ZZZZZzzzzz...

Everyone in this house is sound ass asleep right now except for me, cause I can't figure out how to stop taking pictures of all of this...






All the Love in the Universe ~ Me

Tweet

At One Month

I made a comment the other day about me and ol' Father Time having issue with one another-- seeing as how I blinked and this tiny little baby is one month old already. Every second she gets closer to becoming a "tweenager" is horrifying to me. I am trying to stay in this uncomplicated world, where we are balancing the simple needs of keeping her dry, clean, burped, fed, napped, warm, and stimulated. Am I forgetting anything? I don't need finger wagging from some of you fucking know it alls: "What about keeping her fashionable? That is a need!" :)

At one month there are still all of these little realizations of what life is going to be like with two little animals in the house that need constant love and joy... and then the moments when Cole and I find one another, and those quiet seconds are like the first days we were in love. We hug tighter, kiss longer, and they are truly incredible little gaps in the day. Somehow all things line up, and we find ourselves with a little time for one another, oh man it is fucking great. I think Cole figured out that I wasn't going to abandon her to the night, and let her care for the baby alone while I slept on. I have been helping in ways she didn't expect, and that always feels good to surprise the people you love. A lot has been said in the world about men not being interested in babies, and I have to tell you that almost all that has been written is probably pretty accurate. All this thing does is wiggle around and explode poop if it isn't sleeping, sure she does mind blowing adorable things and makes sounds and looks me in the eye and melts me-- but for me the interest and involvement is high on the priority list because I just can't stand to see Cole not bright, and at her normal levels of sunshine. She is my calm and reason, and if she is off-- I fall apart.

At one month this little baby is growing in milestones. I think it has been super hard for Cole to watch the difference in her babies, and seeing the Tangerine lifting her head and making moves to move so young really put things in perspective at how delayed The Littlest Buddy was. He is sitting here next to me, home from school with a cold taking in his favorite show, wrapped in a blanket, and pounding water. That electric green snot dripping from his nose, and that filthy germy hand waving around his coughs. He has been warming up in small ways to his "dister" and just yesterday while he was getting ready for school, he was belly laughing at some of the noises she makes when she stretches from first waking up. These little moments are reminders that things will be okay at some point, and so it makes us able to get thru all the pouty tantrums, and angry outbursts. He is really getting it figured out fast and I am so proud of him.

At one moth old just this morning while I was still working on this post The Littlest Buddy asked me to take a picture of him and while doing so, he asked for "Tessa" by name. He climbed into bed with Cole and his sister to wake them up, and let me take their picture all together for the first time-- without him being upset. He was truly excited. He loves playing with her feet and when Cole takes them on walks he can reach her feet thru the stroller and will play with them the entire walk and laugh. This was huge for us this morning. Every little step towards acceptance is just another easy breath. So the two of them all infected with colds got all handsy and sweet and bonded a little more this morning. Thank you Universe!





At one month this baby has no problems to report. Cole cried at the Doctor when they very matter of factly said: "you have a perfect baby" that little phrase and the ease of the appointments so far, sent her reeling into this huge admission of how hard it has been to always hear that there is something wrong with LB, and be sent from specialist to specialist. The nurse figured out why she was upset and let her know it was all good things. Cole had gotten so used to visits with LB and trying to track down what was slowing him down, that it was just what her "normal" was. The visits with LB are always looked at as just one more step in a very long walk to answers for him to get to the highest levels we can reach. Our goal is that as Tessa gets older her early memories of her brother are never thoughts of stress or worry, we never want her to feel like there is something wrong with him, just that he is his own person. She will feel lucky for her brother, and with the way he worries for her when she cries I think we are on our way for two kids that care about one another. Fingers crossed.

At one month this baby has started to pile on pounds and is starting to swell up with breast milk. Her little body is taking on that John Goodman look-- skinny legs and tiny butt, with a big round giant belly and chubby face. It is endlessly funny to me to imagine her dancing around like King Ralph. Breast feeding is going really well so far. This baby has successfully broke my lifetime craving for sugary breakfast cereals, as her poop smells exactly like Lucky Charms-- and thus ended my long life of wanting to eat that crap. So I already owe her one for that. This week Cole is going to start pumping boobs and get a bottle in my hand, and get this baby used to some food from something else besides her tits. I am pretty nervous about it, not because I think it is tough, but every little step forward to me being able to solely care for this baby is a reminder that Cole is getting me ready for when she goes back to the salon. I have started trying out the whole wearing the baby around the house thing in small doses. When Cole goes to take LB to school, or runs an errand I strap her on a little and it always calms her down. No pacifer or any self soothing going on yet. Cole wears her in a sling when she is doing stuff around the house and it just knocks her out and keeps her warm and happy. So I would like to be able to do the same thing when I get a fussy baby fussing and I have shit to do.

At one month this baby is still sleeping well, she keeps hours like a teenager however, she likes to stay up late and sleep in, so with LB on the normal schedule of a 4 yr old there is a clash in schedules. He is ready to go at 5:30AM and so we have been shuffling around making sure we keep him happy in the mornings and that everyone still gets enough sleep. We are still considering ourselves very lucky with the way nights have been going. And that is all I will say about that. We did learn quickly that Tessa reacts to music like it's the most delicious sleeping pill ever eaten. Within seconds of hearing her favorite song, she drifts off into the deepest baby sleep there is. It took us awhile to find a song she liked. I think we played every dumb baby relaxing universe record I could find online, and then I tried this out and it was like getting gassed at the dentist. She was out. And it doesn't hurt that we love this tune.



*update- sorry about the song thing. I guess being an idiot I am not sure how to successfully embed an MP3 file so that it works on all browsers. I guess it isn't working on some :(

Dang, that link just won't work. So here is a version of the song that was on you tube...



So enjoy this song, and the rest of your week. And I will be back on Monday posting at full strength.

All the Love in the Universe ~ Us

Tweet

Went To A Party On Friday Night

First things first. I am technically still on break for the rest of this week. However, that does not mean that I won't be lazily slapping a post together here and there over the next few days and keeping myself around in this world. I will be back full swing posting at full force next week, first thing on Monday, just like always. There is a bunch going on, and I can't wait to share it :)

So my fake vacation, made me really miss real vacations, and right when I got my first really itchy case of wanderlust something amazing happened. A little joking around on twitter ended up leading to a quick getaway gig to one of the greatest cities on earth. CHICAGO! Of course leaving Cole and the Tangerine for a day over the weekend felt a little early, too soon? but at the same time, Cole knows when I need to get the fire out... and a little power trip to make some photographs for the MamaPop crew at the Blogher Conference was going to have to be the dose of wind in my sails for now. So it was settled. I was going to Chicago. The trip was planned to have the least amount of impact on everyone, and at the end of that trip planning, with the only option being left to share a room with strange men, or get home practically the same day, I opted on the good ol days of my bouncing around clubs and traveling dirty and cheap. So I booked my travel so that I could leave first thing out in the morning the following day after the party. So basically I would be in Chicago less than 24 hours. The result of which is this...

That is a picture I took just before I tied my camera bag to my body, dizzy on vodka and full of pizza, and fell asleep on the floor of the baggage claim at 3AM waiting for the terminal to open up in the morning at Midway. It was a hilarious experience to say the least. I hadn't traveled like this in years, and really missed the uncertainty of it all. The late night characters you meet, and the waking up in the morning to my cell phone alarm that I had stuffed in my shirt, my bag tied to my body with my camera strap, and my hoodie wrapped around my head, smelling like vodka, surrounded by a sea of small children and families headed to Disney for the weekend was worth every second of it. HAHA what a priceless moment to see those disgusted judgmental faces.

So back to the beginning....

When I first started blogging and was strolling around the blogging community checking the lay of the land, I kept running into the same slim slender column advertisements run by this thing called "Blogher" and I immediately set out to try and find the "dude" version of this thing. I never found it, and have long since stopped looking for it. I have a feeling that as soon as some guy genius comes up with a similar clever play on words, (like figuring out how to merge "bro" with "blog") a new mens club will be born, and within seconds of its creation, Pabst Blue Ribbon, NASCAR, and some idiot proof matchlight charcoal brisket company will dig their corporate claws into it to start poisoning the well. Let me back slowly out of this long tall tangent I would love to stroll down and get back to the point. Blogher. It is a thing that a lot of women care/cared a great deal about and there was a small amount of jealousy that as a man, and a brand new blogger, I had nothing that matched the community and resources as this group of blogging women.

