Nobody Can Make You Cry Like A Mom Can
I was born and raised on irritated soil, and so the grass tasted funny to me here on this side of harmony. It certainly is delicious and I'm devouring it now, it was just hard to trust it at first. Now here I am happy and large.
I try and not write about my Mother and Father in this place very often because at the end of the day it feels like a slippery slope to pure streamlined negativity. I didn't have an abusive or terribly cruel childhood to speak of, we just had our problems, our disconnect. When it's written down it comes off whiny in comparison to the evils that fall upon some children in this world. I'm not going to be the guy that is wetting himself over trivial traumatic times. It's like complaining about your legs being sore from jumping and playing to a paraplegic. The one thing I can say about blogging that makes me uncomfortable, is that whenever you write about something that bothers you... no matter how many disclaimers you slip in, the comment section snowballs into sympathy somehow. I know for some it is their nature to comfort others, and they really like to get in there and hug it out with sweet words, but for me in some cases it makes me feel small minded and petty. Someone I just started reading recently wrote a great post (and then deleted it) about feeling the suck of life, and she was unapologetically feeling bad, and really wanted someone desperately just to say: "YES! Life DOES indeed fucking suck a big bag of dicks right now." Instead of the flood of well wishes that usually follow when someone feels low. I completely get what she was saying. She wasn't looking for a doomsday party, just some acknowledgment that sometimes life kicks you in the face, and it fucking hurts, so don't try and put a positive spin on it. Just say, you're right it hurts.
I started writing all of this because I have been working on a new piece for an assignment. And not to ruin the story, but it's simply about not letting yourself slip into such a working and parenting chasm that by the time your kids are teenagers you have no idea what the fuck they are saying, doing, listening to, watching, reading, and the gap is so insurmountable that your kids just can't relate to you on some levels any longer. Sound fun? Well, it has really been stirring the shit-storm in my head of the problems and memories I had with my Mom and Dad. It really is a shame that things got so bad. It's to the point now that 90% of the time I can never tell them about anything I am doing because they just don't understand. Everything is followed with a: "Is that good?" or "Is that a big deal?" and the famous "So... we should be happy?" Having someone pretend to be happy for a hard fought accomplishment feels about as good as a sympathy laugh when a joke bombs. It just falls at your feet and leaves you empty.
So my Mother and I finally had it out last week. Our conversations had been reduced to just a minute or so because I just wasn't telling them anything about my life anymore. Trying to explain to my Mom what I'm doing with this blog and with the book, and with freelance work, and trying to assist for photographers is almost impossible. "How do you assist someone taking a picture?" never mind Mom...
So yeah, we have been just sitting on the phone, waiting for the other person to ask something that will actually lead to a conversation. "LB is doing fine, The baby is coming along fine, and Cole and I are really great" and then I ask:"What are you and Dad doing?" she says, "Same thing we always do." and then silence. I was finally fed up and launched into a rant, "Ya know why we NEVER talk? It's because I can't tell you ANYTHING about my life... NOTHING!" It was so 13 year old angst and the tears and the shaky voice just leapt up and out, and the grown ass man hiding inside my brain was like, "Holy shit, you are losing it crybaby." and I just kept going and going and letting her know all of the stuff I was doing, and trying to do, and how she has never in my life once said she was proud of me for anything I have ever done. I suppose this was a breakthrough in the respect that we talked on the phone for almost an hour, and that we didn't end the conversation angry. I am not sure that it resolved anything but it felt good to finally at least say what I am doing. In the end she finally told me she was proud of me. Not for anything that I was trying to do creatively or in the workforce, but she was proud of me because my one year anniversary being married to Cole is approaching on Sunday, and while reminding her that it was this week, she asked how did I feel about the milestone? I said that: "If you're marriage is supposed to shake and crumble when the times are tough with money and stress, then I married the right girl, because I love her as much as the day we said I do despite all of the problems we have been handed. All of this economic turmoil and uncertainty with LB has made us fall even harder for one another, instead of turn against one another. My marriage is the most important thing in my life right now, I am so in love with her." To which she responded: "Well there you are Ryan... I am very proud of you." and then she hung up so that I couldn't ruin the first time she said she was proud of me.
