WAIT!!! Please I'm begging you don't buy it.

My fellow Americans,

Please take a moment to sit and reflect and listen to my plea. I am calling for the boycott of the Snuggie in the interest of National Security. Please encourage friends on the verge of this purchase commitment to hold out. Don't give in to this hysteria. I can't believe this is happening. I can’t believe I have to write about this.

You know the Snuggie?! The idiot proof blanket for Idiots.

If the mass ordering of the worlds shittiest “invention” doesn’t stop soon you know what will happen? Do you realize what you’re turning this product into? The "Snuggie" is going to be the innovation that is held up and applauded as the invention that made it thru the deepest recession of our lives. How humiliating. A blanket with sleeves is what championed us thru our darkest economic times, The Snuggie becomes “the thing” that America just couldn’t get enough of? What does this say about us? How far have we fallen?

We are a few hundred orders away from hearing Ali Velshi question the validity of this recession on CNN because of the relentless consuming of the Snuggie: “Well if the numbers here are correct on recent Snuggie orders, it would appear that America has the purchasing power and the consumer confidence we need to weather the storm of this global economic fallout.”

Think of our American History.

I can hear the VO on the History Channel for Modern Marvels...

"People were scared, running out of money, had no idea if they were going to have a job when they woke up in the morning, how they would feed their children, pay bills, keep their homes, uncertain times called for some form of clarity, and America found that clarity and answered the 1-800 call of the Snuggie. It could not be ignored. It offered an embrace, warmth, security, and total ease in answering their phones while wrapped in a blanket on the couch. It was in all cases recession proof, a friend. Our answer to bad times. Hoorah for the Snuggie."

Please people. I’m begging you. You have to stop wearing and using these things, it counter acts any positive work President Obama is doing fixing our reputations abroad. He is going to be sitting there with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and talking about disarming nukes, and Ahmadinejad is going to bust out a picture of Americans wearing these fucking ridiculous things at a baseball game slapping high fives and say: “Clearly your people have lost all respect for themselves and have no shame. How can I trust and coexist with a Nation like this?”

Wearing the Snuggie is an act of war. I am going to consider it treason the next time I see you in your Snuggie I am going to have to hang you. I hate to do it. But I will. For the love of our country I will do it.

I mean seriously… okay I am taking it too far with the hanging thing. But wait. What if things keep getting worse and we do end up going thru some horrific Great Depression and we are forced from our homes, and mass layoffs ensue, and we all end up living out lives in shanty towns, and are huddled around camps eating beans out of cans and burning tires for warmth. When our children’s children look back at the archives and pictures from this time, do you really want them to see us looking like this?

It’s just SOO embarrassing.

And I wasn’t going to tell you this. But seriously, the Snuggie was totally invented by these guys…



That's right. I'm sorry I had to tell you the truth.

I mean come on, you don’t have to be one of their secret members to know that these people have been parading around in racist soft fleece for decades. They totally invented it for all the same reasons you lazy asses have been buying it. They were running around at night in the cold and they needed to be able to do evil unspeakable things with their hands and still be wrapped up in the comfort and warmth of a blanket. So I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t feel good about wearing these things now that you know the dark shameful back story.

Our country has come so far. I think it could be the spark in a tinderbox for a new cival war.

Think about it this way. When they come to evict you from your house. Do you really want to be caught at the door wearing your Snuggie. They're going to take one look at you and lose any little piece of sympathy they might have had. Come on ding dongs can we use our money wisely. We don't have much left.

All the Love in the Universe ~ Me

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A Discussion

Anyone care to weigh in and discuss this Headline: "Mother of Octuplets has six other children"

Is this the height of American greediness? Is there possible mental illness involved? Or just a severe need to cuddle? Perhaps just a mother with a lot of love to give? Maybe a last minute hail-mary replacement by TLC producers for a friendlier less cunty Jon & Kate plus 8? Should a woman that already has 6 children ranging in ages from 7-2 be allowed to undergo fertility treatments? Along the same lines of Doctors saying no to patients that want excessive plastic surgery, should Doctors intervene with a guiding nudge to better judgement in cases like this? Is this too touchy of a subject? I'm sure all 14 of her children will be just fine during this recession and receive the finest of health care and attention with tax payer money, all will be cozy living with both her parents and the 14 kids all piled up in their 3 bedroom house. What does she tell the first 6 kids when they ask to hear the story of their new siblings?! How will the story be told?

Well, Mommy wanted a new baby to love... so she had 8 embryos implanted into my tummy and I prayed and prayed and a miracle occurred and all 8 of them took hold and grew into love, and that is the story of how I had 8 premature babies that need around the clock care and attention." And then they all go AWWWWW and life is great! Well, ain't that America.

Am I being a judgmental insensitive asshole? Or is this just as weird as it seems to me? Is it just bonkers to me because I think it will be hard to take care of 2 kids let alone 14? It's unimaginable. Once you have 6 kids what's 8 more really at that point?

please discuss. please.

Oh and a good read/rundown/rant on Jon & Kate plus 8 over at My Therapy. She also provided THIS FUCKING MIND BLOWING LINK

After reading that CBS article and freaking out I realized why I was so upset about all of this. I feel so guilty bringing a child into this messed up creepy world right now and am trying to protect and ensure my family is safe and secure and then you have someone like this running around baby collecting. If she gets a show out of this I think I will explode. On the spot. Little smoke puffs pouring out of my shoes will be the only thing left.

End rant!

* I am taking the hilarious Duggar photo down just to be sure that we aren't sidetracked here. I only put it up because it makes me laugh endlessly thinking about a clown car. However the Duggar story is entirely different from this news story about the Octuplets. So I edited myself. Just like that. Continue discussion please.

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The Recession Garden and the Filthy Carrot

So I was on the phone gossiping with a girlfriend this morning trading war stories about kids and cleaning dog pee, and getting all the morning chores done, and I was complaining about being out of breath from my hectic morning and just then... I realized... what little tiny shred of manhood I had left, had almost evaporated in that very conversation. I wanted to hang up. Drink a six pack, download some porn, and go out back and take some shit apart in the garage, with some tools, and maybe even build stuff?!

What is happening to me?

Cole and I had started a garden in September and it was a total rot fest as I have mentioned here before. Our first attempt at an organic garden was a good lesson, but almost everything died. It was either infected with fungus, or devoured by worms and bugs. Only a few things survived, and they were finally wiped out by a hard freeze last week when FL was iced over with record lows reaching 25 degrees in our backyard. The only thing that did survive was a pumpkin, and a batch of carrots.

So we ventured out and let the Littlest Buddy pull carrots out of the ground and we we had a sink full of carrots.

Now what? Well... I decided today that I would make Cole a Carrot Cake and did the best I could. Holy shit! It took me 3 freakin hours to make this delicious moist home grown carrot explosion in our mouth. And I am sick from all the cream cheese frosting (which I had to make twice because I ate so much I didn't have enough to finish icing the damn cake).

OH! and...

the crown jewel of the carrot harvest was this filthy little growth I discovered, a long hanger, when I washing up the veggies and realized what I was holding in my hands. It was a jaw dropper. With such rough times I thought about the possibilities of taking this little freak show out on the carnival circuit for people to see at a Dollar a gander. I could grow all sorts of these little porno prizes for curious town folk. What do you think? I could call him Frankie Jenkins and make him a little top out of beets he could march around in.



Well I ended up just shredding the penis man and added it to the cake in the hopes that it would make it taste even sexier. So this is the end result sitting on the counter waiting for Cole to come home and devour it with the Littlest Buddy. I wish someone would have told me how messy it would be to crush roasted walnuts and coat the sides of this cake. It was an epic fail if you could have seen the kitchen floor.

So here it is. The first cake I have ever made. pay no attention to the lopsided top. it looks totally fine



Tomorrow I have some shoots to do. One just for fun, and one a potential on going project for a super talented friend who makes really rad leather goods. We are building a small seamless cyc studio for his smaller hand items. Thank goodness I am going to hang out with a dude tomorrow and build shit with our hands and maybe even spit and cuss and stuff. Here is a link to his leather goods... Makr

Wish me luck.

All the Love in the Universe ~ me

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The Big Pretend (I Only Watch Funny Movies)

* UPDATE - New article on Call Centers


Tell me exactly how far we have slipped as a society when people are deciding that the only option left after losing a job. A FUCKING JOB! Is to murder their entire family and then take their own life. This isn’t some isolated oddity that snuck into the news. It is a repeat offense making National headlines weekly. It has momentum. It’s the fear. It’s crashing. An example that it’s becoming a crisis in places, a common occurrence, is that it’s become so rampant in LA that the Mayor of Los Angeles made a plea to the community to seek "mental health alternatives" and support when job loss occurs.

