I am going to come out of the gate explaining, and let you know I am breaking a major rule I made for this blog before I ever wrote the first post. It was a blanket policy to ignore anonymous comments from anonymous people, no matter what they say, never publish, never respond, never mention, just move on. Then to my surprise over the course of the first few months of writing here, I was not getting any anonymous comments at all... people liked me, they really liked me. Liking or disliking had nothing to do with it at all actually. I could have been writing about how we love to spank regularly, think babies should only drink store bought cows milk, that Sarah Palin is a great female role model, or that God is just a fairy tale that cowards cling to... any amount of controversy I cared to cover back in the early days would have gone unnoticed. Of course I never wrote about any of that, nor do I care to, so unclinch your ass cheeks and settle down. They were just ridiculous examples. If trolls and haters happen upon you, and see an empty comments section they usually move on. Anonymous commentors need an audience for their digs. Who wants to harsh on the lone nut writing rants to nobody?
So naturally when people started to show up and were actually reading this blog, the mean fuckers started to trickle in. It hasn't been that bad and nothing worth raising an eyebrow over, I have been called everything you can think of to my face, why would an anono comment phase me? Aside from hurt feelings the way people hate you can sometimes serve as a great head check, and so I finally received enough shit in one particular area that it made me consider that perhaps some less boisterous stopper-bys might have the same ideas about my family that these assholes have. So I am breaking my rule to do some cleaning up. (It's funny I always label the IP addresses of the anonymous hate comments and watch how many times they come back and check to see if I published their poison, or if I mentioned it. I guess I should thank you for the page views and the hit count you obsessive freaks.)
Long before I had this blog, I wrote about 5 entries a week in my now defunct Myspace account for a good few years. My account was private and friends only, so when I started this project, that is who was reading the content. My friends. Friends who knew me personally and so there never needed to be any disclaimers or explanations before I posted about anything. I refuse to cloud up posts with nervous hand-ringing and falling all over myself making sure not to upset anyone that hasn't been reading from the start. My posts are long enough without all the disclaimers, and the links back to missing pieces. So in making that choice, I understand that there are just some things that people are going to misinterpret. Stuff that they will not have the full picture on.
Our Big Beautiful House- When I first met Cole I was living in a little one bedroom apt that I rented in downtown. She was living with her father in the next town up from me. As we were getting to know one another one of the things she did as part of her routine was stop by a house that her father was fixing up in town, and check on the renovations. Her father among many other successful endeavors, had purchased a modest little house for Cole to live in with LB, a place she could call home and a place she could afford once she finished her apprenticeship and was a stylist at the salon working with her own clients. This was a long ways away, but the house was a good price and they went into it as a project. As the house came along and before I was around LB on a regular basis, we would spend the night together at my apt on the nights she didn't have LB, we knew as things grew more serious that a one bedroom apt in downtown next to bars and party houses was not a place for a little boy. So we knew I would be moving. When we married, we actually lived with her father the first few months while the house was being finished. Cole spent her life savings from working at Home Depot on the appliances and we moved in. The first few months of living in the house we had no couch, no real furniture, we spent the last of our wedding gift money on making LB's room a little kid paradise for him. Nothing lavish, just what we could afford from Ikea and tried to set things up so that he had a great space to play and sleep.
I started to do pretty well for a few months, I was working for Redken, and I was also freelancing and picking up a bag of clients shooting interiors of this gorgeous stone work, and also got some gigs shooting for a Redken artist at some of his shows. We were paying our mortgage and bills, and had money left over, and things were looking amazing. Like WOW I can't believe I went from a downtown bartender partying every night living on 7-11 sandwiches and vodka, to living in a cute little house and taking care of a family. I set up a photography business and was ready to get serious as the interior work was leading to other clients in that market. Mostly interior designers that wanted to refresh content for their websites. Then... the economy started to tank. Within a month I had lost every photo gig I had lined up. I wasn't that worried as I still had my full time gig with Redken. But that had a ticking clock as it was a contract job and would be over in 6 months. The check I received each month was just enough for our bills and food and small comforts for LB, but nothing left to save. I still wasn't worried as I knew I could find something else in production. I always had in the past. But things were different this time. The environment was all wrong for the kind of work I had been doing. The photography market was saturated, and so a newcomer with no client list I was not going to get the gigs, and the family-wedding- kid-maternity-engagement jobs were being scooped up by the 10 million other photographers in town that bough an SLR and started calling themselves a photographer.
I realized right at X-mas with a month left on my contract that we were going to be screwed soon. We went from this super excited "we are going to do great", to "uh-oh" in just a few short months. Cole makes very little money as an apprentice, but this is just part of the process. She went to school for a year and has been an apprentice for two, the thought of her quitting now just so she can get a better paying job is out of the question. She is so close to the end and the end is such a rewarding pay off and a great living. As for me I know things will be fine, I am not worried that we will be in a bad financial place much longer. I am figuring out how to dig my way into the photography market. So that is why when I wrote the posts about us struggling and people offered help, or wanted to donate, I was flattered, and found it incredibly touching but was quick to explain that there are SOOOOO many other people that are suffering in indescribable ways that they could help instead. People are scared and feel fucked and although Cole and I are not doing well. We are far from fucked. We have a supportive family and a network of friends that pitch in and help out. The generosity of strangers is a powerful thing, and when they are rallied and pointed to a great cause the results are incredible. We are not a great cause and have never asked for anyone to feel sorry for us ever.
