. there are so many of us in this boat together - sometimes it helps to know that, and sometimes it totally doesn't, but it's true. best of luck to you and your family.
xo
Great post. Good luck to you and yours. Drive, determination, and a solid loving family will make sure you guys do fine.
I wish I could give you one of my degrees that I don't use--they do me no good, and just to have them to put down as a prereq for a job would help you out. I don't know what to say to help you, but I have to believe that other people read your entries, like I do, and recognize this incredible talent, and know that you will be snatched up to do some fantastic work soon, and all this will be a character-building memory that you guys look back on some day. Best of luck.
I have a Dick Dukes. I whine and bitch and moan only when the children are not around about my Dick Dukes. Thanks for the reminder of this.
I am sorry you guys are struggling, especially with a baby on the way. Have you thought about putting more ads on your page? You must be getting a lot of hits.
I am sending you rich... thoughts.
You really struck me when you wrote of not allowing yourself to get depressed when you had so many people depending on you. The societal pressure for men to remain stoic during terrifying familial issues is damning. I found your blog through your wife's livejournal due date community, and now my husband and i read it together. As another poor family barely making ends meet while supporting a toddler and expecting a baby in June, It is comforting to read the struggles of another family surviving on love and food stamps.
major heart string tugging.
"inside all of us is hope." best of luck...
Both of my parents are without jobs and we're in risk of losing our house, so I (their 23 y/o son) have had to help them make the house payment month after month. These are hard times.
You're a fantastic photographer though, man. I haven't seen many with your talents.
I've been debating my next move in terms of school, work, following my passions, etc. So your post really spoke to me. You can't sell your dreams short, not even for the corner office, company car and the rest of that b.s. None of it compares to the satisfaction of doing what you love and what you're proud. You just affirmed that for me. Thanks, and best of luck.
That is so sweet. My husband and I went through a similar struggle when I was pregnant- I couldn't find work (mostly, I believe, because people were hesitant to hire someone who was about to need to be out for a six week period), he sprained his ankle, and our roommate bailed on us. We were living halfway across the country, away from our family and friends, and had nothing in the bank.
We ended up back at my parents' in the basement, on food stamps, and still... Still... When that baby came, we were a family. We were happy. We made it happen. And now, not even two years later, we are both working, have a place of our own again, and a little girl who couldn't make us more happy or proud.
You and Cole will make it. Your entry touches me in a personal way, because I know what it's like to feel like you are struggling so hard NOW, and the baby's not even here yet. You WILL make it.
I'm sure Cole is happy to know how much you stand by your family. Bless you both.
I'd love to see some of the little works she's done for the nursery. I'm sure they are gorgeous, and unique... Things mean so much more when they come from the heart.
this makes perfect sense and i'm no longer going to come home and rant about one person in particular at work... thanks for making me realize that i do this and how much it effects other people... for some reason when my husband said it last night... it just didn't kick in...
Well, that fulfills the brief of candid and vivid. You write very bravely and honestly. I hope things pick up for you, I hope I hope I hope
Ryan, I totally get it about your Dad's Dukes. My parents were both miserable at work & all I ever heard growing up was how miserable it would be for me, and "just you wait, you'll see, it's not easy...". And it sure as hell wasn't and hasn't been. In all these years, I've probably actually enjoyed two work environments and my bosses. The others all had their Dukes.
I was on FS once, in the days when you had to peel the stamps out of the book. I used to go shopping after midnight to avoid the dirty looks of other people, but I didn't feel ashamed. I was working my ass off, trying to get ahead, and you know -- we all need help once in awhile. Most of us don't have rich relatives or trust fund and the job market sucks.
I've bitched about the college degree situation forever. It's ridiculous, and a farce. Thousands of talented inventors, scientists, writers, artists never went to college. They could not get a job in today's market. No job means no oppty. to save money and become an entrepreneur or to sustain oneself while trying for self-employment. The American Dream is dying, and the MBA's are hastening its demise.
I want to believe that true talents and passions, like yours, mine, and others I know, will eventually bring reward. I think if I did not believe that, I'd just give up on life.
I won't say "hang in there" because its stupid and I hate when people say shit like that to me. What I will say is that, from what I've seen on this blog alone, that you and Cole both have a lot of integrity, energy, and hopes & there's no way in hell you're NOT going to succeed. I'm just sorry you're having to go through this rough financial patch when you have so much else going on.
