Slap Fighting the Pink Posse
Keeping the gender of our baby a surprise was equally as agitating and painful as kicking my monumentally stupid smoking habit that I had. Just like the nicotine urges, there were days when I would want to cave in and know the gender so bad that I would try and get Cole curious in the hopes that maybe she would just say FUCK IT... let's call right now and find out what this thing is! For whatever cruel reason the ultra sound tech that we went to wrote the gender of the baby down, and actually sent it along in her report to our midwife. The tech seemed almost annoyed we didn't want to know the sex, and when we asked her to "please not mention anything about it." She responded as if we had robbed her of her favorite part of the job, the part when she gets to reveal to excited parents what the sex of their baby is. So the fact that she sent it along as an aside, on paper, to our midwife, felt psychotic! Like it was her last ditch effort to be the one to tell us. Now of course I know that's ridiculous, but I invented that scenario in my head to make her a villain so I had someone to blame for the torture of having this scrap of paper revealing our baby's sex sealed in an envelope and clipped to our chart that would stare us in the face with every visit. I can't believe the number of times I wanted to buckle and rip into that envelope, and just know. But not knowing turned out to be incredible, and if we ever have another child, I would do it the same, minus the envelope of course.
People have asked, "what's so incredible about not knowing? It seems stupid not to be prepared." and I would always follow that up with, "prepared for what?" and the closest thing I ever received as an answer (beyond dying from curiosity), was so that we knew what color of clothes to buy for the child. Really!? Now, I promise I don't mean this in any nasty offensive mean-spirited way, but that's a pretty fucking stupid reason for finding out the sex of the baby. Honestly. But hey- that's just me. I know that it's vitally important to some people, and we are all different kinds of crazy and neurotic so I'm not judging anyone's brand of lunacy, just laying mine out there and stating that I thought it was kind of absurd. What it did do, was get me thinking, and opened up many a discussion about gender roles and all of the things that we did not want to do to this baby, whether it be a boy or a girl. We started a kind of mental punch list of things that we would not project onto the baby, specifically Cole and I really opened up about how we felt about everything from the wearing of pink on girls - to boys being given footballs and jerseys before they could even hold their heads up. And it was made very clear how I felt about dressing little baby girls in ridiculous frilly foo-foo fairy princess clothes. I flat out forbid it. I don't want it in our house, I do not want her to ever think that she is supposed to wear these things or she is weird. I am quite aware as she gets older, and develops tastes, and wants, and interests of her own that I will most likely have to endure some type of fairy princess phase, and I am fine with that. I will shower her with whatever kind of ridiculous play or fantasy that she wants to engage in. However just like I wont be cramming religion down her throat when she's 2, I'm not filling her room with lace and fluff and painting the walls pink until the days comes that she requests it. How will I know, she might ask for it to be painted sweet pickle green... I don't know what her favorite color is. As soon as she has been introduced to all 164 colors in the crayola creativity center and picks one out, we can start planning wall colors and getting a few extra outfits that compliment her cravings. Is that a dumb idea?
So if the argument is that it doesn't matter to babies and I am over thinking, that they are JUST babies, that all of the pink and lace and dresses will not affect her, then who is all of that for? Is it for the parents? A little living dress up doll? Or is that we have to delineate the sex of our babies to one another by the badges of pink and blue so nobody gets offended or uncomfortable. When Tessa is wrapped up in her blue blanket she still looks like a baby girl to me. Is it really confusing to everyone else? I am not anti-pink. I am just anti-pink as a uniform. And I would like to hold off on dressing her up like she is heading off to Cotillion before she can crawl.
I'm not saying that I am going to plop down that giant box of crayons and then slyly slide that pink one out of the box and hide it from her. This little girl will certainly crawl around in some pink duds. All I've been asking for is some variety. And it is being met with shame. Does this make me a lunatic? I'm okay if it does. Do you think it matters at all? I recently read about a Swedish couple that have hidden the gender of their baby from the world, and have gone as far as not using any personal pronouns when referring to their child-- they just call it "Pop." It is a fascinating read, and the comment section lunges from lynch mob to level headed gender debate. So I had my extreme side of my questions, and went looking for more. I was thrilled to find this recent entry over at Sweet Juniper about a fairy princess encounter, which led me to this entry, and it felt good to know I wasn't the only Dad that worried about these kinds of things in the world of girls. Being a man and caring deeply about your family and children in some circles is still looked at with a squinty eye, and a kind of what the fuck is this guys deal thing that I just don't understand. I know it's old school to not give a shit about your kids, and complain about your wife, but I am happy to be a part of a new generation of dudes. Like these guys here.
All of these plans and ideas for the baby were logical and sound while discussing this one-on-one with Cole before Tessa was born. We were making 'our" plans and they made sense to us. The rude awakening occurs when all of the sudden there is this brand new little girl in the world and the people around you just want to get fucking crazy on some pink purchases and smother this little girl in "little girl" things. My voice and wants become absurd and unheard of, crazy and pointless, and it surprises me at how little people just don't respect our beliefs or worries, and just shrug it off and say, "but she's a girl." I am very aware of this fact, many a diapers have been changed in this house since the birth of our daughter. I am reminded of this fact every time she squirts the mustard mix in her diaper and makes that crazy OHHHH face to let us know she just made a mess. We do have a little girl and for 9 months we made preparations and thought about how awesome it was going to be to have a baby. Not in terms of boys and girls, just a little human and we were sure to get things ready to support and nurture one. All of this to say that I don't understand why people (and when I say "people" I mean nobody here, I mean family and friends) think it is crazy that I care for her to find her own place. Do you tell your little girls that they aren't supposed to play with cars or dinosaurs, and hand them dolls? What's the deal with that? Where is the world view on these types of things? How far have we gotten? I know it's insulting to assume a girl will grow up to be a librarian, or a nurse, or a secretary. Now they can be everything from a web cam whore to seeking the highest political office of the land and everything in between, there are no more limits, but look how long it took to get there. In 20-30-50 years will it be hilarious that we used to dump our baby girls in pink and flowers? Or is it just always going to be like this? Just working it all out. Thanks for reading.
All the Love in the Universe ~ Me
P.S. I can't tell you how much fun it has been to read the comments of the last post, a giant big thanks to everyone that left a comment and got in on the action. What a great collection to go back to and laugh about. I said this in the comments but I will say it here, I really think it would be awesome for Myth Busters to do a baby episode based off of all of these great grandma pregnancy taboos. Imagine those dudes shaving babies heads?! What fun.
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154 comments:
Maybe they're just trying to break you down now in preparation for the fairy princess phase she may (or may not) go through in a few years? Or in preparation for adolescence? Or...?
I think our biggest fight is going to be toys (I've already given up on the pink and blue and flowers and footballs, sigh). We have so many hand-me-down toys that we really do not need or want people to buy toys. Donate to a kid's charity, buy books, put money away for our kid's college education, whatever, but enough with the freaking toys.
Yeah. I'll let you know how that goes at the one-year birthday party...
P.S. I hope you don't mind, but I linked you on my site today. I know some people don't like to be linked in a post unless they have prior knowledge of it, but I don't get the impression you're one of those people, so just so you know, that's that =)
When I had my little girl, I totally embraced the pink.. within limits. Sure, the frills and stuff are nice for a while, but it gets dull pretty quick. I've always liked to dress my girl in purple more than pink, and my favourite of her clothes are reds and greens and blues. I love the more vibrant colours and I'd say that a good 6 days out of 7, I'd put her in something colourful. That yucky pale anaemic pink gets on my nerves.
That said, she found the pink all by herself just after her first birthday, chooses dresses for herself all the time, carts around a dolly that she calls 'baby' and brings me scrunchies to do her hair with. Just as her brother loves dirt and crud and became obsessed with Thomas The Tank Engine without even seeing a single episode... there are some things we can't fight. But Jake also had a dolly, when he was a baby, and Bel plays with his cars. *shrug*
I say embrace the pink... but just make it hot neon, with polka dots, paired with a rockin pair of baby jeans, and stick her hair in a mohawk too ;o)
Amen!
When my daughter was born I felt the same way about those frilly outfits. Not only are they ugly and a little too "gender specific", they look uncomfortable!
In addition, I feel bad for newborn girls with those horrid elastic headbands, or what I call "brain crushers".
It sounds like you're going about things the right way. By right, I'm not saying that anyone else's way is wrong, mind you. I just find it important as a parent to let kids make their own decisions about their personal preferences when they're ready. As for now, it won't matter if she's decked out in pink or blue or split pea Exorcist puke green. Later she will (Oh yes, she WILL) show a preference to some favorites and and Cole are open to with the flow, and at the bottom line, that's what's important.
I had a boy and a girl at the same time, then a singleton boy and later a singleton girl. The twins were exposed to both girl things and boy things. Kyra started showing an interest in princess dress-up stuff around age two and Jaiden ran around the house playing his Cinderella to her Snow White. The two of them, brother and sister dressed to the nines in their (gawdawful) princess dresses would then sit and play with Tonka trucks.
My girls go their own way (the boys too, but since is this the subject of daughters...). They paint each others' nails then go clobber boys in rough wrestling matches in the playroom. They'd kick ass just the same whether they were in pink from head to foot or not. :)
It is simply amazaing to welcome a new life on this planet - it doesn't matter if it's your kid or not. I find it breath taking.
She is SO beautiful and I'm glad she is healthy....
The country where I am from (Japan), majority of people don't find out about the sex of the baby in the tummy - it was a great shock when I moved here because it seems most people wanted to find out. I thought "no way" - but you know what? I couldn't wait to find out mine when I got pregnant!
Congratulations again to both you and your wife... She is an angel. Now your should catch up on zzzz time:)
I think waiting to find out about the sex of the baby is one of the last remaining surprises in this world, and I agree with your decision. Besides, babies only wear those onesies for the first months anyway, right?
I fall on the more traditional style side of girls clothing but while I love pink I am more than happy to buy mint green, yellow, pretty blues and other colors as long as they are well executed and not brash for my boyfriends niece. I'm kind of funny about colors and kids clothes. I love the tradition of soft cotton summer dresses on little girls and Jon jons on little boys. I don't fight the color battle so much as the style battle. :-)
I do draw the line at the stiff, scratchy dresses. And wince everytime I see a girl in those ugly ass headbands. Especially the ones with the HUGE flowers on them that look like there is a tumor coming out of their head. Totally do not get that...
I would saw that my boyfriends sister in law was someone who fought the more traditional look and colors that come with having a girl. However, at almost two she has been overturned by her daughter. She loves pink and loves to choose her clothes/shoes. I really do believe that babies do kind of come out pre-wired to like certain thing.
based on almost everything i learned in various sociology classes about marriage and family and gender and sex, i can say with scholastic verity that you guys are awesome parents and have an awesome family already. i know you already knew that, but i mean.. i learned this stuff in college. so you know it's legit.
Just wait, just you wait...today it is lacy, frilly, pink, girl like clothing....and then next thing you know, the same "people" will be the ones that think your beautiful daughter needs clothing, toys, and accessories with Disney Princesses on it or other TV/Cartoon characters she has NO clue about. What part do folks not understand that the child is an extension of me and I don't go to work everyday with a T-shirt on that proclaims how much I adore watching True Blood - nor do I think my husband would appreciate it if I started wearing footed PJ's with Dora's glow in the dark face on it to bed at night. Come on people!!! Get with the program....Our children are their own little person, not a freakin' billboard for Disney or Noggin!!?!?!?!?
Wow...sorry about that bit of a rant - not sure where that came from - but, clearly you see I, have the same issue.
