Reinvention

This is the day that people get "honest" and loud about all the things that they can't stand about themselves any longer: "No more fat ass! No more smoking! No more McDonalds!" and then they go and claim that they are finally going to light it all on fire, burn it down, and reemerge from the ashes a brand new person, free of vices. Does anyone take resolutions serious any longer? Does anyone nod their head in reassurance when their listening to people say this stuff, and really believe deep down that they will actually follow through? Resolutions are just a bunch of things people say, feel better once they're said, and then continue living with their list of burdens, and fears, and bad situations. So why all the failure? Why do so many of these well intended resolutions fall apart and bad habits carry on?

I think it's because of all the spankings and time outs.

When we were kids if we did something wrong, we were punished immediately. On the spot. You cannot do that. Spank. Smack. Sit down. Shut up. Time-out. You're wrong. Grounded. No car. No phone. No allowance. Move out.

So now as adults when we do something wrong or harmful to ourselves, and the only punishments are whispers of risks of long term health effects, and potentially losing loved ones fed up with our vices and habits, that isn't immediate enough. There is no immediate consequence. We need the spankings and time outs on the spot. We need to be grounded. We need the cheeseburgers, and beers, and smokes smacked out of our hands. Think about it. What would Super Nanny say to you if she heard you keep giving your kids "just one more chance." She will tell you that you're a terrible parent and that your kids will keep being naughty. Our bodies give us so many chances, and so we abuse it. Just one more chance.

I know I am being ridiculous and pushing the humor here, but there is a little bit of a real deal point in all of this. People really don't have the mind set that being unhealthy has an immediate effect on them.

Maybe there needs to be a penalty system put in place, submitting resolutions would be more like a binding magical contract with the universe, and if you make the claim of undoing something shitty about yourself on New Years Eve, you are bound to do so the following year. So if you profess to quit smoking in 2011 and then continue to smoke, you would get punished. Maybe the punishments were that you lose something that you love every time you smoke. It would start out small, like your favorite T-shirt, and then a fond memory, or maybe your dog or cat. Or what if you received a new deep set wrinkle around your mouth with every puff, if you actually violated your resolution and smoked a whole cigarette your mouth would look like an ol' irritated butt-hole by the end of it. Honestly, would anyone dare to keep smoking? I don't think so. So maybe we need a little magic in 2011 to give these resolutions we make a chance to carry through. How can we convince ourselves that the real actual penalties are severe enough and real enough to follow through? Smoking gives you cancer (fact) and hurts the people around you (fact). That isn't real enough? You have to be faced with instant results like a butt-hole for a mouth? The commercials with the shriveled up black lungs and the weezing dude with the hole in his throat isn't real enough? Why does instant butt-hole mouth sound scarier than maybe getting cancer?

I have to stop and admit that this is me yelling at me. I am a resolution breaker. I do it every single year. I am the asshole that keeps smoking in waves. I will quit for months at a time, 6 months of nothing, and then weeks of puffing away. So this morning on NYE I actually have the nerve to say, "I'm done smoking" and it made me mad, because I know I am full of shit. I will smoke in 2011. I know this, because I know myself. There will be a point where I justify doing it, where I know that I can go months at a time without it, so I think because I don't smoke a pack a day it isn't hurting me. This makes me an idiot. A huge one. I know if I was faced with the possibility of butt-hole mouth I would never smoke again.

I'm also about 30 lbs overweight and really in terrible shape. I thought I was going to die playing one of these new fangled "healthy just as good as playing outdoors" video games on the Kinect. I mean I was sweating and breathing heavy, and red faced. So I am all: "This is the year. This is the year I get in the best shape of my life." I couldn't even believe it when I was saying it. So I drove to McDonalds and bought a giant bag of food and ate it for lunch. I kept taking bites and thinking, man this tastes terrible, and I feel terrible, and then I would be like Oh My GOD these fries are ridiculous, I LOVE them, how could I NOT eat you ALL the time.