All the Love in the Universe ~ Me
*UPDATE - I love my Mom. In the way that a boy SHOULD love his Mom, meaning if anyone ever tried to hurt her I would do everything in my power to ruin them. She has been there for me my entire life. We just happen to barely get along. We do not share the same belief system, but I respect her choices. She doesn't give out praise or hoorays very often, and the ones she does give out, are all hard fought. It has made me who I am. I love her for that. I feel like I needed to make that clear. Thanks for all the comments on this post. I can't believe how many people are connecting with these words. It is overwhelming and so very appreciated.
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60 comments:
Wow. I can totally relate to EVERYTHING in this post. Except, for me, nobody can make me cry like my dad. Who I haven't had a meaningful conversation with in years.
Let's try not to make the same mistakes with our own kids, mkay?
Life does suck and isn't full of butterflies flying out your butt like most people claim. Why do they pretend? I don't know. Everyone still wants to be popular.
As far as parents sometimes they suck too. My mom doesn't even know about my blog. I have sent her the links several times, but she doesn't even try to understand that this is something that makes me happy.
Hugs and Mocha,
Stesha
1. you have the kind of love i dream of having.
2. life really does suck a big bag of dicks right now.
3. Fuck!
Sounds exactly like my mother, I try to tell her about my blog or work or anything and she has no idea. I'm happy at least that my dad has kept up with things, I've always been able to talk to him and he gets it. When I was at uni he would ask me my subjects and actually remember them or have intelligent conversation about the topics. I always wonder how I would of turned out had I not had my dad keeping things together!!!
Do how do you do it? How do you keep a relationship from heading that way? I only ask because I am the mother of a seven month-old son and I would NEVER want our relationship to go the way yours has gone with your mom. (Or the way my MIL and my husband's has gone ... different, but it still seems disfunctional.)
Oh, and congrats on your impending anniversary!
I talk to my mom everyday, and everyday she makes me feel like shit. I'm beyond crying at this point.
One day she complains that I'm not commuting an hour to work for some random college press for 8 bucks an hour, the next she's saying she'd never watch the kids while I did, and finally these conversations usually end with: I don't see why you just don't go back to school.
Go back to school so I can commute for two hours a day (more with traffic) and make 10 bucks an hour instead of 8?
I thought Mom's were smarter than us!?
Yup. Sometimes life sucks. It sucks when you don't get along well with your parents but I'm glad that you guys were able to connect, even if just a little bit. Because you know what sucks even worse than having this big chasm with your parents? Having that chasm, never filling it and having them die. That really sucks because you get the 'so sorry for you' crap and you also get the guilt of not trying harder and the big fat slap of reality that its too late. Nobody needs to tell you that you're doing the right thing- you already know. I'm glad.
I hear ya with the disconnect. Sometimes (by that I mean almost every time) I wonder why I even bother going home on breaks.. or bother getting excited about it.
That's the worst. When I make the attempt to bond with them, and I fail because they aren't "available" so to speak.. when I talk I don't feel like they're actually listening. The second I stop talking is the second the conversation ends.
Did it feel good to get it off your chest like that?
@ Nicole - I will link you to that story when it is published :)
@ Robyn -I will try. I know I will make tons of mistakes, I will try and not make that one.
@ Stesha - They do suck sometimes but in their weird ways love us to death. Which makes it so confusing.
@ Julie - hilarious comment
@Lily - As long as you have one hero you will always be okay and sounds like you have that in your Dad :)
@ Erin - They are smarter in ways we sometimes don't want to admit to. And then in other ways just live on another planet.
Reading this made me feel not alone.
Best of luck raising your kids. I think that we might make the best parents, just because we know so well what not to do.
i have a wonderful relationship with my parents and they are always proud and supportive of me. and i still somehow manage to think life sucks a bag of dicks 90% of the time, despite all the love. and that has always left me feeling so guilty, knowing that people who have it worse off are happier, which only compounds my bag of dicks feelings.
ah.. teen angst in your mid 20s. so bittersweet, so fun.
Life does surely suck. Ugh. It does. And I can totally relate to you, except for me, I've never had a good relationship with my father. I don't like to blame him cause, when I look back, I knew he wasn't ever around 'cause he was working, trying to support our family (ever since I can remember). But that lead to distance between us. I'm 28yrs old, and still can't have a meaningful convo with my dad, I don't think i ever have, for that matter. It hurts my heart.
