When I Need Help Helping, I Ask

I am feeling heavy tonight and all of the sudden it is 1:00 AM and I am wide ass awake and typing away.

I have been thinking so much about the career I am running down, and being the best I can at it, being sure to dream up creative ways to tell the story of pregnancy. This is all coming on the heels of realizing that the subject matter I have chosen to focus on (maternity series & documenting births) is something that isn’t traditionally done by men. I never really stopped to think about it before (and feel kind of dumb for not realizing it actually). I just went so quickly from photographing Cole week to week and being swept in by the emotion of watching a little human person grow and come into this world-- that I just knew that was what I wanted to photograph and focus my attention on. Life happening. How amazing to get to photograph that kind of joy, and anticipation, and nervous buzz and hum of a brand new meeting on a regular basis. It wasn’t until I put myself out there and tried to find some clients that I realized… “you are a dude, and people think it is weird that you want to do this.” I had some cancellations, some NO ways, some possibilities not work out, I was honestly blind sided by the oversight on my part that this is a niche in the photography world that is largely filled by women. Great.

So it isn’t back to the drawing board or anything, it is just something that will take time. As a body of work forms, the photo essays will speak volumes, and the right clients will find me, and I will find them. It is just frustrating (and I am venting a little) I am not worried about it not happening. I just had that slap in the head moment of “this isn’t going to be easy dummy.” So while having these amazing experiences witnessing the glow of new life radiating from photo subjects, and being able to be around excited happy mothers hell bent on healthy pregnancies and birth plans, with supportive husbands in tow, it forced me to think of the other side of all of this. I started thinking about the millions of women who are terrified to have their babies, the millions of women who know that labor could mean the end of their own lives. I couldn't stop thinking how unfair it is that moms in other parts of the world will not meet their babies in a clean safe supportive environment, these new lives will begin with pain, and stress, and for way to many of these newborns losing their mothers along the way. It isn't fair. So much of this can be turned around with education and the training of new Midwives in these parts of the world.

All of that had been building and getting the fire in my belly sparking while I was trying my best at research and letter writing in an attempt to capture the other side of this photography. I want to tell stories through pictures about efforts that are being made to battle back devastating maternal and infant mortality rates. Half a million woman around the world die each year from giving birth-- there are some amazing groups that put together missions to educate and teach midwifery to keep expectant mothers out of dangerous birthing conditions, and really create the opportunity for the birth of their babies to be experienced in safety and harmony, and it’s an incredible and brave effort, and I want to tell these stories, and well… I am stuck. I have tried all of the ways that I know how to reach out and make this happen or even start a dialogue to make this happen, and I have been unsuccessful so far. I just feel like I am asking to help and people are like… why? I want to help bring these stories to an audience that can make a difference. This is important work being done all over the world, and the more people know, the better chance these kinds of things continue to happen.

I know Haiti has been on everyone’s mind and I have to say that even before the earthquake struck the maternal mortality rate in Haiti was one of the highest in the world and I can’t even begin to imagine what is going on post earthquake devastation to expectant and new mothers in Haiti. Think of how important midwives could be to these nervous mothers in the face of all that is happening right now, think of the role they could be playing. Anyone know if the Red Cross is taking Midwife volunteers? They should be. And then I saw this ARTICLE while I was looking for that answer, and was relieved that is was being addressed to some degree, but I am sure more help is needed. Seriously read the article, follow the link. I will know if you do.

So with that said I am taking suggestions and gathering experiences from anyone who has ventured into humanitarian photography before, anyone that does it now, anyone that has some insight please send along an email located in the About Me tab up there in the ol handy tool bar. Or perhaps you are a midwife who has volunteered before and you can point me in the right direction, I really appreciate it.

All the Love in the Universe ~ Me

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Slowly but Surely

This post was inspired by an email I received recently (and approved by Cole)...

The other night after I got home from being in Las Vegas for a week I walked back into my house at around midnight, the children were asleep, Cole was fighting to stay awake, and all I had been thinking about was how I couldn't wait to make love to my wife and lay next to her and just relax. Of course the baby is asleep in our bed, LB wakes up to the sound of a pin drop, and Cole has to get up for work in 6 hours. Ugh. Well there is always tomorrow. I think it was around 4 days later that Cole and I finally tip-toed to the other end of the house while LB was at school, and Tessa was napping away, that we finally had some awkward (as quiet as possible) sex in the living room with all the blinds closed, so very careful not to make a sound so we don't wake anyone up. Have you ever had sex without making a sound? Try it if you haven't. It's really stupid. Luckily we both thought it was hilarious, and both thought it was ridiculous, and both knew that it had nothing to do with the other and everything to do with the circumstances. Knowing that we are both on the same page that this kind of thing isn't going to fly is comforting, it means that I know we will find a way to remedy the intimacy. Nobody wants to have the "our sex life sucks" talk with one another, so for now we are laughing at the absurdity of the conditions in which we can actually have sex.

