Rampage
The other day i lost my temper in such a way that it actually struck me as psychotic. Nothing that I projected onto anyone else at that moment, thankfully I have the ability to go into a cathartic trance and fantasize about my rage in secret. I had brewed up that white hot flash of fury where you feel like your insides light on fire, and your muscles fill with so much adrenaline you could pick up a building and smash it down into the ground crumbling it to dust, but in all actuality you take all of that force you feel and end up crumbling up a piece of paper really tight, or "sigh" really loud. Which is NEVER as satisfying as a good building smashing can be. I have been losing it lately, "short tempered" asshole would go down as top 3 ways to describe me in the last two weeks. I can't get a handle on it. So I have been intentionally avoiding Cole and LB when I get the most irritable. So what the Fuck is going on in that head of mine? What could possibly be pushing me into this pissy mood? I couldn't figure it out for awhile. At first I thought it might be from feeling like such a failure lately, but then I realized I am totally used to that feeling and gotten over it years ago. Then while I was driving, and had just lost my shit over someone pulling out of a driveway without looking, I realized my body was freaking out. My hands were shaking, my heart was pounding, and I had lost the ability to rationalize minor annoyances. Then it all came together into one big obvious "OH" it's because I have been depriving my body of nicotine. I was in a full emotional rage from not smoking. I have not had a cigarette in weeks now, and my blood is boiling over.
I started smoking when I was 13 years old. My friend and I bought a pack of smokes with quarters out of a vending machine at the Golf & Country Club in our neighborhood that we were bus-boys at. It was a Soft Pack of Camel Non-Filter Cigarettes, and we took them out into the woods to an old concrete drainage bunker and I sat there and smoked till I was sick. I can promise you that I absolutely 100% did this to try and be cool. Nobody likes their first smoke. NOBODY. I sat there and suffered and felt dizzy and scared. I kept at it, and sure enough I started to love it after a few months. I fucking loved smoking. I didn't give a shit that it stunk, that I stunk. I was a teenage smoker. It's always so funny now to see kids smoking, standing around in little huddles all impressed with their rebellion. I realize now how jackass they all look ( and how foolish I must have looked). It's so unnatural, they pull in the smoke too hard and make that dumb "look at me I'm smoking" face, like some bad mouth wide open porno orgasm. They are still in that fascinated "holy shit there is smoke coming out of my mouth and my nose at the same time so I have to cross my eyes and look down at it coming out" phase of smoking. They hold their cigarettes awkward, not quite used to it yet. It is all show at this point. Their smoking is an accessory to their bullshit. I think if I could figure out a way to go around to schools and get kids to actually stop smoking I would do it. I would do my best to try and get through to them without any song and dance bullshit. This ill conceived concept of appearing hip so they trust you and take your advice. This shouldn't be a cool kid contest. At the end of the day, I think I could stand in front of an auditorium of high school kids, take a dying coughing weezing smoking man with a hole in his neck, and half his throat rotted out, push his head back, reach into his body and pull out his lungs that have been reduced to withered stringy tar and black goo... hold it into the air as his lifeless dead body crumbles at my feet and I scream: THIS IS WHAT YOU ARE DOING TO YOUR BODY ASSHOLES!!! there would still be the kids that sit there completely unmoved, shrug it off and say, "Big deal. Fuck that guy, I'm smoking anyway."
(I looked around for a picture of me smoking to put up, and realized that there aren't any. As much as I am camera shy I also tried to never have a cigarette in my mouth for fear that my poor Mother would see it and be broken hearted. So I dug around and could only find this one picture from this Photo Scavenger Hunt I host downtown every year. We were named "The Future Failures of America" and we were smoking cigarettes drunk on the steps of City Hall" That is me on the far right. going for that lighter. What a failure.)