I flew into Midway, and took the train (as suggested) and really enjoyed the ride versus spending the cab fare. I went straight to the Sheraton. I got in at noon, and the rest of my day consisted of waiting around the lobby for all 13 MamaPop writers in attendance to drop by my little corner by the big windows over looking the river, and get their picture took. I had that wrapped up and all finished pretty fast, went and devoured a burger by the water, and then found the biggest squishiest chair I could and slept until the party that night. A gross sweaty nap, and if anyone walked past me, drooling all open mouthed and twitchy, I apologize for the spectacle.

So there I was at Blogher for the sole purpose of meeting up with the pack of super talent from the MamaPop crew to photograph their big party on Friday night that they had dubbed "A Sparklecorn Extravaganza" and so that meant I got to meet a few of the authors of some of my favorite personal blogs, all be it, brief and uncomfortable little exchanges of hello, and then I would rush off to collect more moments from this blowout with my camera, I didn't really get to talk to anyone for longer then a couple of minutes, and it is a shame because I would have loved to ask dumb questions, and tell you stuff about which posts have been my favorite. But I didn't, I tried to be polite without seeming ass-kissy, but I also had a fucking job to do, and God Dammit if everyone would have just left me the fuck alone I would have taken a ton more pictures :) But it was in fact really cool to meet people that I had been reading for the last 10 months. It always takes me a good long while before I get comfortable in new surroundings, and it is tough for me to start shoving my camera in the faces of strangers (the low light and having to use a flash keeps me from hiding back with a long lens) So I was fortunate enough to be handed a fist full of drink tickets, and I gratfully drank my courage and went on with the business of documenting this party. Of course right when I was starting to feel the most comfortable (drunk) the party was over, but I still managed to get some shots I liked.

One of the funniest things about shooting this party would have to be the HUGE amount of requests and direction I received. It seems from years of putting only the best, and most flattering photographs on the interent, people know a lot about their good and bad sides, what angle to use and what not... and they would deliver me a laundry list of things NOT to take pictures of or they would track me down and KILL me. I just did the best I could. I decided to shoot B&W because I thought it might stand out amongst the sea of party pics, and all the other "official" Blogher pics taken by their photographer, and it always feels a little old school glamourous to me. So today over at MamaPop there is a post hosting a collection of shots from the night. I believe the intention is to break it up over the next two days or so. But this morning the first round is up and ready, and please go check it out if you are interested. I put up a few here as a teaser.

The first two are a couple of my favorite "moments" from the night. The first picture was taken just minutes after meeting Sweetney for the first time, she had been running around Chicago the entire day with this lady, missing out on sessions, and they were trying to get everything finished for the big event, and this was pretty much the first time she sat down all day and just took a second to relax, reflect, and regroup. Surely thinking to herself "man I hope this fucking party doesn't suck tonight." I was just walking up to her to hit her with a bunch of questions, and decided to hide back and just took this shot instead.

Inside Herself


Then there was this shot of Gwen Bell shaking ass, and hair swinging, and having a blast, and to me seeing this picture in my viewfinder was kind of the point when I was like... "okay everyone is having a really good time here." She was lovely in person and had that "thing" about her that just makes a photographer want to shoot away. I left her alone and just managed a couple of shots while she was around.




Something I wanted to do more of, (but was too uncomfortable) was to take on the fly portraits of people while I was there, so I just grabbed the couple people I knew at the party and found a spot, and fired away. So the first person that walked up to me all night and said hi was Oh Mommy from Classy Chaos, and she was really rad and charming, and joked around with me and my new good buddy BHJ-- who I clung to as a safety net almost all of the night. Nothing like a dude you can just joke with about anything that pops into your head, and have a laugh. I also tortured Amy from The Bitchin Wives Club with this for a few shots when I first met her. She was great and barely put up a fight at all.

Oh Mommy


Amy


I also got the chance to sit down and be around one of my favorite personal bloggers Any Mommy, who has to be one of the nicest people on the planet. You just instantly like this woman and it was a shame we didn't get to talk more aside from a little small talk. But I did manage to make her laugh good and hard and that made me happy. I love being around someone with a good geniune laugh.

AnyMommy


Then there was this asshole that kept bugging me to take his picture, then would do shit like this :)

Black Hockey Jesus


And finally I had to post this shot, because it was there kind of buried in the photo pool and then I noticed and asked Cole, and was like, "is this chick fucking shooting me the bird?" and YEAH! She is totally doing that not so subtle pretend to scratch her nose thing, while telling me to go fuck myself. I don't know who this lady is, but this picture had me belly laughing for an hour about it. I am not sure if she's really giving me the ol' bird or not. But I like to think that she is. I would link to whoever this is if I knew her, so if anyone can identify her shoot me a link. So funny.

*update (she has been ratted out the secret bird flipper




So that is the preview, if you are interested in seeing the party pics, head over to MamaPop and take a look and stick around for the content, they write some really funny and quality stuff over there. And thanks to all of them for making me feel so comfortable and warm and fuzzy and hanging out. It was a blast. Here is a link to the PICTURES...


All the Love in the Universe ~ Me

P.S. AND just a reminder that these pictures are not to be reproduced, or copied, or stolen, and if you have need of them or questions you can certainly get in touch about it. Thanks a bunch...

Tweet

A Family Portrait

Cole found this drawing of our family stuck to the side of our refrigerator this morning. It was a goodbye note. It had gone unseen for a couple days. It was mixed in with the adorably crappy pre-k art projects from our LB that manage to melt us into mush, my collection of Kaiju Big Battle magnets, old school pictures from our youth, And then there was this... Our little family fastened to our multi million dollar fridge with my Totoro magnet that I got at Kiddyland. This sweet little goodbye note from our last house guest that flew in to see the baby. We love it, for the obvious reasons that it's just fucking cute, but I love that it was placed so discretely in our clutter of everyday life, and left for us to discover in our own time. A little love mine waiting to be stepped on and appreciated.

All the Love in the Universe~ Me

Tweet

Unloading The Pile

The picture pile that is mounting is just ridiculous... AND so I thought I would pop back in here and post some of them before they were lost in next weeks insane amount of pictures that will be taken. I will actually be back in full swing sometime next week I am hoping. Maybe. Perhaps. I SHOULD be. We will see. So yeah, possibly.... soon-ish?

One of these days I would love to take some pictures of all of the Women on Cole's family side together, it will be so cool to see how Tessa will resemble her Mama, and Cole's Mama, and her Mama's Mama. She will be so amazed by her Japanese Great Grandma. It is our hope that we all go to Japan with her GG Mama in the next couple years and meet more of her family.

GG Mama (Cole's Grandma)


Cole's Mother


Cole


Tessa Tangerine











The Spike


On the screaming and crying front, the Tangerine actually does cry a good amount. She brought it on slowly and has been working it into her daily routine. We are still getting lucky at night, with the exception of some off nights. Like last night, it was a rough one. She has her first case of the sniffles and it was uncomfortable for all of us.

she cries


Trying to get to the other side


Every day things get just a little bit easier with LB, but we have a long way to go. He drifts away to far off places when he sees us with the baby. The number of times he says "Mama" in a day has increased by a couple of million. BUT he is sleeping better than he ever has, and did not regress in some of the places we were fearing. Although I have a suspicion like everyone he might be sleeping better because he has the blues. The Littlest Buddy will actually turn to tears, and he will keep saying "broke" (which he says when his feelings are hurt) if he sees me photograph the baby, and this includes taking pictures of them together. So I have just not been doing it. I keep asking him and eventually I think he will want me to take their picture together. I can't tell you how endlessly frustrating it has been to not be able to just sit down with him and talk about all of this. I just want 5 minutes with him where I know he understands what is going down right now. He is showing us all the signs that things will be okay down the road, so we have been breathing easier at least. The comments in the transition post were awesome and have to say thanks again.










And Cole is doing amazing and I often catch her just staring and smiling at her children. These are happy times...