Welcome to Parenthood! =)Enjoy the journey!
when my daughter was born she looked so gorgeous in blue that i couldn't help but dress her in it! & my mom would get so irritated with me because my daughter lived in onesies for the first few months of her life (but she was born in june in texas...anything else was just too hot & uncumfortable looking!)we did get a ton of dresses from friends and family...most of which i have two years later donated with tags still attached...i just didn't think they were practical for a little baby and didn't have many occasions to wear them...they were pretty and all, but within minutes my girl would have spit up or pooped all over them...
and i have to admit, that i love having a little rough and tough two year old girl...but she still insists on "lips" (lipgloss) and dragging her purse full of ponies and cars everywhere we go...kids are so funny!
I have to agree with not only you (on pretty much all counts) but @Alllebasii too. I hate, hate, hate those headband things. Ok, you want your baby to immediately be ID'd as a girl (why exactly is it that the parents get offended when a stranger accidentally takes a little bald non sex identifying baby to be one sex when it is the other? I have never gotten an answer to that) then put a little dress/pink on and go with it. But don't put that stupid headband on, it most likely is NOT comfortable, especially on a soft little skull that's still growing and sensitive.
Rant aside, my mom couldn't even get me in a skirt until it was obligatory at my school (4th grade as I traumatically recall), I was given fishing poles and hot pink cars on my birthday, b/c that's what I wished for. Didn't even get boobs until I was 18...and today I'm no different from any of my other women friends...for that matter, I'd be happy to hand over the knockers that never seemed to stop growing! I can defintely say the grass was greener way back when ;p I'm happy in a cocktail dress and heels with makeup, and even happier in my baseball cap, bright yellow crocs, my hubby's camo pocket shorts & a comfy t. Moral of my thesis, my Mom allowed us to be who we wanted, and boy am I happy! (having said that, allow me to express my inner disdain at what I see some little girls running around in today--hoochie-mama'esque outfits that somehow bring Britney to mind....maybe I'm getting old, but it just doesn't strike right with me...thus why I keep it to myself--unless I'm commenting on a blog of course!)
BTW, I recall years ago watching an absolutely fascinating documentary done on the treatment by adults of infants--if they thought they were girls one way & if they thought boys another. The video footage was remarkable (same babies were dressed differently). It was about gender assignment/association and whether it is nurture or nature. There was included the study of kids who had genetic issues that required gender selection. Absolutely fascinatin.
Ok. I'll shut up now.
Well my experience kind of ties in with the last post-'just you wait' style. We found out we were having a girl but kept it to ourselves...I dress almost always in black, I got cowboy boots instead of an engagement ring, I ride a motorbike... I'm hardly a girly girl. But I also love sewing and cooking. I don't like pink, I don't wear it myself, but my main issue with dressing little girls in pink is all of the stereotypical gender baggage that goes with it. I don't deliberately dress her to look like a boy-she just looks like a 7 month old baby. But people all asked if we were going to find out so we could "decorate the nursery in the right colours"(WTF? The walls are white) and buy the "right" clothes (again-huh? I'm not dressing my 7 month old in a skirt.onesies are just fine for someone who spends all their time rolling around on the floor). When I mentioned I wasn't a big fan of the pink thing people act surprised, despite my own lack of "girliness", & seem to think I must be trying to turn my daughter into a boy. ?? Girls rock, I love having a daughter, but I'd just like to try as much as possible to let her own tastes and iterests influence the kind of girl she turns out to be. But all I hear to that is "just you wait til she's 3, all she'll want is pink and Barbies..."
And to that I say fine-but until then I'll enjoy as many relatively pink free years as I can get. And I might just start working on a Biker Barbie outfit on my sewing machine right now.
I L.O.V.E.D this post. I am, in face, de-lurking to comment on it. We didn't find out the sex of our baby either, and some family and friends actually seemed angry with us, and couldn't understand why we would "put ourselves through that". We loved it. There are so few good surprises in life, and it was wonderful for my husband to be given the job of actually going into the waiting room and saying "It's a boy!" Pregnancy is all about mommy, so it was awesome for daddy to have some of the spotlight!
We ended up with a boy, and he is ALL boy. He loves cars and trucks and dead bugs, but also likes to play with dolls and dollhouses. And we're okay with all of it. I say let them choose!!
If we have a girl, I refuse to allow her to wear anything that says the word "Princess". It just rubs me the wrong way.
P.S. Tessa is gorgeous, absolutely gorgeous.
We didn't know with our first child, and it was great because people gave us the STUFF we needed and were too poor to buy. Then when she was born they gave us clothes.
I think your passion is great, and a little funny. Did you ever think you'd get so worked up over unsolicited advice and if people think you are crazy about finding out the sex of the baby?
It's frustrating to be met with that kind of resistance in your own circle of friends and family. We've had to work pretty hard to keep it at bay with our mothers (mostly), so I'm sympathetic to your situation.
A funny anecdote: my son, who is about 2.5, recently discovered my jewelry box. And he loves the sparkles! Who wouldn't?! Neither my husband or I are concerned that this will "turn him gay" or some other bullshit. We did however raise an eyebrow when he tried to drink my perfume.
I'd want to know the sex, I mean you're going to find out eventually, right? It's not going to change anything, so I wouldn't feel a need to wait, but I can understand how someone would. I get the gender stereotype issues, god knows my husband has already banned cheerleading (whores!) and me headbands with stupid bows on a bald baby for our yet-to-be-conceived girl children, but how does pretending the baby is sexless an improvement? Gender exists and is one of the essential facts about our individual humanity, pretending it doesn't exist seems very repressive to me, I'd hate to be the child of those Swedish parents.
Nature vs. nurture is an old debate, and the psychology literature is long and well-documented. Do we, the parents, create gender identity by immersing our child in a stew of pink or blue? Or does the child come equipped with a gender identity on their own, and regardless of what we do to them they are what they are? Theres some pretty freaking unethical studies done in the 60's on transgendered children that pretty clearly supports that gender identity is more genetic than environmental. Its interesting stuff. And its good to know that we won't eternally screw up our child's identity if we dress them in the wrong color.
I think people have an easier time allowing girls to identify with a wide spectrum of gender roles, but people have a much harder time allowing little boys to be feminine. Would you have written the same post about dressing LB in pink ruffles if thats what he wanted? You guys are awesome, so I think you would respect his choices whatever they are.
I agree with Sarah. I am so sick of plastic stuff. My new philosophy is that toys should be made of wood or cloth, and not plastic. Thank God for Etsy.
We just found out that we're having a girl (too impatient to wait until the birth) and I was horrified by the number of our friends and family whose first reaction was literally: "blah blah PINK STUFF blah blah".
I assumed that they knew us better than that. I was wrong.
Thankfully, several friends with little boys have promised us hand-me-downs, so we should be able to dilute the pink flood when the time comes.
Ann-Michelle- DAMMIT! ya know writing about LB would have been a good thing to include with this thought. He very much marches to his own drum and gravitates towards cooking toys and play kitchens, and loves Dora. He is happier in the girls section of a toy store right now, but has very recently fallen in love with anything that roars. LB has struggled developmentally for so long that I think he just really moved toward things that he could conquer, he has no worries about what is too girlish to play with, if he is into something he is into it and we go along for that ride. This is a whole other post. But to answer your question LB does what he wants, I took a picture of it to prove it once...
http://pacingthepanicroom.blogspot.com/2009/05/we-call-big-one-defiance.html
totally all for the parents. my WHOLE life my favorite color, hands down, has been blue. my mom was not having it... she's pretty girly. i was always in pink, my room was a cotton candy nightmare. i even had strawberry shortcake wallpaper. don't get me wrong, i loved me some strawberry shortcake, but rainbow brite was more my speed. i remember being a kid and hating that i didn't have an option. i didn't know how to express it at the time, but it felt like my opinion didn't matter. as a result, i can't tell you how much i can't stand pink. it even makes my stomach turn when i see other people wear it. i think it's safe to say that, for me, it's up there with brangelina, the oil companies, and sarah palin. i have decided that as infants, my children will wear white, only. the mister thinks this is so communist of me, but i feel, that it will really give them the chance to discover what they like best for themselves. and once i see that they are gravitating towards those colors/styles, then that's the direction i'll go in with them. so whether i get a girl that wants to rock some overalls, or one who wants to rock a tutu, so be it. i just think you can't tell your kids who they are... they've got to figure that one out on their own.
I was all about pink and girly stuff with Eva, but not "froufy frilly" stuff. My goal has always to get her to be a self-confident individual and a strong woman who isn't bogged down by weirdo typical "female" insecurities.
When I found out we were having a boy, I felt really lost. I don't want him bogged down by typical gender issues and roles either, but I'm also not interested in him being the boy who gets mercilessly teased for liking pink and cooking or whatever.
When I put the nix on people getting him sports/cars/etc type things, people got ugly. I endured for my parents and inlaws sake (they have loves of football, racing, and baseball) but the buck stops there.
Eva does love pink, but she also loves pretty much every color in the rainbow. Her collection of toys ranges from barbies to dinosaurs and racing cars to just about every art supply on the face of the planet.
People need to get some darned manners. I know I wax poetic on my blog about my own insane opinions, but that doesn't mean I force them on anyone, I just sorta throw it all out there. I imagne that if people cared more about raising individuals with common sense and manners rather than "typical" boys and girls, we'd all be in a much better place.
This totally reminded me of an episode from "The Office" when a woman brings her baby in to meet coworkers. The baby, about 3 months, is dressed in a pale pink onesie and Pam comments, "What an adorable little girl!" to which the mother replies, "He's a boy!". Pam comments, but he's wearing pink... to which mom says, "yea, that's his favorite color!"
I wish my own mother had been as free-thinking as you.
As soon as I was born I was thrown into pink clothing and a pink-painted room with pink carpet, pink drapes, pink bedding, you get the idea. I had 2 older brothers, so as I got older I leaned towards their toys. I was told that "girls don't play with He-Man" and was bought Barbies. I hacked their hair off.
I quickly hated dresses, pink and anything girly so I rebelled. By the time I hit middle school I was a full-fledged tom boy wearing my brothers' hand-me-downs and spending my time playing with boys and riding bikes over rocks and down hills, skinning knees and having dirt permanently under my nails.
Now that I'm in my 20s I've grown up and I like to think I've hit a happy medium (I call it just being me, haha). But I wonder if I would have rebelled in the first place had my mother not thrust so much femininity at me early on...
I totally agree with Octohawk. People who take issue with your parenting need to get a freaking education or perhaps some common sense. Gender is a performance, not some magical or heavenly mandate. It's socially constructed to keep the dominant ideology and hierarchy in place.
I think it's totally cool if someone wants to do the typical gender thing. Hey, I love to wear skirts all the time. But it's important to let choice and open discussion be a part of that process, and that's exactly what you're doing and it's f*ing awesome.
I have been reading this blog for awhile now, and I've been so excited about this little baby. You guys really inspire me and it's good to know that there are some people out there starting families without falling into the usual traps. I want to get all gushy about what you've got going here, but I'll just say this. Rock on.
she is so beautiful!
I know what you are saying.
:S when I was little I was a big tomboy, I grew up playing with my brother. I longed for a remote control car...and most of his toys... but I was embarraced to ask for boy toys because even thou I was little, I knew I would be judged.
I liked girl toys too thou. I once got a doll and I liked it.
My dad would tell me to go play with the girls when I wanted to play soccer with him and the boys. It made me nauseous and it still does.
I think it would have less frustrating if they let me play with whatever I wanted.
I don´t like over girly women, I want to slap em. being feminine is not about being week...or pink.
Sorry for the long comment. I had to get it all out.
I HATE baby headbands. They look completely ridiculous and that was one trend I managed to avoid.