So here I am a 34 year old man. Quitting smoking finally. I just couldn't keep smoking. When I met Cole and LB I knew I had to quit so I started to really cut back. I have always been able to go long stretches without a smoke. I have never been that wake up and smoke kind of smoker. I would avoid it all week and then when LB went to his Dad's I would smoke as much as I could like a nasty addict. As soon as I impregnated (haha impregenated) Cole I knew I had to stop completely and it has been a long battle ever since. Many minor victories but just as many relapses. So I finally planted the thought into my head that I would die and never get to see LB or the baby grow up, and leave Cole lonely and heart broken, and I have not had a smoke since. This is great motivation and I have not had to replace the cravings with much else. Just some over eating and mood swings, and this furious rage that pumps thru my body. Other then that, and the hand tremors, and the oral fixation that has me chewing my tongue off, I am totally good. Almost no side effects, except that I probably shaved 10 years off my life if not more because I wanted to look cool in front of my friends.
I haven't found that magic thing yet to replace the smoking. I've been just riding the urge to smoke and hanging on for dear life until it stops bucking and kicking my ass into the ground. Between Cole being "hormental" and my "psychotic rage" we have been getting into these little bicker fights that have never happened before. Like this morning about cereal or oatmeal for LB. It was all me. I am at fault here. I feel like it is almost over, only because it feels so bad right now. A buddy of mine once went nuts while quitting smoking. It was my friend Devin who I have been writing about lately, he was living out at a recording studio in the middle of nowhere surrounded by cows and orange groves and had no company to distract him. So he started recording remakes of songs at night to distract himself. I would get a random IM and file transfer of him saying: "Yo. check this shit out! I recorded 'Cuts Like A Knife' by Bryan Adams last night." and I would be like "WHY?" and he would have no reason at all. "Because it's fucking awesome!" he would say.
Well I don't live in a recording studio and I am having a really hard time distracting myself from smoking. I will not replace the urges with gum , or patches, or lotions or potions, I just want to fucking quit and to feel like I have control of my mind again. I don't lose my temper. Ever. I hate this feeling. So if any of you that have gone thru this, and you have some suggestions that do not involve binge eating, or other ways to ingest nicotine let me know. Or you can send me your cover songs that you make while going thru nicotine withdrawal. In the mean time I am going to watch gross out videos of lung cancer patients and imagine my own death if I don't stop. Wish me luck
All the Love in the Universe ~ Me
Posts
72 comments:
The NHS stop smoking clinic I went to in England gave me this 'Tangle Toy' to fiddle with when I was craving a cigarette or something to do with my hands.
http://www.thetangleshop.co.uk/userimages/procart2.htm
I quit once I realized I was pregnant. It's been almost 3 years, but I still have urges. My dad who quit when he was in his 20s (so like 40 years ago) says he still gets urges when he's having a beer or in a bar. I'm not saying this to be discouraging, I'm saying it so you know you will always have to be on your toes for those triggers. Just be strong. You are strong, you've gone three weeks and that's a huge deal. Way to go. Keep it up. It's not easy, but it's worth it.
"like some bad mouth wide open porno orgasm" this and the boy scout uniform ought to get you some weird new readers ; -)
I say try acupuncture. I'm serious.
Holy shit. That cover is fucking awesome! You know I love it!
I started smoking as at 19. Quit at 21 for 5 years. Started back. Smoked for 12. Quit 3 years ago.
It gets easier. There are still times I want the rush... just not the stench. It passes.
I can't really offer any practical advice, because I've never smoked. But I work with children who are sick largely because they are exposed to cigarette smoke. If you find yourself undeterred by the cancer videos and thoughts of your own gruesome death, do a little research on the impact second-hand (and even 'third-hand') smoke has on kids.
I know you don't need 'convincing' but you do need a reason to fight this battle with your chenical dependence when it gets tough (like now). All the best.
I know people who SWEAR by acupuncture...worth a shot.
I quit cold turkey, twice. The first - pregnant! Very motivating. But my hubby continued to smoke, so after about a year it crept back up on me. It was awful, waiting for the baby to fall asleep so I could seek outside, inhale frantically and run back in to disinfect myself...I hated it. It was disgusting and I embaresed myself, but I couldn't stop. Like you, I scared myself into it. Anyhow, I still think about it at cetain times, but I'm so very happy I managed to stop, without killing anyone.