Sometimes the opportunity creeps up and surprises us, maybe the kids fell fast asleep at bedtime at the same time, nobody is fighting it off, we aren't completely exhausted, and we're like "Oh yeah! We can totally do this. Do you want to? You do?!" Then I am like "FUCK!! The stupid condoms are all the way in the back of the house." And all of the sudden I am a grown man tip toeing through the dark house as quiet as a mouse, trying not to breathe, down the hallway past LB's door, into the bedroom, opening the dresser drawer as sloooooow as humanly possible, avoiding the creaky floor board--stop, pause, the baby is stirring, no-- NO-- NOOOOOOO!! she woke up. Baby starts screaming. I just walk into the shower and stand there. We missed our chance. It's gone. I am still at the point where I think this stuff is funny, so it's okay. I never thought that the movie "Big Daddy" with Adam Sandler was funny, but now all I can think of is that scene where he is eating that Frito as quiet as possible while the kid is napping, and I am laughing my ass off-- "it's true! it's so true." Oh man.

I am convincing myself that it won't be like this forever.

And I know that it won't.

While our sex life has been on pause, the big difference I have noticed is the frequency in which I say completely filthy stuff to Cole throughout the day about all the things that I want to do to her. Of course this does little to build romance and anticipation, and does more harm than good in building my case for sex later in the night. But it definitely does a lot for the hilarious factor around the house. I take great pride in making Cole's jaw drop with filthy innuendos, and in turn she will totally shock me and do embarrassing things like hump the air like a teenager while the kids have their heads turned, or do the old classic tongue in the cheek BJ face. All of this is a sign that there is some sense of humor intact about the building frustration, but the real actual hard work to get back to blissful intimacy is about to begin. We are making a move that matters.

We are taking our bed back.

It's time to switch Tessa to the crib full time and free our nights of the baby pulling at Cole. It's time to get this baby out of the bed, so when I wake up with a morning boner I am not immediately stricken with shame, "there's a baby in the bed, how could you do this to me? Go away morning boner." Now I have to stop and realize for a second that this is where Cole and I differ. Here is what I mean: Freeing up the bed for Cole means ridding herself of being a human pacifier and her boobs being assaulted all times of the night by Tessa, wrecking any consistent solid satisfying sleep she might get. I sleep just fine, Cole has a baby clawing at her body every hour for snuggles and flesh. I honestly don't know how she does it. For me getting the baby out of the bed means that I get to assault Cole's boobs all times of the night and wreck any chance at all at a solid nights sleep. haha I am kidding. sort of. I just want my wife back. It's to the point when I feel guilty spooning up to Cole cause I know she has reached the limit of anyone touching her between the demands of both the kiddos. So here I come looking for affection and well... I might as well be trying to hug a hornets nest. Knowing why shit happens the way it happens is fine, but convincing yourself not to take it personal is the challenge. And I admit there are some days that I struggle with it and let myself get all butt hurt and frustrated. That is when I have to slap sense into my face and man up, and just realize that this is just part of the sacrifice of having children. It was one of those things that married couples with kids said would happen that you don't want to listen to. Of course we knew that part of deciding to co-sleep with Tessa was going to seriously impair our likelihood of finding time to be intimate, but when these kinds of decisions are being made just after Cole pushing Tessa out and into this earth, the last thing Cole was thinking of was, "man I can't wait to get something between my legs!"

I wasn't sure what was going to happen after she gave birth to Tessa. Eventually slowly, sex comes back into the picture. We were like... so, we want to give this a try again? And it is seriously scary. Will I hurt her? Will it feel so bad she won't want to do it again EVER? Is it too soon? We had been told stories of people showing up to their postpartum exams and announcing that they were pregnant again. and we were like... hmmm, The Duggar's? But yeah. We waited. And we tried. And it sucked. It was like playing a game of operation, and if I touched the sides, Cole would punch me in the nose. We just stared at one another and I would watch her face for any sign of distress, and she was looking back at me with this face that people make when they have to poop really bad and there isn't a toilet around anywhere and we kept saying: "I love you." I can't imagine it is like that for everyone, maybe some people wait longer, maybe some people just don't worry as much, maybe some people just like it to hurt? Who knows, but it gets better, and better, and better again, until months later there are new things being tried out and I am the one wincing in pain. The point is that it gets better-- and that is how this whole post started, someone had written and asked that very question. And I admit I was a little taken aback at first when someone wrote to ask about sex postpartum and wanted some perspective from people who have just gone through it, and then I realized that it is absolutely something people just don't talk about. And maybe something like this would help? Who knows if it did.

So I am going to be clear and finish this off and speak directly to that reader...