I seriously hated the color pink for my entire life....until my 3rd child (and then my 4th child, too) turned out to be a girl. (PS...I have no self control and no ability to delay gratification, so we found out the baby's sex at our 20 week sonogram.) I drove from the sonogram place to the nearest store and bought 2 of the tiniest, PINKest, sweetest sleepers I could find. That went on until she was about 18 months old and discovered that the backyard was an AWESOME place to hang out with her brothers. Now, at 3 yrs. old, all of her pants are denim, brown, navy blue, or black because those colors are great at hiding the dirt stains that come from a great Mud Pie Making session. A couple days ago, as a matter of fact, my little one (2 yrs. old) put on her Pintheth (Princess) tutu and then went into the backyard to dig a hole with one of my kitchen spoons. They seem to be a good mix of girly and and tomboy.
PS....Thoughtful gift-givers generally include gift receipts with their packages. I frequently took advantage of that to return items that were ugly, uncomfortable-looking, ridiculous, or redundant (do I seriously need 25 outfits in the 3-6month size range?!) And I refused to feel guilty about it.
I grew up the oldest follewed by four boys and did not get a sister until I was 13. I was not really a girly girl and with the exception of wearing a dress to church never really wore them. I played with He-man action figures but not She-ra she seemed kind of like an after thought. I had GI Joes and shared with my brothers. I had no use for baby dolls but did have a punky brewster doll. My brothers had dolls and we shared a collection of Cabbage Patch kids but never used them as babie dolls more as I would guess you would use barbies (those were banned in our house)to act out scences. My parents were quite easy going about the whole thing if I wanted to go around playing He-man okay if my brother wanted to push around a baby doll in a pram good for him. My mother actually chewed her father out when he took a baby doll away from my brother because he didn't think he should play with it.
The girl who never wore dresses as a child of her own choosing practically lives in them now because she finds them more comfortable. If my little girl wants to play with Thomas the tank she is just as welcome as her brother will be to play with a babie doll and any one who wants to tell me this is bad can bite me.
I don't plan on buying any pink or blue for the first year or so because I know how friends an family are once they find out the sex. I think a nice range of yellow, green, and orange will do just fine and I can fill in the gender "specific" colours using all the gifts.
I've been following your blog (found it on Tara Whitney) since week 30ish of the pregnancy. I've never commented before but I wanted to tell you that I LOVE LOVE LOVE that picture of baby Tessa! She is beautiful and if I lived closer I would most definitely want to photograph her! (I'm new to photography, but still love it!) OH and LB is such a cutie and I actually used to teach preschool and his age to about six is so much fun! Anyways, beautiful photos, beautiful babies, nice job! (ps- I love your writing too).
Megan,
pps- embrace the pink...at least some...I'm expecting a girl, but I'm finding I like purple more than pink...
I wanted to know the gender of our baby because I was sort of obsessed with giving the baby a name. I did not have a preference of r a boy or a girl I just wanted to be able to refer to our baby by name as soon as possible. I know, I am a bit crazy.
I toyed with the idea of not telling people the sex because I share some of your concerns. I didn't want a sea of full or pink or blue. I wanted COLORS, and all of them too. I wanted all kinds of toys and stuffed animals.
I will never forget the looks I got from family members when we told them that Our daughter would like some cars and balls for Christmas. They clearly thought I had lost my mind and then proceeded to totally ignore the request.
@Allebasii
When the bows on the bands are bigger than the babies head and have beads and knick knacks attached it kind of freaks me out.
Guess I can't say much my mother use to tie a small bow out of a ribbon and stick it on my bald head with double sided tape. Guess they had not invented elastic :)
We felt the same way about dressing our daughter in all pink... but hey, free clothes, right? So we sucked it up.
And then Miss O decided to be naked for about three years. We didn't mind the pink so much then.
I agree about forcing gender stereotypes on our children. My boys dress up in princess dresses and play baby dolls, my daughter plays cars, and vice versa.
And they all ran around naked, happily ever after. The end.
Oh my holy heck, she's beautiful. The hair-- is it as soft as it looks?
I APPLAUD you and your incredible Cole for doing exactly what you're doing, and now I have to go blog about the whole "gender appropriate" thing because oh hi, I live in a rural state full of some MASSIVE gender rolls and they scare the ever living shit out of me. What happened to individuality, free will and personality?
My partner and I are totally on the same page as you and Cole with the gender stuff. We want to provide all the options and let our little guy choose for himself. We're totally aware that when he's out of our little bubble he'll have the world pressing down on him to be a certain way. We figure as long as we have some control over, we will constantly tell him he can be anything... a firefighter OR a ballet dancer... a football player OR a cheerleader. We hope that if he hears it enough at home it will balance out a little bit of the gender crap he'll hear later.
All of that being said, my mother actually cried (real tears, people) when we put our 2 month old boy in a pair of pink pajamas. Seriously. She was so upset that she hid them from us before leaving. Ridiculous.
I appreciate your approach in letting Tessa's interests develop on their own. As an elementary teacher, all too often I see parents "forcing" stereotypes onto their children and it's nauseating. I don't have children of my own, but I'd like to think that if I do, I'll have the same forthought as you and Cole.
Your post reminded me of this amazing lullaby (written by Fred Small). A friend told me her parents sang this to her often as she grew. How different the world would be if THIS were the message we received from our parents...
Everything Possible
We have cleared off the table, the leftovers saved,
Washed the dishes and put them away
I have told you a story and tucked you in tight
At the end of your knockabout day
As the moon sets its sails to carry you to sleep
Over the midnight sea
I will sing you a song no one sang to me
May it keep you good company.
You can be anybody you want to be,
You can love whomever you will
You can travel any country where your heart leads
And know I will love you still
You can live by yourself, you can gather friends around,
You can choose one special one
And the only measure of your words and your deeds
Will be the love you leave behind when you're done.
There are girls who grow up strong and bold
There are boys quiet and kind
Some race on ahead, some follow behind
Some go in their own way and time
Some women love women, some men love men
Some raise children, some never do
You can dream all the day never reaching the end
Of everything possible for you.
Don't be rattled by names, by taunts, by games
But seek out spirits true
If you give your friends the best part of yourself
They will give the same back to you.
You can be anybody you want to be,
You can love whomever you will
You can travel any country where your heart leads
And know I will love you still
You can live by yourself, you can gather friends around,
You can choose one special one
And the only measure of your words and your deeds
Will be the love you leave behind when you're done.
Okay. I guess I have mixed feelings about this post. While I wholeheartedly respect your decision to not dress your daughter exclusively in frilly girly stuff, I must admit I am "guilty" of that infraction myself, and not in the least bit ashamed of it, (hence the quotations around the word "guilty"). :) My daughter was always dressed in some variation of pink or purple, always had ribbons in her hair, and honestly, it made me happy to always see her looking so girly and adorable-looking and receive compliments from strangers. I'm sure she would have received the same compliments had I dressed her in, I dunno, BROWN, because she is freakin' adorable, but I like the frilly stuff, and I always made sure she was comfortable; no constricting clothing, which I'm sure is the only thing she really cared about at that point.
Today, she's 5 years old and a force to be reckoned with. She picks out her own clothing every morning and sometimes she's in the mood for a dress and sandals and bows in her curly, long hair, and other times she wakes up in a t-shirt, jeans, and ponytail kinda mood. She turned out to be her own little person regardless of her mommy's tendencies to play dress-up with her when she was tiny.
Oh, and one more thing, THUMBS DOWN to that Swedish couple. That is just complete OVERKILL and unecessary. The parents are all worried that the child doesn't grow up with a "blue" or "pink" stamp on its forehead, right? Well. Now the child is growing up with an "IT" stamp on "its" forehead, and "it" is going to be outcasted and whispered about and, holy crap dude, going to school and getting teased and taunted is bad enough when you're a "regular" kid, but when you're that kid that everyone talks about, that is in the news because of the hippie parents' attention-whore tendencies, it just makes everything even more freaking difficult, you know? I really feel sorry for that kid.
Okay. End-rant. Tessa's completely adorable as always, by the way. :)
Totally understand. We are making sure to expose our daughter to both sides of the gender things and want to make sure that she understands that she can play with legos, cars, dinosaurs and sports just as she can play with dolls, horses, stuffed animals and twirly dresses.
My daughter is almost 6 months and has a lot of pink. We also have not bought her a single article of clothing. And some of the things are so adorable. But my favorite outfit? A blue striped polo onesie with sparkly flower buttons.
Unfortunately society won't allow us to completely remove the gender stereotypes. So instead, we are just going to make sure she experiences all sides of everything.
I have two boys, so I never had to deal with pink, frilly clothes. I think babies in general look so much better in strong colors - not the baby blues and pinks. I know it's hard to find non-pastel colored girls clothes, though.
My younger son's favorite color was pink UNTIL he went to pre-school. The other kids quickly taught him that pink was a girl color. As parents, we didn't push them either way towards boys / girls toys. They loved their Easy Bake oven and play kitchen. But, dear god, their brains were wired for mechanical toys with wheels.
I admit it, I am one of THOSE people. I had to find out the sex of my baby ahead of time, because I wanted gender specific crib bedding and blankets and clothes. I wouldn't say I went out of control with the pink frills, but I wanted to make it clear to strangers that they were cooing over a baby girl.
Why yes, I am rather shallow...
Good for you! My earliest memories of gender identity are being angry about the Pink. Give Tessa a doll and a truck, let her choose for herself!
I'm surprised by all the outrage about Pop. It's very possible that gender-neutral childrearing will become the norm in years to come.
I love these 'working things out' posts of yours, I almost always agree with you.
I was born in the right on, PC, 1980's and my Ma tried to make me gender neutral, colors, clothes, toys, even having my hair short etc. Guess what? I only wanted pink, girly, girly pink. My sister got to 18 months and refused point blank to wear anything but boy clothes, boy underwear, have boy toys, boy friends and generally be a boy. Because, that's what she liked, she wasn't making a statement she was making a choice. Funny now that she's such a make up obsessed teenager.
My hubby and I aren't planning on finding out the sex of our baby, but I'm buying lots of blue newborn clothes. I think blue is neutral, but it's funny to imagine all the aneurysms people will have when we bring out our baby girl dressed in blue (if it's a girl that is)......
You know, my older brother desperately wanted a mermaid doll for Christmas one year when he was about 5. And he sure as heck got it and slept with it every night. He is now an arborist (or as I like to say, eco-friendly lumber jack)with a collection of hunting bows. If that mermaid made any difference it was in making himself comfortable with his wants and personality.
My sister and I were raised in a fairly gender neutral way, largely because our parents had a limited income and we got whatever they could find in thrift stores boy or girl. When we were little I gravitated towards "girl" things. And she could pretty much care less. Now that we are in our twenties we have flip flopped. I could care less and am uncomfortable in skirts and make-up and she is the dresses and hair girly girl. I do remember that we played with anything and everything and didn't think twice about it's gender. Legos, dollhouses, horses, k-nex, and spent a lot of time learning to use a drill and swing a hammer with our dad. You're not going to scar her for life because you deprive Tessa of princess things. I think she'll be a more rounded open minded person because of it.
When one of my good friends had her baby shower and she was having twins, I refused to buy her two of the same exact outfit, just because they were twins. I told her they may be twins but they will still gorw up to be two different people. I didn't want to follow the stereotype of twins= same exact outfit everyday. And in the end she got a lot of different outfits rather than two of everything, which she loved. You are doing the right thing in doing what you think is right for your daughter, she is yours after all.
I also grew up playing with barbies, cabbage patch dolls and my little pony, but I also loved the Mattel cars and I had a train set and I especially LOVED my Legos which are all stereotypical "boy" toys. I still have all of them, can't bear to give them away.
We did find out the sex because I was just dying to know (patience isn't my strong point!) plus I couldn't stand the idea of buying(or being given in advance) loads of shit with BEARS on! give me the flowers over the bears anyday!!!
my daughter was a red baby, red and brown,trousers mostly. however now shes a toddler and its summer we've been catapulted into this world of dresses and pink and flowers and stuff... and I'm secretly liking it. It suits her far more now than it did a year ago. We'll just go with what she likes or what suits her.
and as for dolls or cars... she can choose whatever she likes, just when we have a boy and he wants to play with a doll.. I wouldn't stop him!
x
I totally sympathize with you on the heavily gendered clothing. And believe it or not, it's just as bad for little boys.