Does it feel GOOD to have let it all out? Gosh, I'm sure it did. Maybe one day I'll have enough courage to do that too.
Great post. Thanks for sharing.
First off, congrats on actually having the conversation. Maybe nothing's solved, maybe nothing is ultimately going to change for the long-term... but at least you got it off your chest. Which is farther than a lot of people ever get.
Second... I just wanted to say what a pleasure it's becoming to read you.
That's it. We now return you to your regularly scheduled bag of dicks.
AWESOME.FREAKING.POST!!!
I can relate. What is it about mom' who always make their adult children feel like crap??
I am still trying to figure that out!!!
You rock and happy 1st anniversary to you and Cole!!!
I loved reading this. Thank you for sharing it.
I dream about the day I am brave enough to launch into a rant with my own mother, but I'm just not there yet... one day!
I need to have that conversation with my Father. I've been putting it off for years, firstly because I hate confrontation and secondly (and most amazingly) because I'm actually worried about hurting his feelings. Even though he's never once stopped to consider mine. I know it's going to explode one of these days because our relationship makes me thoroughly miserable and anxious ... which in turn leads to resentment and plain old dislike. Taking that first step is the hardest, I guess.
Thank you ... this wasn't the easiest thing to read, but it has certainly made me think.
And Happy Anniversary to you and Cole :)
I'm going to hold back on saying that you guys have had a lot on your plate lately, and so I'll rather say that you're right, life sucks like that man. Sorry about expressing earlier sympathy, it wasn't ill-intentioned (not being ironic, just realizing you're the kind of guy it hurts more than it helps).
Parents... Love/hate/function/dysfunction/bonding/issues/closeness/estrangement... I feel like in the last few years I've settled into relative peace, but we're always struggling between all of these above. I personally wish I would have never given them (or my MIL) the URL of my blog: I could be more honest like you are.
My real angst-causing question is, as parents, are we going to be like that too?
I think you nailed it. My husband and I both come from not the greatest childhoods. We feel our way along, almost like a social experiment at times. We just know we don't want what we grew up with.
My mom? Still crazy. Can't tell her anything.
@ Marie-'Eve - I was mostly talking about sympathy from little complaints about life. It is so overwhelming to know how hard it is for people every where right now. It is hard to be honest and not come off as a whiner at the same time.
And yes! I am sure despite all of my efforts there will be things I can't relate to with my kids. I am not going to worry about it. Just when it happens I will be sure to take the time to educate myself until I CAN understand it. That is the disconnect. Not that they don't know, it is that they don't care to know. It's easier to just say... I don't get it.
Thanks for your comment :)
@ Suzanne - You're welcome
@ Michelle - pretty excited about the anniversary thanks.
@ Two Busy- it did feel good to have it. it felt really good.
@ Cio - it is hard to be angry about it cause like you said, most of the time it comes from them just working hard and making sure we have what we need to be safe. So it feels bad to feel bad ya know.
@ Octohawk - Oh the mid twenties I miss you sometimes.
@ Breezy - I hope so.
"I know for some it is their nature to comfort others, and they really like to get in there and hug it out with sweet words, but for me in some cases it makes me feel small minded and petty."
I know exactly what you mean, but I've never been able to nail it in a sentence.
Also, I'd just like to say hi. I live in Canada and I have been reading your blog for about 3 weeks now and I really enjoy it. I admire your total honesty, bravery and sense of humour. Plus, I think you are an amazing photographer and I'm looking forward to seeing more of your work.
it's simply about not letting yourself slip into such a working and parenting chasm that by the time your kids are teenagers you have no idea what the fuck they are saying, doing, listening to, watching, reading, and the gap is so insurmountable that your kids just can't relate to you on some levels any longer.This line really resonates with me. I think the same can be said for marriage as well. How do you make sure to get it right from the beginning and from there stay on the right path?
my stoic upbringing has turned me into a stone and I barely cry. This Blog, however, made me tear up. Why? You just captured the answer to that question perfectly. Amazing how some things can just creep up on you and turn you into a crybaby.