All I know is that the chemical reactions and hormones coursing through Cole from the point of conception till now is making it so that she has at least another year (maybe longer) before she is feeling like her old self again, so the fact that she even has a sex drive at all makes me feel so very lucky. It isn't the same for everyone, hormones are unpredictable and tolerances are different. You know this :) So yeah. I know I am lucky, but I am also patient and that is the true path to getting things back to normal again. Patience coupled with a sense of humor, on top of understanding, saves everything. Everything. From the email you wrote I would imagine that you all will be back to full speed just in time for the baby to start blowing your chances. I really do think babies are birth control, they exhaust you, they keep you busy, they do not want another baby coming around and getting on their mamas boobs. They do everything they can to keep their parents from having sex. Anyway, I promise you won't actually rip in half, thanks for writing, and good luck.

All the Love in the Universe ~ Me

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My Dad Book Solution

Every once in awhile a few commenter’s here will say something about a book that should be written by me about stuff, and babies, and baby stuff, and YES of course it’s flattering that anyone on the face of this earth would ever suggest that I write anything that be published. It was happening more often when Cole was heading for the big push and I was really spilling my guts about the process and writing a lot about the details. Since then I have had a real tight leash on my tongue about the baby stuff, and keeping all of this wonder of magical milestones business to myself. So when someone mentioned the book thing in a recent post it got me thinking about it all again. I did have an idea at one point, the caveat being that beyond my despicable grammar and low self-esteem, I just really don’t have anything that useful to say to Dads that are waiting for the big show. I mean of course I can fake a bunch of confidence and give some sound advice if they have specific things to ask, but I just don’t have it in me to pass down any bits of wisdom I gleaned from my one experience being around a pregnant woman. I don’t feel like I have the muscle to lift anyone to enlightenment.

But…

What I do know for sure is that there is a real need for better info written for Dad’s in a way that isn’t reduced down to facts disguised as fart jokes, and to the other end, so unrealistically supportive that no man will ever want to read any of it or carry out the suggestions. What I am saying is I have not identified anything written in a voice that a guy can motor through enthusiastically. I’m not saying it doesn’t exist, I am saying I haven’t seen it.

Here is an idea: A book written by a guy explaining all the shit he thought he did right during his partners pregnancy, and then his partner can correct him and say “actually all of that was really annoying and I wanted to fucking kill you.” And then she can say what he should of done instead. It can be called “No Idiot. Do It This Way!” I kid. I’m kidding. That is awful stereotyping on my part. I threw that in there to illustrate a point that as far as I can tell most of these books that rise to the surface, are made for the masses and usually that means stereotypes are heavy handed.

Everyone is different. I don’t think advice books work because—well, there are some women that want their dude to take his shirt off and hold her tummy to tummy in an embrace of support, and pose for pictures, and then there are some women who find photos like that one on the internet and shows it to her husband, and they laugh their asses off together about it in a supportive embrace. People are just so different-- and I can’t imagine that any man is going to get it all right and handle things with grace because he read the perfect advice book. Too often these things read like an instruction manual on how to not make people mad and upset. They treat the pregnancy like a bomb ticking down and making it angry will make it all explode.

Here is an idea: A book called: “Come on Stupid, I’m Pregnant” I am kidding again. I’m kidding. Geez. Being shy on handing out advice I keep resorting to stupid jokes. When Cole was pregnant the biggest source of sense came from our midwife Christine, she had a great way of just explaining what was physically and chemically going on in Cole’s body. Knowing the loose science behind the miracle going on in her belly made everything easier. I felt like less of a helpless idiot and it made her feel better that I knew what was going on inside of her. So that is why I came up with the greatest idea ever. We couldn’t just call our midwife every single time we had a thought. So why not invent a source of info that you have 24 hour access to-- like one of those smart-alecky hologram Doctors on Star Trek. Since we aren’t there yet with the technology, the next best thing I could think of was a Mii.

I am putting it out here on the internet for everyone to see so that when someone steals my amazing idea I can turn around and sue them for their thievery and shame them publically.

I want to make a video game that works with the Wii balance board. It will track a woman’s growing belly weekly, and when the pregnant subject steps onto the balance board not only does the Mii change and grow and let you know if weight is being gained in a healthy natural way, but it can have a ton of animated breakdowns of what is going on with the growing baby. How the heart beat should sound, how the baby is developing each week. Have the options and interface to put in results from pee tests so it can give diet and nutrition suggestions-- And of course there would be an I-phone app for it as well, so you have your info on the go.

So many awesome options with this idea… It would deliver the info in doses that are easy to take, and that is timely and relevant to what is going on with your birth partner week to week. Awesome! High Five! I love it! Someone call Nintendo and lets get to work. In my wildest dreams. But that is my solution for expectant Dads and how I would contribute to the cause.