Really? That is the compassionate call to the community. I mean I understand the intent behind the statement but come on. We have to do better then this. Think about the stuff NOT making the news. We just get to hear about the mass slaughters, what about the parents losing to stress and striking their kids, beating children, and fighting each other, and walking out on marriages and responsibilities. None of this is okay! Spare us the shock value of the murder suicide story and stop reporting in this irresponsible reckless way. Tell me how fucked up ALL of it is, we can take it. Maybe everyone will collectively stand up and start grabbing hands and helping. If you turn your back on your family and your promises, then you have no place here. You don't get to run from this. We are all rapidly approaching the same boat. If not thru straight up job loss, then job security, wage cuts, bonuses gone, we are quickly approaching common ground. We are not making enough money to live in the way that we are told we should be living.

Let me say that again. We are not making enough money, so we can live the way that we have been told we should be living.

The stress will not kill us, will not divide us, IF we are acting as a community of people that are waking to the fact that we do not need all of this stuff. Then we will not only rise above this financial doom, we will forge new ground and a new way of life. Realign our priorities. Stimulate our humanity, not our bank accounts so that we can keep purchasing and tumbling towards the epic fail.

I woke up to this murder/suicide story staring at me from my computer screen this morning. This man that murdered his entire family. The blame for this desperate act has to be spread around equally. To everyone. To all of us. Doesn’t it? Aren’t we the supportive community? Wasn’t there a time when people would rest their woes on friends and neighbors and we proudly took the responsibility of building one another back up from scratch when times were tough? Does this exist outside of the doors of the church? Many of these cases were carried out by people of deep faith. What could these people have been praying about? What is the church telling their people? What did God say to the man that decided he would slaughter his 5 children and his wife before he blew his own brains out rather then persevere and trudge forward and find a way to keep his family intact and safe.

Oh I guess that was the Devils work right? That man must have just strayed from the flock?

This “progress” we are living thru is really starting to irritate me and I have the feeling that it would be a better idea to throw out the TV’s and Video Games and Disney Worlds and burn them at the stake for casting their evils. Happy children come from happy Parents. So are we forcing face for the kids, or are we really happy and laughing and filling hearts with genuine golden love and light heartedness?

More then not I think kids are being plopped down on their fat asses over eating and feasting on processed food, drinking 98% chemicals and 2% juice so they can stay awake watching shit like My Super Sweet 16 on MTV wondering why this spoiled girl is cussing out her parents for buying her the wrong sports car, and simultaneously wishing that they had parents that were as stupid and bullshit to give them anything that they swore for. Meanwhile they text their friends how cool the episode their watching is on their Sidekicks, while they wait for the new Jonas Brothers to finish downloading onto their I-pod and ringtones for their cell phone while they are checking their Myspace page a thousand times to see if anyone is talking shit about them on some blog somewhere because they don’t dress hip enough at school to make the top 20 coolest people list. All of this is happening while the parents are in the other end of the house with their hands in their hair trying to figure out how they are going to be able to pay for all the extras that they have been programmed to believe they need.

It’s all fake. All of it. We don’t need any of it. Our kids need us to be happy and keep our shit together. And keep them away from this bullshit.

Deep breath…

I am certain I am ranting about stuff that nobody here wants to read about. But that’s the problem and I will risk losing readers to say it. Most people don't want to hear about what’s really going on it seems. It’s like the asshole that refuses to watch anything real about the world because it’s depressing. People beg for blindness so they live without the burden of reality. To maintain their smile, their soft touch. They can't know about Darfur, or Somalia, or Uganda, or curable diseases wiping out thousands of people across the world.

I am pretty sure everyone at this point is figuring out that things are going to get bad. Don’t you think it’s fucked up that the only way that these geniuses are figuring out how to “save us” is to stimulate the economy so we can keep buying shit we don’t need. This country doesn’t make anything anymore. If we cannot consume, we perish. What do we even make that the world needs? Entertainment? Seems like lately our main export is war. The entire idea behind pumping more cash into the country is to stimulate us into confidence, to keep consuming. It’s a monster that we have to keep feeding, or it’s going to turn on all of us and kill everything we know.

I have questions.

Why are we a nation that needs to be lied to in order for us to keep smiling? How long can you pretend that creating cash out of thin air and borrowing from China isn’t just creating a new even bigger problem that can’t be fixed. The really paranoid person in me thinks they are just stalling long enough until they get that underground city built so they can all run and hide and keep living the life they created, when all the rest of us start to turn on one another and tear this place apart.

I just want someone to walk into frame on the TV and start telling us the truth. Just look us in the eye and say look everyone. We’re fucked. This is why. This is how. And this is what we are going to have to do to get out of it. We are all in this together (and truly mean it).

How much longer before our sports stars and celebrities will take a pay cut. I hope they don't collectively take pity on the poor and down everyday Americans and show their great sensitivities of our economic crisis by dressing down this year at the Oscars and slipping quietly in the back of the Kodak Theater rather then parading their luxury down the red carpet. Are we really going to feel better if the guys don’t wear tuxedos and the girls take off the diamonds? How insulting. Please use your celebrity in deeper more responsible ways.

This was sparked by the story of the man who killed his entire family from falling to madness over money, and I have been watching CNN stumble around speculating on the passing of this stimulus package that is basically just pouring gas on a raging fire if it passes. Every time a single dollar is printed and circulated into our economy we are being set up to fail.

We cannot spend our way out of this. Please present new alternatives. I am all ears. I have nothing but hope for this Country and for the new President. But at some point someone has to start leveling with everyone here about what's going on. We have to break habits and start working as One Nation again instead of separate households trying to get a piece of the pie. We have to start being nicer to one another. We have to care more about our neighbors. We have to watch out for one another.

All the Love in the Universe ~ R

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The Random Grab Bag Post

A Thing:

I got this in the mail today. It was the last frivolous purchase we made and I pushed it thru on the legs that it was a very wise and careful investment. So when it showed up and the cover was all jacked up, and it was a 2nd printing I was ready for a fight :) so I was all in a nerd huff and fired off a calm collected complaint and the owner of the comic site wrote back a simple and nice response that just said: "Sorry for the problem, we will send you another one right away." Now THAT'S America!

Also:

I have been doing a huge amount of Internet TV watching and it got me thinking and wondering how many of you have started the zombie walk to the joys and escape of Internet Television? Lately it has been all VBS and I have to say it is endlessly entertaining. Who wants in the club? I need someone to laugh with at the water cooler.

One of my favorite shows is "Drunk History" basically people get shit faced on copious amounts of alcohol and are near vomiting as they talk you thru historical events that are reenacted in dream sequences by various hilarious stars like Michael Cera and Jack Black. Pretty obscene and genious. If I was teaching American History and wanted my students to pay attention I would be slapping these up in class.



They have a good selection of shows. I mean at the end of the day it is a total hipster station and a vehicle to push the Vice brand but I am totally fine with that. Nobody is being shy about it.

And This:

I took a picture of Cole when she was sitting in the sun yesterday.


And Then:

This is the last week that she has been able to squeeze into her old clothes so we have had to figure out ways to come up with some money for her to get some new clothes. So that girl is going shopping. I am excited for her. She has been squeezing into skinny jeans and her boobs have been falling out of her shirts this past week and enough is enough.

And Then:

In shitty news. The Littlest Buddy puked his face off at school today and we got a call from the school to come get him. When Cole went in to retrieve the little guy the school nurse decided it was a good time to launch into a speech about how we are fucking him up by teaching him to use sign language, and how he will never learn to talk because of it. I am considering the repercussions of driving to the school tomorrow, shoving a rag in her mouth, taping her mouth shut, sitting her ass down, and explaining to her how it feels to not be able to communicate, instill the fear and frustration that occurs when you have no way to express yourself. Would I get in trouble for that? Is that too much?

I am not sure how someone could be in that profession and be that insensitive and calloused. She actually believes The Littlest Buddy isn't talking because he is being lazy?! And she is working around kids why?

And Then:

Speaking of the Littlest Buddy I found 2 old pictures in a folder labeled funny faces.




And finally:

I am amazed at what happens when you take footage of some old 60's jump suit wearing, stacked hair, white women, dancing on a sound stage, and slap some modern day hip-hop behind it and how every pelvic thrust and hip wag is magically transformed into Miami Bass booty dancing.



All the Love in the Universe ~ Me

*Now that I am all deep breaths and logic I wanted to say

The Littlest Buddy goes to a really awesome school and we LOVE his teacher so much and his Speech therapists and everyone really that has a hand in teaching him there, this was the first bad experience we have had, and it was with some lady in the clinic that we NEVER see. It sucks that she has this old mentality, but then again she is ancient :) but fortunately rarely has any contact with LB unless he is being a pukeface.

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Watching the News, Finding Work, My first unemployed Monday

I am on the computer. CNN is on. Thousands of "jaw dropping layoffs" announced. I am looking for work. This report is not giving me much confidence that people are going to be looking for photographers anytime soon. Then... Obama strolls into frame on the TV (that I think we need to cancel cable on to save more money) and tells us all he is trying to create millions of new jobs. I believe he is trying, but I also know that this first plan was designed to fail, designed to be voted out. It was a show pony. Something needed to be presented immediately to create the illusion that help is coming, but nobody can wrap there heads around what's going on and what to really do to save this crash. I just hope the plan improves as new drafts are written, instead of the last assfuck that just got worse and worse, draft after draft, until it was pushed thru on fear mongering and pressure and it has done nothing but stoke the fire.