Just about every toy, every blanket, every item of clothing our now five-month old son received was baby blue. Now, I personally like pale blue (it suits my coloring, and his), but geez, one does want a little variety! After about a month, I thought I would scream if I ever had to dress him in that color again.
In addition, most of the boys' clothes on the market are emblazoned with trucks or sports crap. My husband and I hate both trucks and sports. Why would we want to look at them on our precious baby boy?
It is high time for a revolution in baby wear. I know some brands have already sprung up that address this (our favorite is Zutano), but they are out of our price range. Fortunately, a few crop up from time to time at the second-hand stores, and you had better believe I snap them all up -- even the ones with "girl colors" in them.
I kind of have to agree with Janet.
I totally respect the decision not to turn Tessa into a little princess in pink all the time. But it seems to me that in your passion about this issue you're going so far the other direction as to appear (at least by what I read) irrational about it.
Are you really going to BAN pink and frills? Isn't that just as sexist and gender defining as making her wear pink all the time?
As far as you knowing she's a girl - GREAT. She's your daughter and obviously you see those things. When it's not your own kid, there are times that I *do* have a hard time telling boy from girl - especially with newborns. And sexist though it may be, when I see a new baby wrapped in a blue blanket, my mental assumption is automatically "boy". I probably won't say it - and I'd ask first - but it is the first thing that pops into my mind.
I dunno. I believe that kids should be exposed to EVERYTHING. That means letting girls and boys have cars and balls and dolls and kitchen stuff. I don't get the whole "don't give him a car" or "don't give her a doll" mindset. That's just reversing the "gender discrimination" or whatever you want to call it.
I'm starting in on my second trimester and am *dying* to know the gender of our baby. It's that damned curiosity. It's also because I'd like to start shopping for Bunny and every time I go to look anything for a newborn is either all pink and flowers or footballs and cars. Luckily I have time. As it is, I'm dreading the requisite registry (I would skip it, but then my long distance family would have a coronary.)
FWIW - my new mantra when encountering the sort of resistance you're getting from all sides is that there seems to be only one right way to do things: the way that works for you and your child.
And also, Tessa is beautiful.
That picture just made me MELT.
This is a great post and one I feel strongly about too. I admire you for standing your ground and not budging. It's tough sometimes but it's really important! I've been pondering a post about the early "genderization" of kids, and I'm pretty sure your reflection will make me progress in mine...
So I have a boy and the game is a little different I guess, but I had a similar experience. I felt really bad about it, but my son never wore maybe 90% of the (huge amount of) clothes we received for him. They nearly all made me sick: the overtly cutesy stuff with trucks, the "mamma's little boy" stuff, and the "future quarterback" stuff...
And I always thought that having a girl meant so many more clothing options. But now you make me realize that this is taken to a whole other level of craziness, and that for most people, there are probably even fewer options, i.e. only one way to dress them: in overtly frilly, all-pink, "little princess" with-rhinestones-and-tiaras stuff. That would NOT fly with me. I'm fairly girly and do wear pink occasionally, but I still think the way it's done on girls today is pretty sickening, and just does not bode well for the future (sorry, but girls are NOT princesses. It doesn't mean they should be told they're worthless, it doesn't mean at some point they will not want to pretend play about it, but there's a wide margin in between, which seems hard to find these days.)
Bottom line, if I ever have a girl, I would do exactly like you: maybe a little pink, but no going berserk and done our own way.
My sister didn't want to know the sex of her baby and it drove me nuts!! I was in the delivery room with her and the moment I saw my little nephew I understood why she wanted it to be a surprise. It was a magical moment. Needless to say I totally agree with you.
My parents felt the same way you do. They didn't know the sex of either myself or my brother because it didn't matter. My parents never pushed me to be a girly-girl. Infact, my dad was certain to introduce me to everything...I can sweat pipes, change the oil in a car but I can also bake a mean dessert. My dad wanted me to have all the skills I could, regardless of my sex. He never wanted me to have to rely on anyone else but myself. I admire you two for doing the same and I'm happy my parents let me turn out to be who I am.
I stumbled on your blog from ohdeedoh.com a few months ago and it's quickly become one of my favorite reads. I get so excited when I see that you have a new post and I always save it for last when I'm doing my daily blog reading. I cried along with everyone else at Tessa's birth story and truly admire your parenting views because they're very similar to my own. I very very rarely comment on blogs, I always feel like I don't really have anything to add to the great discussions. But, this great post really made me want to abandon my "lurker" status. When our first daughter was born (five years ago) we felt exactly the same about the whole pink issue. I really wanted my baby girl to be able to develop her own tastes and be her own person. It felt so wrong for us to force her into that box that society has created. We decorated her room in bright neutral colors and dressed her in blues, greens, oranges, etc. Of course there was some pink thrown in there occasionally so she could be exposed to the entire spectrum of colors. When she started playing with toys we not only gave her dolls and princess clothes, we gave her cars and trucks, sports equipment and other "boy" toys. She takes dance class but also hockey lessons. It's amazing, for the most part our families have always been really supportive of our decisions to raise her this way and while they may not agree have been very respectful. I know that that's not always the case. Now that she's old enough to make her own choices she professes that her favorite color is in fact pink, she loves wearing frilly dresses and insisted when we recently moved that her room be pink. At the same time shel loves to play kung-fu, says she's going to be a huge hockey star and recently kicked all the boys' asses in a Big Wheel race. I was a little disappointed at first that she's become so attached to pink after all we went through to dissuade her from that but then I had to step back and realize that we accomplished EXACTLY what we meant to accomplish. She's her own person. She's made her own choices without anyone telling her what she should choose and I'm proud of her for that. So rock on and keep doing things the way you feel is right! Our second daughter is due to be born in a few weeks and you can better believe she'll be wearing some blue!
Should have read the comments before, shouldn't I?
@Bakergirl, well said about the style battle vs the color one...
I also think that kids come pre-wired with some of this. Around one and on his own, my son pretty much went from being gender-less to being obsessed with trucks and sports, and it still continues to this day. I wouldn't have a problem with my hypothetical little girl being girly, just with overdoing it in a very stereotypical way!
And I have to agree with just about everyone about those HIDEOUS headbands...
@ Erica- "Merman Dad. Merman!" -zoolander
so funny
Just so you know, there's now about a eleven billion percent chance that Tessa will grow up to be a gay because you failed to establish a bond with her as a female and properly prepare her for her roles and duties as a woman while she was still mentally pliable deep in Cole's lady-balls. That's why you find that shit out rookie! Have fun living with your guilt.
Actually, I envy your patience and wish I was not the type, who as a child, would peek in my parents' closet to see what Christmas morning was going to look like...Because inside I'm still six.
All I know is, thanks to your last post, I will most definitely be shaving my kids' heads.
And the other is that I had ONE FRIEND - one! - who decided to let the baby's sex be a surprise and her baby shower was amaaaaaazing. No Lil' Slugger onesies, no pink dresses with matching panties. It was all like bold primary-colored stripes and polka dots and greens and yellows and (my favorite) white, and the baby gear was all like black and grey and chill. I didn't even know that stuff existed. That's what you get if you keep the baby's gender a secret? Genius! I say if you get all the other blue/pink crap after they're born? Regift. Or Goodwill.
My husband and I are on opposite sides of this debate. I absolutly, no way- no how, want to know the sex of our baby. I am too good at finding out surprises and this is one thing that will be a complete surprise to me. My husband is of the mind set that there is no way in the world we will be prepared for a little one without first knowing if it is a boy or girl. Thankfully we both agree that girls can have trucks and balls and boys can have dolls and dress up. I love your take on this pink posse!
Congratulations on your beautiful daughter!
I had every intention of not finding out the sex of the baby. My ex wanted to know. Due to illness, he was unable to attend the visit when we could find out the sex. The tech was great and was more than willing to write down the sex on a piece of paper and my mom would give it to him. She asked me several times if I was sure because if I was, she was gonna move on after taking the measurements and stuff. The last time she asked, I caved. I wanted to know soooooooooo bad at that point.
As far as preperation was concerned, I had already picked out the decor of the baby's room. It was painted with green hills, blue skies (including the ceiling), clouds all over the ceiling and the upper walls and a HUGE tree with individual leaves spongepainted. Perfect for either gender.
As for clothing, eh, I put her in whatever I had. Blue, pink, green, black, whatever. Clothes were clothes. She spit up on all of them in the beginning and made a terrible mess out of them (as babies are wont to do) so it didn't really matter to me. I'd buy her whatever was cute and on sale, whether it was boys or girls clothing. However, like you, I refused to have anything frilly and Jon Benet-ish in my house. My ex's family sent down a bunch of dresses like that and I delighted (especially cause I had just kicked his cheating ass out of the house when LOML was 5 weeks old) in taking a pair of scissors to the dresses and shredding them to all holy hell.
As for the color pink.....well, as much as I didn't encourage it, she found it. And lived it for years. She ventured out several years ago and now tends to bend towards blues, greens and purples when it comes to the color of her room and the decor. She's still a girly girl in the sense that she likes to play baby dolls, Barbies and whatnot. But, she also likes to go fishing and play football and helps me build/repaint/fix stuff all the time.
Just do your own thing. Screw the others out there that want to force their beliefs on you. You're her parents, not them. So far, you're doing a great job (like you need me to tell you that). You know I've admired you and Cole for a long time now.
I am loving all the posts on Tessa and am so glad that you opened up yourself and your family to do all these wonderful posts.
urgh, i personally loathe baby pink on girls. i loathe the idea that that is what they're 'supposed' to wear.
when we sent our Iris's birth announcement, it was a photograph of her asleep on a sheepskin wearing a stripy baby-gro, which just happened to be blue, and someone said, ' oh, i can see you were expecting a boy'. completely maddening. when actually she was wearing it because it looked sweet on her.
but i just don't get this gender delineation by colour. and actually find it all a bit creepy, seeing girls pushed round in pink buggies, with pink clothes and pink shoes. Iris has worn pink of course, but only a cerise or fuchsia and certainly not head to toe. People tell me that the pink phase is unavoidable, but i just don't buy it.
you might find this article interesting.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/artanddesign/artblog/2007/nov/05/whyhastheworldgonepinkma
With my first pregnancy, we didn't find out. And it was okay (mostly...that curiousity did suck.) With my second, I had over 30 bins of girls clothing from sizes newborn to 4t (at the time). I needed to know what to keep and what to get rid of. Cause even if it isn't frilly and pink, it can still be girly. I managed to save 2 totes that my boy could wear.
My son loves boy stuff, but he loves to sit and play Polly Pockets with his sisters. And they love to wrestle and play cars with him. My stepdaughter hates pink, and my middle daughter LOVES it. My son just loves colors period. It continually amazes me the things they develop on their own, even though we try so hard to be neutral.
I'm not saying your stance is right or wrong, but I will say that it is easy when they are newborn to make statements that you won't be able to back up at some point in the near future. Just always be prepared to eat your words...we all do at some point :)
All 4 of my girls wore whatever color I happened to put on them as babies/toddlers, including some rather cute items I found in the boys section. They were all bought cars and dump trucks along with baby dolls and stuffed animals. One of my almost 11 year olds is a definite tomboy and I am thrilled to see her playing with matchbox cars if that's what she likes.
When my brother's first son was born, I bought him a boy doll that was made for boys. It promptly went into the trash, my brother refusing to let his son play with anything soft and cuddly.
Who cares if she wears pink? She'll decide what colors she likes herself.
We did not know the sex of our first two children, but when we found out we were having twins, we wanted to know for logistical purposes.