All the Love in the Universe ~ Me

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Maternity Series (now with new & improved easier to read baby notes)

Hello Monday morning,

So I took a look at the series and realized that maybe, just maybe I had chose a little too light of grey for the text color in Trish's notes to The Bean, and so I gave this exciting new darker look a try. Hope it helps. It was so odd to see Trish show up for her picture this week and watch her walking around asleep on her feet. I swung the door open to greet her and I had that "Oh yeah" moment and remembered how tired Cole was in this phase of her pregnancy. I was like: "how could I have forgotten about this already?" I thought Cole was never going to be awake ever again. So when we started to take this weeks picture I told her: "Just let this exhausted thing happen, don't try and fight it." Her heavy boots barely came off the ground when she did her walk by on this chunk of the block. You can read a million pregnancy books and they will say something like: "You might start to feel extra tired around this time." but maybe they should just change the heads up warning to Dad's to something like this: "You will start to notice that your partner will feel like their brain turned off and her eyes will want to stay closed and tight, there is no amount of sleep that will satisfy their exhaustion... good luck and do not disturb the peace." I mean I have no idea if that is what is going on, but having seen it twice now, that is how I would write the book.

Thanks for tuning in and taking a look. Don't forget to grab that scroll bar and slide on down the road to see the whole series. Someone asked me "why do you keep posting the same picture every week?" I was like "scroll bar." and they were like "Huh?!" and I was like "exactly." I am still working on a new way to present this series and hopefully by next Monday will have something permanent in place. Enjoy.

All the Love in the Universe ~ Me

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Washing it Off

I got in last night from Vegas close to midnight. Cole's father came and scooped me up from the airport and brought me back to my family. I'm not sure what it is exactly about Las Vegas, but it breeds its own kind of ridiculously tired that attaches itself to people and eats their hearts. I don't remember feeling this exhausted when I got home from my flight from Tokyo (which is about 13 hours longer). There is just something about Vegas that makes me feel like I'm in a lingering lip lock with Rogue from X-Men, and every minute I am there my life force is being sucked out of me by this little hot girl slowly killing me. She doesn't mean to kill you and leave you soulless, she just can't help it. That is Vegas.

So of course the entire time I was gone I was missing everyone, and feeling especially anxious that I would miss a big moment with Tessa. So Cole was instructed to keep her cell phone handy at ALL times to capture any major milestone that would go down in my absence. So early this morning she whips out the cell phone for some show and tell, and I am all set to watch Tessa sitting up, or crawling like a pro. No. Instead, I was blown away by The Littlest Buddy being super awesome and I am so proud of him. Here is the video. He looks like a natural...

I am taking the day to get organized and settled back in, and to shake this nasty Vegas feeling. It feels so good to be home. Maybe I will be able to put some of the footage I took together while I was there and show you what I was up to. Maybe.

All the Love in the Universe ~ Me

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Throwing Candy From A Car

Hi:)

So today I wanted to share the second of 3 videos my buddy Mike Marshall and I made for the band Rabbit for their January 19th release. In case you missed it, here is the first post. Yes that's right folks they now have their full length album out, and it is online at all fine digital MP3 downloading centers and ready for you to purchase. In case you're still on the fence about this band, give this video a go and see how you feel. We shot this in Mount Dora on a gorgeous day, driving around in some candy apple red 57 Cadillac convertible alongside Lakeshore Drive.

Candy From A Car from The Panic Room Videos on Vimeo.

If you're still not sure, and you want more music, or if you just can't get enough-- there is actually a site giving away a free track of theirs for a little tune called "Fall Into Love" I believe it is for U.S. only :( Sorry rest of the World, perhaps they will give you something free another time to make it up to you. So for you proud greedy Americans follow this link for the track, and also if you haven't followed this band on Twitter yet here is the link to their new account. None of the band had ever used twitter before so it has been fun watching them figuring it all out. SO... to stay in touch with all four members on twitter, give them a follow HERE.

I hope you enjoy this video. We had fun making it and it is always awesome to be around good chemistry and Devin and Yara really delivered on this one. They just had fun riding around in the back of that car and singing out that tune to one another.

Thanks for watching these Rabbit Videos, and as always--

All the Love in the Universe ~ Me

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Time to Eat

FEED ME



There was the point when I discovered my little girl wasn't squishy and still-- that phase where we would just stand around, hover over her and gawk-- wrapped tight in her blanket-- staying in one place-- content with whatever passed her vantage point. She started to notice the little things, she started to notice EVERYTHING. She started to notice food right away. About a week ago she hit this phase where she got really offended if anyone had the nerve to eat in front of her. Tessa was so curious about food right away. A reader here left some know it all super snarky comment about how we were assholes for letting her taste nasty oatmeal gruel for her first solid. We were assholes for letting that be her tip-toe into solid food land. SHAME!

SHAME!

SHAME!

Boobs are doing great. She still loves breast milk. And is eating just fine.

BUT...

She watches us carefully.

As soon as we sat her down with us at the table when we would eat, she watched, and now, it is completely obvious that she wants to be doing what we are doing. The narration if she was speaking would be: "I want that too." This child just acts like she is the head of the table and has been asking to be passed the heavy gravy since day one. This little baby girl has been pounding her fists for tastes for some time now.