my parents and i definately become more and more estranged by the day-- i'm 27 years old and if it weren't for my 4 1/2 year old son, i'd probably never talk to them. it's not just leftover teen agnst-- they truly do not understand me and take every opportunity to mash my self esteem, which is the size of a walnut, into the ground. it's frustrating, because i still seek validation from them for some reason.
just be sure not to pass the same sad relationship on with your kids-- i'm sure you won't :)
One of the best things about your blog is your honesty. I'm in the middle of parenting two teens, and it's the hardest thing I have ever done. Harder than the endless sleep deprivation of a baby, being barfed on, and picking snot out of a toddler's nose. It is my constant fear that I'm causing my teens future therapy bills. Some days....who am I kidding....some weeks it's hard to remember to look for the good stuff amongst all the angst and attitude.
Thanks for the reminder.
Parents suck! I have never been cut out to be a daughter. I just failed across the board in that part of life. I have a hard time blaming it on my mother because she is so close with the other kids. I think it's just me. and about the fact that mother NEVER tells you she is proud of you... That's my mom.
Why does it bother it us so much?
...it is what it is.
it is never, never easy.
Life is a rollercoaster, up and down, up and down but the good thing is when you have something to hang on.
During my stay here, a lot .. A LOT of things happened to me, a lot of things changed. I've cried so much but the only thing that remains and truly matter is love.
Happy Anniversary.
Moms.....sheesh......as someone once said, if it's not one thing, it's your mother...
and no one, no one, NO one, can nail you like your mother...and when I say "your" mother...you realize I am saying MY mother...
Ryan, you are one of the most articulate, expressive, open and honest men I have ever "met." You don't get that way unless your mama did "something" right...
My husband is 35 this year and although we'll have been married for 6 years in August, it's only over the last 2 that I've noticed that same disconnect between he and his parents. It was *always* there, but I never noticed it because my relationship with my parents is so dramatically destructive and historically f*cked up. His just don't get him and never have. They weren't any more involved during his childhood than they absolutely had to be, always did just what they were supposed to and no more. When I first got to know him, I imagined that his childhood must have been idyllic, but over the years I've realized that it needs more than the minimum to raise a child.
I'm glad in some ways that we both have the past we have. We learned what pitfalls to avoid, what to try to focus on.. So far it's worked out just fine. But still. Still.
I've been reading your blog daily for the past couple weeks, and I have to say...it's my new favourite.
You seem to speak from MY heart. I don't know how you do it. But I love it.
And as someone whose relationship with "the one" (without a ring) is currently on the edge and could go either way at any time, I look forward to your posts and wonder how you and Cole have been able to get closer through stress and the economy. What is your secret? Whatever it is, you are my newest hero. For reals.
Wowee. That was one hell of a post.
You're right, life does suck butt.
And you know what, the rest of us are proud of you and Cole for sticking together during these tough times. It is incredible that you guys are "man" enough to suck it up and deal with it. A lot of people just bail.
Kudos to you for being a man and dealing with what life has handed you.
Whether I relate or not [for the record, I do] is not the point. The honesty is the point. And you are honest and unapologetic. And I really appreciate that. Because sometimes life sucks. And sometimes it is beautiful. And sometimes it's a clusterfuck. You get that, and you share it. So thanks.
I'm glad that you confronted her.
New to your site, but I dig it...I really dig it.
This post is extremely well written and kinda raw...sometimes all anyone is ever looking for is someone to agree that life DOES suck a big bag of donkey dicks.
What makes some relationships so hard? Beats the shit out of me....but if ever you figure it out...please write a post about it!
Looking forward to getting to know you and the cast of characters.
I have a friend who, everytime I talk about how stressed out I am at school, or how hard it is to be around a person I have legal problems with, she tells me that "it'll be fine, just don't worry about it." Those words, to me, are like sympatic comments to you. Sometimes, like your blog-buddy, I just want her to say "Yeah, life really fucking sucks. A lot. Fuck it." Sympathy is nice sometimes, but sometimes you just need to accept that things are shitty and move on.
Happy Anniversary to you and Cole--one year is an amazing feat, especially with all of the economic and personal stress that you're going through. Keep on truckin'.