I rambled. Sorry. I wish I could make it better.
That fucking sucks. I TRULY think you have the talent and ambition to make it, and make it huge. You won't e poor forever.
And I loved, loved this line "I think when we closed our eyes and imagined a nursery 6 months ago it looked like a picture out of a catalog and now it looks like us. And that is so much sweeter."
Your kid(s) are so lucky to have you guys.
thanks for your honesty.
wishing you and your fam only good things!
Love, love this post, because it makes me feel better, in all honesty. We are Officially Poor too. and i think we should start a blog called ' The Official Poor'
i'm glad for your blog.
rub Cole's belly for us and send it internets love.
xo
I think you are an amazing man, husband, and father and from my standpoint, I can say even having a degree doesn't even help much in the job market- so don't look back at what you didn't do. Keep your head up and keep looking ahead- and bless your beautiful family!
you're a good husband.
This reminds me of my own life so much, when I was pregnant with my first...and second...and third child.
Struggle. Poverty. Humility.
It is no consequence, but someday you will look back and think, how the hell did we get through all that?
We do what we must. You are talented.
its so good that you (unlike a lot of people) will actually admit you are a real person with real problems! that takes a real man.
tell cole & you remember to never feel bad or poor or anything for using food stamps, because you guys have been paying taxes for YEARS to the government, and you will be for the rest of your lives, so you will pay those foodstamps back 1000 fold! thats like a food loan!? Ive gotten them before & wished I could HAVE EM NOW! : ) and you two seem like very artsy people, you'll hook that room up!
and one day when you have a financial abundance...this will all be a memory to smile about!
I'm not saying anything except that I absolutely love this line from your profile: "Sometimes when I stare at my wife I feel so lucky I actually shine like a pot of gold."
Beautiful, man, beautiful.
Best wishes,
JB
When my wife comes home every day after dealing with a 100 Dick Dukes she never complains about it in front of the kids, or if she does, it's always in a whisper to me so they don't hear. I hadn't thought about that until reading this. Thanks.
And there's a whole shit load of people out there with degrees that are in the same boat as you. Don't get hung up on it.
you are so not alone. on so many levels, i can identify with your struggle--even though i am a single girl sitting in a cube, hating my job, just dying to get out of it and get on with pursuing a creative life. it's so much harder to stick to your guns and not take work that you would hate. the cnn article sounds interesting--creating work rather than trying to find it. i bet a lot of people would be willing to sponsor your blog. oh, i kind of hate it when people give me advice i didn't ask for, so i don't mean to do that.
but you are talented, and you are committed, and you work hard. you will make it.
we are all going to be okay.
My husband works for a "Dick Dukes" and is completely unhappy in his job. He is leaving to try to start his own business, because we have learned that your happiness and sanity is better than a big pay check!
Loved your comment about the babies room, catalog rooms suck! much better when it is made from the heart!
I've been there. I've been that poor. I've been that poor and pregnant. I've experienced frustration with a system that seems set up to watch you fail.
And I'm not there now. So keep your head up.
I don't have kids but I do have my own Dick Dukes. I think its admirable that you avoided the corporate world to follow your own creative pursuits. To me, that takes more courage than a desk job.
I am sorry that you've fallen on such hard times but I think you are brave in your honesty and you are an incredible husband and father. I really believe that someone who has opportunities to offer will read your posts and recognize your talent.
Sending positives thoughts and lots of luck your way...
Hey there,
You really aren't alone. Of course that doesn't really make things feel better but for what it's worth I'm really proud of you guys not only for making the nursery 'yours' but for seeing that in the positive light that it should be seen and not in a negative like many of us would.
On the job front. I wish I could help with the wii game but one thing I can say is to go ahead and apply to jobs anyway. I've worked in HR before and often those job descriptions are fantasy wish lists. People get hired EVERYDAY based on talent and personality even without a degree.
While lots of people sat out 4 or more years on daddy's dime waiting to grow up you were out there becoming you. You are ahead of the game.
Chin up- it'll help you to see where you're going instead of just where you are.
Everything will be o.k.
I can see it know: Healthy Baby,Famous Blog, Book Deal, Awesome Career.
Plus, you already have the most important thing, something that I know a lot of my rich friends are looking for, Cole's LOVE.
Unlimited Blessings....