So it begins.

Cole has always been the charge in this new step. So for her she has been planning this new meal plan. AND. When you're friends with a foodie like Gabi, we would be stupid not to ask her for some advice and help.

(This is a picture I took of Gabi one day when we were totally goofing around on a super lifestyles of the rich and famous location scout for a photo shoot. She was pretending that glass was full of Chateau Lafitte.)



Gabi and her main squeeze Jason were absolutely dear to Cole and I during the "all our old friends hate us, because we don't go out anymore" portion of Cole's pregnancy. The two of them had no problem with just making really delicious food and hanging out at home. It was during that time that we realized just how talented Gabi was at making simple uncomplicated meals and some of her dishes became staples in our weekly meal planning. She started taking pics of the meals, and she started her blog.

SO...

When it was time for Tessa to meet food. Cole said: " I want to make baby food with Gabi."

And so they did.

Last week Cole and Gabi got together and made a big full menu for Tessa. Cole had specific tastes for Tessa in mind, and Gabi created the combinations and techniques, and this is what they came up with...

CLICK HERE FOR BABY FOOD MAKING AND TO SEE THE RESULTS and as always thanks for reading and watching.

All the Love in the Universe~ Me


P.S. Gabi kicked her blog off without a comment feature (smart girl) so please feel free to let her know what you think of Honest Fare and the baby food making here in the comment section. Thanks a bunch.

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Fast Forwarding the New Series

First: The response to the new Maternity Series was just awesome last week, super big huge thanks to anyone that reposted, retweeted, linked, discussed, Kirtsied, or stumbled the first look. Again thank you, thank you, thank you, It was so appreciated and it really felt great to be making this for Trish and Peter and see them get such a warm welcome. It was fun for them to get to see your comments, and it feels great to get to share their story and Tricia's big Walk to 40 Weeks with everyone that reads here.

I appreciated it personally, as I plan on starting to show more and more of my photography projects around here.

Second: We were really surprised when we heard from Trish after her first ultra-sound appt. and she let us know that she was further along than she had thought. All of the sudden just like that we were at 21 weeks. She also found out the babies gender and well.... you can just grab hold of that scroll bar, slide through, and read the news yourself.

Every Monday morning a new pic will be added, if you are new here follow along on twitter for updates.

All the Love in the Universe ~ Me

P.S. I wanted to be sure that you check back here tomorrow, as I have a post planned with our good friend Gabi from my favorite food blog Honest Fare who came over and had a baby food making party with Cole and they whipped up some homemade feasts for Tessa Tangerine that they want to share.

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Generations

Cole threw her Grandma an old fashioned birthday party just after New Years and we were all surprised when she announced that this would be the first time that she had ever had a birthday party thrown for her. It's never too late, so to celebrate her 80th birthday Cole got her family together and invited her friends from the Japanese American Club, and we planned a great menu, and her mom and aunt made delicious food. We poured wine, and there was a playlist with loads of Dean Martin. There was a point when all of us were in the kitchen serving food and making drinks, and it felt like GG Mama had hired us all to cater the party for her and her friends. We never sat down, and we made her day. The party was a hit, and her Grandma was one happy lady.

One of the things we wanted to be sure to do while all the women from Cole's maternal side of the family were in town was to get a picture of them all together. I will let Cole explain why this was important to her...

Take it away Cole.

Well, because as I just learned for the first time in my adult life (and had been in denial about)-- Grandmas die, moms die, and aunts die. one day this picture will be all I have left. One day this photo will be all that my kids have left. It is just important to have this kind of thing, and we didn't have it.

I had no idea how Cole was going to put that, and in her usual way of just saying exactly what she wants to say it is perfectly simple, honest, and gut wrenching. She has that power. What would take me 2,000 words to get out she does in a couple of lines. I would have been too worried about seeming insensitive, or obtuse, and just fluffed it all up, and then apologized 6 or 7 times. When it comes to dealing with loss I never know what to say.

This house continues to grieve. Every single day. And it continues to be a struggle to keep the sadness from taking over the usual smiles that filled our calm quiet seconds. Time to think, has often been the enemy.

I watch Cole with her family now since Sito passed, and the one difference I can note is that she has stopped looking at them as invincible. She sighs heavy when we leave a gathering. She wonders how she must look to her Sito when she does (or doesn't do) the little things around the house. Cole had somehow retained that kid innocence of not knowing what it meant to lose someone you love. To me that is just a testament to how much she admires and loves her family. I know that she will have these pictures now of her maternal side of the family, and get to remember both how stunning they all are, and how ridiculous they can be together. When we look at that last picture, we can hear the belly laughs still rolling out and hanging thick in our dining room where we took the picture. It was simple to get them laughing. Cole loves her Grandmas wrinkles because she says: "they were all born from laughing, you can see it in her eyes."