I promise, promise that in another week, the rage will be better. Just keep on keeping on and don't let you talk yourself out of it. You are at the worst possible part and you are doing great.
Learning to knit would probably be too frustrating, I know it always got me worked into a sulky fury, but finding something to do with your hands is a wonderful idea. Ellie's tangle toy looks great; I've got one, but I've never smoked so I don't know how effective it is.
I hear smoking is the hardest thing to quit...harder than coke, they say.
I've smoked one pack my entire life, and that was enough for me. Although I have to admit when I smell someone light one up, I want one. Strange but true.
Good luck! Take up sucking lollipops. I hear that helps! And will make you endearing to everyone around you!!
I quit smoking in 2004 and started running. Running sounds like a stupid thing to get addicted to. But you do. And it's a nice way to grab an hour alone to think about writing.
Fuckin hell man, get some PATCHES!!!!!!!!
Worked for me
@ Black Hockey- Running? You must be in such good shape. I am afraid to run, because I am so OCD that I would take off like ol' Forest Gump and run across the country 10 or 12 times. I will try it, I need to lose the weight anyway.
@ Mary - Great, so now you want me to rot my teeth out? I have a thing about adults sucking lollipops, they really disgust me. If someone is standing in front of me sucking one I want to slap it out of their mouth. It is just one of those things. but maybe I could be a straw chewer.
@ Anna - knitting? you realize I am a dude right. I get teased enough for my hobbies I have now. I think between my tea parties and knitting I would be pushing it :)
@ Sticky - one more week. no more anger. you promised. I am going to be SO mad at you if I am still angry in a week :)
@ Bri - ya know I am glad you mentioned this. I have always been sure to NEVER smoke in my house or car or anywhere near anything that would get on Cole or LB. I just started reading about the 3rd hand smoke a few months ago. It makes me sad to see people smoke in their car with empty car seats and think it's okay because their kid isn;t in the car.
@ Wendy - i will email it to you.
@ Totally forgot about acupuncture. Thank you.
@ Lesha - Oh My Lord. I hope this is a case by case basis. I don;t want to have the urge in 20 years. What did I do to myself?
@ Ellie - since the US dollar is worth about a penny that toy is like 3,000 dollars :) haha I will look for one here and give it a try. it looks like something LB would like anyway. Thank you so much for the link
@ IB - NO PATCHES!!!!! they are the devil.
I really admire you for the quitting, I've seen how hard it can be, and if you can get through it you should feel really fucking proud of yourself.
Also, why do I love that recording so much? It made me super sentimental.
I have faith you can do it...but I do understand it it a TRUE addiction. I myself do not smoke - but grew up with parents that did...I lost my momma last October to lung cancer. That in itself will cure you!!!
Wishing you luck
ps...have you tried being Hypnotized? My momma tried that once...
My husband quit by buying the small, much cheaper refill packs of the nic gum. He hated spending money on them so he'd only chew them when he was really desperate. He freaked when I told him that when we were lying in bed at night he would breathe 2 breaths to my 1. Good luck.
I'm glad you're not using patches. It's still nicotine, and you'll just have to wean yourself off those.
I quit on May 4, 2007. Almost two years! My therapist says that I have built neuro-pathways in my brain like any other addict and that's why we crave smokes for up to eight, nine years after quitting. (Don't quote me) but I think they're the ones in your pleasure center, the ones that buzz with activity when you indulge in weed (or any other mood altering drug)
I used Wellbutrin for about a year and that really helped! It's not an SSRI per se (seritonin reuptake inhibitors) but rather it is a dopamine reuptake inhibitor. There is also Champix, but I have heard that one is expensive.
I agree acupuncture would help, as would a physical activity. My husband agreed to have sex whenever I got too grumpy...
