The Sounds

I stood hidden from the hustle of a city today, tucking my slouch safely away into a store front, out from the busyness of the street. I had just buckled and gave in from walking out a crisp walk to welcome the warmth of the afternoon on my back. I was taking a second in this heat to try and feel like the kid giant that used to know these streets, searching for that height, but failed when I noticed the absence of my sounds. There was a time when I walked a few inches taller in this space, and now I am here minus a head, I am small. I am all shoulders and fumbling hands, bouncing off of the flow of the crowd that's surging along with purpose. My head remains a thousand miles south in the embrace of my love, and there it is, all open ears and bright eyes listening for the familiar sounds of the children so that my mouth can hold its smile. I can't hear anything here without it. I was beaten today, and so I got off of the street and am here now: lying in this freezing hotel room, tucked into a heavenly bed, shitty cable on the TV, mini bar ravaged, none of this can replace my sounds. No amount of amenities can replace them. There are no late night knocks on the door, music boxes, giggles, hearing "hi" 10,000 times in a row, her laugh, I love Cole's laugh -- I can't hear my life here. I can't sleep without these sounds.

Tomorrow will be easier, I will get dressed and find a new mind that was packed away in my suitcase with the notebooks and pens, and I will place it atop of my perfectly pressed business casual shirt, my mind will come alive with promise, and I will plant myself again in a position to provide-- and I will do it well. The first night far away keeps getting harder with each trip. They are becoming part of our "routine." The absence has made it apparent that I always want them around me, as much as possible. I have always wanted this kind of sickness. I've never had it before. This is the kind of loneliness that makes a man feel complete. Like he did it right. Every time I figure out a way to earn a dollar it is with the intention that enough of these will keep our life lovely. Isn't this what we are all trying to do? Lead lovely lives. We are trying to work enough so that we can get the chance to stop being away. Work long enough so that we can enjoy our loves leisurely.

And so we all keep working. Keep working.

All the Love in the Universe ~ Me

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