I'm sure Cole knew all of that even before you wrote that post:) I think you and your wife are a phenomenal example for other couples in similar situations. Yeah, you need money to live, but you guys are counting on each other to make it through -- and not many couples stick together when things get tough. I wish you guys all the best, and you and your family (and your Wii game) will be in my prayers:)
I love the way you write - your honesty, openness, and love are inspiring.
I just heard of a friend of a friend the other day who's dad recently committed suicide, and my thought was that is the worst thing you can do to your children. The way you are doing the exact opposite - persevering and plodding through the difficult times, knowing something better is on the other end, is just awesome. Keep it up and you know you'll be rewarded!
I feel blessed to be let into your life through this "window" that is your blog. Thank you!
P.S. I'm a programmer and may be learning to develop for the Wii in the future. If so, I'll contact you!
I totally teared up when reading this. Not as in ohmygoodness this is sad, but as in you fucking rock and have such an amazing and beautiful heart. You and Cole are so lucky to have each other.
You will get through this. I can just hear it through your words.
I don't know if this gives you any hope or not, but the bf who is soon to be 34, does not have a degree, only his GED and makes three times more than I do with my little lonely bachelor's degree.
You have amazing talent and I believe you will go far.
I've got something similar going on, except that I've failed as an insurance advisor. I'm still with the company, but looking for a regular paycheque.
In the meantime, the cost of food and utilities has skyrocketed - especially meat. What we could do before isn't stretching as far, and we found ourselves with Mother Hubbard's Cupboards.
Just two days ago, I went to the food bank for the first time in over 15 years. Thank goodness I have supported them all this time, when I could.
(a food bank is a non profit agency that collects cans of food and cash donations to supply families with groceries)
Other ways of coming into some cash - we're selling DVD collections, shoes, and electronics on kajiji, and I'm selling old gold jewelry at a goldsmith's.
Best to you and Cole!
i saw this story on tv about a man who used to make 750k a year, with a fancy degree and is now delivering pizzas, earning 9 bucks an hour to help put food on the table and the wife can't find work- and they have 3 kids...trust me, you are not alone. And since I don't want my eyes scratched out, I'll take out my mother hat and say:
Almost everyone has a Dick Dukes in their lives...and as someone who was basically left to her own devices at 16, it didn't stop me from getting my degree, dealing with my own Dicks along the way being determined on being a different Dick once I made it to Dickgdom. And I did and then I found something else :)
You've got talent and it seems the determination and a solid partner...keep hitting the pavement. My dad always said- when you throw enough shit on the wall, some of it is bound to stick...keep throwing shit around.
Oh! And sorry this is so fucking LONG but I gather you live in Mickey area...I read that they now are offering a service in which families can hire their personal photographer for the day to capture their Disney experience- don't hit me, it sounds like a cool thing to do because they let you borrow all this amazing equipment and all...and with your portfolio in hand...you'd be a shoe in! AND...the perks? FREE disney for the kidlets! how lame am I?
That was an eloquent and intimate post.
So very sweet. I wrapped myself around each word. Hugs.
PS. I nominated you http://bloggerschoiceawards.com/blogs/show/70139
I'm sorry for your financial struggles and wish you the best. Your post reminded me of a favorite quote:
Defeat never comes to any man until he admits it.
-- Josephus Daniels
You have the right attitude...upward and onward. You love your family. You are pursuing your passions.
You are right...this is going to work itself out because you have all the key ingredients to make things happen.
This is my favorite post by you so far, because it's so open and intimate.
I truly admire your drive to have a better life, to do something beyond and better than than the daily grind. You have the passion, and you'll get there.
You should never be ashamed of your situation. Personally I had to learn this lesson the hard way but it looks like you're light years ahead of me. I really like your attitude and your conviction and I wish you all the best. Please keep writing because maybe without even knowing it you're giving a voice to countless other people who are experiencing the very same things.
Hi-
Would you at all be interested in going to school now? I travelled around, went on tour w/ bands and had a blast. At 25 I started taking art and photog classes at the community college and just loved it. I loved learning new things and having that kind of chill lifestyle that allowed me to go to classes when i want (re: time of day) and pursue my other interests. I was never an A student, but I transferred to a university after the first 2 years and graduated w/ my BA degree 5 years after I first started. Along the way I learned about Art History, Politics, Religion, Philosophy...and even some dreaded math.