These are just my opinions. I know very few people agree with the way I think. So I will stop here about the economy and how fucked we all are. ALL of us. Maybe we can all agree on that. Can we?

Meanwhile I did get a good hard laugh from the black sheep of Illinois... the soon to be impeached Oprah loving Governor Blagojevich.

I fucking love how insane Blagojevich is getting, complete mind numbing denial. Like some crazed girl that refuses to give up her first love. Just keep insisting things aren't over and nothing was done wrong, and never ever go away, just keep showing up every day and act like everything is cool, and you will get to keep living your life the way you want? Is this the idea? I can actually picture this guy clinging to his desk being drug away and him screaming he didn't do anything to deserve this. I mean, he is just really going for it, and I love that about him. He decided he would just be a complete sociopath to avoid the reality that he screwed the pooch on his Governorship. Which in this day and age means you get to be a guest on Larry King. Which seems to be the National Confessional lately. How many disgusting liars do we need to see sit across from Larry and lie their asses off? I wish he would get tough on someone.

Press: "Excuse me Governor Blagojevich what is your reaction to your upcoming trial?"

Blagojevich: "What trial?"

Didn't George Costanza employ this tactic once to try and avoid being dumped so he could make a grand entrance into a ball? He just avoided her calls and refused to be broken up with. It didn't work.

People amaze me. Good luck Rod. Shine on you maniac.

So people have been asking me what I'm going to do about work?

I will just say this for now. Tons!

As my career is taking a dive, the rise to my fall, Cole is starting to get some time at the salon away from being an assistant and getting to bring in her own clients. This is a big step for her. And right out of the gate has herself booked up solid. I couldn't be happier, and I'm so excited for her to start flexing her creative muscles and get relationships going with her clients. Funny, I guess some people have come into the salon and recognized her from this blog. "Hey that's that blog girl with the little boy" so strange.

We are going to start doing some collaborations together again soon. Cole and I are. Both of us. Together. So we can show off what she does, and what I do. Possibly starting a new blog to detail the hair work, makeup work, and the photography. I had started a business last year that I shut down called the Porch Light Collective. We have only done projects a couple of times and need to get back to it. It really helps the both of us. We were using Model Mayhem to find models but it proved to be a life suck trying to lock in a schedule when you found someone you liked. Here is a shot from the very first shoot we did together and another girl from the salon did the makeup. Keep in mind. I have no studio, and no lights, this was done with a reflector and a flash mounted on my camera with a crappy soft box.

That money tree I planted has not begun to sprout, I am starting to think that the guy who sold me those beans for the tree was full of shit. So yeah. I am in that exciting place of new plans for the future and they are starting to sprout and take shape and things are actually looking good. Cole has been hearing me on the phone pacing around and making plans and setting up deals and I think she is getting a kick out of it. I hope she is. I love being in this mode. When you can't find what you want waiting for you out in the world, put your head down and fucking make it yourself.

I still feel rusty writing in this blog. That week off was huge. I did mange to fire off a "Dear Foxbury" to Steve last week and waiting for a reply... but now I'm in a panic because all the jokes I used are all dated and everyone has already blogged about the Obamas fisting all over the blogsphere a thousand times. People are being hit upside the head with twitter links and blog updates so quickly these days that a joke is dead after 15 minutes. People are like "GOD, I saw that 20 times already I hate you."

Sorry internet I am trying to keep up.

All the Love in the Universe ~ Me

OH! Wait. Cole sends love and thanks to all of the compliments and sweet comments on the 17 week pictures. And to the comments that compared her belly picture to an American Apparel ad... you obviously don't look at enough of their ads. If that was an American Apparel ad her legs would be spread wide open and she would have had socks on up to her thighs. Geez :)

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Week 17

And so the belly pictures begin

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Photo Assignment 2

Photo Assignment 2 at the Pacing Room.

I have been thinking long and hard about this next one since I had so many requests to do it again after the success of the Dead Tree Project and I wanted to follow it up with something really super.

I have to say that my favorite idea excludes my readers that do not have kids, and so I had to find a way to make this next assignment work for everyone. So I figured I would just split this months into a choice. You get to pick A or B and run with it.

Assignment A: Remember these? Disposable film cameras? Well I want you to buy one and give it to your child/children to play with. Tell them to take pictures of whatever they want. Whatever they think looks cool. It can be around the house, on an outing, anywhere they want, and then get the camera developed and the pictures put on a disc. Take a look and pick your favorite one. And send it my way. Kids see the world so differently then we do, and it always amazes me to see what they take pictures of. I noticed they are fascinated by geometry and see shapes in things we don’t even notice. (no helping parents). I was asked to do some volunteering for a group of kids here in town and plan on dropping this project on them. If I the timing works out I will submit some of their pictures into the assignment.

Assignment B: Since the kids are taking such random stuff I thought it would be cool to mix in some abstract images from whoever chooses to take Assignment B. I have been taking pictures of our house for an upcoming post and thought it would be cool to see some of your nooks and crannies. So the assignment is take pictures of your house. However, focus in a little tighter then normal, the little things that make you smile, give you comfort, that you mention to guests. The bells and whistles. Maybe a corner of your house where colors collide and personality pops. Not just a snapshot of your walls but capture the details. You get the idea… get shooting.

So Let’s say it is the 23rd of Jan you all have until Feb 6th to get me pictures. Send them to my email posted on my profile. That is 2 weeks and it gives me the weekend to get them sorted and presented and I will post the results on Monday Feb. 9th. Sound good? Any questions fire away in the comments section. And please spread the word so we get even more pictures. Anybody on your blog roll you think would enjoy either Assignment just mention it to them. I am glad people wanted to do this again.

Something cool to point you at. This is an amazing group on Flickr I joined that called for personal messages to Obama that you should totally check out for inspiration. it got so popular and the pictures were so great they are turning it into a book.

Treat yourself.

All the Love in the Universe ~ Me

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Warming Up

If you’ve ever experienced motion sickness while out at sea, you know that it creeps in as a funny little feeling like a bad tuna melt, and within minutes, turns you inside out and on your ass, and you start to think that there has never been a time in your life that you have ever been THIS sick. You puke, you moan, you pace, you sweat, you stare to the horizon willing to trade just about anything to get back to dry land… and then once you’ve suffered and cried, and are filled with sick--you make it back. And within just a few deep breaths of being back on shore with your feet on solid ground, you feel right as rain and the pain memory is all that is left.

This is very much how I felt after all the love sick missing of my wife that was going on this past week. One smile, one giant hug later, one listen of her laugh, one look into my eyes, and I was back. I was home. I felt like a normal human being again. All of that silly unstoppable longing and bellyaching vanishes the second I am near her again. My body just knows that everything is the way it should be and my heart slides back out of my throat and into my chest, slows back to beat, and my stomach lets go of the knots and I feel calm again.

I’m back.

So I glanced at my reader and realized that there is just no way I am going to catch back up to everyone and get thru all of these blogs I missed. I also got quite a few emails I need to give attention to… but my main focus is the job front. I am not one to sit around and feel helpless. I am doing what I have always done, I will work the bar to stay afloat and take as many camera jobs as I can scrape up, and in the meantime since there are not any jobs laying around for me to fill, I will make my own. I have 5 things that are all cooking, some are on a slow simmer and others are at a boil so I have this writing thing ready to go… and will follow thru on the “I am going to make my living being a writer and photographer.” And actually, it shouldn’t be long until I get to start announcing where you will be able to start reading my first book. Some things transpired this last week actually that will get it out sooner then I thought possible. I could scream I am so excited about these developments but will save it for another time.

One thing I realized when I got back besides forgetting my phone, losing my ATM, and not bringing enough clothes with me, I totally forgot to write a damn letter for the next segment of “Dear Foxbury” I had so much on my mind, and was so consumed with the Redken job that I just forgot to do it. So I apologize. I am on it. duh.

The Littlest Buddy was hilarious today when he saw me for the first time. He threw his backpack off and came tearing ass towards me like in a movie. Big hugs and high fives and then he went right back to business as usual and started asking to watch “Wow-Wow” immediately. Cole got home from work, and now the both of them are passed out napping like this is the best sleep they have had since I left.

I walked into the house to a surprise last night. Our place has been sitting unfinished for some time now in various states of completion, and the big project was our kitchen counters being installed, which prevented us from being able to put in our dish washer, and now. Holy shit I could have cried. I am so fucking sick of washing dishes, I know that makes me sound like a spoiled bitch, but I haven’t lived in a house with a dishwasher in over 10 years, maybe longer. So I am so ready to abuse that power and luxury.

So with that said to get back to the swing of things with the photo blogging I am going to do a big “this is our house” post and shoot the shit out of our space. Our recession garden is ruined. The 25degree hard freeze two nights in a row turned it all into a mushy black mess of death.