I start to feel dizzy when I think of Tessa being 10 years old when we throw GG Mama her 90th birthday party. I know she will laugh the same, it has already started.

All the Love in the Universe ~ Us

P.S. Think about parting with $10 today, it adds up to a ton of relief for so many people who need it right now. You can text "HAITI" to 90999 to donate $10 to Red Cross relief efforts in Haiti. Quick hands and sharp eyes to the workers digging through the rubble today.

P.P.S. I know it's delurker day. I know all about it. Do what you want. I won't be upset if you stay a phantom.

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The Rabbit Videos

It made quite a bit of sense to me while compiling these last few posts for this week as to why I was missing in action from this space for so long... we were really sincerely busy people. I love being busy people.

One of the projects that came up just before Christmas hit was a request from my friend Devin (who I mention all of the time around here, and who is a member of the band Rabbit!) he needed some quick videos of the band performing around their studio, and also if I didn't mind figuring out a music video for them-- that would be cool too :) So I knew my buddy Mike would be in town from LA (who I have bragged about here and showed off his Canon 7D footage) and I asked him to come hang with us and shoot some stuff with me, and then I totally sprung it on him that he needed to edit it all down before the New Year. Thanks Mike. You rule. As always.

This is a picture I took for Rabbit! a few months ago.

They always reside in my sidebar, and that pink bunny takes you on a ride to i-Tunes where their EP has been on sale. But on Jan 19th they will have a full length album out, and well it hasn't left our car CD player in months. The kids love it, we love it, and I hope you will too. Besides the fact that Devin has been my friend since the 6th grade, he is also playing a huge role along with his band mate Ashton Allen in getting this charity album for The Littlest Buddy together. Which by the way is developing into a really surprising and ass-kicking project. I can't wait to spread that good news and let you all in on some of the bands that have signed onto the project. Really amazing things are happening is all I can say for now. AND-- well, Rabbit is a huge part of why things are going so well for the LB project. So that explains why I babble a good deal about them here, they are incredibly kind to my family, and they put together a really happy collection of songs.

So that is that. I am going to put up the videos that Mike and I made leading up to their release, and I hope some of you like their music enough to check out their album "Connect the Dots" on Jan 19th. Sound good?

So for the first video that I wanted to share, we featured two of the four Rabbit members

Ashton



and Emma


To get me used to the camera, we just shot a live recording of Ashton and Emma performing a piano duet called "Happy Little Pea" no bells and whistles, just the two of them laying down this live version of the song and working out a performance. Sweet song, great fun, happy to have got them doing it. More music and "videos" to come.

Happy Little Pea from The Panic Room Videos on Vimeo.

* Rabbit went and got themselves a twitter account and would love the follows: click here to follow and thanks :)


All the Love in the Universe~ Me

P.S. I know I have been hyping this charity album for months now, I can assure it is happening and I can't explain enough how awesome it is turning out in the process. When I set out to make some money for SMS research I didn't want to cross my fingers and hope for the best. I am building up a campaign that will raise some serious bucks for research into SMS and hopefully shed some light on this syndrome for some families. I can't wait to announce some of the bands who are getting involved to help blow this thing up. Thanks for the emails asking about the progress. It's coming.

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Cole's Presentation Revealed (way to go honey!)

Can I just start this post off by saying how incredibly proud of my wife I am, I mean I'm always proud of Cole, but in this instance I had the privilege of working along side of her, photographing her hard work, and I really got to see her shine.

Let me explain...

As Cole wrapped up her two year apprenticeship at the salon and transitioned into her role as a stylist, she was tasked to pull together a presentation for her peers to showoff and represent her current abilities and display her talent. The only instructions were to select 3 models and she was responsible for their hair, makeup, wardrobe, and over all styling of the photo shoot.

It was important for me to back off and make sure that I let Cole lead me on this project as it was her deal and her decisions to make. She never flinched, and took on the role with force. It was awesome. She made great decisions and put such super awesome subjects in front of me to photograph.

For inspiration Cole handed over a bunch of tear sheets and the one that stuck with me the most was this great edgy picture of a little girl holding a piglet tight to her chest-- to which Cole simply said: "I like this vibe, I want this, I am thinking we go to the chicken farm."

So for the first series she selected twin sisters Briana and Caitlin and decided we would head out to the chicken farm. And this is what we came up with while we were there. Making sure to show off the hair, but still play out a series. It was great fun finding the right chickens and turkeys to match the girls clothes and hair, and that would actually sit still while being handled and not peck the shit out the girls hands and face. ouch!

For the last series Cole wanted a long hair model and found this great girl Christine through a friend of a friend, Cole asked her right out of the gate if she was afraid of horses. She was all about it and agreed to be a subject for the project. Cole put so much time and energy into the model and selecting the right clothes that would tie the project together, and never thought that in the end a horse would slow things down. Cole got a taste of the ol' "never work with children or animals" thing. She had no idea that some horses are just assholes. I mean this monster was an absolute grouch and Christine was really awesome and handled herself so well, we managed to get the shots we wanted. It was cold, the light was dipping, and the horse just wanted to rip grass out of the ground and not keep her head up. So Christine had to muscle her around. She did super and both Cole and I can't wait to do more work with her.