We didn't do the pink prep either, and I think my son wore more "girl" clothes then "boy" clothes, because the "boy" clothes seemed to be scratchier and stiffer and everything seemed to have a logo or number or patch or applique or something....but in the end, they do pick their own likes and dislikes. And my daughter just left for the dentist in a pink sequined tutu.
Pick your battles, dude.
Cole was a tomboy.
I feel you and I totally agree and understand. My question to you would be though...if you had a little boy - would you wrap him in pink towels? Just wondering, Melina
First, and I'm sure you're not tired of hearing it, Tessa is beautiful.
Second, pink was not always the color for girls. As recently as a 100 years ago, people debated over which one was appropriate for which gender.
Lastly,gender dichotomy is forced on us by society. From wearing pink and playing with dolls for girls and wearing blue and playing with trucks for boys, we have in our society some rigid ideas of what's appropriate for each sex. The more we learn about how the human brain is wired, the more we realize that this dichotomy is false. Gender identity and sexual orientation are hard wired. For most of us, they follow the gender norms that society enforces. But not always.
You'll know soon enough what Tessa's preferences are. She may hate pink or she may think the Disney Princess line of toys is a must have. Then again, she might prefer trucks. Either way, I have confidence that you and Cole will handle whatever happens.
Good for you guys! Let her be herself. Who wants their child to be a reflection of gender stereotypes? And as to people needing cues to decipher if a baby is a boy or girl.. If I had a baby I sure wouldn't be offended if someone guessed the sex wrong. As long as they though my baby was as cute as I did.. :)
Beautiful picture and great blog.
http://www.sass-pot.blogspot.com/
It's not a man/dad thing, I felt the same way about my daughter. She rarely wore dresses as an infant and typically had on something green or stripey. She was frequently misstaken for a boy and I almost enjoyed correcting people because they would realize what a stupid thing they had just done to assume she was a boy because she wasn't wearing pink. Now she is two and asks me to put pigtails and ribbons in her hair and to wear dresses. And I don't mind that either, because it is something she likes. But I still have to wonder if she likes those things because of how people react to her when she is all 'dolled up.' Sure, she has a play kitchen and a tea set but she also has a bug catching kit, a train set, and some grow-your-own dinasaurs. She also has a mommy who works outside of the house and still comes home and makes dinner and likes to wear skirts, and a daddy who stays home with her and will probably serve as her teacher when she is school age. I think these children will grow up to be influencial adults because they aren't fenced in from the beginning and will learn to think about the world through a different set of rules.
'People' will gift Tessa with whatever they deem necessary and appropriate and 'etiquitte' would tell you to just smile and accept these gifts gracefully. It is then up to you if you actually use the things you are gifted.
I have 2 girls and am about to have my 3rd boy and I don't have an issue with pink or blue ... I have an issue with the saccarine light pink everything seems to come in for girls and the ubiquitous powder blue for boys. Think I hate the blue most. My mum always goes on a hunt for onesies in navy, red, orange, dark pink etc.
THANK YOU!!! Well stated! I am a GIRL and up until recently didn't care for pink!! i don't have kids but like you have always said please when i eventually have a daughter lets not bombard her with pink please!!! lol and every that knows me knows that!! I too get weird looks when i say it!! but who care you buy your kid pink ill buy mine GREEN, BLUE PURPLE RED what ever color floats my boat!! and I h ave awesome friends that go right along with me for baby showers we attend we REFUSE to buy pink for lil girls so we are usually the only gift sans the pink!!!! and that we are proud of!!
I was a lil girl once and loved lil girl stuff but i was also a total tom boy that love(d) transformers, g.i. joe, he-man and sheera!! and I am sooo grateful that my parents never imposed the super girly things!! and now I am as much a "girly-girl" as i am still a bit of a "tom-boy" which i like to call adventurous!!!
So I applaud you for the decision that you are making!! on your way to raising a very independent lil girl!! and so beautiful i might add!!
congrats to you Cole and the LB!!!!!!
Awesome post! I don't have kids yet, but I HATE HATE HATE the idea of pink for girls, blue for boys. Whether we find out the sex of our future kidlets or not, I imagine we will keep it a secret from others just to avoid the blue/pink inundation as long as possible. Whenever I go to baby showers I bring along a cute little green or brown or orange outfit for the litte one to be...especially to those showers where the parents are so stoked on bathing their children in the "appropriate" gender norms. This is my way of being subversive...I know, I'm such a radical. ha. Also, can I just say there is nothing more frightening than the princess phase? it makes me want to hole up in the middle of nowhere until my kids are in their teens. And I imagine Tessa would be just as gorgeous in any color.
Two things... First off, my guy and I also decided to let the gender be a surprise... we're still waiting for the Big Reveal! Can't wait. We specifically asked for the gender not to be demarcated anywhere on our paperwork so that we couldn't even think about it existing out there somewhere. I think it was a good choice. People at my shower were complaining that it was soooo hard to buy gifts without knowing the gender. Man, does that ever reveal just how deeply these gender divisions have manifested themselves in our culture. A baby is a baby.
And about the pinky princess thing? There was a great discussion on CBC radio about how those Disney Pixar movies always feature boy lead characters (adventurers, heros...) while the only female leads we see are princesses. They were talking about the ways in which perpetuating this 'girls as princesses' myth can be a limiting and constraining factor in girls' development, especially at a time when so much else seems to be moving forward. Girls don't know what myth to believe. My guy and I were talking about how we will try our best to allow all of our baby's own interests and strengths to manifest themselves outside of traditional gender constraints. But it is so hard because much of that is so deeply ingrained in our understanding of the world that we may pass on stuff we don't even realize. And that's not even talking about the influence of peers! We may not perpetuate the pink or blue boundaries, but they will very soon realize that all the other boys/girls act and play in very stereotypical ways, maybe fostered by their own parents. In the end you just hope you can create an environment where your child can just be him/herself... regardless of whether that means that they will deeply embody those keystones of gender.
it's true people go crazy buying pink (or blue) and gender related toys and you start to worry that we are all crazy trying to push our kids towards certain behavior, etc.
then you stick a couple of toddlers in a room who's parents havent' been trying to "influence" then one way or the other and they start doing totally gender specific things -- like shooting guns with their gun fingers and playing house, etc. and you realize a lot of it is just how we are wired. (from a mom who never bought a gun-type toy for her boys -- until they got their light sabers....)
I almost wished your brain magically transferred into my man's head halfway through this. Ok, I did, I was lost in the trance of it.
For our girls it was fairly easy to keep them gender role free, but now we have the boy and I am sick of lecturing him on all this again. I used to think that boys had it easier with clothes, while pulling my hair in the midst of pink fluffiness at the store. Now I am lost in blue gray dullness with trucks and skeletons.
Think about the brain thing. Maybe not the whole one (you do bug me at times), but this part I will take gladly.
And just an interesting aside from an anthropological perspective... the Inuit have a "third gender" whereby some children are given the gender identities of dead relatives regardless of his/her sex. Obviously, because gender is a social construct, it's not such a big deal when it fits with culture. The children cross dress, have opposite gender names, etc., until puberty when some of them revert back to matching sex/gender status. It just shows how fluid these lines can be when we're open to it...
I didn't want to find out the gender of either of my children, but between my husband and my mother - I caved. I wish now I would have waited, but I am already prepared for the next child. I plan to not even get an ultrasound unless there's a dire need for one.
(I'll admit though, that my son does have basketball jerseys despite him being unable to walk. Not because I'm hoping he'll be an aspiring athlete, but because I am not over how adorably cute the outfits are)
Oh - and, well, maybe it wouldn't hurt to embrace the pink just a little bit. I had a girl first and was entirely against the pink frilly dresses and now that I have also had a son, I wish the selection of clothes that I missed out on with the first.
(this coming from a mom whose 3-year-old daughter has sat down in a Princess dress to watch her favourite movie, Spiderman, while wearing Spiderman shoes and drinking from a Spiderman cup...)
This adorable photo of Tessa sleeping reminds me of the photo you took of Cole sleeping in her "pillow palace" a while back. They really look alike. So cute.
This may have been said already, but one of the main reasons I plan on not telling anyone the sex of my future babies is to keep all their stuff gender neutral for practicality's sake. I don't want to have a girl with a ton of pink crap and then have a boy and have nothing to hand-down but a bunch of pink crap.
When my daughter was born I was very careful not to gender stero type. But I'm not rich. When People gave me pink outfits, I said thank you, and if it was comfortable she wore it. It was more about comfort for me no matter what color. I cant stand babies in overalls. There is no way that those metal clasps aren't irritating. I'm very careful about language used here. Firefighter versus fireman, but in picking my battles clothes just wasn't one of them. And her room was an adorable bug theme. Boy or girl it would have worked. I read that yellow is a good color for babies so we incorporated a lot of yellow.
Little baby girls look cute in pink. That is all. I don't think people are damning her to a life of frilly princess dreams just for buying a pink onesie.
I totally hated pink as a kid, and mostly because I felt pressured to like it. I'm more open to it now, in small doses. But I could still never dress in head-to-toe pink... ever. I wouldn't look good in it anyway.
Plus, little Tessa definitely looks like a baby girl... even if I saw a photo of her wearing... I don't know, what do boys usually wear? Dinosaur shirts?
anyway, the point is that even if she was wearing a very boyish dinosaur shirt, I'd still be thinking aww, what a sweet little girl. that likes dinosaurs.
If I ever have kids I would want to know the sex just out of plain curiosity.
I'm not good at being patient.
I think your right about not forcing stereotypes of gender or anything like that on kids, but at the same time its not good to go out of your way to avoid it. Like if people give you something pink because its a girl, just take it, if they give it to you to replace things you have that aren't pink, give them the stink eye.
that said if I ever have girls they will be head to toe in cute pink things because it is my favorite colour and I'm selfish like that :P
@ Category- You bought her a pink onesie didn't you?
I have two girls and 4 boys - all that matters to me is that they are happy. My oldest daughter is as well adjusted as can be expected in a house overrun with trucks, cars, trains, etc. She is not obsessed with pink or all things girlie and dolls and such but occassionally she gets the urge to be girlie. That's okay because she is happy. I never forced the pink on her, honestly because it was just not her color. It didn't look good on her. She looks better in purples and blues. Tiny Dancer on the other hand looks adorable in pink and orange but are those the only colors that make up her wardrobe? HECK NO!! She has green, and blue, and purple and an adorable yellow....and sometimes, she wears her brothers's hand-me-down onesies because they are just so darned soft and comfie.
Heck, if you guys want to dress the little Tangerine in black so be it - she is your little girl. she will find her own way and decide if she like pink or purple or gold....there is nothing wrong with just wanting to love your baby and let her grow through the times at her own pace. There is no sense in getting her dressed for the ball if she would rather be climbing a tree when she is older right?
The fairy princess phase is crap. Neither of my daughters have gone through it. They are both fairly girly in terms of liking babies and barbies but on the other hand, they have no use for Disney princesses and my oldest daughters favorite clothing has dinosaurs and robots on it. My baby loves cars and trucks and animals. SO screw the outdated gender rules and let Tessa make her own. She'll led the way for you guys. And yeah, it might include some pink but it might not. And she'll still be just as much a girl without it.
My, you've gotten long-winded and harangue-y! Personally, I've always been a big fan of the "nod, smile and forget it" method of brooking advice. And as for the pink thing - I think it's only as important as you make it. I had very definite ideas about gender identity/pigeon-holing when my first son was born. I didn't buy him any traditional "boy" toys, only to be completely astounded to find him constantly making cars, weapons, etc. out of whatever he could get his hands on (well before the age of two). 19 years and three kids later - I'm convinced a good amount of it is is genetic. And the rest of it? Eh, I'm not gong to get myself worked up into a lather either way. For such a happy man - with so much to be happy about - you seem to get awfully worked up!