I feel so rusty from taking a week off besides the drunken post I spit out in Vegas and need to get caught up before I am back in the swing of things around here. So consider this the warm up bog.

I guess I should leave you with a quick story from my trip to Vegas. But it is so much better in person so you can see the reenactment of this little 5ft Hispanic gay dude trying to score men in the bathroom of the Mandalay Bay. I’m pretty sure he was a prostitute. It was such a hilarious pick-up tactic, but so very creepy.

Basically he would act out of his mind drunk and stand anywhere from a 1ft to 2 ft away from the urinal with his big ol’ cock out, swaying and staggering around pretending to be trying to piss, but making eye contact with guys as they would walk into the bathroom. He had his pants down past his ass with two hands on his dick swinging the thing around. It was basically his billboard, a little show and tell, a sample of the merchandise if you will.

But yeah, I pissed about 3 times during the course of this party and each time I went in he was in there swinging his dick around staring at everyone looking for takers. If you went to the last urinal in the line... he would stumble down stall-by-stall closer to you. It was so unsettling. The last trip to the bathroom I rushed into a stall and locked the door and then instantly started to panic that he was going to slip in under the locked door and I would be trapped in there with him, you know with him trying to give me the “hard sell” if you know what I mean. He was aggressive. And a creep. But it made for a funny tale at the bar.

The last time I saw him I noticed he was sitting on a bench just across from the bathroom and a group of dudes went in and he took off rushing into the bathroom for another performance. Not as subtle as the female hookers sitting at “Eye Candy” in the Casino that just simply employed the old lip licking, sexy eye contact, swirling a half empty drink thing. Pretty lame but very effective. It would only take them a few minutes to find customers as opposed to ol’ dick swinger in the bathroom. Oh Vegas, you skanky bitch.

Thanks to everyone that commented and stayed around here while I was gone. I am so happy Cole got to post despite feeling so sick all week. The Blow-Job mints seems to have been a hit and I was really glad she was able to lay out a healthy description of why LB is so silent. She did super and so awesome that she did that for me. Well, I have a lot of reading to do. See you all around blog land.

All the Love in the Universe ~ me

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Ryan is home...

Ryan is home, I couldn't be happier. all future posts will be from him. See you all out in the blogisphere. Peace and Carrots.

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drinking and writing

*discalimer: 6 vodka waters, 5 hours sleep, no dinner

1-2-3- Start.

I’m in Vegas.

Working.

Still working.

I lost my ATM card at the BIG party for the show. IN VEGAS. Natasha Bedingfield was the guest. We had a picture with her. Like the Fergie one. She lied and said we were the best looking group. My joke for the night was that she grabbed my ass during the picture. People belived it. She was sweet.

Back to my bank card. I cancelled it immediately. I have no cash. No credit card. Nothing. I am a fucking idiot. What am I 13? Spanking please.

How is the job going? Great! I’m good at what I do, and my bosses are even more spectacular.

The first fistful of stress was choked down and whisked away to the appropriate already achey pains … steady as they go, as the good ones say. I need the slow stiff walk to keep me from breaking into a sweat. The sore feet and stiff limbs makes for a confident stride. NEVER RUN when a mistake occurs. You always look unglued, even if you’re running to fix something with speed. It just makes you look panicked. Don’t even jog. Just stroll to it with purpose.

Stride up to the problem. Take the time to roll up your sleeves , and THEN get to it.

Have you caught the spark? When was the last time you could even smell it in the air? It smells like lightning right after a rooftop strike. My heart keeps pumping and strutting that blood around this body so… I can do what now? I have the days, I have the ideas, and the support, and the belief that they can be done. BOO! That didn’t work.

BOO!!

Nope.

Not that time either.

I started to make up lies for myself for all the mediocrity. When your ideas are as grand as mine and they are still just words you start to feel like a cheesy fucking asshole that likes to spit about the good days to come: if I only… ya know, if I just could, ya know if it wasn’t just for that one thing that I could have done… if that one thing maybe might have happened… if only I would have had the chance to say that idea that could have changed… everything.


Their needs to be better records kept of what is happening. And not just random blogs that poop out when the alcohol has erupted like tonight. I am talking about a finer pen to pen… and a much bigger time deposit for this year. We all have The Myspace, The Facebook, The Twitter, The Blogspot, The YouTube, The Podcast, The Live Journal, The Flickr. We all have the Internet right? We are just reading each other all the time. We all have the pile of possibilities started for 2009. I want to know ideas and goals. The real ones. Not your bullshit resolutions that you blurted out. The creepy shit you keep to yourself. And the dreams that you barely let out anymore because you’re afraid they will sneak away with the wind it takes to admit you even have them anymore.

And I’m not talking about the windbags that blow on and on about all the big things they will do. I want to start bugging you guys about where you want to be by the end of the year. How many of us really pull it off. How many people do you know that can say: “ ya know I’m really going to do it this year!” and then actually do it.

Maybe if there is some specific attention being put out on progress, then the score will go up. Like a flow chart tends to work in most huge corporations that make piles of cash. It’s not a fucking competition, but wouldn’t it be great to make some great shit happen this time. Who wants in?



I am out of Gas.

Again.

Don't share your drinks and forks with others, and remember the penis has been known to carry germs. Let’s all be careful out there- - Goodnight.

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Pillow Talk

If I could afford to say sorry with diamonds, you’d sparkle like a Saturday night disco darling.

When you’re the pilgrim sitting in excess and the lanky linger of splurge is licking her lips, batting eyes, and dipping a curtsey at you filled with the grace and sickly sweetness of a first kiss… my cheeks fill with the heat of blush and my eyes weigh down from bashfulness. I am the asshole that will forget the sleep and the chance to recoup, for just another 5 minutes of the embarrassed belly laugh from the come on. That is Vegas. To me. Every table I pass, the lure of fortune. The lie of chance. It just affects me. I have to make an effort to fight her off. I have never ever been able to resist it until now. The difference maker being that I know that there is nothing to win here. The fantasy fortune is sitting at home in FL with a stuffy nose and a pregnant belly and numb mouth from blow job mints.

I already won. For me you can’t win anything here better then what I have.

I am ending my 3rd day and I have managed to keep the coins and the bills out of the hands of the casino. No gambling. NO gambling. NO. None. My one roll of the dice at piles of free money is this… I have a cup in my room that I am placing the loose change from the days necessities that I’ve had to purchase like: an 8 dollar pack of smokes, and turkey sandwiches from the corner store when I forgot to eat dinner. The plan is to collect the pile, and then dump them into some dumb novelty sized slot machine the day I leave, so that I can hit the jackpot! And finally buy my wife the silly things in life.

What does that feel like to buy your life things just to do do it? I’ve seen people doing it in movies, it looks pretty awesome.

When you finally find harmony you can whole-heartedly forgive the steps that it took to reach it. I am figuring this out about life. Just now figuring it out. For real. As in this minute. Loving my wife is making me a nicer person. Not to sound smart ass but I just wrote the line and realized that it poured out on its own because it needed to. I really am learning not to sweat the small stuff, which I think people really struggle with these days. I know that when (not if), but when, we are faced with problems there isn’t anything I couldn’t ask my wife to do.

I am fading fast. I am on no sleep. I am sore. My brain is fried. I miss my wife. I just do. I say it in my head all day like a creep. In the middle of a meeting, or an errand, or a walkthrough… I just realize that I keep repeating that line “I miss my wife” over and over and over again-- like a creep--in my head-- until I feel fucking bonkers.

My eyes are slipping. I just nodded off.

There it is again. The vision. Always the Ocean, well almost always a body of water, if not an Ocean. It has been a pond before. Point is, the little top is bobbing along getting brutalized by the will of water and it keeps fighting to the top. It keeps winning. As small as it is, it’s solid, it’s mass, it fights back. It wins. It is loved. You always have a chance when you are filled with great love. You don’t always have to rely on something physical to grab to stay on top. You just have to have heart.

Goodnight darling. Sorry if I didn’t make any sense.

All the Love in the Universe ~Me

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Goodnight Never Never Land

I am so tired. I made it to work today, and it zapped every last bit of my energy. I call my midwife, and asked her what I could safely take for my runny nose, as I did not want to snot on clients. She told me Sudafed. Seriously SUDAFED? Isn't that the stuff they make meth out of? Well that is what this guy at my work told me after I swallowed the pill. I don't doubt her, it is just funny to me that the one cold medicine that makes me feel stoned out of my mind is the safe one to take. I am looking really pregnant today. I wore one of Ryan's shirts to work. I am sure I looked real snazzy. I am home, I am lonely. I am homesick for my husband, I wish LB was not at his dad's. I know you guys wanted dirt on Ryan, but it is hard to think of things when I miss him so much. He isn't going to like that I said that, I was told not to post anything mushy. I am off to bed, I have every intention of waking up not sick anymore.

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who the heck are you??