The Grin


All the Love in the Universe ~ Us

Tweet

Breaking

Cole and I started a little tradition when we would go on travels where she would leap into the air for a picture, so someday we would have a collection of these jumping pictures from all the places we have gone together. Can you tell I'm series obsessed?! As you can see we haven't had the chance to go to many places together so far in this young marriage. I was looking at this little collection this morning (bummed that I was missing one from Big Sur) because I have been thinking about taking a vacation. A vacation?! But How? We're a bunch of broke jokes and we just had a baby! But I'm talking about a vacation from myself. More specifically from this blog. I have a ton of catching up to do on photo projects, and need to focus on some new client gathering before we are thrown in the poor house. So I am going to step away from the blog for a little spell. It could be a quick refreshing getaway, or a nice long lingering break. I have no idea. I just know I need to get to work on making some more scratch so I can get this gorgeous lady jumping into the air, in front of some new super awesome places.

Salinas Valley


Coney Island


Sarasota Bay


I have to say, the comments and the response to this blog has been absolutely overwhelming and unexpected. It just keeps growing and finding more readers, and I have sat in front of google analytics with my jaw open this last month just blown away by the response. So a big warm thank you for reading from this little family. We appreciate every comment, and email, and subscription. So I shouldn't be gone too long. But I do need to focus on this family and get us back to comfortable while Cole is still on leave from work. I have a HUGE project to finish with the maternity series, and another really great surprise for kids & parents that will launch in late August that I have been getting consumed with, and a photo business to try and get off the ground. So with that... I will be back with a bunch of news and stories, and pictures of LB and Tessa Tangerine, and Cole and I have gathered all of our inspirations that are dedicated to healthy living and will be doing a health week with lots of amazing guest posters. She is excited to stop bleeding and take her body back.

AND... If you haven't added me on twitter yet, please do so. Here is the LINK. I will be lurking around in my google reader like always, so I will be reading.

All the Love in the Universe ~ Us

Tweet

The Cribs Preview

Our little baby room that Cole and I pieced together is UP at Apartment Therapy on the Oh Dee Doh site for a little picture tour, and some words on how the room all came together. Apartment Therapy has been Cole's favorite blog since I met her, so she was pretty thrilled when she saw the Maternity Series had made an appearance there, and now the nursery will have a little home within their pages. It proved to be a huge challenge to light and take pictures of this little mini room, but in the end I think I got it figured out. I definitely had a few "I suck at this" moments. I remembered my time on film sets working as a set decorator in the Art Dept and was like... OH yeah, when we couldn't get the shot, we moved all of the shit on the camera side out of the way, so we could get the angle, and then moved it all back (which is why I felt like a furniture mover most of the time). So I squeezed into corners of the room, and managed to get this photographed for Cole. I hadn't shot any interior stuff since a year ago when I was doing shoots for a high end stone company and realized then, and was reminded yesterday how much I enjoy doing it.

Now as far as our attempts at creating an original space for the baby on the way, here is a little preview of the post that will be up later this afternoon at Oh Dee Doh. I will update when it goes live, so until then, here you go ...

The theme for our nursery was Hand Made and Hand-Me-Downs. Money has been tight to say the least, and there was a point when creating a space for the baby didn’t seem like it was going to be much of anything beyond a hand me down crib and matching dresser drawers that Cole had tucked away at her Dad’s house from when LB was a baby. Instead of getting bummed and feeling bad because we couldn’t buy the best of the best for this baby on the way, we decided to take a more realistic approach to the room and celebrate where we are in life, in this new marriage, with new budding careers, and got off our asses and we set to work and enlisted help from our creative friends. The nursery became a great mix of old hand-me–downs, hand made details, and a mix of Cole’s and my old knick knacks from our childhood and travels. When it all came together we realized that in the end - If we had plenty of money to go hog wild and buy anything, we would have filled this little room with all brand new stuff and not ended up with a room full of history and good memories. We wanted a room that felt great to sit in, and was familiar, and we pulled it off. It was a good reminder and very grounding for where we are at right now. Making the best out of what we have. And our friends contributed beautiful pieces to the room.

wall art "The Getaway" by Anna Bond of Rifle Design/ baby blanket by Love Granny

Check out the rest of the room and see where everything came from at Oh Dee Doh later today if you're interested in seeing more.

*UPDATE- The post is up at Oh Dee Doh.

Thanks for stopping by and it would be cool to see links if you have done a nursery post, or if you have done an anti-nursery post, or if you have ever actually used your nursery. I am surprised at how much we have actually used the room. I have heard that people go thru the trouble and then almost never step foot in them again.

All the Love in the Universe ~ Me

Tweet

Sprout

A chapter missing from the baby books that would be nice to include for people introducing a second child into the mix could maybe be about, how as soon as you hold a newborn in your arms for a couple of days, that your tiny undersized 4 yr old all of the sudden looks like he swallowed down some magic beans, and sprouted like a bean stalk into the big tall sky. The Littlest Buddy feels freakishly GIGANTIC in my arms, and I couldn't get over how big he grew in just a couple of days when we saw him again after he got back from his Dad's house. Never doubt that he will always be our Littlest Buddy, but he feels enormous?! That's something I never expected to say or think about him anytime soon, and it really caught both Cole and I off guard. We have been careful not to talk about any of this in front of him, or start referring to him as a giant monster or anything. But it has certainly been discussed and the looks exchanged when we hold him in our arms, or get him ready for bed. As the week pressed on, things settled, and perspective adjusted, and he feels much more as I remembered him (most of the time), I see him plop down on an old toy that suddenly shrinks down to tiny, or I grab a shirt out of his drawer, and it's a struggle to get on, and just like that its become a middrift. When did this happen? How did we not notice he was growing so fast before? It was a shock. It was an instant reminder of just how fast these little things are growing.

I have been conflicted all week to write candidly about how the transition is going for LB and I decided on this little portion of the story... It was a pretty clear choice that was made not to write about the daily struggles with SMS here in this space, as the accompanying symptoms specific to LB do not define him or dominate his days . I will say this in regards to him not being able to speak. There have been many times in my life that a fear or some silly worry has turned to total darkness in my mind, I have thought on it, worked thru it, and felt like it was resolved, but until I actually verbalized it, the darkness would never go away entirely. It sits right in my belly, and turns me around and weighs down my moods, and slobs my walk and turns me terrible. I think all of the internal reasoning gets me far enough to be able to actually mold it into a sentence and start pulling it out line by line. You know how when you're a kid (or even still as an adult, if you are the crying type, cause I'm not at all) you finally start to tell someone about it all, maybe your love or your confidant, and halfway thru the second word of the worries the tears start flowing? LB has no way to verbalize any of his worries and we can tell him all day long, it's all gonna be okay, but he can't ask his Mama if she will stop loving him? Or will she forget about him? Or is he being replaced? We tell him none of this will ever be the case, and that he is so very loved, but for whatever reason this offers almost no comfort. We have had piles of wonderful moments this week with him, but if I had to fill out some kind of status report about how things were going, I would say that he is not making much progress so far. The only peaceful times that have come is when Tessa is off sleeping in a crib, or taken to the other room, and pretending she does not exist isn't going to get him anywhere.

All of this boils down to time, and patience, and we have plenty of it, which translates to we are not letting it turn to negativity or mood changing worry.

Have a great weekend.

All the Love in the Universe ~ Us

Tweet

Slap Fighting the Pink Posse

Keeping the gender of our baby a surprise was equally as agitating and painful as kicking my monumentally stupid smoking habit that I had. Just like the nicotine urges, there were days when I would want to cave in and know the gender so bad that I would try and get Cole curious in the hopes that maybe she would just say FUCK IT... let's call right now and find out what this thing is! For whatever cruel reason the ultra sound tech that we went to wrote the gender of the baby down, and actually sent it along in her report to our midwife. The tech seemed almost annoyed we didn't want to know the sex, and when we asked her to "please not mention anything about it." She responded as if we had robbed her of her favorite part of the job, the part when she gets to reveal to excited parents what the sex of their baby is. So the fact that she sent it along as an aside, on paper, to our midwife, felt psychotic! Like it was her last ditch effort to be the one to tell us. Now of course I know that's ridiculous, but I invented that scenario in my head to make her a villain so I had someone to blame for the torture of having this scrap of paper revealing our baby's sex sealed in an envelope and clipped to our chart that would stare us in the face with every visit. I can't believe the number of times I wanted to buckle and rip into that envelope, and just know. But not knowing turned out to be incredible, and if we ever have another child, I would do it the same, minus the envelope of course.