I say enjoy the free clothes while they last. They wear them for such short time periods when they are that young and bf babies end up leaking shit everywhere! The freebies don't keep coming unfortunately! Once the gifts run out, buy what you like. She's a beauty! I hope you guys are all doing well, and LB is transitioning nicely.
I love this post for a few reasons. First, because it gives me validation that I'm not the only one who thinks peoples obsession with knowing the sex to be able to pick out colors, etc is total bullshit.
When did people seriously start caring about that kind of thing? When I look back at pictures of myself as a child and my cousins and friends, the clothes were all, well, pretty normal Sesame Street type stuff, there were dresses but I rarely saw any pink. I just don't get it AT ALL. I do think certain clothes are really cute bc I have a love of certain colors but mostly I'm obsessed with patterns.
I usually steer way clear of buying clothes for showers, etc. I'm usually the one who ends up giving the parents the real shit they'll need in the form of a baby bathtub filled with bottles, teeny nail clippers, breast pumps, whatever.
btw, My most favorite picture of me as a child is wearing a Bert & Ernie-eque striped shirt http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Bert_and_Ernie.JPG with some denim Osh Kosh b'Gosh overalls on. YES!
Oh, the other reason I love coming here is because I feel the balance of sanity vs coo coo has been tipped to the former in a big, healthy way where in the real world, it seems to scarily favor the latter WAAAY too much :)
i totally agree, it's all in the accessories anyway. i mean you've got her ears pierced already, right? and surely she wears a different tiara everyday, so i'm sure it's all good. she's what, a couple weeks old now? time to start teachin her about eye shadow and contouring those chubby little cheeks!
It’s a tiny bit odd to me when people find out they’re having a baby and within 5 months: the sex is determined, the full name is chosen, the Vera Bradley diaper bag is monogrammed with the initials, the nursery is decorated in the gender-appropriate color, with the baby’s name plastered over the crib in giant wooded Pottery Barn letters... What’s left for anyone to be surprised about? I love that you guys waited. I plan to do the same someday.
@ Anono- you're right I'm not really happy at all. In fact I have been so upset all day that I haven't even looked at or touched the baby once today, I haven't hung out with our houseguest and laughed and told stories, or played with LB at all when he got home from school, I didn't work on a shoot today, and my wife and I haven't laughed at all about anything, not even when we were laying in bed this morning. I have an awful life. I just can't stop being upset about these blog posts. You are clearly a perceptive person. Try reading it with a kind of amused and bewildered "what does it all mean" kind of voice... maybe? No?
You're probably right, I am fuming mad. I should have just used ALL CAPS for this one.
Are you sure I'm worked up, or just updating my blog with some thoughts for todays post?
I normally never respond to anono shit like this, but I just got SO MAD I couldn't help myself :)
clearly you bring out the worst in me. Was that a long winded enough response for you? Or should I have just said to go fuck yourself in the interest of brevity?
Thanks for the insight about the topic. It was ground breaking.
I totally agree! I'm not a girlie girl and not at all a fan of pink so the thought of someone else saying "I have to" put my (non existent) girl in pink is ridiculous!
Cole just told me I had to delete that response to the anono because she thought it was out of hand and not very funny at all. I explained that I used the smile face emoticon and everything, and that I was being heavy handed with the sarcasm, but she wasn't phased. I guess sometimes I can over due it.
a "whoops" for now. Perhaps an apology later.
Some people just don't get it. I like the girly stuff to a certain extent but after the birth of our first daughter I would refer to her as the Pepto Baby 'cause the amount of pink in our house was absurd!
My mom is a midwife and as far as I know, most of her clients don't find out the sex of their babies beforehand. When I have a kid, I don't think I'll want to know either- I want to be surprised, and besides I'm sort of against a lot of the (non-medically necessary) technology that surrounds pregnancy and birth these days.
We have a toddler girl, and I bought her clothes in a variety of colors-- because all *my* clothes aren't one color, y'know? She has some pink, red, brown, orange, green, blue (she has blue eyes and looks stunning in blue)! It's funny to me though-- even in a blue dress, people come up and ask about my "boy." They're so conditioned that blue=boy they don't see the dress :) Oh well.
I almost feel bad for them when I respond, "Oh, she's 18 months" because they think I'm going to freak out that they got the gender wrong. If I needed everyone to know she was a girl from 300 feet away, I could do it-- but really? Boys and girls don't look all that different when they're tiny. They're all beautiful.
Michelle
Ooh! This is a topic close to my heart!
Hub and I do know the sex of our baby. We're having a little girl too. We're SO excited about that, to be sure!
HOWEVER, I don't want everything pink either. I am not going to repaint or redecorate the room that will be hers. If she were a boy, I wouldn't repaint it either (and it is peach).
I feel EXACTLY the same way you do about the gender role issue. I'm happy to let other people who get excited about lace and pink shower our baby with whatever makes them happy. I'm not going to refuse it, but lord knows I'm certainly not going to go out and go gaga for girl-stuff either.
Good for you and Cole and beautiful little Tessa!
i'm due with my first in october, and we're leaving the gender a mystery until then as well. my husband and i have had quite a laugh at all of the responses we get.
"but what will i buyyy you?" well... you don't have to buy anything. or you could pick something in any array of colors... there is a whole rainbow out there.
and my favorite response yet, "ahhhh... how romantic [pause] and impractical."
it really is amazing to me to think of the culture rituals we can get so wrapped up in. we're just trying to take a step back from that and keep things SIMPLE. because once upon a time all a baby needed was food from mom, something to be wrapped up in, sleep, and a diaper change. seems pretty practical to me.
Great post! I had very similar ideas when I was expecting my daughter. Her room was a very pale lavender with accents of green and yellow. NO PINK! In fact, I took pride in the fact that prior to her birth, there was only ONE pink outfit hanging in her closet that was a gift from a friend. I didn't want an overflow of pink, frills, ruffles, lace, etc. and I wasn't shy about it, either. However, right before she turned 3, I was hit full force with the pink princess phase. She wanted EVERYTHING in pink....and wanted to be dressed like a princess 24/7. I bit my tongue, reminding myself that this too, shall pass. And it did. She is now 5, and currently says that her favorite color is green.
Anyway, congrats to you, Cole, & LB as you welcome little Tessa into your world!!! =)
I am 29 weeks now and had wanted to keep the sex of our baby a secret. My reasons sound similar to yours; not wanting to project gender stereotypes onto our baby and I thought it would be fun to be surprised. People couldn't fathom it! My husband wanted to know, but he supported my reasoning and we agreed to wait. In the sonogram room, around 20 weeks, he looked at me with his big brown eyes and said, "don't you want to know? now's our chance..." I did want to know, but I didn't, but... I gave in and we found out we're having a girl. I don't regret finding out. I'm happy to imagine a little girl growing inside me, but I am still hyper-aware of gender assumptions that other people make and even those I make myself. I still fight those.
Then came the hand-me-downs. We are set with furniture, accessories and clothing for the first year—which is awesome! I totally appreciate everything. But, our baby is going to be in all pink and nothing but pink if I don't supplement and buy her some of her own clothes. I really have no idea why people insist on dressing little girls in flowers and shades of pink. Both have their place, but too much of anything it overkill.
No matter what she wears, or what she grows up to be interested in, I will support her and love her more than anything else in this world. In the end I've had to let go of worrying about what color she's dressed in and focus on what kind of attention she gets, the love she sees and feels around her, and the words she hears and slowly starts to understand.
Plus, I can always put blue leggings under a pink top and really throw people for a loop.
I agree with you. It seems like many couples around me are having babies, and most of them are having girls. Most of them are putting those HUGE bows on those little girls' heads..and its just a little too much. I know that whenever I start having kids, whether I have a girl or boy, I will not give in to gender stereotypes.
For both my sister and I, my parents waited to find out what they were having. I was never dressed in all pink, or had huge bows on my head as an infant. They let us girls like whatever it was we liked. Yeah, we did ballet for a while, but when I wanted to do karate, they gladly let me do it..and both my sister and I have our black belts! I went through a tom-boy phase, and I liked girly things as well.
All of that to say, I'm a 23 year old woman who likes the somewhat girly things in life, but has NO problem with playing an intense game of soccer and being covered in dirt. Because of the way I was raised, my parents letting me become whoever I wanted to become..I feel like I am a well-rounded person. A girl who can do the girly thing, and a girl who has no problem with getting her hands dirty..
First time commenting, but have followed your blog about the last 3 months. I myself am preggo with our 2nd child (first is 13 y.o. boy) and am due on, ironically, Labor Day. At the routine ultrasound at 20 weeks, my husband definately wanted to know the gender. I did as well, but if we hadn't found out, I think I would have been fine.:-)
Anyway, Isabella will be born soon and we have been trying to stick with the light pastels and more neutral colors. Light yellow for the walls, all the pastels for the bedding etc. My son was obviously hoping for a brother and absolutely can't stand the color pink, so we are kind of trying to hold the color to a minimum - and it's really hard.
When you go to the baby department and look for girl's clothes, at least here, it's 90% pink. Anyway, I just wanted to empathize and say that obviously, you're not alone in your sentiments on the color. :-)
I thank you for sharing your family and birth story with all of us. Each member of your family is adorable! Your blog has inspired my husband to try something similar for our experience, on his own blog. Not sure I'm as brave as Cole for those pics though. ;-) Again - thanks and congratulations!
Maybe this is off topic somewhat, but this post reminded me of it. I think the gender issues continue long after infancy.
When my MIL came over and saw that her 20 year old graphic designer son (my brother-in-law) had chosen a pink and brown striped shower curtain (in his perfectly designed, gorgeous bathroom), she rolled her eyes and said, "why not blue and brown?" because obviously males liking the color pink makes them gay.
She frequently expresses concern that he might be gay, and comments on his tight pants as a clue. not surprisingly, she voted yes on 8, and thinks being gay is a "perversion."
It's all so frustratingly dumb to me, I think if I have ever a boy, I'll paint his room pink just to irritate her.
When i was pregnant with our first daughter, i bought all earthy, NON PINK, clothes for her, just like i do for myself. Eggplant & plums, celadon & grass greens, warm browns & sea/ sky blues, etc.
When she was born and i started putting these adorable clothes on her, it just wasn't right. She looked best in HOT color! and it was ( and remains to be) all she wanted to wear when she was old enough to voice her opinion . . . at about 6 months.
Turquoise, lime, red, hot orange and, yes, HOT PINK!!
thankfully, it's never been bubblegum and frills but i imagine if that had been who she is, i'd learn to love it.
watching their identity emerge is miraculous! ENJOY!
Lol.
You like that one, I do, too.
But i don't believe it at all.
no way I am shaving my baby head.
I agree, we should all send a request to myth busters to do an episode on it.
my MIL and FIL must be crazy.
Lol, but i love them.
damn asians. Lol.
I knew the sex of my son when I was having him, but wasn't allowed to tell my husband. When Tim was born, it was very anti-climactic. (yup. they were right. it's a boy) With my 2 girls, We didn't know, but I KNEW (ya know?). I could just sense it. Although, with Danielle, my youngest, I kept picturing Gina and the boys, not Tim and the girls, but she FELT like a girl growing inside me. hard to explain.
I can't believe you used the smiley face emoticon.
About the Anono and response(s)...I don't know how people keep misinterpreting your tone. It seems fairly obvious (even without reading the tag on the post) that you're just working things that are in your head out "on paper", not railing against the oppression of societal norms. Some folks just need to RELAX and reread the "take your unsolicited advice and stick it where the sun don't shine" advice from a couple posts ago.
(Of course, had my husband written the response, I would have insisted he remove it, too. I think just sharing that Cole doesn't approve of it is good enough. No need to start kissing up to vague entities in cyberspace.)