Hi, I am Nicole I am Ryan's wife, I am mother to LB, I have a little sprout kicking around in my tummy. I work at the best salon in Orlando. I have a little black pug named Diesel, who also answers if you call her Lisa. We all live in a house together. I am dearly attached to my parents, and I have always been a daddy's girl. My husband and I are a great team, and when we do projects together they come out great. I love the beach, and I love the sun. I don't think I will ever get tired of doing hair, or being a mom.

Okay okay, the point is, I don't have any idea who the heck you people are, or what you do, or where you live, or if you have kids, or pets, or how you make your money.

Fill me in leave it in a comment.

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Mints for a blow job?

Here's a funny story for you.

When Ryan and I first got married we realized that the local sex mega store is really close to our house. Then I realized that Ryan hadn't been there before. So I was all, "We have to go, we have to go! I can't believe you haven't been there." So one night we went to dinner and he just randomly drove there afterward. I was excited. Everytime I had ever been there I have had a hilarious time. So we went, we laughed, we made fun of things, and when it came time to leave we felt like we should buy something, but then we realized that all we could afford were some dumb mints and two little packs of lube that warms up when you touch it. But whatever, that is what we bought. The mints sat there forever. One day I wanted a mint, and I thought, "Ah Ha! We have those porn mints!" I ate one, and really quickly my mouth went numb. What the...? I read the package, and started laughing. It said that the mints were made to numb the gag reflex so it would be easier to "deep throat" HA. Also if you didn't want to use it for that you could just put the mint and the wiener in there at the same time so he would "last" longer. Anyway we never used the mints. Two nights ago, Ryan's first night out of town, LB was sound asleep in bed with me, and I couldn't stop coughing, my throat was on fire. I started thinking of all the candy we had in the house. All we had was licorice, and I don't like licorice. Then I remembered the mints. Oh my goodness, the best cough drop I have ever had. That mint numbed my throat better than halls ever would. I couldn't help but laugh that the first time I had a real use for the porno mints was when Ryan was out of town, and I was sleeping next to LB.

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Dear Ryan

Dear Ryan,
Love, please help me. Where is my retainer? Where are my glasses? Where is that buckle thing for my pants? Where are the rest of Diesel's bones? How long do I cook a roast for? Where did those cough drops go? Have you seen my leg warmers? How did I get along before you came along? I miss you. I really can't wait for you to come home. Well, at least you know that I will be very busy searching for all of my stuff while you are gone.
Love,
Coleface

speaking of before we met, here is a picture of Diesel and LB the early days... lol

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Verbal Apraxia???

I have noticed since Ryan has started this blog that there has been a lot of curiosity about why LB uses sign language, why doesn't he talk, and what the heck is apraxia?? Please, all of you who have asked, don't feel rude or out of line for asking. I wish more people knew what it was, so it didn't sound so weird. So it would be more accepted.

When LB was about 5 months old he was showing some signs of being globally delayed. I wouldn't have noticed for a while, but his aunt is an Occupational Therapist (OT) for pediatrics, and she picked up on it right away. Some of the things that were "weird" about LB, and if you have kids you will probably agree, were:
at 5 months old, not holding head up on his own, not able to sit, not cooing.
He was also a late smiler, he didn't smile until 3 or 4 months old.

At 10 months his aunt told me that she thought that it would be best if LB went for an evaluation to see if he qualified for therapy. We went, and he did in fact qualify, for speech, occupational, and physical therapy. We went to the clinic 3 days a week for 3 hours each day. That is a lot of therapy for a little guy. He was then given the diagnosis of Hypotonia, which is a big word for low muscle tone. This is also something that will follow him for the rest of his life. Basically what it means, is that it will be harder for him to build muscle than it is for other people, not that he can't, it is just more work. I know it doesn't sound like a big deal, but here is a typical LB scenario that proves that is an everyday annoyance.

LB will be at the park watching some of the other kids climb this "funny" ladder. When I say funny I mean it isn't the typical straight ladder with rungs, it has foot holds in random places, but by no means is hard or complicated for a 2 year old to master after a few tries. LB goes for a try, he gets up on one step, and it starts to become apparent that he can't do it. Now if I were to take him to that park and work with him on that ladder for two weeks he would build up all of the muscles that he needs to climb that ladder. (It sucks when parents look at me like I have over babied him, and that is why he looks scared that he is going to fall off, but really if I don't go and grab him he will fall off.)

The reason I mention the hypotonia is because speaking is the most complex motor function humans have. Between the diaphragm pushing air past the vocal cords, varying level of sound and tone, the tongue, cheeks, lips, and jaw. All of these things need very cooperative muscles. It is not uncommon for apraxia to accompany another kind of delay such as hypotonia. Pure apraxia of speech (meaning all by itself) is very very rare in children, there is most often an accomplice.

Ta-Da, that brings us up to speed, pretty much. Now at four years plus five months old LB is not speaking, has a little bit of trouble with some of his fine motor skills(tasks you complete using your hands ie: puzzles, eating with a fork, holding a crayon) He also has small delays in gross motor (jumping, running, tumbling, playground play) Most are not noticeable unless you are really paying attention to him at the playground when he is trying to do something that is hard for him.

I have been hearing about apraxia since he was a tiny little thing, but it cannot be officially diagnosed until 4 years old. Before then kids aren't brainy enough to take the test. Basically what they are testing for is making sure that it isn't a cognitive, delay, or some kind of comprehension problem, or plain retardation. So they tested LB, the doctor would ask him questions and had all sorts of cards with pictures on them, basically she was testing to see that he could understand perfectly well what she was asking him, that he understood the way things work. It was refreshing to hear her say, "Wow, I have never seen a child without speech have so many other ways of communication." She was mostly talking about his signs, and if he doesn't have a sign, he will make one up and make sure you know what he is saying. So, LB is smart, he has a brilliant little brain in there. But it is stuck in there until he can effectively communicated with people.

Now I will tell you what apraxia is. It is a neurological disorder, that keeps the brain from sending messages to the tongue, jaw, mouth, etc. People that have had strokes or that have been in accidents that caused head trauma can also become apraxic if the injury is just right. The absolutely odd thing about apraxia is that the apraxic child can say the words, they can make the sounds. If LB is off in his room playing by himself, not thinking about saying something the word might just slip out, or sometimes he will get excited about a book and see something and he is focused on the book, so the word will come out. This is what really gets Ryan. One time LB said as plain as day, "Alligator" and he has never been able to say it again. There is something going on in his brain that blocks the information from getting that, and concentrating on it makes it worse. If you ask an apraxic kid to say something it is common for them to silently search for the right position for their lips or tongue, for them to look frustrated. Or what happens most often with LB is that a sound that is completely wrong will come out. LB can make the "b" sound, but only if it is followed by the "o" sound "boo" He cannot make the "o" or the "b" sound independently. I could go on forever with all of his little speech anomalies. I think Ryan posted about it the other day, but about a week ago LB just started saying "ALL DAY" so, that is just one of the things he can say without a problem.

I saw a youtube video the other day that I liked. It was of a little girl with apraxia who was doing quite well, but it gave a good idea to what it sounds like, and how laborious speaking is for these kids... Here it is:

The mom that posted this disabled the embedding option, but you can follow this link
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MirFA2F7EMM

She is doing very well, and looks to be quite a bit older than LB but still doing very well.

The last thing I am going to mention is that LB just got approved for an AAD, which is a computer that will speak for him. I will post more about that later. I hope this was interesting, and informative. Ask any questions you have, I promise I won't be offended, even if it is something like, "What if he never talks?!?! Do you worry about that?"
Later Freaks

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Boo-dar (booger)

LB has figured out as of today how to pick his nose. He will then hand me the booger saying, "BOO-dar" :) No no no little buddy, your deal with your own boo-dars, I have a nose full of my own.

Speaking of noses, today is also the day that I got my first nose bleed of the pregnancy. Whoo.

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short and sweet

Here is a little e-mail I found from Ryan this morning.

a sad goodbye. you two are sick. forgot my phone. I'm an idiot. full flight. a miracle occurred. the only empty seat on the plane was the one next to me. Slept 3 hours. phantom farter somewhere near my row. worse then the poop that made you puke this morning. Caught a ride with Bry who had a car service. check in. really a suite? Can see In&Out Burger from my window. drooling. First meeting. Pre Con. Met every single dept head at Manadalay Bay. Champagne toast. Get to work. Say hi to the artists. teams. leads. crew. handshakes. back pats. hugs. Our truck rolls in. Bry and I are the only two to unload it. Got help from an awesome dude named Raul. I love him now. 2 hours to unload the set pieces. Room Lead meeting. all of the packets I emailed out printed out fucked. why is everything at least 1 mile apart from the next. The Casino is dead. Must be the skank shift. Styx is warming up in the arena next to our meeting. They sound awful. Have 20 minutes to walk the mile back to the room to change into "nice" clothes, to jump into the “party” bus, to head to The Palms, to enjoy the last decent meal we will have the rest of the trip. Ate like a P.I.G. on the 52nd floor of the Palms in Fantasy Tower. 7 course meal. amazing conversation about how america is dying while overlooking the view of the multi billion dollar new "city" casino in Vegas. Takes up half the skyline. Turned down the club tonight. to come back here. so worried about your fever. Hate that I'm not there to help with LB. I feel like we haven't hung out in a year. 7AM call. I hope my phone arrives. text me as much as you want tomorrow. I. Miss. YOU.
Call me in the morning to tell me you're okay.