Start smoking pot.
i'm glad you're quitting. smoking is so disgusting.
You need to get one of those 30 lb. workout bags and go fucking Caveman on that thing once or twice or 17 times a day. Just pound away until your fists are the size of catchers mits.
But, what do I know. I'm still a Slave to those 20 little bastards.
I wish you all the Patience in the world. I've watched friends kick heroin and not have it in them to quit smoking.
War against drugs.....shit.
The war against drugs is funded by the Alcohol and Tobacco commissions. It's not what drug your strung out on they care about as much as Whos.
I could go for a photo scavenger hunt, they sound fun!
Have you tried just talking to someone? As in, a counselor that specializes in addiction? Since you don't want to use the patch or anything but also don't want to lose your marbles in front of LB/Cole, that one might be a winner.
"@ Black Hockey- Running? You must be in such good shape. I am afraid to run, because I am so OCD that I would take off like ol' Forest Gump and run across the country 10 or 12 times. I will try it, I need to lose the weight anyway."
you will try it!?!?!
Obama quit, so can you.
I can't help on the smoking thing as I've never been a smoker...but if you can tell me how to quit binge eating, I'll be your forever friend.
For reals though, the only thing I can think that could help you with your rage is just driving out to an empty place and scream a few times until your head hurts. I've done it a few times and yeah it sounds crazy, but it does help some.
I quit cold turkey about 11 months ago. Fucking sucked. There was a week there where I wouldn't shut up to my friends about how much I wanted a cigarette. It got a little bit easier when I realized why I wanted a cigarette.
Like all addictions, there's a reason why we smoke beyond the nicotine addiction. For me it was because I was anxious in social situations. Couldn't talk to people without putting a mask of smoke between us. Once I realized that I was smoking because I was being an insecure baby it made things a little bit easier. And I got a little bit more confident in said social situations too. I still have cravings (probably always will), but only during those nervous moments when meeting new people or talking to a girl I'm interested in. Now I just tell myself to act like a goddamn man and everything will be okay.
Once you figure out the root of the problem, it makes it a little easier to fight.
You could just make love to Cole (based totally on previous posting). I think that would take away a lot of the tension for you both!
Or
Lick an ashtray.
Best of luck, Ryan. You're on the right path. Remember nothing worth having is easy.
My friend used dum-dum lollipops as the 'oral fixation' replacement.
You'll be past the 'rampage' stage soon!
I admire that you keep on trying in the face of temptation. I wish you could quit smoking like I quit candy. Nope, the desire still hasn't come back. I looked at a bowl of Hershey and Snickers at my Mom's today and felt absolutely nothing. Weird. Next Lent I'm giving up potato chips just to see what happens.
My Mum tried to quit eleventy billion times too (she was a teenage smoker and continued to smoke until after I was born so she was in her 30s). And then one day her friend, a heavy smoker with a constant cough, had the stomach flu and choked on her vomit while coughing leaving two small children without a Mum. Brutal story I know but my Mum hasn't had a cigarette since although she says if she had one she would be addicted in a second even though it has been 30 years. (I'm only saying this b/c you said if you don't quit you won't get to see your kids grow up and it is entirely possible). Thanks for sharing and being so honest with us.
I second the running thing...
I have not replaced an addiction to smoking with an addiction to running, but when I run or otherwise work out (outdoors is best) and take fresh air deep into my lungs, I remember how when I smoke I never feel the air go right to the bases of my lungs. It feels good. On days that I run, I don't smoke at all or feel a need to. Days that I don't run I can't say the same.
Gees. I wish you luck. I am the same way about losing weight. Dieting makes me crazy.
I quit when we moved to California b/c it was such a pain in the ass to actually smoke anywhere. I used the patch and it helped more than I'd like to admit. Who knows, it might help you with your 'episodes' if you introduce a little nicotine back into the old bloodstream. :)Regardless of how you end up doing it congrats on taking that path.
Take a standing punching bag to the airport. As the planes come in... scream and fight like a viking. : D
I'm not going to be much help. The only thing that got me to quit smoking was I got knocked up.