Anyhoo, enjoyed reading the post (and comments). I'm fascinated by the "Pop" article, too. I'll be looking for a follow-up in a few years.
Hope you all have a wonderful evening!
For *reasonable* people (and I highlight reasonable because for some reason my mind keeps flashing to 'Prussian Blue'), I think that raising your kid how you want to is your prerogative... as long your goal is to help your child become whomever they want to be... within reason obviously.
Since I sent you the 'Pop' link... I feel like I have to explain myself now. I don't think that making a huge production/spectacle about keeping your child's gender a secret just to make a statement is in the child's best interest at all. Now that kid is a famous 'freak' who will no doubt be teased and ridiculed... just so his/her parents could get their 5 minutes of fame. And even if it wasn't about fame... since they have to explain to everyone what they are doing and why... the kid is still labeled... not as boy or girl, but as "that weird kid whose parents won't let him/her be a boy or girl."
LB choice to play with cooking things and play kitchens is totally developmentally normal. Pretend play and imitating are natural and healthy for any child his age, with or without developmental delays. It is only our butch American culture that tells us that pretend cooking is feminine or only for girls. And I feel bad for little boys that have parents that won't let them pretend to make cookies and replace it with a baseball.
For the record, I don't think you are on an angry rant. I think you are verbally expressive, and this blog is the home for that expression. If people interpret your writing as a rant, they have their own issues. I get it. Variety. All we ask for is a little variety.
Sarcasm is the new black, people.
Get used to it.
Or pink. Sarcasm could definitely be the new pink.
I like that you support your opinions so thoroughly. It makes me agree with them. I like the way you guys think and it totally makes sense.
I never understood why people waited for precisely the reason you mention: how will you buy clothes? But, your post is so clearly articulated that now I feel like an asshole for thinking that.
Keep on keepin' on. Sounds like you and your wife have your shit figured out and couldn't be more on the same page.
I have a 2o month old son that has deep blue eyes, dark red hair, pale skin and the longest eyelashes you have ever seen. I have been told many many times that he is too pretty to be a boy. WTF can't boys have pretty faces. It makes me so mad!
In terms of toys I think it's quite cool that most developmental toys for the first year are gender neutral. He is actually more interested in going around the house getting into stuff than playing with toys anyway.
Oh and you can bet that if we have a girl next she'll be wearing his $60 blue Nike shoes! They're too expensive for just once use.
Tessa is beautiful, I found your blog about a week ago and I can't actually remember who linked to you but I keep coming back.
It is really interesting.
When I was just a girl, my parents didn't have lots of money and I had a basic white bedroom with a pine bed. I don't remember having any pink clothes, except for a pair of pink legwarmers when I was going through my Flashdance faze.
I grew up to become a law librarian and I love pink...but I always had a grandma trapped in this body for I love to bake and sew.
My Mum and Dad have always been suprised at what I enjoy for they can't do any of the things I like and don't know how I learnt it to begin with. My Mum's cooking consisted of ham steaks that she started cooking 4 hours before you had to eat them.
My sister had a bmx bike and buried all my barbie dolls in the back garden one day. Go figure.
Now I have my own daughter. My husband and I left her bedroom white intentionally so that she can pick her own colour later on and at the moment she loves purple. We did the same for my son and his bedroom is orange, red and green.
Audrey loves to play with cars and trains but she also loves her baby doll.
I don't really know what to make of what I have just written, only that maybe it is already in you all along, in your makeup, to be the person you are going to be.
PS - my husband was delighted when we met and I was a law librarian. He was devasted when he found out that we are not all porn stars underneath.
I didn't want reams of pink to be dumped on us either.
I wanted and pictured bright colours, rich colours and the odd white. I requested these colours and baby shower gifts before the birth were all in pale mint greens, and soft soft yellows.
Of all our pre-birth gifts we only got one rich colour; a fuzzy tangerine sweater. It got so that I found myself actively looking forward to some pink clothes for a splash of colour that wasn't pastel.
As for gender roles, we follow our daughters cues, she likes to paint and draw, she like animals, and she likes to play with her toy workbench and hammer nails and wrench things and screw other things.
We refuse to buy her Barbie or disney princess crap. She gets it from others and I figure that if she likes these gifts that's as far as we have to take it. As long as it hasn't come from me I can feel good about the gifts she receives from others as she's going to pick up our values as she grows up.
It's interesting to see all the same concerns spring up with you that were ours too. You do have common ground out there.
I really like this idea. When you mentioned it on twitter before Tessa was born, I thought you were completely outlawing alll pink, which I thought was a tad extreme! But you've obviously not done that. I have a question, though. Will she wear dresses as a baby?
I work at a daycare, and there are several parents that absolutely forbid their children to play with certain things. Some people are so crazy when it comes to their children. Which I understand, of course they love their children. But you need to use a little common sense, too. Just because your boy child plays with a Barbie a few times as a child, doesn't mean he'll be gay! Or if your daughter plays with a truck, doesn't mean she'll be lesbian or a tomboy! (I don't think there's anything wrong with being a gay or a tomboy, by the way x) ) They're just kids. Kids have wild imaginations, you shouldn't limit what they can do with that.
learned the sex of our second baby. didn't tell anyone. who was surprised when our baby arrived??
US!!
he was a she!!
dancing all around. b/c big brother now had a sister.
truly the most wonderful day of my life.
i have so much admiration for people that can wait to find out the sex of the baby until the birth, but i find nothing wrong with finding out (it is a surprise either way, right? just at a different time?) i loved knowing i was having a girl last time and i'm so excited to find out what this one is next week. but good work on the holding out!
as for the gender specific issues, we are on the same page. in fact, pushing societal "norms" on babies in general is a big deal to me, and to you, as it sounds like you and cole have discussed all this. i make a big point to not project my personal fears (spiders are sooo cool now ;) and biases onto my daughter. i hear other moms say things like "mommy's don't do trains, daddy's do trains" and i cringe. or i see people dressing their infants in princess stuff and i die a little. i see people put plaques on their baby boys' walls that say "brother won't you shoot hoops with me?" and dressing them in sports stuff and shudder. i hate when people pierce their babies' ears. i can't stand the disney juggernaut (a side of the baby industry juggernaut i've already bashed) assuming that i will do free marketing for them by plastering my kid and their stuff with their crappy images.
my own personal favorite baby color is white :)
that all being said, when i was pregnant the first time, i hate to say it but i felt this pinkness shining out of me. i felt this need to wear a little pink myself. i was obsessed with making my six beautiful blue hydrangea plants in front of the house pink. a burning love of pink flowers around the house replaced my usual green and white flower choices. not in a sick make-the-whole-nursery-pink-and-buy-everything-pink-way but in a subtle inside light kind of way. i can say til i'm 'blue' that i don't rationally believe that girls should be forced into the pink, and i personally don't dress my daughter in a lot of pink and her room is neutral, but it was undeniable at the time. it was practically feng shui for me:) but then again, i'm just like that.
when she is old enough to ask me for pierced ears and princess stuff and disney paraphernalia (while at the same time hopefully climbing trees and checking things out under a microscope and getting dirty - or to be honest, anything that makes her happy) i will make some kind of compromise and deal with it at the time. until then...
Screw being "prepared", I didn't need to be prepared, I knew no one who is handed a newborn is prepared, even if it is not your first. I wanted to know just because I wanted to know. But I can respect your decision. Whatever you do, people will bitch. When we found out, people told me, "that just ruins the surprise" but no, moron, it was still a surprise, just earlier.
I say no to pink and fluffy, especially the onesies with a hood and teddy ears? Are these clothing designers thinking baby's are not cute enough we must make them resemble a stuffed toy? I don't get it!
I am all for the comfort factor, my little 1 year old gets people confused all the time because she has a skin head and rolls with her 2 big bro's, she wears baggy jeans and converse because they are comfortable for her.
p.s to the comments about baby head bands, they should be illegal, are they not the most humiliating thing to adorn your baby in. Brain Crushers, yes! They look like a wedding garter that the husband removes in symbolism that he his... well about to deflower his wife...
I think at the end of the day the color of the clothes has absolutely no bearing, it's what you teach your child about the world and self respect and goals and ambitions. When I was little I loved nothing more than to put on a cute dress and go beat the boys at a game of tag or soccer because my parents instilled in me that it was how I behaved that made me who I am, not what fabric I was wearing.
I recalled reading about gender and color, so the Geek in me had to go and find it for you:
"At one point pink was considered more of a boy's color, (as a
watered-down red, which is a fierce color) and blue was more for
girls. The associate of pink with bold, dramatic red clearly affected
its use for boys. An American newspaper in 1914 advised mothers, "If
you like the color note on the little one's garments, use pink for the
boy and blue for the girl, if you are a follower of convention." [The
Sunday Sentinal, March 29, 1914.]
"There has been a great diversity of opinion on the subject, but the
generally accepted rule is pink for the boy and blue for the girl. The
reason is that pink being a more decided and stronger color is more
suitable for the boy, while blue, which is more delicate and dainty,
is prettier for the girl." [Ladies Home Journal, June, 1918]
That being said; as a new parent myself, I have instilled a rule in our home. "for as long as i wipe the butt, I decide what to put on it." Which means that my son has slept in rainbows and floral and pink striped jammies since that makes ME happy. He has also slept in firetruck and orange jammies because it makes his Da happy. And of course, when he does gravitate to specific colors, we will do what we can to help color his world his own shade of happy.
Oh... And that photo of LB is the reason that I came across and continued to read your blog. It is one of the best and truly priceless! (All the best to you and yours.)
Seriously, Ryan, what are you really worried about: "I am quite aware as she gets older, and develops tastes, and wants, and interests of her own that I will most likely have to endure some type of fairy princess phase." Endure? Really? That's pretty harsh. What's wrong with celebrating any creative, joyful phase, whether it's fairy princess or super hero ninja?
I can tell you that my daughters both went through that pretty pretty princess phase, and are now college aged, forward thinking, feminist proud young women.
Right now, the fun part is that is doesn't make any difference at all. A friend of mine was so enamored with girl baby clothes (as opposed to boy baby clothes, which are mostly hideous faux sport uniforms) that she dressed her son in pink dresses for months. Is that bad? And if so, why?
I am the most non-girlie girl ever. My daughter refuses to wear anything other than princess dress up clothes, skirts and dresses. I don't know where she got it, but she has that girlie pink thing going on.
I agree that it is stupid to find out the sex of a baby to buy the right color of clothes. However, as I am sure you are aware, baby clothes is SO gender specific in most cases that even when you pick out non-pink clothes, it is still decidedly girl or boy with a few exceptions.
You just keep going on! This is the best part about having kids is that you get to do it the way YOU want to. Then, as they go through phases and they change, you change along with them. In some cases you may change your mind in others you won't. YOUR kids, YOUR decisions. Rock on!
precious.
My mom dressed both me and my sister in pink dresses (sometimes matching) with those little lacy headbands. And we both went through a pretty heavy fairy princess phase. Here's the thing though while I was going through my princess phase I was also playing basketball, running track, and swimming; not to mention reading voraciously and writing my own stories. My sister would dress in her fairy princess dress with the matching wings and play with her dinosaurs while she watched documentaries on ancient Egypt.
My point is your daughter's not going to be one thing. She's probably going to like pink and frills and want to try on her mother's make up at some point in her life. But that doesn't mean she won't like sports or archeology or read feminist prose at the same time. Princesses and fairies and pink are all a part of the girl culture (a small, sometimes annoying part, but a part none the less) and just because you dress her in that color doesn't mean she's going to turn out to be "that girl." Believe me you're a much better father than that.
Thank you for that post. I don't have kids, but I've always supported that idea that girls shouldn't be forced to wear pink and be girly, and guys shouldn't have to be involved in sports and like manly things.
I like all your posts but this one for some reason stuck out to me.
You're an awesome dad for giving Tessa that option.