People have asked, "what's so incredible about not knowing? It seems stupid not to be prepared." and I would always follow that up with, "prepared for what?" and the closest thing I ever received as an answer (beyond dying from curiosity), was so that we knew what color of clothes to buy for the child. Really!? Now, I promise I don't mean this in any nasty offensive mean-spirited way, but that's a pretty fucking stupid reason for finding out the sex of the baby. Honestly. But hey- that's just me. I know that it's vitally important to some people, and we are all different kinds of crazy and neurotic so I'm not judging anyone's brand of lunacy, just laying mine out there and stating that I thought it was kind of absurd. What it did do, was get me thinking, and opened up many a discussion about gender roles and all of the things that we did not want to do to this baby, whether it be a boy or a girl. We started a kind of mental punch list of things that we would not project onto the baby, specifically Cole and I really opened up about how we felt about everything from the wearing of pink on girls - to boys being given footballs and jerseys before they could even hold their heads up. And it was made very clear how I felt about dressing little baby girls in ridiculous frilly foo-foo fairy princess clothes. I flat out forbid it. I don't want it in our house, I do not want her to ever think that she is supposed to wear these things or she is weird. I am quite aware as she gets older, and develops tastes, and wants, and interests of her own that I will most likely have to endure some type of fairy princess phase, and I am fine with that. I will shower her with whatever kind of ridiculous play or fantasy that she wants to engage in. However just like I wont be cramming religion down her throat when she's 2, I'm not filling her room with lace and fluff and painting the walls pink until the days comes that she requests it. How will I know, she might ask for it to be painted sweet pickle green... I don't know what her favorite color is. As soon as she has been introduced to all 164 colors in the crayola creativity center and picks one out, we can start planning wall colors and getting a few extra outfits that compliment her cravings. Is that a dumb idea?

So if the argument is that it doesn't matter to babies and I am over thinking, that they are JUST babies, that all of the pink and lace and dresses will not affect her, then who is all of that for? Is it for the parents? A little living dress up doll? Or is that we have to delineate the sex of our babies to one another by the badges of pink and blue so nobody gets offended or uncomfortable. When Tessa is wrapped up in her blue blanket she still looks like a baby girl to me. Is it really confusing to everyone else? I am not anti-pink. I am just anti-pink as a uniform. And I would like to hold off on dressing her up like she is heading off to Cotillion before she can crawl.

I'm not saying that I am going to plop down that giant box of crayons and then slyly slide that pink one out of the box and hide it from her. This little girl will certainly crawl around in some pink duds. All I've been asking for is some variety. And it is being met with shame. Does this make me a lunatic? I'm okay if it does. Do you think it matters at all? I recently read about a Swedish couple that have hidden the gender of their baby from the world, and have gone as far as not using any personal pronouns when referring to their child-- they just call it "Pop." It is a fascinating read, and the comment section lunges from lynch mob to level headed gender debate. So I had my extreme side of my questions, and went looking for more. I was thrilled to find this recent entry over at Sweet Juniper about a fairy princess encounter, which led me to this entry, and it felt good to know I wasn't the only Dad that worried about these kinds of things in the world of girls. Being a man and caring deeply about your family and children in some circles is still looked at with a squinty eye, and a kind of what the fuck is this guys deal thing that I just don't understand. I know it's old school to not give a shit about your kids, and complain about your wife, but I am happy to be a part of a new generation of dudes. Like these guys here.

All of these plans and ideas for the baby were logical and sound while discussing this one-on-one with Cole before Tessa was born. We were making 'our" plans and they made sense to us. The rude awakening occurs when all of the sudden there is this brand new little girl in the world and the people around you just want to get fucking crazy on some pink purchases and smother this little girl in "little girl" things. My voice and wants become absurd and unheard of, crazy and pointless, and it surprises me at how little people just don't respect our beliefs or worries, and just shrug it off and say, "but she's a girl." I am very aware of this fact, many a diapers have been changed in this house since the birth of our daughter. I am reminded of this fact every time she squirts the mustard mix in her diaper and makes that crazy OHHHH face to let us know she just made a mess. We do have a little girl and for 9 months we made preparations and thought about how awesome it was going to be to have a baby. Not in terms of boys and girls, just a little human and we were sure to get things ready to support and nurture one. All of this to say that I don't understand why people (and when I say "people" I mean nobody here, I mean family and friends) think it is crazy that I care for her to find her own place. Do you tell your little girls that they aren't supposed to play with cars or dinosaurs, and hand them dolls? What's the deal with that? Where is the world view on these types of things? How far have we gotten? I know it's insulting to assume a girl will grow up to be a librarian, or a nurse, or a secretary. Now they can be everything from a web cam whore to seeking the highest political office of the land and everything in between, there are no more limits, but look how long it took to get there. In 20-30-50 years will it be hilarious that we used to dump our baby girls in pink and flowers? Or is it just always going to be like this? Just working it all out. Thanks for reading.

just a little bit of pink in a mix of neon


All the Love in the Universe ~ Me

P.S. I can't tell you how much fun it has been to read the comments of the last post, a giant big thanks to everyone that left a comment and got in on the action. What a great collection to go back to and laugh about. I said this in the comments but I will say it here, I really think it would be awesome for Myth Busters to do a baby episode based off of all of these great grandma pregnancy taboos. Imagine those dudes shaving babies heads?! What fun.

Tweet

Just You Wait

I would say the greatest commonality on earth (besides the broad fact that we are all human animals) is pregnancy. I would imagine no matter where you are on this earth, if someone spots a big round pregnant belly and a glowing woman, than they know without speaking a word to anyone the basic mechanics of how that all went down, and what will soon be squeezing out of the vagina and into the world. And odds are they will be happy about it. The assumption is birth=joy (sadly not always the case). Yes of course, the birthing rituals vary, and certainly coitus is never the same, but everyone knows you put the outie, in the inie, until it explodes magic, and a human baby grows. So we are bonded in this way with every human in the world. Having said that, there isn't a doubt in my mind that if Cole and I were to land in some remote corner of this earth, in a place where nobody spoke a word of english, and arrived with this brand new baby in our arms, within 10-15 minutes of being in this completely foreign place, some asshole would be scratching out drawings in the sand to tell us we were doing something wrong. Or insisting that we go rest because we must be exhausted. Maybe I am pushing it. This could be a uniquely American annoyance, but something tells me this is a global crisis. Exhausting know-it-alls are everywhere, and they always know what you should be doing with your baby better than you do.

But guess what?

My wife didn't give birth to YOUR baby. It is OUR baby... unique and different, and carries her very own special little set of burdens and quirks that have nothing to do with your children. So don't try and apply your experiences to us. Now, I'm not poo-pooing community or compassion for someone who looks like their struggling with new life, but nothing turns me into a miserable bastard quicker than unsolicited advice. Whether it be from loved ones or total strangers. Think of it this way, what if I just started walking up to parents with obese children, slapping the cheeseburgers out of their hands, and suggest apples and jogging?! How would that go over? Aren't you doing the same thing when you go on blogs and start telling people how they are "doing it wrong." Don't fucking tell me how to burp my daughter, or when we should be feeding her. I am a HUGE believer in learning from others, and gathering wisdom, in fact it has been such an awesome pleasure to read all of the transition stories that I asked for a few posts ago. It's incredible to find the similarities, and there is a ton of great advice and knowledge being thrown around in that comment section. I love it. I love it because I asked for it. I felt like I needed something under my feet so I could start walking toward solutions and the blogging community that reads here delivered. Thank you all again who joined in. I know the urge to share life experience and conquered troubles is overwhelming to some people, it lights them up to share victories. They just have to tell people what they have done, and how they persevered, and their tongues are like cocked pistols that need to fire their pearls of wisdom at any and all new parents. Not everyone that has children approaches it as the hardest thing you will ever do. There are actually some people that retain their identities and lives, and balance showering their children with thick drippy love, and making time for their other joys and passions of the world. Not everyone lives with constant fear that if you make a mistake it will ruin everything.

The exception to unsolicited advice being a blood boiler is when it comes from the great grandma. For whatever reason their grouchy know it all matter of fact old schooling is comical, and so absurd that I let it all turn amusing. I really get a kick out of it. If we listened to Cole's Sito we would have had to dip poor Tessa in a vat of Baby-Oil on the second day and keep her slathered in it until she was 12. She would never be photographed with a flash bulb, or risk total blindness for sure, Cole would have had to have her stomach bound with elastic bandages or her uterus would never go back to normal. She was careful to tell Cole not to dye the babies hair, she needed to be reminded. And clearly there is something deeply wrong with us if we plan to nurse Tessa longer than 2 months, and she almost fell over when Cole informed her she was planning on 2 years. All of this of course gets even funnier when she refuses to pick up the baby. This has been policy. She has never held any of her grandchildren until they are bigger.