My husband has been having trouble finding work, so he is back in school. He is using his brain (which is so great for someone as "thinky" as he is), meeting new people, and feeling so useful. He goes part-time (Monday and Tues nights when I am home with the kids) and is happy, available to take and pick up the kids from school, has his weekends with me, and the $8000 checks we get to supplement our living expenses 3 times a year totally help. And did i mention he's 39? Plus, there are all sort of services available to students & their families (like health care coverage). They make the Federal Student Loans so easy to pay back, too (like $200 a month - after you graduate). and he can always fall back on teaching or whatever.
Anyway - we are like you: unconventional and highly creative and intelligent. So, i just thought I'd throw it out there as a possible option for the next few years? You can just go part-time and start w/ classes you like. It doesnt even have to be photog (since you are already great at that). It just gives you more options in the long run.....
-kara
I think you should enter this if you haven't already. The work you've been shooting of Cole could make a nice little editorial book. Good luck!
http://pbn.blurb.com/?ce=moo
Hey there! One of the people I follow posted a link to your blog and I must say you have me hooked! I just wanted to tell you that you aren't alone in this. My family went from 6 figures to poverty line within 5 years. You have the right attitude, and I feel inspired. Thank you for reminding me not to be ashamed of my financial situation and for reminding me that getting depressed won't help my situation. Best of luck to you 3 :)
I can't tell you how much this post spoke to me. I grew up dirt poor, on food stamps, to parents who never went to college or really had any aspirations to be anything more than just people who just barely got by. And it showed! I learned from them my procrastination and lazyness, my unwillingness to take risks, my default to just bitch and moan about lifting a finger.
If you're setting an example of your hard work and happiness despite the fact that money isn't exactly flowing right now, your kids will appreciate that so much some day. Just your drive and creativity I see through this blog shows me that! You have one lucky baby on the way.
You have such in intense sincereity when you write. I come here each time you post and always wish the best for you two. Eventually everything will be ok. When that will be no one knows but please know that you and Cole are in my thoughts daily.
Love,
Court
You are really, really brave for sharing this. Good for you and here's hoping that things work out for the best. And soon.
I am still getting used to the idea that so many more people are reading these posts. In the past this has always been a very low attended blog. I want to be sure not to come off like some ass that just posts something and then expects comments to come pouring in and never say a thing about it. I appreciate everything that is sent, even the more coarse jabbing anonymous comments :)
So I hope everyone knows that I will always try my best to track back and read and stay connected with the people that are reading here. As much as I can.
Also the Wii thing is just an aside. It has nothing really to do with any major life goal or dream of mine. It was just a good idea that I wanted to talk to a developer about. So thanks so much to anyone that wrote or might write about it. Seriously cool.
Sitting here not sure what to write. I agree with what most folks have expressed thus far. In such a short time, you've become the person I cheer for the most. I wish all the best for you & the fam, I know you'll have all the best too...only loads of goodness can come to someone like you who loves his family as you do. big hugs
Thank you. I know this post was for Cole (and she is soo lucky to have you) but it actually gave me a little peace today.
This is a great post. Your writing is amazing, thank you for letting us be a part of your life.
I really enjoy reading your blog...it's always real.
Have you ever though of submitting your posts as articles to magazines? They reach out and touch you.
Um, first of all I kind of love you. :-) Not in the you and Cole way, but just in the you're so honest it makes me warm inside kind of way.
Anyway, I have an idea for you. I think your photography is awesome. I think you could really do well with a website called etsy.com. You probably have heard of it, but all you'd really have to do is open up a shop on there selling your photography, link it to your blog, and watch magical things happen. People like Katie Henry (http://www.madebyhank.blogspot.com/) started off with no idea of how successful they'd be and have been doing really well.
It's just a thought, but I really think you have nothing to lose. I will buy your photography. Promise.
Good luck!
Betsy
I'm not a Wii dev but I am a game developer, and my business partner recently quit his industry job as a Wii dev. I'm posting anonymously to protect him for the moment.
That said, developing a video game is a big undertaking. Developing one for a console is even bigger. I don't want to rain on your already pretty foggy parade, but ideas are nothing. I just wanted to tell you this cause I respect your photography and I identify with you. This can be done, but you have to have more than an idea. You have to have months of programming and artwork, you have to have Nintendo approval and you have to have a development kit ($2000).