She's going to have the rest of her life to figure out whether she wants to give a shit about other people or just do what makes her happy. Screw pink! Until that pretty pink princess phase. (Seriously, all girls have that moment. Unavoidable.)
So happy for this new little treasure in your lives. I cried with joy for you both. Can't wait until I have the pleasure of being a baby cannon, too.
We didn't know the gender either and it was the greatest. I felt so satisfied just preparing for a baby and not preparing for someone I had already given a personality because I knew the sex (and I would have been had I known). But I have to admit the pink thing did have something to do with it as well. I just couldn't stand people calling my girl a princess and insisting on getting her girly girly things before she was born. Most people got our "we don't want pink things"-memo, but those who didn't will have to live with their presents never being used. I cannot dress my girl in the pinkest of pink to please people so if I don't like it she'll never wear it.
All little girls don't have a pretty pink princess phase, even if the "majority" do. I have one that never did, and probably never will. In fact, I suspect both my kids (1 boy and 1 girl) were born in the "opposite" bodies. We love it, frankly. It's very refreshing.
i'm a (new) mom, and i'm right there with you on the pink. we knew we were having a girl, and i specifically asked for "no pink." and i think everyone who knows me realizes that ruffles and lace make me want to vomit. of course we ended up with some of that, but at least it's minimized. her room and all the apparatus are as gender-neutral as possible. my husband jokes that she will turn out to be super girly just to torment me. and that is fine, but at least she will have acquired her own tastes.
as for finding out the sex, there was no way i could have held out. all her things are gender-neutral, so it wasn't so i could decorate or buy clothes. we honestly didn't care which gender she was, but i needed to know in order to give her a little identity in my mind. so that when i was singing to her and talking to her i could think, "this is my little girl." also, i needed that morale booster to help me through the horrible depression that pregnancy laid upon me. i needed those 5 months to bond with this little person, having a vague idea who she was. that's just me.
what we kept secret was the name. partly because i didn't want to hear any smart-ass comments about it being "weird" or give anyone a chance to try to change my mind. frankly, it took until right before she was born to even agree on a name, and if we had had to pick a boy's name too, this child probably still wouldn't be named (and she's 2 1/2 months old)! [we went with gemma meridian].
so i say right on. color should not define a gender. actually, i've had strangers come up to my girl, all decked out in her pink finery, and ask if she's a boy or girl. stupid.
Hey Ryan! I never post here. I read Cole's journal on lj. I'm aktdeco over there. ANYWAY...one of my Flcikr friends has been fighting the good fight against the pink too. I thought you might like to look at her screen. She's the only woman I've ever seen who has successfully won the war against the frills without losing a leg or ending up with PTSD.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/snoopygirl/sets/72157614407545491/
Her nursery is awesome too.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/snoopygirl/sets/72157605303975208/
I'm sooo with you on this! I hate the projection of pink 'because' it's a girl. Our little lady's nursery will be sage, red and blue. I have banned pretty pink things with teddy bears and frills.... much to everyones horror. I have also banned winnie the fooking pooh.... I can't stand it! Now, if my little girly chooses she wants to wear pink frilly stuff, she can, but I'm not making it her uniform!! My man has already brought her a football shirt with her name on the back ... :)
I totally agree.
My two year old daughter wears pink and skirts and has dolls but she also has blue/white striped clothes, green t's with anchors, adorable dinosaur pj's and a bin of dinosaurs and cars and trains.
I'm not worried about her gender idenity. She's a bright little gem who dabbles in everything :) sounds like Tessa will be too!
genius. you said everything my brain thought about knowing the sex of the baby and the unsaid in my brain things that were waiting to be acknowledged. i think i will wait to find out the sex of my future baby too. it's the excitement of the unknown, but also the fear that hold ppl back. we are creatures of comfort, and often don't like taking risks unless we know whats in store for us. i think thats why ppl feel uncomfortable when they don't know if it's going to be a boy or girl. we like to know things.
man,reading some of the comments have me a little surprised at the fierceness! whatever parents think is cute, they should put on their future baby whether if it's pink,blue, yellow, or green! i don't think we should ban certain colors, but EMBRACE a variety of them. yes, i can agree that it would get tiring looking @ the same color/shades/hues all the time.but i wouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth,if you catch my drift.also, whatever future children wants to play with, so be it. no limits. whoever said that playing with barbies/trucks will NOT turn them into gay/lesbos was right! if children are open-minded, then so should we.besides,it's one less thing to worry about. lets just love our kiddos and support them in whatever takes place in their lives.
I think the outside world is the hardest part about rearing your own children. I don't have kids, but one of my fears around having children is them being introduced to other kids whose homes don't share the same ideas and values. There's nothing wrong with how you two want to raise your little girl, but I think it sucks that you have to meet so much head on traffic to see that it happens. As you are well aware, there are so many other bigger hurdles to work through with children.
Kristen
we found out the sex of our bub, for one reason - we had got it into our heads that we both wanted a boy. And to get rid of any disappointment at birth we thought it best to find out at 20weeks and get over those feelings if there were any. And there were, when we found out we were having a girl. But they lasted a couple of hours and then excitement took over and the whole boy thing didn't matter anymore. Its amazing what we had talked ourselves into, silly really.
I'm really not into the pink thing, we are deliberately not buying pink stuff as this pads out all the pink gifts people seem to buy us. I figured all our whites/greens/blues etc will dilute the pink so that our girl isn't a giant pink marshmallow! I agree and don't want to force pink on to her, there are so many fantastic colours out there - she can choose, but i do wonder if it will be pink anyway and thats fine. I can see where you are coming from with the fairy princess stuff, my husband wants her to still have lego and trucks and cars to play with aswell and I have to agree, I don't want to deprive her of those boy-ish toys as they were some of the best toys I had when growing up with brothers.
Love your posts, keep them up - you keep me sane in waiting for our girl to arrive...
When our son was born, I would dress him in pink all the time. In fact, my favorite outfit for him was a pair of fuzzy pink footed leggings and a hand-knit sweater with flowers embroidered on it and a pointy hood with a pink pom pom.
Whenever someone gave me heck about it, I'd sweetly tell them that it won't make his penis shrink into his body. He's STILL A BOY.
He proudly announced to everyone until he was seven years old that his favorite colors were pink and purple.
And my son? A very masculine, "typical" boy. With the bang bang bang and the Star Wars trivia.
His Dad and I have always tried to remain gender neutral with him. Children are who they are. No matter how hard we try, we cannot make our son grow up gay. He is who he is.
I say, stay strong with your feelings and convictions about gender roles. Your friends and family could learn something from you!
~Opal
It would be easier to avoid the pink if there were more options out there for babies. It drove me INSANE when my daughter was a baby. Somebody needs to tell the clothing and toy manufacturers that they are killing us with all the pink. I often did buy boy clothes just to get away from all that pink. I also bought her legos, cars, tinker-toys and dinosaurs. Now she is almost 6, and she has always hated the stupid princess dress that her grandma bought her when she was 2, her favorite colors are yellow, orange and silver, and she is obsessed with dinosaurs. She also loves to play with her baby dolls, although it is not unusual for her to push her dinosaurs around in her stroller instead of her baby dolls. For Halloween, she has chosen to be a pirate and a firefighter for the past two years. When Halloween rolls around it's nothing but princesses and fairies as far as the eye can see for little girls, and people don't know what to think of the little girl firefighter. That's another battle somebody needs to take on. If my daughter gravitated towards pink and girly things that would be fine with me to a certain degree, but I'm pleased to say that she is turning into a fine little person who loves wearing her yellow boy's t-shirt with a scary T-Rex on the front, with a skirt and pigtails.
I'm more of the "don't dress my daughter like a tiny 16 year old" thought. I hate clothes for little girls with sequins, glitter and phrases like "Cutie" on the bum. (Fight the cutesy talk all you want, when your 18 month old say Oh Crap on the phone with her grandma, you'll change your tune!)
There are stores that sell thong underwear for five year olds. What FIVE year old is worried about a panty line?
So, bring on the pink, baby blue, and chocolate brown as long as it isn't embellished with rhinestones and glitter screaming "Pedophiles please read the lame phrase on my child's bum."
Just catching up on all your new posts ryan - and jut wanted to comment here. When my sister's 2nd daughter was born, and they named her ROSE, I knew she was going to really get the pink treatment, so I bought her a leopard print layette and crocheted her a dark deep purple afghan...and I think it took - she is the greatest little tomboy you will ever meet! my sister curses me...
I was catching up on your last couple blog entries and my 18 month old just walked in and started grinning at the pictures of Tessa. He's quite smitten, the one of her sleeping keeps provoking "nigh' nigh'" from his lips and he lays on the floor and repeats every time I show him that picture.
As for the pink/blue debate, I was just sick of powder blue before he even got here (he was a surprise to us as well) we didn't do away with such colors because we thought it was forceful of a gender, we just don't like "baby" blue or pale pink.... I didn't realize it until recently but we pretty much have all gender neutral toys, musical instruments, blocks, stuffed frogs, mice, ferrets and other various woodland creatures, yet this boy has taken a sudden turn toward being obsessed with things generally seen as more masculine. Anything loud, mechanical and something he can make a tough face over is now an obsession. Go figure...
not knowing the sex of my baby was my favorite part of the pregnancy!!
it was such a magical moment when he was born and my husband announced that we'd had a boy!
Hey! I love this post. We didn't find out the sex of our baby and we loved it. It's so true, people tell you a bunch of things that don't make sense at all.
Our son is 1 year old now. He loves cars. Anything with wheels. He saw a little car for the first time when he was 7 months and since then he's just been so into cars. Now, the other day he played with a little kitchen set and he loved it. I want to buy one for him. I don't think you have to be a girl to have one of those.
I agree. Let your infant find her own way. If sparkly pink rocks her boat then great - but let it be her decision...LLGxx
I'm right there with you on that. You're only a week or so in though- things might (I said might) change for you.
I've had my opinions on this in the past.
Here: http://www.phillymomsblog.com/2009/03/non-mom-judgment-how-pink-princesses-bringing-down-feminism.html
and here:
http://blog.gracobaby.com/2008/06/24/my-little-princess/. In all your spare time ;) check it out.
Let's just say I may have caved.
I'm 8 months pregnant and we also do not know the gender. My God has it been tough not to just call and find out!!! Sometimes I want to know SO bad. Thankfully my husband has kept me from going insane over the sex of our child.
I love what you said about the pink stuff! We have already gotten a lot of hand-me-down clothes from friends and MOST are blue or green or other "masculine" colors and everyone asks, "well what if it's a girl?"...umm, well then I hope she likes BLUE! I'm not going to NOT put my daughter in blue simply because it's perceived as a "boy color". Stupid!
Also, as a kid I played with GI Joe's and Tonka Trucks and almost ALL boy toys and I turned out fine. I hated barbies, I HATED dolls. Polly Pockets were the shit though lol.
omg!!! love, love this topic. i'm a huge fan of not shoving pink down the throats of baby girls and blue on boys. i've had this conversation with many a friend and it never ceases to amaze me how worked up people get! personally, when we have our little ones - i intend to keep things as gender neutral as possible in that first year especially. let kids figure out what THEY like for chrisake! love to you, cole, LB and the tessa darling.
Before I had kids I would have completely agreed with you. I was certain that I would never dress my daughter in frilly uncomfortable dress and bows. My then MIL would go on and on about painted an armoire all pink for her bedroom so was majorly relieved when I had my first son.
Now that I have 3 boys I'm sort of busting at the seams with boy stuff. If I ever had a girl I think I would put her in pink and headbands. No, her entire wardrobe would not be pink and her headbands would be small and cute not those uber obnoxious ones that everyone around here puts their girls in before they can even hold their head up.
Have you read this article?
When I saw it I instantly thought of this post:
http://www.newsweek.com/id/214834?from=rss
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