So with that said. If you are a sweet old opinionated woman, with an old school chip on your shoulder, than you have my permission and invitation to come here and finger wag all you want at us. Please do. But as for the rest of you fear mongering know-it-alls I will never publish another piece of unsolicited advice again in the comment section. You can tell me to fuck off all day and I will gladly publish that, just keep your "doing it wrong" stories holstered unless someone asks you for it. I like to make my own mistakes.

I will never claim to anyone that we have a formula for success, or that we have anything perfected, I am sure we will ask for help a hundred billion times along the way. The difference between families like mine, and the families that nag and opinionate others to death is that I don't have anything to prove to anyone. I don't need to tell you how to parent to prove that I am a good one. I don't need to judge any of your decisions to feel okay about mine. These people that do this are addicts, they are addicted to their own accomplishments. For me it resembles the same insecurity of a cokehead, always pushing shit on others so they feel better about what they are doing themselves: "Look we are all doing it this way. This is the way. Your way makes me feel weird and strange, so it has to be wrong." This over parenting mob mentality scares the shit out of me and it keeps me at a distance from most people. I will come clean and say that I avoid scenarios that will get us standing around with a bunch of other parents. This doesn't make me elitist, I am just hiding. I was all set to write some half-assed "I hope I didn't hurt anyones feelings" disclaimer and then decided against it. If you got your feelings hurt because you know you are guilty of pushing your big brain on other people, or maybe you just decided that I am an ass for calling you out on it and now you hate us. I couldn't care less. Go be miserable somewhere else and spread your superior parenting to someone else that you might be able to bully into submission.

So... enough of that unpleasant business.

I thought in the interest of staying topical. It would be hilarious to hear your funniest, best, most outrageous unsolicited advice stories. I'm talking the Great Grandma kind that I wrote about above. Let's hear them, I am sure there has to be some really ridiculous old school shit that has been handed down to you at some point and it would be awesome to have a collection of them in one place.

All the Love in the Universe ~ Me

P.S. How could I not post a picture... I have taken eleventy billion of them so far. This is how Tessa keeps us up at night. Not by crying or fussing, but by being grossly cute. She has got life figured out pretty fast so far.

happy face

Tweet

The Birth of Tessa Tangerine

If you have been reading along for the last week, than you know all of the bullet points about the birth of our daughter:

-We had a girl
-It was a water birth at home
-Labor lasted 12 hours
-She weighed 7lbs 8ozs
-19 and 1/2 inches long
-Born on 6/29/09 @ 1:51 AM
-We named her Tessa
-Both Mom and Baby are healthy and happy

For just about everyone I know that is all the info that they need in order to breathe a sigh of relief, say congrats, and then launch into whatever baby frenzy, or baby fear they may have. I actually have more than a few friends who think babies are "creepy" and I wonder about their sanity but respect their fears, and will happily keep our little girl out of their life. I have been putting off writing the birth story for over a week now, mostly because there is an aspect of letting go when I write. Almost always when I pound something out onto the screen it is for the purposes of release, to move on, work thru, or just vent about the pile up in this mountain-- And I have been hanging close and strong with this experience since it has happened, and have not really been ready to let parts of it flow out and onto a page to lay to rest. To say this was the single greatest thing I have witnessed is so grossly understated that it has been embarrassing to only have THAT cliche to mumble when people have asked me, "so how was it?" The words just don't come when I set to talking about it, a wash of images and emotions take over so quickly that I end up sounding underwhelmed, dumb shit like: "yeah- yeah, it was great." or "wow, I mean WOW, it was incredible."

On Sunday afternoon just after Cole had that first BIG contraction, we both knew that the baby was coming. We couldn't look at one another without wearing the big dumb smiles you're infected with when connections happen, love boils over, gets in your blood stream, and controls your every move. Next thing you know, you are doing that warm faced smile thing, where you shoulders scrunch all up, and you keep staring at one another. I would watch her when the pain would come, and she would get very still, and sit, and think thru the first round of her contractions. She would hold her belly in her hands, and I could actually see her listening to her body, being sure about what was happening, until she finally said, "This is it!" -- For a second my feet wanted to start motoring, and I felt my legs longing to run around and get going, but we were already there. We were here. We had arrived. There was no destination to get to, we had just been waiting for the moment to come to us. I had been so inundated since boyhood with the television and movie images of panic stricken men rushing around and face planting walls, dropping open suitcases, speeding off in cars, leaving laboring wives standing at their front door, that a part of me was wondering when I would panic? I had seen these scenarios for so long that I almost felt like I was doing something wrong just standing there and smiling at my wife.

To say Cole and I had prepared for this birth or rehearsed this birth with a lot of classes or endless chapters of reading about birth, would be an outright lie. The one thing that Cole knew about herself for sure in regards to active labor, was that she had no idea how she would react to it, and what would make her motivated to move thru the pain. So she was very resistant to everything. Our birth plan was never written out, it was very simple, she didn't want distractions. She did not want music playlists, or smells, oils, or massages, she had not picked out any focal points, or adopted any breathing methods. She kept telling me that when labor comes, that she had no idea where she wanted to be with it, it could be the bed, the couch, the tub, the birthing ball, she had no idea, so she wanted no plan. She just wanted to face the pain head on with no distractions and conquer it. The main focus became not setting anything into place that would make it feel like things weren't going as planned if she decided she had no use for it. We kept comparing the whole thing to a cat in labor... ya know how they wander and move around until they find that perfect little spot, plant themselves in it, and set to work. Cole became that cat. So I planned to just watch her close, move with her, and when she settled, to set up camp and let her do her thing.

When Cole had confirmed this baby was coming, I called our midwife (Christine), and our doula (Brigan), and started unpacking all the supplies and getting things ready. Cole planted herself in bed and we had my laptop opened up to the contraction master, and were timing her contractions. The very first thing that became apparent was that she was not in any kind of rhythm here. Her contractions were erratic and long, and came quickly, all of these things were tell tales of false alarms. We spent the first hour by ourselves, we talked thru scenarios, and things to watch out for with our midwife on the phone, and she let us know she would start to get things ready on her end, and to check back with her in an hour or so. I kept setting things up, and making all the necessary calls, and Cole kept timing. I had watched her face in the past weeks wait out Braxton Hicks contractions, and I could tell she was feeling something so very different at this point. I also noticed that the bed had become her choice for sanctuary and she really dug in. So I let an hour pass and we looked at this confusing mess of contractions that jumped from 3 minutes apart to 10, and would last almost 3-4 minutes each time. I checked her cervix and confirmed she was at 1cm or a "stretchy 2" as I was informed they say.

And then that was when it happened, the moment that made everything slow down, and we hadn't realized it. Cole wanted time with me before this all started to get intense, so she could uncork the emotional plug, and let loose, and say her goodbyes to whatever she was feeling. But Brigan (doula) had arrived and the moment had passed. Something we both should have noticed and corrected immediately. In all of the prep and calling, we forgot to save that time for just us, and before we knew it, it was gone, she was in labor land, and she was working. I noticed over these next hours how far apart we drifted. I was relaying messages, making calls, hooking up hoses to pools, unpacking supplies, making food, and Cole was working thru her contractions with Brigan. We set out on a walk around the block for a couple laps, as an exercise to keep things moving and to encourage Cole to actually physically walk thru some of the early pain of her contractions. Things were still not in rhythm. Not quite as confused as before, but the duration started to make sense, the space between continued to be random. We got back to our house and our neighbors were standing outside and we had informed them of what was going down prior, and Cole shouted to them, "Don't call the cops on us or anything, it isn't domestic abuse, I'm going to be having a baby tonight." to which our neighbor replied, "Oh honey, I am so sorry you have to go thru this." and Cole said quickly, "I'm not!" That little conversation said a lot for me. It confirmed she was not afraid, and that her sense of humor was intact, and that is always a good sign. When Cole stops being funny, things are bad.