I know that in reading these personal stories, people are moved to help, but at the same time I was not writing for help. I was writing for perspective. It is a comfort to some to hear that they are not the only ones that feel a little fucked, or scared, or unsure. It is a comfort for me to read other stories and know that I am not a failure, we as a nation are going thru this together. It felt good to write about our situation and hear from other photographers about how they are getting thru this time. The established shooters are doing great in some markets, and in other markets things look bleak. This won't last forever and I am pushing myself to get better and learning what I need to do to start building a client base. The point is, Cole and I are new at this. We have been married just barely a year, just starting our careers, I am a new parent, about to have a baby. We do not have insurance, we spent all of my savings to have a natural birth, because the hospitals would only cut Cole open as they will not allow a VBAC on Medicaid. We are on Medicaid because nobody will insure you if you are pregnant. We are paying out of pocket for everything for this baby and so we are struggling. It isn't a big deal. It has made our marriage stronger, our laughs mean more, and we are sincerely best friends because of it. We are living our lives with big full hearts and keep one another lifted.
We had no idea when we started out that we would come to learn that The Littlest Buddy had a life long genetic disorder, a disorder that requires an incredible amount of time to take him from Doctor to Doctor, and hours of therapy a day. We had no idea that we would be in this position, and have to deal with developmental hardships as he grows older. Luckily with me freelancing and working from home it allows us the flexibility to do it all. We are not fearful of our future with him. We are not broken by this news. We love him like Lions and will claw and bite the shit out of anyone that harms him. We are not sorry for the wedding gifts, and the house warming gifts, or baby shower gifts, or any of the nice things you see in the pictures I take. They are from people that we love and that are in our lives. Cole isn't sorry that she spent her savings to supply this house with appliances that will hopefully last us a lifetime. Should we have bought broken down shit that would just break in a year? I'm sorry if people see a nice washer and dryer and equate that to some kind of scam I am trying to pull about being poor and wanting pity. The truth is, we are all in the same boat making sacrifices and living thru hard financial times. Nobody is having a contest to see who has a sadder story. People are just telling their stories and feeling the security that they are not alone. So if we had to go on food stamps to eat for a month so we could keep up with bills and not get into debt, and that makes you HATE my family, and want to get hurtful about it, then do the world a favor and fucking kill yourself because you are a miserable waste of air. If that seems harsh I am sorry to the soft.
Here is an example about assumptions. When we take LB to the park and parents see us with him. They see a small boy who speaks to no one. Who physically can't maneuver thru a park that most 3 year olds have mastered. A boy who needs help climbing and a secure hand if he goes up high because he has no concept of injury or harm and will let go of ladders, or lean back while climbing up a jungle gym. We are careful with him because he does not know how to be careful. He does not feel pain like other kids do, so he is not worried about falling, or being hit by a swing, or getting knocked over. He bulldozes around the park and signs for help as he needs it. Cole and I see the looks from other parents. They do not know us, and because LB is so adorable and endearing they see this "normal" looking kid being "babied" and they keep their distance and judge us when he doesn't say hello back to their kids, or answer them when they ask what his name is. Maybe we don't always want to walk over and have to explain and give disclaimers to everyone at the park why LB is "ignoring" their precious darlings. Just like I am not going to write a blog where I constantly have to explain myself to everyone if I want to post about a frustration or a hard time. I might score a huge pay-out one month and then eat shit for 3 months. That is just where I am at and the kind of work that i do. If you think I should be working a 9$ an hour job so my blog is more consistent then I am happy to disappoint you.
I think that should just about cover it.
And just to fire off one last myth buster: No Cole and I are not American Apparel employees that started this blog as a way to sell more clothes. When we started taking the maternity series, Cole was wearing a pair of their shorts in the picture, a few people joked about it looking like an AA ad and so to be smart ass we dressed in AA the next picture. The girls at her salon started donating clothes for her to wear for the shoots and then after American Apparel saw the pics and read the blog, they wrote and offered to donate some clothes for the pictures that Cole would be comfortable in while she grows. It was an incredibly nice gesture! And at the time, I still didn't have very many readers. Of course I had no idea that people would freak out over the pictures and love them as much as we did. But as they grew and started popping up around the internet it started to grow a bigger readership here. Which in turn brought a few of the same judgmental assholes I was describing at the park. Not too many, the readership here is a surprise everyday. Something Cole and I both appreciate enormously. I told someone the other day that when the hate mail starts rolling in, that's when you know you have an audience. I know that some people are going to hate what I write, and how I think. I mean there are people that think "There Will Be Blood" is a boring movie, or that the Pixies are a shitty band. I am never going to please everyone, and will never try to. I wrote this so I could clear the air a little with some readers who aren't scratching out little hate filled messages anonymously, but that are legitimately curious about our situation. So that is about as clear as I can be without posting our bank statements. Thanks for reading.
All the Love in the Universe ~ Me
P.S. one more disclaimer. I did not write this because I needed reassurances or to feel better. To clarify I wrote this to clear up any misconceptions I had with people that started reading this blog in the middle.
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