I love you so much - Ryan

I mailed him his phone yesterday, hopefully it will be there before noon today like they said. I miss his voice. I really can't wait for him to be home.

I called into work today, I hate calling into work. LB isn't in school. School is closed today, but even if it was open he wouldn't be there.

Yesterday my dad took care of us all day. How did I get so lucky to have such a sweet man for a father. Really lucky. He cancelled his plans with his friends yesterday. I over heard him on the phone, "I am going to have to cancel, my daughter is sick, and so is my grandson. I am going to stay home with them today." He went out and bought us medicine, changed the sheets on the bed, made dinner. My brother and I are pretty lucky kids.

I am supposed to be eating 80grams of protein a day. If you haven't ever kept track of that before it is a lot of protein. So far today I am up to 32grams. I am going to have a protein shake, or there is no way i am going to make it. Apparently the better you eat while pregnant, the thicker the umbilical cord. Ryan said," I want that cord as thick as my ankles." I doubt it will be that thick.

Alright little kiddies, I am off to be a mom for a few more hours, and keep this damn fever under control.

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There it is, that is the tell tale sign that I am sick. LB standing in the dark living room staring into the TV like a zombie. I think that he is feeling much better than I am. I will send him to school tomorrow, he has miss enough. Ryan is missed around here. Even the dog misses him. LB has been bringing me books asking for RyRy. I keep telling him that he went on vacation. He is so cute, he will do the sign for airplane, and make this whooshing sound. There is no way he can comprehend him being gone for a week. I am trying to think of some fun things to do on Monday since there isn't any school, and dammit we better not be sick anymore. Before we settle down for the night, I wanted to leave you with some pictures of LB. After meeting with the midwife, it had me all excited about babies, and I went back through some of his newborn pictures.

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He is gone and I am in charge...

Hello friends (since I am not allowed to call you all freaks). Cole here, taking over the controls for the week. I had a big ole elaborate beast of a post all figured out, unfortunately I have been struck by a case of "DEATH BY PRESCHOOL!" If you have a school aged child you know what kinds of disgusting sicknesses can come home and attack. LB has it, and so do I. Lucky for the little guy he can take whatever medicine works best, I am stuck to dumb Tylenol. So will leave a quick lil thing to keep everyone updated.

First, we met our midwife yesterday afternoon. It was just what we both needed. Ry and I both were living with a lot of unrealized stress. You know, saying that something would work out, and nothing working out for so long. This woman took a lot of weight off of both of our shoulders. We asked all of our questions, and got all of the answers we were hoping for. Here is the best part, we finally got to hear our little monsters heart beat. I laid on our couch while she showed Ryan how to check my fundal height, and how to feel where my uterus is. Then she pulled out the old doppler, and there it was wanshawanshwansha tears in both of our eyes. We waited a pretty long time to hear that sound, and hear someone say, "This is a strong baby, a really healthy baby."

After she left, that is when I started to feel sick. I passed out pretty early. Ryan and I didn't get to hang out at all last night :( He did however sit with his hand on my belly long enough to feel the little bit give him a good kick in the finger.

I don't mean to be a drag, but I am so sick. I am shivering while I type. I need to see if this boy is interested in a nap.

One last thing. LB pooped in his sleep last night. This morning I went to change it, and it smelled so bad I puked. I couldn't believe that happened. That has never happened. The last thing Ryan did before Vegas was wipe up poop.

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Meteorites Come to our Skies to Die

*okay I lied. THIS is the last post before I leave. Tomorrow Cole takes over, and we decided that since we will be writing one another emails and messages anyway, rather then using the phone to stay in touch, due to the late hours and the time difference, we would just post the exchanges. Don't worry I am sure she will still manage to post some dirt in here somewhere. So to kick things off, my goodbye note that I would normally write on paper and stick somewhere for her to find, instead I stuck it here and she can discover it this way. What a surprise to find

It’s all the little things they say that glue us to one another. And little by little that hold can wiggle away by the force of the bigger things if you let all that stomping around shake you free from the grips of this great love.

I happen to carry around the belief that “nothin is gonna shake us free.” I keep it handy, and sometimes wear it in my toothy smile or put it behind my eyes if I think that someone should see it that needs reminding that these eyes have landed, and have a home. They never quite shine like they used to unless I’m looking at you.

These past few months of tougher days of big decisions has had us suffering some. Mostly of fear and uncertainty and that's normal (so says everyone). These days are testing bonds and pulling at tolerances. We feel shaken because we are being shook up. That’s just the truth of it. We are not living on easy street despite the shelter, food, and clothes. We are surviving by creativity and the long reach of love from family. I don’t hate these times because they are important lessons. I am not fearful of falling apart or being beaten. We are simply collecting these stories to spin for the big long table we are planning for our family to gather round. Our kids get to hear how hard life can be, these are our generations versions of the “I used to walk 10 miles up hill in the snow to school and played with cans and string.” Think about how we are applying my Mother and Fathers just starting out stories. Trying to figure out how the hell they lived off of one whole chicken a week , turned from a roast, to sandwiches, to stew, to broth.

This will be the first week that I can ever remember feeling truly sad for leaving anyone. I never used to get homesick or sad to go. I am so filled with wanderlust that any kind of trip or travel has always trumped any feelings of love or longing that I might have had before meeting Cole. I hate that I am not going to be here for you to help with The Littlest Buddy and to see your bump taking another step towards being a full round pregnant belly. Why couldn’t I have gone when you were in that mean ass grouchy first trimester haha Man I’m funny.

So much to do. We have so much to do and your husband is stomping off to Vegas with his rowdy buddies to finish a job that has barely paid our bills for this little slice of paradise we are living. When I return I will be at square one again. I have the bar for back-up and my camera and this keyboard to make us all the money we will need to keep going until your career ignites into a stride. Things are going to be so great for us. Just keep feeling the love and the joy and take focus off of worry and fret. Find ways to take naps while I’m gone. Don’t try and do too much. I just want to know that you are relaxed and feeling good. I can’t wait to read what you come up with for this blog.

Remind me not to call you at 4AM to tell you stupid stories of the stupid shit we are doing. Remind me not to eat like shit because I will have to go to the hospital when my chest explodes. Remind me that I don’t have to drink just because everyone else is. You won’t need to remind me that I have never ever once in the 10 times I have been to Vegas ever won a single penny at any game I have ever played, the shame of being a constant loser in Vegas is enough to keep me away from the tables. But I did promise Andy I would put $5 on 23 at the Roulette table. And NO he didn’t ACTUALLY give me the $5 but he is good for it. And you totally don’t have to worry about Fergie, she isn’t even going to be here this time. That was a one time thing.

Remember, I love you like monkeys love lice. Like an arsonist loves dried up underbrush. Like a gay man loves Judy Garland. Like Palin loves power. Like a gimp loves a spanking. Like Joni loves Chachi.

So much! I can’t wait to see you next week when the next chapter begins. If you start to get sad and miss me loads just play our song I posted down here, close your eyes, and do what you need to do.

You Rule MY World ~ Me

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Last Post before Vegas

As I set to go to Vegas a place built on waste and spoils and frivolity. I wanted to put this out into the universe.

When the rough times roll down the hill towards town and the bells are dinging their warnings, where do you turn? Do you look to sky, buckle to knees, and start with the hand wringing? Or do you dig in and use your wits to survive? I am guessing for some people it’s a little of both.

When the darkness comes and you find yourself alone scratching around in the murky gloom of our “World News” and our mounting domestic predicaments how are you walking away living your day with this information?

Crisis’s are being laid out before us barely comprehensible to even the gaggles of “top” thinkers assembled to devour and baby-bird back breakdowns and present blow-by-blow analysis of how we all got here. When you’re done sifting through all the pieces, you manage to form some scrap of hope to get you out of the dark. You attach yourself to sound bytes and talking points; you align yourself with faces once unfamiliar, but their insight and knowledge breed security and confidence that it’s possible to prevail. All of this pressure building, realizations that “the man’s” lurky long reach has finally caught up to you, and is now directly affecting your life.

The playing field is leveling out, we are all being brought down to a commonality of anger and confusion, and as it builds, somewhere walking briskly and bold straight for the pack is a spark for the tinderbox. This countries sophistication is being reduced to rubble as news of the money running out spreads like wild fire. In all actuality it isn’t physical money running out, it is the illusion that we all HAD money in the first place, or that we could certainly borrow some of it until we made our own. That illusion has vanished. The pocketbook has been closed, and all of the greedy little hands that have been dipping into the candy bowl taking more then they should, are left now with the bellyache and the sugar fix that can’t be quenched.