I did want to mention that many of the clothes that Cole used on the shoots were made by her Grandma in the 60's and 70's. Before she came to the United States she had learned to be a seamstress in Japan so she made almost all of her own clothes that she wore, and also clothed her girls in custom made pieces. It was important to Cole to celebrate her Grandma in a grand way and acknowledge her handy work.

It was so sweet to see her Grandma at the presentation and stand in front of these pictures while everyone clapped for her. She looked proud and she said with a big nod: "I did do a pretty good job making these clothes didn't I ?!" It was like nobody had ever told her how cool it was in 40 years and she finally realized it was something to be proud of. It felt great.

Great job Cole, I am proud to show off your work here.

All the Love in the Universe ~ Us

*for those who asked, the specific pieces Cole's Grandma made are from top to bottom: Red Coat, Blue Cape, Green short sleeved Dress, & Brown Long Dress.

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Proudly Introducing A New Maternity Series

I knew after doing my first ever maternity series for Cole that I wanted to do it again. It was such a fun process and so cool to see the weekly progress, and of course the reaction and support it received around the web was overwhelming.

I am happy to introduce this new series of our friend Tricia. She is a first time Mama-- and Trish and her husband Peter couldn't be more excited about this baby they made. They are officially our first set of buddies that are going into this new phase of life, and it is so fun to watch them and remember how Cole and I were along the way. I was super stoked to be able to do this series for them and I started planning it as soon as we had heard the great news. Trish is a stylist that works along side Cole and so I was familiar with her style and tastes, so I presented her the idea of taking a walk to 40 weeks. As well as being a hair stylist, Trish teaches yoga and keeps her mind and body right, so I thought it would be great to capture her walks while she grows.

We picked a cute little street in the area and counted out the houses and intersections, and planned out the shoot. So each week we will add the next house on her walk and track the growing belly along the way. So just grab hold of that scroll bar and move on down the road.

I asked Tricia early on about maternity style and if she had any companies in mind that she loved, and she mentioned Isabella Oliver to me. So of course I set to letter writing and sent some examples of the series along, and they loved the idea enough that we will be seeing some looks from them in the coming weeks. Trish was delighted and it is always a great thing to be able to style a shoot just right. So I am really pleased to announce that Isabella Oliver agreed to show off some of their new styles during this series. Stay tuned for that.

So after stumbling around on the net looking for tutorials and codes to add a simple scroll bar to a large side scrolling image I gave up. Bothered a friend and he figured it out in 15 seconds for me. So thank you friend :)

However.

Next week I will have the original plan in place, and have this series set up in a permanent scroller and be adding the weeks every Monday morning. Sound good?

It has been so very cold here in Florida and it has made the decision to do this series outside an interesting undertaking. Dealing with direct sun, shade, rain, cold, snow?, and wind, making memories for sure along the way.

So huge congrats to Tricia and Peter and thank you so much for letting me share this new series with the world. You are both doing great and Cole and I are super proud of you.

All the Love in the Universe ~ Me

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A Place Holder

This is a particularly fun Monday morning. I have so many photo projects and things to plop into this spot this morning that I don't have anything actually ready to post. I have been trying my hand at "hype" and blabbing around on twitter about the new maternity series going live today. BUT... I don't have it ready. I wanted to present it in a very specific way and that would require me actually knowing what I was doing in the back end world of codes, and tech, and html, and jquery, and all this stuff that makes my brain tense and farty. So I am debating on pushing it back another week while I try and find the right way to present this beautiful new maternity pics of our friend Tricia. Or I could just slap them in here and get them out into the world. Decisions are being made.

In the meantime-- I have a big full week of posts in store. Cole had her big presentation at the salon last night and she did so awesome. She was confident and solid, and put together an all around incredible body of work. I will brag more about her later this week and show off the pictures from the presentation.

In the meantime-- Here is a little video treat of the sweetest ukulele cover by Scampi of Kid Cudi's "Pursuit of Happiness"

I will be back later this morning with some blogging :)

OH and here is an outtake from a recent shoot I was doing for Pregnancy Magazine of Tessa and her GG Mama where Tessa decided she was going to blow raspberries as hard as she ever has into the camera. Adorable moments for sure.