Quit the day I found out I was pregnant. Had the same rage thing for weeks. All I know is this, if I have another one again it's got me. I will fall right back in love. So...I can't. Plain and simple. I found eating anything sweet and gaining weight to be a fun distraction. sigh...
"Impregnated" made me giggle too.
Best of luck... it's a hard battle (I'm told) but it sounds like you have the best reasons behind you to quit.
i took the chickenshit way out and used the patch. but when a craving gets really bad i "smoke" through a straw...you know, just deep, slow breaths like when you're smoking. you look like a total tool, so don't do it in public, but it actually does help with the rage.
I quit a week ago. Its tough. So far the only downside is im chewing my lip off and my leg wont stop bouncing like a meth-head when im sitting for a while...
I like all of the 'replace it with suckers' Then we would have to deal with your teeth rotting out. lol
My dad chews a LOT of gum since he gave up smoking when I ten.
Firstly, congrats on quitting. I finally kicked the habit on April 1st, and yes..I've been a bitch, but a healthier one.
One of the biggest reasons you should quit- my husband got bladder cancer 4 yrs ago. His urologist told him that if he doesn't quit, he will die. My husband was a two pack a day smoker, lighting one, while one burned in the ashtray. Just like that, he went home, threw them out, and never lit another. We went for his appt again today, 13 months cancer free. Thank god for our urologist! Why I didn't quit then? Well, I used the old excuse, Stress, which is so easy, isn't it?
Any ways, I'm proud of you to do that. I found that using coffee stirrers to put in my mouth, during that "urge", really helps me get over it. After a few minutes, it's nothing to it. Keep up the good work!
A bunch of boy scouts all lighting up. LOL!!! Naughty! Naughty!
I started smoking at 16, to be cool like everyone else. I smoked for 20 years, through 3 pregnancies. Yes I did, and I had BIG babies too!
When my youngest was 1, I quit with my husband for New Year resolution. I am proud to say I have not touched a cigarette since! It has been 17 years, 4 months, and 4 weeks since I lit up (but who's counting?)
I quit cold turkey. Chewed a lot of gum. I also gained 30 pounds.
I treat cigarettes like an alcoholic treats booze. If I have 1 cigarette, I'll be buying a pack before the day is out. So I don't dare!
I knew a fellow who tried the patch. He said the only way that patch would ever work is if he put it on his mouth!
My mom smokes, and she has smoked since she was 15, shes 52 now. She tried some pill & she said it gave her nightmares & all this other stuff, so I'm not sure what she'll do now! I'm still a kid, only 16 & I probably have the lungs of an every day smoker because she smoked in the house, car, etc.
I just hope you keep up the good work because I hated, HATED seeing my mom smoke. I'm scared for her every day. So pick up something like running instead of another bad habit, like gum chewing.
do not try chantix!!! my fiance' almost had me committed. it was a way scary ride. hang on in there...best wishes. i know it is such a battle. one i am still going through.
read this book!!!!
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Allen-Carrs-Easy-Stop-Smoking/dp/0140277633
I promise I don't work for them. But a bunch of friends over here (australia) have quit using this, incl. me... it's infamous in our little town. It addresses all the psychology behind smoking instead of just trying to freak you out... and it works... I swear (again.. not on the payroll!)
Believe it or not. Apples. They can help a lot. They have Pectin in them, which makes the brain think it's getting Nicotine. They also help clean your lungs. And they taste good. Unless you hate apples.
Okay so no patches. You hate them. I get it. My husband was a smoker for most of his life and even when he had our first kid, it wasn't enough for him to quit.
From a woman who has stood by and watched the man she loves smoke away and cough away and spew away I can say it sucks ass when someone you love smokes. Especially when you have a precious perfectly clean newborn in the picture.