Clear signs of desperation are popping up all over the news. Suicides, and murders, and hoarding, and theft, the news reporting that is going on right now is irresponsible to the respect that they are merely perpetuating the fear that is continuing to drive down markets. The last decade has certainly wired us all for FEAR. And now my fear is that the fear is about to backfire and backlash as this country is faced with a real crisis.

Americans are the spoiled brats of the world. I wonder if there is enough humility and humanity left in all of us to come together as a nation. To put aside class, and race, and be there for one another in positive important ways. We have to find ways to notice the heroes emerging thru the top 10 lists of corrupt CEO’s that put us all in this predicament. An example I noticed when the fires were fresh was by a sheriff in Cook County, Illinois named Thomas Dart who was refusing to evict renters in foreclosed homes. An act of heroic defiance, a man who said NO, this isn’t right, I’m not going to carry out orders that displace innocent victims to a problem they did not ask for. The Sheriff remained undeterred by threats from banks about his position as they fired off statements about his moratorium on evictions:

"The reality is that by ignoring the law and his legal responsibilities, he is carrying out 'vigilantism' at the highest level of an elected official," they said. "The Illinois banking industry is working hard to help troubled homeowners in many ways, but Sheriff Dart's declaration of 'martial law' should not be tolerated."
I fell in love with this guy. He was a real life Robin Hood marching around fucking off the system and doing what was right. This was in October. I haven’t seen a story that comes close to this since. What the Fuck is going on here?

This guy wasn’t fighting for people that gambled their money on risky investments, or acted out of greed or irresponsibly. He was standing up for people that pay their bills on time, and have made homes, and are raising families that had no idea that their landlord hadn’t been able to make the payments on their house. And now the banks regardless of who is innocent, just want them on the street, and want their money. How is that an example of being a compassionate sympathetic sophisticated nation?

"These poor people are seeing everything they own put out on the street. ... They've paid their bills, paid them on time. Here we are with a battering ram at the front door going to throw them out. It's gotten insane," Sheriff Dart

The only thing I see on a consistent basis is more money appearing out of thin air. Bailout after bailout just strolls out of the reserve and into the hands of this madness. I have dreamt of all of this crashing. I almost feel like we could all stand to know what it feels like to barter and trade, and lose our obsessions to consume. The fear of that reality doesn’t seem to be teaching any great lessons.

I don’t see anyone on Wall Street chanting U.S.A right now. Do you? America is going to have to eat a big fat piece of humble pie and choke it down with some sour milk that we had to borrow from China. Yikes! Careful what you drink.

I am going to continue to search for my own heroes in all of this, and not rely on the dreamy Anderson Cooper to tell me who’s doing great deeds. I am searching the skies for that silver lining. Now more then ever I need positive, effective, inspiring, intelligent, thoughtful, leadership. Something that I haven’t seen in a long time. And I’m not talking about from executive levels. I’m talking about down on the street. I want more stories like that sheriff in Illinois, and instead we are getting riots in Oakland.

I wish we lived in a country where we would just stop watching but somehow there is an addiction to massacre and we all are transfixed, gawking and wide eyed and buying all of it.

As always and intended the television rules the night, and we are awake, and watching. Silently miserable, secretly afraid, but still somehow not getting enough. Oh, nervous me, it has been a terribly emaciating winter.

Remember kids, nothing is cool (and who cares always wins)

All the Love in the Universe - Ryan

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Getting the Panic Room in order

I just wanted to throw up a quick post to let people that read this know about a couple of things.

1. On the West Coast one of my best Girlfriends in the world had her baby boy today, and everything went smooth, as planned, and all are healthy and happy and awesome. She was with my other best girlfriend in the world who got to actually be in the room and take pictures and gave me a call right when it was all done. So happy for her family. She writes an incredible and honest blog, and you should say hi over at Dooby & The Bean.

2. I am freaking out about this show (my job) coming to an end. I have so much to finish up. I need to get packed. I need to figure out why my computer is acting like it hates my guts. I am posting this right now as a deep breath to get away from CS3 and Illustrator before I smash my lap-top against the wall. I bought this Mac 2 years ago and it's barely hanging on. If this thing shits out on me, believe me when I say this, no matter where any of you might live... you will hear my screams.

3. I'm going to be out of town a little "on business" (how come when dudes say "on business" they sound like liars?) I am going to be in Vegas for the big show we have been producing for the last 6 months. it was a near death experience last time. I think I slept 15 hours in 5 days the last run of this show. Holy Shit we work hard and then stay up all night celebrating about it.

4. While I'm gone losing the babies college money in Vegas. I am going to treat everyone with some treats. First a new installment of "Dear Foxbury" which is hands down the most fun thing I do here. Steve is such a funny guy, and I wish I could talk him into writing his own blog but he insists that he is too fat. I am not sure why that matters? Because he's always eating? Is that it? Here is the last exchange, for any new readers.

But that isn't all I have planned. While I'm gone in hell, Cole is going to stay at her Dads with The Littlest Buddy and my friends are going to take over the house and do some house sitting for us (I loved house sitting for friends and digging thru old prescriptions.) I won't be able to post on the blog, and to keep things hopping I am turning over the oxygen here in the Panic Room to my wife. She was told to just do "I don't know... whatever you want." and so let's just see what that pregnant maniac comes up with. Should be awesome. I might have time to drop an update from Vegas but she will be in control until I am back and recovered.

5. I am going to be bartending again when the Redken job wraps up at the end of the month. I am nervous about being back in this world. Not about being a drunk or anything. I know great people that work at bars, and have such awesome kids and marriages, and so I am not worried about that aspect of it. I am just worried about feeling comfortable with living on cash and not pushing hard enough on other projects. But yeah. Thank Fucking Goodness I found a place back downtown so at least we are making a little money during the transition.

Okay back to work. Sorry about this punk of a post.

All the Love in the Universe- Ryan

P.S. I thought I would actually have the nerve to write leica a letter and reason with them about them parting ways with one of their sweet point and shoot cameras and shipping it my way. I explained how great I would be at blogging endlessly about how grand their camera is and how I love using it all the time. But nobody has written me back. And I hate it when I can't even get someone to say no to me.

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16

If you would have told me a little over a year ago that I would not only be married and become stepfather to a rad 4yr old little boy, but also that I’d be expecting a new baby in 5months I would have brushed you off as a crazy lunatic. And even if I could have imagined being in this 9 month holding pattern waiting for a baby to bounce into our lives, I never would have guessed that I would be willing to keep the gender a surprise, possible names for the baby a secret, and never ever in a million years would I have thought I’d be okay with my wife having a homebirth.

But here we are. Meeting with midwives and looking at above ground swimming pools. The swimming pool thing was a joke. But yeah. A mid-wife. It sounds so old timey and charming to me.

The circumstances involving this decision makes for a long dull belly aching post about sitting on hold for hours trying to get answers about insurance, and Doctors saying one thing and then finding out that in fact they aren’t being up front. The entire experience has been a brutal one to be honest. The more we try to have this baby the way my wife would like, the more of a problem it becomes for us. The short of it comes down to this, I am not willing to end up in a situation where some Doctor decides it’s more convenient to his/her schedule to just induce the labor or cut the baby out so he/she can be home in time for dinner. I won’t let that happen. I want my wife to have this baby the way she wants and so I took it upon myself to start the process of deprogramming my brain about how the entire birthing industry works. To unlearn everything that I have observed about babies being born.

The starting point is to remember that in America everything has been turned into a business so that somebody can make stacks of money from it. Having a baby is a billion dollar industry and as soon as you look at it from that viewpoint you begin to see it for what it is. I am not knocking hospital births; I’m not soapboxing about the evils of corporations. I am just saying the way I was able to be okay with this decision was to look at things in the rawest form. The physical act of having a child, and how nobody in the world delivers babies like they do here in America. So with that said this is the path we are walking. As things develop minds could change, there are factors that could lead us back to the hospital path but for now this is the first time that either one of us have been happy or excited about the way this baby is going to burst onto the scene. So there it is.

If my wife wants to try to have a VBAC and wants to do it at home then I am going to make sure that we have a solid back-up plan, monitor the growth and development closely and not be afraid to bail on the home birth if things look even a little dodgy or if she ends up with a 12lb baby in her 100lb body. She is tiny. I just really want her to feel calm and excited about all of this. If it sounds like I am having a hard time leaving this topic behind and working on a speech here it’s because we have some convincing to do on the parental front. My Mother surprised the shit out of me and has her hand in the huddle and has been emailing us link after link of sources of info and advice. It has been great. So yeah, we are pretty sure that Cole’s Mom and Dad, are not going to be high fiving anyone over this decision and instead feel like a fight is on the horizon.

Right now Cole is in the “office” turned nursery putting together a crib. She has wanted to do this for a month. This week has been extra intense and centered around the new kid. She is showing finally, and I stare at that little bump whenever she sits next to me on the couch and she gets embarrassed. I love it. It’s so freaking exciting I could explode. I took pictures of Cole this morning because now more then ever is the part of the pregnancy where I guess the lady starts to feel ugly and big or something. I read that now more then ever I am supposed to start walking around complimenting her, and getting intimate as often as I can, so that she feels pretty and secure. I hate reading stupid shit like that, it just suggests that guys are stupid fucks that lose attraction for their wives or something. I tell my wife she is beautiful everyday and I don’t do this so she feels pretty. I do it because I think she is freaking breath taking, and I love every extra inch of her gorgeous glowing pregnant person. So just to make sure she can see what I see, we took pictures this morning.