All the Love in the Universe ~ Me

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When a Man Feels Like a Woman

While driving towards the convenience of the 24-hour pharmacy on the coldest night of the year, hurrying along to pick up more wipes and a children's version of anti diarrhea medicine to try and plug the foamy feces fountain that had been spraying for the past two hours out of the little boy, I noticed how tight I was gripping the wheel of the car and how far forward I was sitting in my seat. I had been squeezing the wheel so hard that I was pulled up and sort of hunched crooked and menacing over the steering column--elbows out-- back stiff--face grimace-- I was freaking out. I was maxed. I was angry that the end result of being an observant conscientious attentive father was somehow all of the sudden making me feel emasculated. Nobody else was making me feel this way, this emasculation was coming from the back of my head, the pit of my stomach, my memories of what a man is supposed be kept brow beating me. I mean why wasn't I sitting at home with my hands in my pants, sucking on beers, watching Sports Center, blaming farts on imaginary animals, complaining about my job, and bitching at Cole for making lousy pot roast?

(Cole has never made Pot Roast by the way, I make the pot roast-- and it's lovely)

The brutish loud mouth, the Archie Bunker I just described is how the American father has been depicted and smashed into my head while I was growing up over the years. Now all of the sudden I look at my life so far as a father and the choices I make and it equates to these children having two Mommies? How is it that the view is being a good dad means you're a good mom? I am battling with myself over how I emerged as a parent. Trying to figure out how I was smart enough to have skipped over the male stereotypes enough to carry out day in and day out thoughtful parenting, but not enough that the same stereotypes don't make me feel like a full on pussy for being so involved with the children and the house. Seriously a pussy. How many men use the male stereotype as a scapegoat to shirk things like diaper duty? I still feel embarrassed every time I hear women say things like: "Oh I could never get my husband to help out with things like that?!" I kind of stay quiet and pretend I am one of the guys that would never ever think to vacuum the base boards.

There's nothing like running into a pimp and a whore arguing in the aisles at the 24-hour pharmacy to launch my issues to new levels of self scrutiny and worry about not being tough enough.

Whore: Damn! Give me one of your jackets you wearin, It's fuckin freezing tonight. I can't be out there in this cold.

Pimp: Bitch you don't need another coat. People need to see you.

Whore: Damn! I am not going back outside without one of your jackets, you got so many on.

Pimp: Bitch get back off me.

This pimp must never feel emasculated and awkward from doing things like making one of his whores wander around outside on the coldest night of the year without proper layers on. He has money to make. Who cares that it's cold. If I was a pimp I would go broke in the winter, making sure everyone has plenty of hot coco and warm coats, and my girls would be allowed to stay off the streets when it is freezing out. Not this dude though, he needs to make his money and run his business and a bitch worryin about being cold isn't his problem. What if I was just solely focused on making dollars yo? Think of how many more hours last year I could have worked had I not been worried about helping out with the kids more? Would we have ever reached the point where we were using food stamps? I bet not. I bet we would be in a whole other tax bracket by now. We ended the year on a high note and things look promising. But... maybe if I worried more about JUST making money all the time and less about things like the joys of cloth diapering we would have grown a fuller money tree. I can't help but wonder if our lives would be better if I was just an earner, and a dude that played with his kids for a few hours on Sunday after the game was over.

I'm not an idiot, I know that there are tons of guys out there that are successfully managing both worlds just fine. I am not alone. I might not even be a minority. I read their blogs and I see them in my day to day life. They are heroes. New men. They have great career focus and dedication, then come home and put on the new dad hat that is equal parts mommy and daddy. I see that line disappearing more and more, children are reaping the benefits of dripping unbashsful love from both mom and dad. The really successful relationships I witness are true partnerships where responsibility is distributed equally and the parenting is a team effort. It's beautiful and I do think Cole and I are on our way to that rhythm. I am just fighting off the old ways of my own father and that shitty weird feeling I get from being taught that men make the money and that is that. That is the end of the responsibility. I know this still exists all over. Some lady is reading this and thinking to herself: "Goddamn right that is what a man is supposed to do!"

One of the biggest things both Cole and I had to wrap our heads around this year was the fact that we are not running a normal operation here where we parent a child to independence and ship him off into the world to make his way. The Littlest Buddy has the odds stacked against him that he will be under adult care the rest of his life. So when we think of our lives past that senior in high school point it gets weird. We have worries about what LB's life will be like when he is in his forties and we are oldie's. That keeps both Cole and I focused on the equal partnership of the marriage and making sure our life is designed to make the best life possible for all of us. We don't think so much about our own retirement, but more about LB having enough money to live beyond us comfortably and happily. Right now the big focus is that Tessa grows up and her first realizations of her brother are not centered around stress. We want her first memories to be simple and not centered around the complexity that he is different in some way. Having all of these kinds of things to focus on makes it simple to get lost in our own little parenting island--and lately on that island is where I have been having my personal battles with the back of my brain about being man enough in the face of all of this. Nobody teaches this stuff. It was shut up, pay attention, learn, go to school, college, fall in love, get married, have babies, raise babies, tell them to shut up, pay attention, learn, and then send them off to school, die. I pretty much stopped following the list at the first shut up. So I am all screwed up.

All the Love in the Universe ~ Me

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