Publishers wont pay for an idea... they MIGHT pay you for an already complete game. A tech demo? Even less likely. But not an idea. The best way to get it done is to do it. If that means learning to program, learn to program.
But you can't really start with a Wii game, either. Anyway, I think making a video game is a fine thing to do, especially right now, and I'm not totally against helping you, but it didn't strike me that you have alot of experience. I'm really not trying to be mean. It is literally a rite of passage to say 'I have an idea' and then be lectured by someone who has been doing it for a while. : )
You are an amazing man with amazing talent! That is recognized now by many, and will be recognized by "the right people" soon enough! *hugs*
@ Anono developer - I understand man, like I said this isn't anything I ever dream of doing or want to do for a living or anything. I just had an idea for a game and I do know that you have to have someone just straight up make the game first. Just email me thru my blogger profile and I will tell you it. It is simple. small paragraph to explain it. thanks for the comment
Oh, this is the kind of post where I want to be able to HELP in some way. Do you have an etsy store where I could by a photo print or something? Or a place to donate to your cause? I'm lucky that I'm in a position where I can afford to help a little, if there is an avenue for me to do so?
Does it have to be a wii game? iPhone apps are a lot cheaper to develop!
This will all make for SUCH a gripping story when you're interviewed by Oprah.
[pans to middle-aged women in audience tearing up and nodding emphatically...]
I've only just discovered your blog within the past week, but I look forward to each new post immensely. You are so talented and you and your wife make such a lovely, strong, supportive pair; I imagine your children will grow up to be beautiful human beings. Also, your writing is so candid and inspiring. Although we're in quite different situations, it's connecting to me, because I'm just in my first year of college, wanting to pursue art, wanting to make a viable living, not wanting to work a Dick Duke job, and thinking I may have to at first. It's just nice to know that other people were/are unsure and that fact that you keep your head up and keep on going makes me want to do the same. I wish you luck in job-hunting.
Your a spectacular writer! Your honest and upfront and you are going to make a grand dad!! Wait, not a granddad, well you know!!
Also, I am in the middle of looking for work, so i know what you are sort of going through. Kinda!!
Good luck bro!!! Follow your passions!
I FEEL YOUR PAIN. I'M 28 YRS OLD AND IT PAINS ME EVERYDAY KNOWING THAT I GET PASSED UP FOR JOBS THAT I KNOW I WOULD BE AWESOME AT, BASED ON MY EXPERIENCE, DRIVE AND WORK ETHIC, ALL BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE A DEGREE TO LIST. I HAVE GONE TO COMMUNITY COLLEGE WHILE WORKING A FULL TIME JOB SINCE I GRADUATED IN 99 BUT I JUST HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO COMPLETE AN AA. I WORK FULL TIME, IT'S TIRING TO DEVOTE YOUR 24 HOUR DAY TO 8-9 HOURS OF WORK,1-2 HOURS OF COMMUTING, PUTTING ASIDE TIME FOR YOUR FAMILY AND THEN ADDING SCHOOL AND WORK ON TOP OF ALL OF THAT. YOU TAKE WONDERFUL PICTURES FOR NOT HAVING BEEN "FORMALLY" TRAINED, HAD YOU NOT MENTIONED THAT I WOULD HAVE NEVER KNOWN. IF YOU HAVE A LOCAL COMMUNITY COLLEGE THAT OFFERS PHOTOGRAPHY, YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO QAULIFY FOR BOGW AND FINANCIAL AID GRANTS TO PAY FOR THAT AA DEGREE IN PHOTOG. ON ANOTHER NOTE, COLE IS BEAUTIFUL, AND SHE TAKES GREAT PICTURES, SHE KNOWS HOW TO POSE...HAS SHE OR YOU THOUGHT ABOUT SENDING IN PICS TO EXPECTING MODELS INC. TO SEE IF THEY CAN GET HER SOME WORK? I KNOW COLE HAS A JOB, BUT YOU NEVER KNOW. MAYBE THAT IS SOMETHING YOU CAN START IN YOUR NECK OF THE WOODS, YOU ALREADY HAVE YOUR FIRST MODEL. HANG IN THERE.
Oh my God! You nailed it with what you said about your dad and your childhood.