Three kids later and somewhere along the way, my man got his mind around the fact that he did not want to be a smoker anymore. Just like you have. That's the big step. All of the other shit doesn't work if you don't have that. I even remember in our 20's when I took him to some weird clinic and he got some shots in his HEAD and he passed out for like a day - he tried everything.
But the mind coupled with using the patches in the RIGHT way, he did it. He really really did it. It's been like four years now and it's awesome.
Hang in there. I know you will do it this time.
I can't think of anything nice to say so i'll leave it at I'm glad you are quittng.
Congrats for quitting! My mom smoked for ages, but eventually traded cigarettes for Dr Pepper... I swear, the woman has about two cans a day. It's not exactly healthy, but at least she doesn't come home reeking of smoke or coughing up a damn lung anymore.
Ya know what is strange. I have never coughed from smoking. Not at night. Not in the morning. Not in the shower. Not ever. I have never spit up any gross stuff. I just don't cough. Is this a good thing? Being a paranoid person I lean towards thinking it is just so jammed with tar that I can't cough. I do tend to get out of breath just from getting up to walk to the bathroom. Is that bad?
All of the comments have been great today. I really like the apple idea. I drink Pectin everyday mixed in with some cranberry juice. Well I try and do it everyday I should say. Getting better about it lately.
But yes! the comments. Fucking wonderful suggestions and feedback and thank for the cheerleading to keep it up. I just want to stop feeling angry.
Which makes me so angry that I'm this angry. It is a real Fat Bastard cycle.
love :)
Start running, as in sign up for a 5 mile race or something. The lung ache is pretty gross at first, but it helps drive home the damage you're doing to your lungs. It's so rewarding when the ache finally goes away.
Or yoga! That would help with the rage for sure, and how to keep in a calm, meditative state when dealing with stress.
Chin up! This will all pass.
Two words of advice: pull root!
I quit smoking a long time ago cold turkey just because I got sick from smoking too much in one day. I got nauseated and I could feel my blood pressure going down.. I crave it once in a while especially when I am out drinking.
I've seen in a movie Sandra Bullock making ORIGAMI like crazy while going through withdrawl - or was it chewing gum wrapping paper. I forget...
Quitting might be easy, but staying not to smoke will be the toughest at least for a while... Good luck and sorry I couldn't give you any good advise.
bryan adams so went to high school 5 minutes from where i live. hi.larious. loved it. 1984(?) all over again. god grade 7 sucked.
and sorry, no advice for quitting the dirties; i got hypnotized which (chuckle) works really well. except i now smoke again, after thinking i could foolishly 'have one here and there' after a while. so yah. it did make them change taste though...
i will totally send you my cover songs as they are the only songs in which i am in key! and it's awesome to read about how vulnerable you feel while you're trying to make this necessary transition! good luck dude!
I'm going to second (or third) the lollipop suggestion. I quit cold turkey about 3 years ago now and they really did help.
Now, the only time I ever really, really crave them now is when I'm drinking. I think avoiding that helps, too.
Good luck. I think your motivational technique is a strong one.
You have some pretty kick ass talented friends I'm sure you know. The cover's great!
I don't have any advice on the smoking since I've only had maybe a dozen cigarettes in my 25 years. Never really picked up on the habit. But I'm rooting for you!
I find that the best thing for temper, mood swings and rage is exercise. Nothing like pounding the pavement or pumping some iron or kicking a football (yeah soccer ball is football to me) or throwing a pig skin if that's your thing.
Just go out and get your blood flowing, release the endorphins and feel better - promise!
Even if it's just a ten minute run cause that's all you can find the time for - go! breathe. get tired. feel it burn.
Or throw some punches - AT A BAG!!
Hope you walk back in the house slightly more relaxed.
I've never smoked (thank god) but have tried all kinds of tactics to get my mom to quit. None have worked and it makes me resent her because I know one day I will probably be taking care of her when she has cancer or Emphysema or whatever else those awful things cause. Remind yourself that you do not want to leave that burden for your children everytime you get the urge. Also remind yourself that your kids are more likely to smoke if they see you doing it. I hope this helps a little bit. Good luck and stay strong!