The bulk of her 12 hour labor was her move to 3 cm. Almost all of it. I would say a good 8 hours of it in fact. It took her all that time to get to 3, and it was a mix of moving from bed, to couch, to ball, to standing, to toilet. One thing Cole had been so afraid of is pooping in the birth pool when she was pushing, so she kept going to the bathroom during her early labor and making sure she had taken care of business. She would come out and say, "Okay, I think I got it all out, no poop in the pool." She informed me that she wasn't concerned with us seeing her poop, she just DID NOT want her baby being born in "poop water." There was a point during this phase of labor that worried me, I felt like she was resisting. She wasn't in the head space I knew she wanted to be in. But I still had no idea what was making her fight against this. At this point her Mama had arrived and our midwife had come earlier than planned, (to keep me at ease mostly). I had expressed concern that I wanted to be able to hear the baby during Cole's early contractions and make sure it was okay. This was a fear born from the short hospital experience when Cole had the fever, and we listened to the heart for 24 hours straight. So we were all in place, all set up, and there for Cole. I found it strange that she chose to labor in bed most of those hours, her and I both knew that she did not want to be in that bed. This was another indicator that she was not in the head space she wanted to be in. We were both still looking for that moment alone to be together.

During these hours we watched Cole breathe thru her contractions, take pain, and we kept her hydrated and as comfortable as possible. Her Mama and Brigan were wonderful with her. I kept my distance because I really felt like they were going to be able to make her feel the best. This just added to the problem as Cole later told me she just kept feeling like I was getting further and further away. So she would fight the moments until I was there. This was also when she would transition into her uber annoyed phase. Smells would annoy her, and tastes grossed her out, her clothes wanted to come off, her contractions were still never consistent, and finally at 3cm when she was tired of the building pain, she asked if she could try the pool out. I had started filling it with nice warm water and almost immediately after she got in, all of her pain stopped. She was smiling, and talking, and joking with her Mom, and we watched her push around the pool and feel light. She kept us all amused and we realized that she had not reported any contraction of any kind since getting in, and it had been 20 minutes. She said, "OH! I might be, I just don't feel them anymore, but my stomach is hard." Our midwife had warned us that sometimes getting in too soon can slow things down, and even bring things to a halt. It was almost 11PM at this point and we knew with how slow things were going, that it would be the early AM before she was in business. So the decision was made that everyone should get to bed, and try and rest, and wait to see how Cole reacted to being out of the water. The plan was for her to try and sleep. If she was in active labor she would not be able to sleep thru her contractions. If this had all stopped from the pool, she would rest just fine, and we would wait to see if it returned. I made sure everyone was comfortable and had a spot to sleep, and then came back into the room with Cole. Just a few minutes after she had gotten out and dry and back in bed, I saw her double over. She was hit with the biggest contraction yet. I jumped up to get everyone back out of bed, and Cole grabbed me and said, "NO, wait. Just sit here a second." and we waited and she had another one just as huge. She asked me to take her into our bathroom and close the door.

As soon as she sat down, and I sat in front of her, she unloaded, she let that emotional plug go that she talked about 8 hours prior when we had missed our chance to have our moment. She cried so hard, mostly about LB and how much she missed him and loved him, and hoped that HE knew how much she loved him. She was so worried that he didn't know. We sat in the bathroom and cried, and talked, and then just as quickly, she stopped. And everything changed. She looked at me and said. "This isn't fake labor. I'm having this baby. I want to get back in that tub." So we set things up, I never had to wake anyone up, because they could hear her really going thru it now, she was back in it, everyone made their way back into that room, you could tell it was so very different now. Cole had become steel, she was so determined, she was owning the moment, she would find the pain threshold with each contraction and plow right thru it. She found her spot in the tub, and planted herself, and you could hear her voice change, low tones controlling the hurt. You know how you can see a person in pain, and their body language is to pull their arms in and curl, and twist, and everything goes inward, and when they say "OUCH" it's yelled out in wimpy vowels and repeated over and over and wincing. Well Cole, was holding herself up and out, and when she would say "OUCH" it was forced out from her low low belly, like she was the one digging in and reaching down and making the pain. She wasn't letting it happen to her, she was hunting it down, grabbing it by the hair and dragging it out of her body. She was a fucking warrior, and I was so in awe of her, and so proud. All of the things I had thought I would have to say, like don't give up, and you can do it, and just hang on, all went out the window. Nobody had to encourage her. She was just doing it. We all just kept saying, "you're doing it Cole." She had slowly moved from Brigan guiding her thru these big contractions, to her Mom, to both Brigan and I holding her arms and keeping her in place, to just her and I locked in on one another. She was in a whole other place far far away from all of us, and she just wanted to feel that I was there with her. Her tunnel vision was kicking in and she just needed to feel that her and I were connected. I have never felt more locked into a person in my life. There was a point when I had looked away to help Cole's Mom find something and Cole went bonkers, "Stop, STOP IT, STOP!" and I was kept thinking to myself, what did I just do?! I didn't learn till the next day that she had gotten pissed because I looked away while she was having a contraction.

So there we were, gathered around the pool. All eyes on Cole.

A little over an hour after getting back in the tub, Cole looked at me and said she wanted Christine, she was ready to push. Nobody sitting in that room except for Cole thought there was any way she was ready, so Christine got in the pool to check, and I saw her face change, she was straight up surprised. If it was a Scooby Doo episode she would have said "ZOIKS!" she let Cole know that she was there, she was for sure 10 cm and good to go, and that if she felt like pushing to go ahead and try the next time she felt that urge. She said to let her body tell her when to push, and go with it for a little while. At this point it was more than apparent that Cole had in fact been listening to her body and knew what was going on. It was obvious after the first couple of pushes that she was moving fast and being productive. Not too fast thankfully, her body had time to stretch, and the babies head was getting that nice pressure. The hour she spent pushing felt like it happened within just a handful of seconds. I remember everything in little flashes. Her arms were going to jelly and were shaking so hard from exhaustion, she had been hanging on to the side of the pool for so long. So I would just hold her in place when she pushed, and we would count to 10 for her, and she milked every second out of each contraction. Pushing hard 3 times for each one for 10 seconds. This was the part when my legs fell asleep, and my stomach was hurting so bad I thought I was going to shit in my pants. I kept thinking, okay dude, don't be that asshole that actually announces that his stomach hurts while his wife is in labor, you will never be forgiven for your stupidity. So I just kept my trap shut, and all of my little aches and pains quickly disappeared. Can you imagine what kind of asshole would stop to complain about anything during his wife's labor? I hear it happens. People are insane.

There was never a point during this stage of labor that I was scared, or thought she couldn't do it. I did however get a little tricked and caught off guard. The first 3cm had lulled me into this head space that everything would take hours, and that there was plenty of time between each contraction to process, and feel, and equalize. Now here we were right on the cusp. Her contractions were so hard, and she was nearing the tipping point "the ring of fire." It was at this point that just after she had let out a low dug in howl that she caught her breath and looked up at me, I was holding her arms down, and she said, "make sure you drink some juice, you might not get a chance to again." I mean seriously? In the middle of intense labor, while the baby is crowning, she was worried about me staying hydrated. That is love :) The next contraction came and the head was moving in and out, and Christine told us, "this baby has so much hair." and I remember I just kept telling Cole, "she has hair, just like you wanted." and "you're doing it." over and over. Then while I was looking down at the water, trying to see a glimpse of what was coming out, I saw a big spurt of blood jet thru the water with such a force it cleared to the other side of the pool. I was officially scared. I heard Christine tell Cole very calmly and matter of factly, "You have to push right now, now!" and with that in 3 pushes, there was a baby in the water. Cole rolled over onto her back, there was so much blood in the water I could barely see the baby, and Christine swam her over and held the baby out of the water and placed her onto Cole, and I noticed that this baby was limp. I mean lifeless, not moving at all, no color, no movement, no sound, and I lost it. I buried my head into Cole's neck and just kept saying, "Oh no. Come on baby, Come on baby, please baby, move baby" and in what was really only a few seconds, they had started wiping away the vernix, and I could see white skin turn pink. Cole turned the babies head toward me and I finally saw those eyes. Blinking, and moving, and then she spoke. Just a tiny little cry. But it was noise. Everything in my body went back to their respective places, and I could feel myself breathing again. I heard Cole ask, "Is it a boy or a girl" and Christine said, "That's for you to tell us." All of the sudden I heard Cole say happily, "It's a girl." and everyone was like, "how do you know?" because the baby was wrapped in towels and had been planted on Cole's chest. Cole had reached under the water and felt with her hand and said, "because it doesn't have any balls!" and then I remember crying again. Just for a second, just to get it out, and I felt that deep breath fill me back up again. And Cole and I sucked it up and our moment was over, and we were apart again.