Now she is in the kitchen banging dishes around and venting frustrations about family and fears and my advice I am giving her is just making her more stressed. I should probably just shut my mouth and nod my head and let her get it all out. One of my faults is I am too quick to offer suggestions.

Our house is a shit-hole wreck right now. Dishes piled up, floors filthy, laundry scattered (clean and dirty) all throughout the house, mail and work mess is everywhere, it’s honestly out of control. How did it get this way? I stopped cleaning. Cole has been a happy bee buzzing from room to room dropping little messes all week and just really feels more comfortable in the filth ( she doesn't want me to say "filth" she is not comfortable with that term and is offering alternatives). This is bonkers to me, but something that I decided to not care about. Why in the world people ruin their relationships harping on each other about stupid crap that melts away in the face of anything real or tragic is beyond me. So yeah, just now in this sentence I decided to not care anymore. And upon announcing this Cole started cleaning the house like a wild woman. How did that happen?

So yeah… I am going to get off of this post and go tell my wife she is pretty and then do it with her while she vents about whatever is wrong with her.

All the Love in the Universe ~ me

An out take from today that I just loved, she's like: "what am I supposed to do?"

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OKAY! No Messing Around (#2)

I need a straight YES or NO answer. Nothing else. No stories. No details. No legends. Nothing. Please just leave a simple YES or NO answer, but I need to know. This weeks question is:

Do any of you believe that Jesus actually rode around on a Dinosaur (or the more to the point question to ask minus the smartass undertone and implication that Jesus rode anything other then donkeys), do any of you believe that Dinosaurs existed 6,000 years ago?

I really need to know. Even if you lurk around here and never comment make the exception and just tell me one way or the other. This is really bugging me. This weekends question was inspired by a post I saw over at Miss Grace's Disgrace It reminded me about the hot topic of Creationism.

The results from the first OKAY! No Messing Around where I questioned visitors of The Panic Rooms belief in ghosts...

33 said - Yes
17 said - No

It's important to point out also, that out of 50 or so comments only 17 of you actually followed the instructions of answering only "Yes or No" which I thought became the more interesting experiment anyway. I was glad for the rebellion, the comments were awesome.

My favorite response was from David who said: yes i believe they exist. no i don't believe "in" them

All the Love in the Universe ~ Me

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Tit for Tag

So here it is. I was tagged today to do that thing from your pic documents, from the 6th file, of the 6th picture ... wait let me copy & paste this part from CK's Lunchbox who tagged me today, who I just started reading and I don't think he looks anything like Clark Kent, but his writing is good, and he's funny, so whatever...

Here are the rules.

1.go to your documents

2. go to your 6th file.

3.go to your 6th picture.

4. blog about it.

5. tag 6 friends to do the same.

Mike from the New Lows


This is a picture of Mike from the band the "New Lows" here in Orlando and I like them very much. Mike had recently face planted the mean streets off the front of his bicycle and so he was sporting fresh face rash for his gig (which served him well during his set). I haven't been going out at all, and certainly not to any shows in months, but a friend happened to be in town from the big city and I was excited to catch up and see the show he had put together. This was actually a reminder that I have pictures to finish from this show to turn over to them. The friend was Tyler Gray and he was in town doing a little hometown promoting for his new book out "The Hit Charade" (about Lou Pearlmans "Bands, Brands, and Billions he stole") which you should totally purchase, even though that creepy douche-fuck Bernie Madoff swooped in with an even bigger Ponzi scheme, and stooped to new levels of scumbaggery. Anywho, Tyler wrote a great book about Lou Pearlman and he put together a book reading and the rock band he played bass in"The New Lows" and gave Meh-lando a night of entertainment, and THAT is the story of why that picture is in the 6th folder of my picture docs.

And since you brought it up... Here is my totally unbiased review of the Hit Charade:

Tyler Gray has penned a page burner with his new release "The Hit Charade" I found myself glued to his book and ignoring commitments and chores to devour the 278 pages in their entirety. Finally flipping the last page and letting out a big last gasp as the weight of Pearlman's relentless financial piracy sank in and hit me hard in the heart as I felt for Pearlman's victims and their losses. Amidst all of the juggling of figures, and finances, and false fronts, Gray laid the groundwork for the reader to fully realize the poison that came from the bite of this snake in the grass. Tremendous reporting of fact finding amongst the tall-tales of Pearlman from self made Lemonade Mogul/Newsie to riding his fleet of Busted Blimps to Boy Band Impresario. The biggest thing to note reading about the scheming Porkers life's work, was just how easy Gray made it to wrap my head around such a complex ruse that was Pearlman's "Ponzi Scheme", and how easily digestible he kept it all, without the feeling that the complexities of the ins and outs were being dumbed down for ease of consumption. A well crafted thorough walk in the shoes of a scum-bag schemer.

A sometimes eerie read amidst all of the financial turmoil and Wall Street finger pointing happening, as I realized that this gargantuan liar that was Pearlman, squandered so many fortunes in front of the hot-lights and spotlights of media; with nobody the wiser till it was too late. I closed the book scratching my head and wondering how could this happen? How could this be done unnoticed? Who could do such a thing? Gray avoids speculation as to the motives of Pearlman, and delivers the goods so readers can do their own soul searching as to why another human could intentionally murder the financial lives of so many.

It just plain read well. Tyler Gray's "The Hit Charade" took me on a walk around a carefully constructed web of lies and kept the balance while delivering the facts amongst the spins and yarns that fell from the chubby faced fake. In the end, with all of Pearlman's pandering to be dubbed "papa" by his victims the only thing he managed to father were his lies. Take a bow fat man.

And here is the link to buy it: The Hit Charade

And here is a link to the band The New Lows to enjoy. So enjoy it. Please. I'm serious.

And now the unfortunate business of "tagging" 6 people to do this very same thing. I feel like people will be mad that I am making them do something that they weren't thinking of doing. So here it goes I will try and think of people that might have really interesting pictures. I will avoid picking The Bloggess because we all know about her 6th folder and the stuff she keeps in there. She has her hands too full right now anyway trying to be funny enough to win this Humor Blog Funny Time thing.

So here is my list of 6.

1. Shoplifting in a Ghost Town the super talented photo battle buddy Chloe

2. Your Ill Fitting Overcoat which has her own things to be voted about over at her blog.

3. I want to pick Charmaine over at Middle Aged Dating, but she just started dating a Kielbasa, and you know how new relationships suck the life out of you. Oh screw it lets see what she has.

4 .Here is another talented photographer Megan she must have some good stuff in her 6th folder.

5. Oh and my friend Ern who has a great blog if your into super hip indie chicks that knit, take photos, do amazing makeup, and write clever tales about their lives in Brooklyn. At Love Granny

6. And of course my new favorite blog, that I just can't get enough of Is There Any Mommy Out There?. Treat yourself.

So do I have to go and tell everyone I did this to them? Or am I to assume that they just come here and read my stupid crap all the time? I really feel like I am putting people out here. I am new to all of this tagging business. But I wanted to play nice and it was a nice break from this giant stack of files on my computer that need to be compiled into some very handy dandy production notebooks. Starting..... NOW!

One Tremendous Hug, Your Smoking Gun ~ Me

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Run-Run-Run, Fun- Fun-Fun

Today was the first time since we started doing the Thursday photoshoots that The Littlest Buddy was just not having it. Just after this first pass running towards the lens so I could take advantage of the super awesome afternoon light coming into his room-- he plopped down and became overly concerned with the condition of his 'Plex" doll, after noticing that the last of his 3 antenna's had fallen off. He sat down and really lost his shit over it. It was insane. He started signing "broken" over and over, and rubbing the dolls back, like- ya know, really consoling the robot. And then he just lost it. So I pulled the plug. Shut it down. Cole swooped in, and got to the bottom of his fallout, he cried his little face off for a good 45 minutes. I wish I could cry for 45 minutes straight. Man that would feel awesome.

In his defense, this was the first week he started going to school all day, and with that he lost almost all of his nap and his whole world is upside down right now. We will try this again sometime soon. I'm glad I got something useable so I could keep the streak going. I wanted to shoot his tantrum because it was so amazing, but I'm not ready to go there yet. We do plan to record some of his crying to post because it is so uniquely bizarre... he doesn't really cry like anything I have ever heard. he does this sound like when you make a motorboat sound with your lips. You know what I'm taking about? We will record it soon. It is something he will want to hear when he is older.

Oh yeah and I totally forgot! Happy Birthday Elvis. Sorry they put you on so many commemorative plates. I wish you would have been alive longer, I would have loved to see how you dressed in the 80's. Post your Graceland pictures everybody.

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