Hi, I'm new but I really enjoy peeking into this little window of your lives.
First of all, CONGRATS on making it this far. Quitting smoking is so unbelievably hard. And for me, that was my motivation in 'staying quit'. I smoked for 8 years, off and on, and by the time I worked up the balls to quit I was smoking 2 packs a day... easily.
When I quit for the last time, I decided that it was just too hard and that I would NOT give into a craving because then I'd have to go through the whole thing again!
And once you get a substantial amount of time under your belt, a week, 2 weeks, whatever, it's like the minute you pick up a smoke it's all gone. You have to start back at square one, and that is a terrible feeling. I've not smoked for almost 10 months now... am pregnant... and I still have cravings sometimes. They don't go away, but fighting them does get much easier.
You really are doing a fantastic thing for yourself and your family by quitting, even if it turns you into a monster for awhile... that will pass. Congratulations and keep up!
OH! And try this:
Whenever you have the urge to smoke, or are just feeling angry, inhale deeply through the nose and hold the breath as long as is comfortable. Exhale through the nose, then repeat. Repeat this breathing cycle 7-15 times a day.
So many people substitute the 'deep breaths' they take when they take a drag of a cigarette for actual deep breaths chock full of oxygen. So just breath deeply! And holding the breath in is a technique we use to quell desires.
I am a yoga teacher and I recommend this to my students who are quitting. ... the comment about try yoga sparked my memory. ;) Good luck!
wow on that. go rage!! with rage like that coursing through your veins, you write with brilliance!!
i especially loved the thought of your high school assembly with old smoker. i would love front row seats to that!!
my parents both smoked. i sucked in second hand smoke for 18 years (and yes, my parents are the ones who smoked in the car with all the windows rolled up. makes me curse just thinking of the puke-inducing feeling knowing that after i heard the zippo lighter snap shut, i would have only about 1 1/2 more good breaths of air to breathe.)
they finally quit. but not until their mid sixties. five years after quitting my dad died of a massive heart attack in his sleep (more than likely as a result of abusing cigs for more than 50 years) and my mom died shortly thereafter of lung cancer.
you are so smart to quit.
and you nailed the teenage smoker routine.
For motivation to stick to it, you can spend a day with my stepdad. A lifetime of addiction has caught up to him. He used to manage over 1M sq. ft. of an expo center, on his feet all day, working our 7 acres of "backyard" every evening and playing 18 holes of golf on Saturdays (his passion). Now he has to ride a scooter (think medical not Vespa) to the mailbox 100 ft. from the front door. He suffers from Emphysema and COPD and is on oxygen 24/7 in addition to multiple daily breathing treatments. He has developed Agoraphobia, terrified to leave the house convinced he will run out of oxygen in his portable tank and die. No exaggeration. This transformation happened rapidly. BAM! Hardworking badass to feeble in less than a year.
He's 67. He should be enjoying retirement with my mother and running away to Florida for months at a time, returning home with Blublockers and strappy sandal tanlines. Although he's not my father, he IS my daddy. It breaks my heart to watch him struggle for breath. Equally painful is watching my mother fall apart at the seams. She teeter-totters on the edge of losing it on a daily basis and I pray as hard as a non-religious can that he will be in my wedding should I get married. I'd much rather have him there than a candle in his place.
I keep coming back to this post to listen to Cuts Like a Knife over and over. I love it.
As you already know, my quit day was shortly after yours and I too, still have not had a cigarette. I can totally flippin relate to this entire post. I understand the losing your temper over stupid shit. I understand feeling phychotic and like your blood is boiling. Sometimes, I don't feel like myself...like I am the same person. Seriously, there are times I want a fucking cigarette so bad that I feel like I am going to come out of my skin.
I smoked a lot. I smoked to deal with the stresses in my life. I smoked when I was happy or sad or angery and now that I have lost that tool I feel lost. I am working on learning how to live without smoking and it's harder than shit. I too, don't want to substitute something else for this addiction.