Our baby girl was here and she was greeted with a collective laugh, and sighs of relief, and joy. This all gets blurry and weird, I was cutting the cord, then being handed the baby, and then I looked down seconds later and the placenta was floating in a plastic bowl in the water, and Cole was being stood up and wrapped in towels. She stepped up and over the side of the pool and I looked down and it looked like something right out of a Tarintino movie, like a gallon bucket of blood and tissue hit the floor and splattered at her feet. "HOLY SHIT! Did that just come out of you?" Cole looked down and very calmly asked, "Am I dying?" she was quickly reassured, as was I, and they got her into bed after a quick rinse off, and checked all her goods and her bleeding and the report came in after careful inspection, that she was all good. She looked great, she had done it. She was laying in our bed, in our home, and I was holding our healthy baby girl in my arms in our room, and I remember thinking, how are we ever going to sell this house, or move away from here? I got into bed with Cole and we looked at this little tiny baby and I couldn't hear anything anymore. People were telling us what to do, and explaining what happens next, and I just couldn't hear anything. I could hear myself saying over and over "I love this little girl so much" and I kept telling Cole I was proud of her. It was after they placed the baby at the foot of the bed, to give her a newborn exam that I picked up my camera for the first time. I couldn't believe I was watching my child thru this lens and taking pictures of her just minutes after she came into the world.



Christine had said that within a couple hours after the birth, that Cole and I would want everyone out of our house, so that we could be alone with the baby. She said that it would happen, and I said, "NO way!" But it was true. I just wanted to feel calm again. I cleaned as fast I could, and made sure Cole was comfortable. The baby had started nursing almost immediately so they were in bed being happy and I was racing around cleaning our toilet that looked like a murder scene after Cole went pee for the first time. We said our goodbyes and thanked everyone for being so amazing and supporting Cole during this birth and we were alone in the room with Tessa for the first time. Cole's Mom spent the night and was a hero for us, making sure she remembered all the instructions and details that we never heard, and made sure we could just be with that baby. Cole and I laid in bed with Tessa in-between us and I texted friends and family, "It's a Girl" and we just watched her move, and her eyes dart around the room. And she was ours. Little parts of the both of us. Filled with the power to buckle knees and 100% magic. I remember laying there regretting every cigarette, and every night of drinking, and all the shitty food that has shortened my life, and I wanted to take it all back. We stayed awake till the sun was almost up, retelling the story to one another, and being amazed, and here she was. Tessa. She was a part of this family. She was here. Cole had done it. She had this baby exactly how she wanted to--the way she was told by her old Doctor she would never be able to do. Cole is just one of those people that can say she is going to do something, and then actually does all the work it takes to make it happen. She doesn't sit around and dream about the good life, she makes the good life, and I love her so much for giving me this experience, and for bringing this little girl into the world on her terms, her way, and for showing this old coward what real courage is.



And then my wife got Double D's and we all lived happily ever after :)

All the Love in the Universe ~ Us



Tessa Tangerine 2 days old

Tweet

The Kid Is Working it Out

A big week is going down. The Littlest Buddy is adjusting to a family of four. He is always excited to be around Tessa, and wants to hug her constantly, anytime he can, he asks to hold her... but by days end after sharing her with us, he is one frustrated little buddy.

this was first thing this morning, saying goodbye before he went to school


By the end of the day and some serious pouting, this kid was so tense you could see it in his walk. So... sometimes you just need to get your frustration out on poor Marco when the world hands you a sister. This kid is getting so good at Wii sports.



Hang in there Little Buddy, you are going to be alright.

All the Love in the Universe ~ Me

I would like to get specific with this comment section and ask anyone that had a problem with transitioning to a family of 3 to 4... exactly how long did it take for the older sibling to get used to sharing their Mama with a new baby? I mean is it going to be years? Should we not be letting him get good at boxing? That last one was a joke...

I know this is common for kids to get all butt hurt. But I want to know how long. So the comment section is open. Spare no details.

Tweet

Going Light

THIS IS A BIG HAPPY GLOWING PRODUCT ENDORSEMENT inspired by my wife that saved me from baby gear...

The other day Cole and I had to go to a second visit to the pediatrician, mainly because we had a home birth, and in some circles that makes us crazy prairie folk :) so they wanted to see Tessa twice despite a glowing report on her first visit. I guess I understand the fuss, but it was rough on Cole when she should have been resting. If we could do it over again, we would have found a way to either get a house call (yeah right) or insisted on the second visit be scheduled well after she had more bed rest. So we went, and Cole was super for moving around, getting going, and sitting on her sore vagina on that hard plastic chair in the waiting room. We sat in this little newborn waiting area with a few other couples and their new babies, and it was serious fun to see all the faces, figure out who was easing into it, who was scared shitless, who was an old pro. This one Dad said hi to me right when I walked in, and he said it like: "Holy shit dude, this is crazy right?!" All he said was hi, but I got the rest of the message and agreed with him 100%

That was when it happened and I had my moment of pride that inspired this post; I watched another man across from me struggle with 15 items of worthless crap just to move from the waiting room to the office visit, and his little boy strapped into this giant car seat carrier, as they banged the thing around on their calves, and knees, and corners of door jams. It didn't look fun. I looked around our feet where we were sitting and realized that we had done it! The one thing I had talked so much with Cole about had been accomplished, and we sat there with no clutter and were not shadowed by mountains of baby gear. I totally forgot about it when we left the house for the first time. I was just so worried about Cole moving around too soon that we never discussed all the worries I had of being another baby accessory. But it didn't matter. It's fine. It isn't going to happen. I never should have doubted her. She had the baby in a sling, and her giant milk filled boobs for food, and I had a couple extra diapers and a ziploc of wipes in my back pocket for any emergencies. We moved freely and without annoyance. I was proud. I had avoided being the dude standing in the parking lot with a hundred pounds of baby gear hanging off of him while the car is being packed. What a freaking relief. I can't tell you how much I was dreading that scenario in this ridiculous FL summer.

It really has been a worry ever since I wrote about it weeks ago. Now we DO have all the stuff at home as hand me downs, and gifts, the giant two kid stroller included, and I am sure at some point we will bust it out for some grand involved park outing or something... but for a trip to the store, or to the Doctor? I just don't get it. I have not worn this baby yet, and Cole was sure to pick out a reversible sling so I can switch it to sensible black if I ever end up having this responsibility. That is where I draw the line, I am not going to get crazy and start sporting these or anything... If it was up to me I would do like everything else that needs carrying and shove it in my back pocket. But I think I would rather help Cole out with baby carrying if it means no gear.

Now before you get all attacked feeling or like I'm wagging a giant judging finger down on gear heads, you relax. It was just something that made me personally uncomfortable, and I had seen so many sad man faces in parking lots standing next to cars with pounds of baby gear hanging off their bodies, and it was something I wanted no part of. I often thought that maybe it was something that women had not considered, maybe they didn't realize that there was a level of annoyance brewing under all that plastic and bags within their men, and maybe it was something that just doesn't get discussed ahead of time while baby planning. Something else to consider is that there are just some people that find comfort and thrill in the bells and whistles of all that stuff. I like my steak seasoned with a little salt and pepper and barely cooked so I can taste the steak and the blood of the animal, and then some people like to marinate it for a week, age it, and flavor it, and grill it in heavy smoke, and then dump sauce all over it. We all love steak, we just choose to enjoy the experience in different ways. Does that help? No?

The other day I saw a link on Leigh's blog Marvelous Kiddo to a flick group of baby wearing. It was awesome to see so many cultures that have to keep it light to function and get their shit done and it just looked natural. Love flickr groups like this. So I shot a couple of pics of Cole when we were done with a walk outside watching the sky turn three shades of pink and orange as the sun went down and I thought about how lucky I was for a million reasons.

Reversible Leaves Noir by: Hotslings



Side Story: That giant 3ft tall Marigold behind Cole was a Mother's Day present from LB that he grew from a seed. We have been waiting for it to bloom forever and it finally did the day Tessa was born when the sun came up. It was amazing. We would check it everyday and no flower. The morning we woke up on her birthday there was a flower. I have never seen a marigold grow this tall. LB must have planted a little magic with that flower.