It is the worst feeling in the world.. having your father come in everyday, dragging his feet to the table, sitting down, ranting on how shitty his job is, how he's so tired, he works like a slave for US, and doesn't get anything in return, he left all his dreams behind when he had a family and had to settle with his stinky unfulfilling job just to bring bread to the table. Pissy attitude... and you couldn't even bother talking to him cause he'd be all annoyed by every comment. It would bring the entire household down. Well in my case, my dad didn't work in the same company for 30 years, he's a very unreliable and volatile person when it comes to his job so he's constantly bouncing from one company to another, which makes us worry even more about my mom & dad's future, and me and my sister's as well, because we are currently still living with them, and I've been unemployed for the longest time, no luck finding anything good (not even decent) out there. But that's another story.
Bottom line is that you are right, parent's that come home to rant away, letting their family life pass them by, sorta "screws" their children's way of seeing workforce, job stability, sacrifices needed to ben done for a good, stress-free future.
I have done pretty much the entire opposite my dad did, just so i don't turn out dream-less and hopeless like he is. I want to LOVE what I do, and if i LOVE what i do, i'll be good at it, and make it work for me. I won't bow down to comformity and do whatever comes up just because "i needed to" and "this pays better". BS.
What you are showing LB is worth more than money. Hang in there. If I ever have a baby, I want Cole in charge of decorating my nursery.
Truth.
Fucking truth.
So sincere and beautiful!! You guys are going to come through this and be stronger than ever for it! Your writing just drew me in, and was so touching. Stay strong!! I love your transparency.
:)
~Tabitha~
freshmommyblog.com
You continue to amaze me every time I read these posts. You are brilliant and I do beleive your time will come because you have so much going for you. The doors will open up for you in due time(and I know you probally are feeling like they couldn't open soon enough.).
I know what it's like to have to buy food with food stamps. It sucks. It's humbling. It can be embarrassing. The positive side to it is being thankful that at least their is food to put on the table. And the lesson of humility that you learn and never forget. It's humbling having to ask for help and accepting it gracefully.
Going through tough times like you and I and many others are right now, teaches us many things. Our perspectives change. We learn to be creative and resourceful with what we have. We learn to make the best of things. We learn how to live simple.
In time, this season of struggling will end but you will have valuable lessons that you learned along the way, to take with you to the next season of your life. Then it will be your chance to give back and reach out and help someone in need. And because you have walked that road you will recognize needs when you see them.
I truely believe that you and Cole and your children have some amazing things ahead. Blessings to you, Cole, LB and the baby!
My husband and I have been trying to stay afloat since his business ( in construction) went under in Sept. It's hard. It's frustrating. At times, it's embarassing to ask for help, but right now is when a lot of us NEED to be asking for it. We need to reach out, and be our communities again. The best thing out of all of this, is, firstly, I was right about the Republicans, and secondly, is that I truly am blessed with my family and friends. We just keep plugging on, hoping the rent will be paid, that we can keep the lights on, the car in the drive, and that's all we can do. Someday, we'll realize how very strong we were to get through this, and truly feel blessed.
we're literally going through the same thing.
I just had a little one myself and wanted to find a way to give a lot to the new little person without breaking the non existent bank. I'm sure you know all about freecycle.com, but if you don't, its a great way to get gently used (if you ask specifically for it) kid paraphanalia (bouncers, swings, toys...etc) and clothing while being green and helping others. Your baby is so loved and fortunate to have parents like the two of you!!!!
I keep starting and erasing my comment, trying to find the right words to say what your blog makes me feel. It is too much for this little box to hold. I want you guys to succeed, to win at the money game so that you don't have to stress and can concentrate on your beautiful family. I hope you will consider opening some sort of online store (etsy or bigcartel?)to sell your photographic prints and/or artwork because I can assure you I am not the only person out there who would love to see that happen. You have a lot of people rooting for you.
the good thing about not having a degree... is you're not sitting there in the exact unemployed situation but with student loans to worry about! sallie mae is relentless to the poor man i am in love with who got stuck paying his own schooling after an evil mother renigged on promises of paying for his education then left him hanging... and left us in debt for ions to come. and still, at this time, he can't find a steady job either. beautiful post. there is nothing to be ashamed of, it is the life many of us are facing now. the point is to make it a beautiful one regardless.
I just want you to know that your blog grabs my soul. I'm sure it feels like begging, but would you consider opening up an online tip jar on your site? A few dollars from a few hundred people could really make a difference and keep you afloat a bit longer. And it's not begging; it would be allowing us to pay you for your incredible writing and photos... sort of like buying your book if you had one.