In researching quitting, I read that the average person can gain 21 lbs even without eating more, just by quitting...and that those that ate for something to do or because in quitting you have more of an appetite, that you can double or triple that number. Holy shit. That scared the hell out of me so I started really eating healthy and working out really hard the first day that I quit. So now instead of getting up and drinking coffee and smoking(which was one of my favorite times to smoke)I work out instead. In the evenings, when my husband is home, if I feel the urge to smoke(which is most of the time) I go out for a speed walk.
I already ate pretty healthy and worked out but now I just do those a lot more. I also drink tons of water. I look at pictures of my kids and grandchildren to motivate me. And I remind myself constantly the why's of my quitting and how good it will feel eventually.
Since my husband quit shortly after I did and although he didn't smoke as much as I did, can you imagine how happy our home is on some days? LOL. Not fun.
I'm really proud of you for sticking to it. Good luck!
I found that when I quit for a certain amount of time, I would crave them, and give into the craving. But since it had been a while, it tasted and felt awful! I had this 'perfect cigarette' vision in my head, and giving in once just grossed me out. I thought, 'wow this is the best way to keep away from it. This is disgusting, why did I do this before?' Then I would quit smoking it a quarter of the way through. The problem is I would keep trying to have that perfect cigarette, and bam! I was back to smoking again.
So, while having a hit would remind me of how gross it was, it kinda sucked me back in at the same time.
I can't say how I got through it, I just stayed the course. I still have the cravings, but I just keep telling myself 'I'm a nonsmoker.'
I'manonsmokerI'manonsmokerI'manonsmoker!!
Good luck and stay strong! You are a nonsmoker!!
Is that you singing dude?
I like!!!
Man listening to that cover just lifted my spirits!
I hear you on the smoking man..I still battle with it. I freaking can go weeks without it but then cave sadly...got to keep on trucking
I've heard the third week is the hardest, that's when you're actually getting that last bit of nicotine out of your body so it goes into full ... OH NO I'M GOING TO DIE WITHOUT NICOTINE mode. Keep pushing through it!! Or get a rubberband and snap it on your wrist everytime you get a craving. Or want to smash a building. Your choice!
There is one cigarette left in my pack. I have quit off and on the past decade or so (I picked it up after I turned 21).
I considered smokeless cigarettes. I got to try one at a convention (it was red bull flavored) and it was .. eyebrow-raising. In a good way. I would have gotten the setup but I never have smoked enough to warrant paying a large amount for a replacement.
Good luck to you!
BHJ sent me over and well I quit smoking by breathing. No really have you ever done a complete and total inhale of the cig smoke. Belly expanding inhales for each and every puff you take on that cigarette. Don't do any of that short shallow shitty breathing. Fill yourself up with that smoke.
Smoke it like you mean it. Then do those same inhales for one cigarette a day minus the cigarette until you don't smoke any more cigarettes you just breath DEEP.
You'll get addicted to breathing like that and your body will slowly get used to not having the nicotine when you breath like that.
It works, although I did backslide for one pack last summer. I got stressed and stopped breathing deep, as soon as I did, I was done again.
Oh and about scaring yourself into smoking, yeah you're gonna die when you die even if you are a two pack a day smoker. Your quality of life is gonna suck but you don't die before your exact time. That I truly believe. It's not a popular belief by any means though.
I'm late to the Panic Room party, but saw a link to you via another blog, and have been catching up with you all afternoon. Beautiful writing, gorgeous photography. Glad I found you.
Your quitting smoking rage post totally made my day...I quit cold-turkey on June 8, and have been experiencing some inexplicable bouts of rage. I was prepared for irritability, but these caught me off guard. They seem to come from nowhere, and I feel completely powerless to make it better; I just have to wait it out, and sequester myself from people, esp. those I love. Crazy stuff. It's nice to know I'm not the only one with a withdrawal demon.
Cheers and happy 4th (no foam We're #1 hands here either).
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