Also, I love your blog and your breathtaking photography--I figured as my first comment here, ever, I had to mention why I'm here in the first place!
Also. I am telling everyone I know about your blog. Because of the honesty and because of the love and because you say fuck [it's one of my favorite words].
Also. Happy Anniversary. I love the way you talk about Cole and LB and the baby. The love is glowy and shiney and still feels real and like maybe one day I could have my own version. Inspiring, that's what it is.
I'm with you and DreamHaze -- for me the unbearable response to my complaining is when people start listing all the reasons it's really not so bad. Sometimes I just want to get a good, healthy whine out, especially now in the last throes of my pregnancy, and have someone agree that, yes, having heartburn 24/7 is crappy, and feeling like a giant water buffalo sucks, instead of hearing that I look great and it will all be worth it when my baby comes, and try to think happy thoughts, blah blah. I KNOW all the reasons I'm lucky, trust me, and I'm incredibly grateful for them all, but in some moments the suckiness just beats you over the head and you need to wallow in it for a second before you shake it off and move on. Why don't people get that?
Like everyone else here Ryan, and your mom, I am hugely proud of you and Cole for recognizing real love, and doing the work to build something rock solid from it. It is such a rare accomplishment. I am also proud of you for continuing to follow your heart with your photography and following every lead to make that work. You have talent, tenacity, and the love and support of your family. The rest will come.
I myself had the "paraplegic" childhood and actually ran away from home and haven't seen or spoken to my parents in over a decade. But I still feel worse most of the time for my sweet BF whose parents are in his life but yet more like the way yours are. I feel he is almost more deprived because they are there whining about their life and when he needs them they say things like- i'm not a bank, or sorry I missed your college graduation, I partied with boyfriend #3 too hard last night and missed my flight and I wouldn't really want to come visit you anyway because I hate your girlfriend who has taken care of you when I wouldn't and have never cared to try to get to know. And by the way sorry I didn't pay for college for you like I promised when you moved to DC because I said I would and then re-nigged after you enrolled and moved there. Good luck ever buying anything on credit with $60k worth of student loan debt. yes, life sucks big dicks sometimes and it is important to place importance on the love in your life and not the assholes, even if they are the people who raised you. and those of us who suffered the unthinkable know everyone has their crosses to bear, it's not a contest of emotional scars. we're all in it together. thanks for the chance to vent, great piece :O)
great post. I've got the same disconnect with my Dad, and like you, he has never once said he's proud of me or he loves me except ONCE.. when my grandpa died, my sisters and I were left a bit of $$ and when my dad mailed the check he wrote a note that said "Don't spend it all in one place. I love you." and I nearly died. For some reason it was both the best thing ever, and the most surreal. I felt like I was in a Dali painting, or like all the goldfishes in the world were flapping outside the bowl. great and weird. I don't know if you felt the fishes, but it seems like a similar situation.
Yep, can totally relate to this post in so many ways. My main goal in my life is to raise my kids so they look back and relish in memories of their childhood--not remember how they had to endure it.
I love your blog and your style.
Awesome. What I really love about this blog is that as soon as I'm done reading a post I immediately have some need to tell you my story. Which is totally selfish, heh, but I think makes the point that you're relating to a good deal of people regardless of their situation.
(Today I finally told my mom to stop texting me bible versus every single morning. Love, her non believing daughter.)
Suck it up, pansy! (ok jk – I really want to give you a hug.)
Well. If today is any indicator, no one can make me cry like you can, because this turned me into a mush puddle at my desk.
And I'm not your mom and we don't even KNOW each other, but I'm proud of you. Honestly really proud of you. I feel like despite the economic/work strife/etc, there are all kinds of really great things starting to happen for you. And on top of that your family is beautiful. And you appreciate it.
i'm really sorry about your mother. lucky for you that she said she was proud!
does anyone know of a site for "worst mother in the world stories"?
the woman who gave birth to me, walked out on me the morning of my wedding because she "wanted to ruin my day". classic.
I secretly hate my mom and don't have the guts to admit it. She makes my life harder and that makes me sad {and pretty pissed}.
I think it's pretty awesome that you said all of that to her! I love to see how our generation of parents has been really awesome b.c of learning from mistakes of the past generations.