My dad had so many middle management bosses, I don't even remember the names. But I remember the huge thermos of coffee and him coming home at 7 after the 45 minute commute from St. Paul. My mom would set out some box dinner and leave for overnight work at Target, and my dad would just be...stone. He never hugged us, I used to wonder if he knew my name. The only time I saw emotion was when he was angry or beaten down.
We're getting married this year with the $9k he managed to stash working thankless shitty job after thankless shitty job (and getting laid off from the job he worked since my birth a year before retirement without any early retirement offers or decent severence). At first I didn't want the money, but now I'm committed to making it the best night of his life so that it has some kind of purpose if not revenge for how hard they made it to earn and how much they took from us as a family.
@ Shannon - ya know I feel like an asshole because I didn't approve a few comments today that suggested I put up a pay-pal donation thingy. I just would never do it. Not because I am too proud or stubborn, but because there are WAY WAY too many people in the world that need help WAY WAY more than we do. It is sweet and lovely and kind and that is amazing to know that people have the heart to want to help others, but I would never do it. MAYBE if our house was swallowed by water and then caught on fire and I lost limbs would I MAYBE consider it then. But honestly thank you.
I will have a book to buy someday. I work on it everyday.
@ everyone- it is so cool to read these comments and know that there is a big awesome party raging of unemployed people. All of this stuff helps. The talking about it thing. I am really not used to getting so many reactions to thoughts I am putting here. Good thing I didn't write the post about Cole wanting me to inspect her vagina like I was going to. That would have been awkward. You can totally thank me later Cole :) She told me to write that.
Here I am all late to the party going on in your comment section...but great post as usual Ryan with your pouring out on the page. I don't want to say I understand what you're going through but I will say my man was a musician in his 20's and in his early 30's, after we got married, he was all, holy shit, I need to make some money. So the process of reinvention began.
The road has not always been easy but I wouldn't trade it for the world. I love what you say about how the nursery is all you guys instead of some whatever catalogue and that makes it that much sweeter. Damn straight on that. I totally get you on that one.
YOU are so filled with ingenuity it's sick. It's all happening...you are on your way.
Let me tell you if I could get foodstamps to help feed MY FOUR kids that my entire hard working family has paid into FOREVER to help out, dude I TOTALLY WOULD !!This too will pass ...but please write up a few short stories and take this blog and send these damn things to anyone in the "writing, publishing, magazine world"...Im telling you , you are a diamond in the rough.Even maternity magazine,parenting mags..whatever ..you NEED to be discovered!! Okay anyway, blow kisses to the whole fam from this internet stranger mommy ..Im sending good thoughts and whatever the hell else I can lol..OHHH and tell Cole to go to swapmama...very helpful..she will love it..
just read through the other comments and YES OPEN AN ETSY STORE..We all love you here and m sure most of us would LOVE to buy one of your photos before you become TOTALLY FAMOUS !!! I will def. buy.It is a way that we can get something and feel we are helping you guys that we all LOVE =).Awesome idea...please do it..lol
You're right--there is no shame in this. You're a good man and father.
does cole have a blog too?
I printed out this blog entry for my husband to read, so he knows that we are not alone. And also to remind him to not be so negative about his job around our son (my husband too has a Dick Dukes--a man who brings to mind a line from the Police's old song Synchronicity II: "every single meeting with his so-called superior is a humiliating kick in the crotch"). You are a good and honorable man. This blog entry brought tears to my eyes and kicked my butt clear out of lurker-dom.
Great post. I love the honesty. I think this hits home for many people right now. Thank you for sharing. (even if it was intended more for your wife.)
What I don't understand is why NO ONE out in the Internetverse hasn't sat up and taken notice of you and your talent.
I know there's something in store for you. A creative outlet for you that allows you to help take care of your family.
I just wish it would get here quickly for you guys.
I could go on about all the things this made me think and feel while reading but I'll keep it simple:
This is the best blog post I have ever read on any of the blogs that I follow.
You're a good man. Your family is blessed to have you.
I pray that you will find work soon or work finds you soon. Which ever happens first. =)
Nice post. Thanks for the comment on my blog--made me feel cool to have a real writer leave a note! (consider a big smiley face inserted here)
Amazingly real. Luck is when preparation meets opportunity. You're on the verge of that opportunity. You just have to make sure you see it when it looks you in the eye. We're rooting for you.