All the Love in the Universe ~ Me

Tweet

Week 40

So this is it - Week 40 - and just like that the maternity series is all done... It felt so good to have this little wiggling happy ending all wrapped up in Cole's arms for this last picture. We took this on Sunday morning, so it was exactly one week since Cole felt that first big contraction and labor began. As promised I am going to sit down tonight to write the big long winded blow by blow birth story of little Tessa Tangerine, when I get it all remembered I will post it up. I also have to mention that I have a pretty amazing project nearing completion that involves the maternity series, I had originally planned it as a surprise for Cole, (but as mentioned before I cannot help myself and told her what was going down a few weeks ago). I will do my best not to ruin it for all of you, but my buddy at Category Five Films has been hard at work, and my friend Devin of Rabbit fame joined in, and we are hard at work to get this done soon. So there will be one last surprise with the series... and I am so freaking excited to see it all finished and tied together. It takes a ton of time to finish, and it has been impossible with Tessa in the house being all cute and adorable.

I never could have guessed that when I started this series for Cole that it would get so much love from around the world and draw people to this blog the way it has, but it has been amazing to see it pop up all over the web, it was certainly overwhelming at times. I would track it down and read the descriptions wherever it would make an appearance, and I always think how wonderful it was that someone liked what we were doing so much that they re-posted it. And to all the peeps over at American Apparel that got involved and befriended our little family, thank you so much for not only reading along, but spreading the word. It feels weird to want to thank so many people for the love they gave this series, but it meant so much to us that people were touched by it. The plan from the beginning was to make a hard cover book for the baby to give to Him/Her when they were older. Cole and I both decided that we would make it a little more involved than we had originally planned, we are going to place in posts that are relevant from here, and I want to include some posts from Cole's Live Journal about the pregnancy. Geez, for a couple of people that have a hard time keeping gifts a secret, how the hell are Cole and I supposed to wait till Tessa is old enough to give her this book?! I'm not sure when the right age will be, I figure we will just know when she needs to see it, or maybe it will be one of these things that she gets the first time she tells me she hates me because I won't let her date a boy that is a few years older, has bad tribal tattoos, smokes the pot, and drives a car with bench seats. Ugh. Either way, I hope she will know when she sees this book how excited we were to meet her, and will enjoy this gift.

So here is the last in the maternity series for Tessa, Week 40.

Fine Jersey Leisure Dress by: American Apparel

A few people have asked if I had planned to keep going with a weekly series of the baby growing up. And the short answer is: I have no idea. I figure something will come up all on its own. These kinds of things tend to get cooked up when Cole and I sit around and talk. So I would guess that a new series will start eventually. I am hoping that LB will get over his camera shyness soon and go back to wanting me to take his picture again. We are going to give it a try this week.

I do have a new idea for a weekly maternity series that I want to get working on sooner than later, but I need to find the right subject, location, and convince someone to donate the wardrobe. I'm looking at YOU Nicole Richie and your new maternity line that will be out next year. No pressure. Just think it over. Make it rain. Don't be a dreamsmasher :)

When the next maternity series happens, I will be setting up a separate blog for it, and just post the weekly work, and any other maternity, or baby birthing related work I do. I never would have guessed that I would have so much fun shooting pregnancy, but this experience really drew me in, I am hooked. And I would love to continue creating original concepts for expecting clients interested in making a series. So if you live in Orlando... I am open for business. Pregnancy is a gorgeous thing, and I love the emotion that is attached to the subject.

All the Love in the Universe ~ Me

P.S. I plan on posting a ridiculous amount this week, so look out for a ton of noise from me, and sorry in advance if you left an awesome comment and I didn't even say thanks back. I hope you know that I sit and read them to Cole at night and they mean a lot. I also have a new folder in my inbox marked "people I HAVE to write back or I am a huge asshole" and it is filled with every nice email I have ever received (even some mean ones). Letters from this week to months ago. I feel awful that I haven't written back, it is hard for me because i am such a long winded loud mouth and it takes me forever. So I am making an effort to get back to people this month. The best way to get me to write back right away, is to offer me a job :)

P.S.S. For any of you going to that lady party Blog Her I will be there for a hot minute. I'm flying in for a quick hang with the hilarious Mama Pop crew, and then shooting classy pictures at the big Mama Pop party, then getting my ass back home to this family early the next morning. So if you are going, look to say hi. I will be the creep hiding behind my camera and shooting your pictures partying like you're a 21 year old lunatic.

P.S.S.S. If you did not stop by here this weekend, be sure to scroll down I posted a couple of pics and thoughts over the weekend which I usually never do.

Tweet

She Loves the Click Click Click

Lucky for me this little girl loves the sound of the camera, and once it starts firing she stares right down the barrel, and I get this...

Holy Wow!

All the Love in the Universe ~ Me

Tweet

Updates from Bliss

And then all of the sudden Cole was a Double D... and we lived happily ever after.

That should be the end to the birth story for sure. I just keep writing that last line over and over again. laughing. I can't imagine how insane it would be if Cole's belly came in as fast as her boobs did when that milk geyser erupted in her body and her boobs swelled with breast milk. She went from having boobies to tits in just a few hours. No wonder they ache so very much. But lucky enough this baby is a feeder. She is not shy about getting on a tit and setting to drain it... we have had no problems in that dept. To be honest we have had no problems at all. The only thing to report is some real stubborn gas, as it is a real challenge to burp this little lady. We usually try a few methods and one will eventually work. She loves being burped lucky for us, and she will let us fumble around as much as we want without being fussy.

Cole and I have been so amazingly lucky so far and this girl is a solid and quiet person at night. I am reluctant to report this (because I don't want to jinx anything) but she sleeps thru the night very well. People ask, "you must be so exhausted?" and we say, "no, we are good actually." and then they insist... "NO, you're exhausted!" so we say, "Okay, we are exhausted." and finally they say, "It's going to just keep getting worse." and offer up apologies and unsolicited advice.

In regards to sleeping, Tessa loves to nap on her tummy on top of one of us, (i just wrote tummy, I'm a goner. MUST FIGHT CUTE SPEAK.) Almost all of her days are filled with giant naps and I have been sure to consistently be loud and busy so she gets used to sleeping thru noise, noise, NOISE. As this is an active house and LB will be back after this weekend and we plan on getting back to full swing with our life.



People keep asking me... "So what's the difference? What's it like having a baby now?" and the best example I can think of is this. I started writing this post at like 9AM and it has taken me until 1:45 to wrap it up. Not because I have my hands full, or I am running around with clothes pins on my nose and shit diapers hanging from tongs. But because, about every 15 seconds this baby does something so monumentally adorable that I close my laptop and stare at her. She is amazing. It is like any relationship I guess. Like when one of your friends suddenly drops off the face of the earth because they are falling in love, and they become consumed, the chemicals coursing thru their bodies pumping their hearts hard, stirring up butterflies, and depositing lumps in throats. We have fallen off the face of the earth and are just consumed.

The only source of sadness at all is that we both miss LB so very much. Cole needed the recovery time, her bleeding is way down, she can be active more than a few hours without going to mush. She is on her way to feeling that spring in her step. We have a full week planned with LB and the baby to get their lives intertwined. And boy am I nervous. When he is around the baby he is so sweet with her, he just needs to feel his routine again and know it isn't going away.

Happy fourth of America day. I am not a fan of the holiday. But will still eat ribs and stand in the yard and look at the sky and say WOW that was a big one like the rest of you Americans. Everyone be safe tonight and remember it is never funny to aim roman candles at your friends, no matter how drunk you get.

All the Love in the Universe ~ Us

P.S. I should clarify. I am a fan of freedom and independence and am not anti-American. I am just not a fan of how the holiday is celebrated, which mostly consists of over eating, over drinking, and being obnoxious assholes. Oh wait... I just described the majority of Americans. Whoops :)

P.S.S. JUST to prove how truly American we are, I posted a picture of what we ate to celebrate our nations independence today. We cleaned our plates, but were bummed that I undercooked the freedom fries, but the ribs were grand. Then we rubbed Barbecue sauce on Cole's nipples before she breast fed Tessa so she could celebrate too :) Can't wait to watch the 50 thousand dollar firework show our city decided we needed during this recession. I'm sure it will be worth it when they see all the satisfied unemployed faces...

Tweet