Parents are very hard - yet, scarily, we seem to turn into them if drastic measures aren't taken (sometimes not needed).
You are doing an excellent, very dedicated job of taking care of your family (by blog reports). Kudos!
PPR (previous post reference):
I know exactly the crazy Dinosaur World place on I-4 near Plant City shown in prev. posts - used to live in Tampa.
PPR: I'll just bet you know Stewart Lippe
@ Anono- I do know Stewart!!! :)
Becoming a parent makes all of this stuff come up again, doesn't it? There is this great paragraph in the book "Momma Zen" by Karen Maezen Miller that helped me heal a lot during my first pregnancy, struggling with similar issues. Thought you might enjoy as well:
"There is a certain attitude, perhaps unavoidable, that most of us seem to adopt as we grow up. It is a kind of self-satisfied conclusion that our parents just didnt love us. Oh, they might have loved us, but they didnt love us ENOUGH. The didnt love us the right way. They didnt love us just so. Have your own child and you will penetrate into the utter absurdity of that idea. You will love your child as your parents loved you and their parents loved them. With a love that is humbling and uncontrived, immense, and indestructable. Parents err, of course, and badly. They can be ignorant, foolish, mean, and far worse, in ways that you can come to forgive in them, and try to prevent in yourself...Now that you are a mother, you can set that story aside, forgetting everything you knew about love."
This post rang true for me as well. I thought about sharing my Readers Digest version of my relationship with my parents, but pretty much it has been summed up throughout all the comments. What a great thought-provoking post. Keep it comin'!!!
p.s. Julie_Gong is HILARIOUS
I love the fact that you are so open and honest in your blogs, too many people just write what they think people want to hear, I'm glad I found your blog!
Moms are on the brain today.....my relationship with my mom is well, also a source of something. Maybe confusion, maybe emptiness, maybe so many things....although like you it was okay. We just can't talk about anything really and that sucks ass hard.
Waaa - waaaa - waaaa. Yep, mom stuff can totally make me cry.
I struggle to keep a relationship with my parents sometimes. I feel like we are just such different kinds of people, that sometimes it is hard to understand each other. (They are all work boots, camping, and country living... and I'm all converse shoes, big city getaways, and contemporary art.) We try really hard to though, because we know it is important to the other. I hope that if anything comes from this conversation with your mom, it is that kind of understanding. People can be so different, and it is especially hard when it is your immediate family, but in the end you have something so primal that connects you. I'm glad that you got to have this conversation with her. I've been there and sometimes shit just needs said.
I can completely relate to everything that you have written.
Burst out into tears quite afew times while reading this. This is how I've been feeling but I've always felt it was wrong to feel this way and I do love my parents but I don't feel like they have ever been proud of me because they never talk about me to their friends and they keep going on and on about my siblings' academic AWESOME achievements. And here I am just, doing my own thing.
Thank you.
A great post as always. I can't totally relate to issues with your parents, I was very blessed. But, what I can say is thanks for being so honest in your posts. I stopped doing this because, well, I could give a shit anymore. It seems life is sucking for a lot of people right now. Thanks for letting us all know we're not alone.
I kinda laughed when I read this, not like funny haha, but laughing from the joy of recognition. It's spot on. I know what it feels like to get a glimmer of recognition in that situation; It's not all happy trails after that, but it's something. Thanks for putting this out there.
I'm going to ask my 22 year old son, graduating from college if I ever told him I'm proud of him. I'm sure I have but it's always worth repeating.
He and I butt heads often and struggle at times but I feel like the gap is closing as he is maturing. See? It's all him. :)
I know what you mean about the disclaimer at the bottom of this post. I'm always hesitant to say anything negative about family because if anyone dared to agree with me, I would probably punch them in the face. Family's a funny thing.
I'm hella proud of you, Ryan. You write an amazing blog and your relationship with Cole is an inspiration.
I get this. There's a lot of stuff I just don't tell my mom about because it just doesn't seem to make any sense to her or else I'm afraid she'll take some kind of offense to it, which could lead to yet another fight. Things have gotten better, but....well enough of that. Yes, big back o'cock sometimes. And not in the good way. Heh. BTW, I just started reading your stuff and have really been liking it. So sorry if you get a bunch of comments from me all at one time.
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