I just sent this to my husband to read because he just lost his job and is feeling like his ego is a little dented. Thank you for articulating what I could not.
Ryan. I have known you for several years, and I have to say this:
I am glad that you are not ashamed of your present state. Why would you be? Life happens in ways that NO ONE will ever be prepared for. Degree shit or not.
I have been on and off food stamps for several years, and in no way does it make me feel poor. How on earth could it? With the bullshit of Florida's (and America in general) Employment situation and insurance bullshit, it sometimes comes down to food or medicines, at least for me and other people know. It is a great feeling to know that is one less thing I will worry about wondering where the money will come from when i have stretched my budget as far as I think I can manage. Taking into consideration that I am still fucking my credit anyhow, deciding what bill I can pay this month. And defaulting on a car could be the best idea you have at this point. That's what I did to my old Passat, and taking away that 300 bill every month helped me breathe again. Sure, I have to deal with it inthe future, but I had to make those hard decisions to be able to live today.
Take the help you are eligible for to give you the extra time you need to find (or make, and knowing you, this is how you will do it) a job or work. Look for help EVERYWHERE and apply for all sorts of assistance. You guys are eligible for ALL OF IT since there is a baby on the way. You know my mother was a social worker here in Florida and I have all of her info about programs that you can use in the interim if you want the help. I can help you with the sites and contacts.
Anytime.
This is what I wish my husband would tell me. That we're not rich and we're not willing to pretend to be. That even though he doesn't get all the comforts that he wants- we still have a great life and he refuses to be ashamed of it. I wish he had the words to tell me he feels this way, too.
I'm glad to hear yours.
You will, without doubt, come out on top of all this mess. You have the mind set, drive and the loving support of your family. All the things that make a man a great success. Not that you needed to be told that.
Hey there - do you have an agreement with American Apparel to not have other ads on your site? b/c you have a better blog than a lot of people who support or partially support themselves with their blogs... get some ads up! Thanks for your wisdom, insight, and the beauty you're bringing to my days.
You touch so many people. I'm in inner-city London, trying to be a barrister, living on a pittance. I have only myself to worry about, and as many choices as I can imagine, and yet I am envious of you.
Thank you for pointing out what really matters.
PS: Your wife is soooooo beautiful. Haven't AA offered her anything yet for making their clothes look so good?
I have been in _very_ similar circumstances (very recently) and can completely relate to the pain, worry, and pride you have in the process you are going through. I am amazed at how willing you are to share your situation and even inspired by it (I have never hidden my own, and have meant to blog about it, but just never got around to it yet). That will soon change thanks to you.
It is amazing how intimate a relationship can become when the hardest problems in life hit. I too am blessed with an understanding, supportive, and helpful wife and can vouch to how much of a difference it makes no matter what your circumstances are.
On another note, during my most recent financial problems I found myself moving from Arizona to Oregon for a job that I ended up only working for a week due to a new opportunity that came up. However, that one week job ended up being with a company called Garage Games (http://www.garagegames.com/). I'm not sure if I'd really be of any help as far a specific developers or contacts as I was just on their web team, but they may be someone you want to look into as far as pointing you towards potential developers for your idea for the Wii.
Hope this helps somewhat and wish you and growing family all the best of luck with the current economy.
You are not alone in the panic room!Thank you for being so candid.
You are not only an amazing photographer, but have a beautiful talent for honest writing. No college degree would ever be able to teach you how to write so movingly.
As you wrote about the college degree, I just wanted to shout --"No! It's just bad all over!" I put myself through a prestigious Ivy League graduate program to follow my dream, but to also "secure" my financial future. Hah! Nine months unemployed and only one interview. I am too "officially poor" and am about to move from NYC back to my parents in rural WA. But like you, keeping an open mind and heart.
This is hitting all of us, on every path. Please don't doubt your truly exceptional talents.
Just wanted to say that my husband is in the exact same position as you. He is 38 years old, unemployed and cannot get a job because he does not have a degree. This man is brilliant and can do more than most 21 year olds fresh out of college can do...but he can't catch a break because he doesn't have the paper. Meanwhile, I have to watch him feel less and less like the provider he so badly wants to be.
Good luck to you and your wife and your little one!
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