So now I am thinking... geez if I think losing 30lbs is impossible, what about the people that need to lose 100?! I mean how do they feel? I have seen TV shows where people are told by Doctors that they are going to die, and people still keep eating terrible and not exercising. So even with the prognosis of death, it does not prove to be motivation enough. What happened? When did eating a slab of ribs in a bucket become more appealing than living? When did we get convinced that eating that bucket of food WAS living? Maybe the bigger question isn't why are people bigger than ever, maybe we need to figure out how to make life more appealing. Worth living. 3-D television and hacking your Kinect to play World of Warcraft isn't going to convince people to stop eating bags of chips for breakfast and sucking down 2 liters of sugar water. If there truly is a movement to make America heathy again, I am thinking we need to fix the message. It isn't enough just to say-- We have to be healthy because we want to live longer, I think we need to fix the message about what "living" really is. It can't just be about buying shit all the time, the thrill of owning a bunch of stuff isn't enough.

For me this year in 2011 I am going to focus on what it means to live this life. To be alive. I want to reinvent what living means to me. This may require a bubble. I think a great start is to never read the comment section of CNN articles ever again. Maybe if I figure out how to find some hope in the future, the rest of the bad habits will fall away. who knows. Maybe the only wild frontier we have anymore is our own courage. Riding off to the Wild West, is nothing more than being brave enough to believe that things are going to be okay, that things will get better for everyone. Be brave in 2011.

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The End of the Year Post and Around the House at X-mas

I really love digging through Cole's cell phone. She takes so many pictures of this family and has an eye on things in ways that I just don't have.

A couple things to note about this set that Cole put together, ** the picture of the curious little collection of items was discovered in the seat of the Radio Flyer Rocket that Tessa has taken over. The seat lifts up, and there is a little storage area under it. Well, Cole went to move the Rocket and heard some stuff sliding around and found this secret stash that Tessa has been collecting like some little hoarding gnome. Is this an early warning sign that the kid has thieving hands, or is she going to grow up to be a hoarder? ** and I also wanted to point out that Tessa received her very first Steven Seagal style ponytail, she wants to trend set already. All the other little girls on the block want the Seagal now. Stream lined for martial arts, or just for some stylish toughness, it is a sensible ponytail indeed.

I also looked on my camera for some pictures from holiday time and wanted to contribute to the around the house post this time.


it always amazes me how causal Tessa is in the morning. She just kind of stands and waits and greets you with a little smile or a small hello.


I find that at the times when Tessa still appears to look tiny in her surroundings I want to take a picture. Almost like, aww look how tiny she is, isn't that adorable. I wonder if this is from all of the "Tiny Elvis" sketches on SNL or if everyone has this same reaction to their toddler.


Tessa loves hats, and so we bought some different styles to place around in her bedroom for her to marvel at. I think Cole needs to find a way to work this one into an outfit and sport it at work.


This was the first picture where I actually thought she looked like me, same skinny jeans, and the exact same belly. Although at 36 it just isn't that adorable anymore.

We had a great Christmas, and I really love the downtime and how slow everything gets right after the holiday until after the New Year. We have been playing with the kids and their toys relentlessly, and just feeling excited about the New Year coming. We had a tremendous 2010 filled with some of the most stress we have ever had to face as a couple, and it did no damage to the love levels in this house I am happy to say. We have emerged an even stronger unit. This year also marked a big evolution on the job front-- For the first time since I started running down the dream of becoming a photographer I actually feel like one a little bit, and Cole evolved from an apprentice into a full on stylist with over flowing books. We are really starting to get the hang of this having a career thing. The big goal for 2011 for me is to try and get to a place where I am not constantly writing emails and begging for work or creating opportunities. I want to put some projects out there that start to bring the work to me. Where people see what I can do, and love it so much that they say... "we have to get that Marshall guy!"

I have some really big plans for 2011 and this blog, and Cole and I have come to a final decision on the further building of this family--The last addition I guess you could say. Exciting. So it is definitely going to be an interesting year for us. I kind of decided in a weird move that I wanted to put even more energy and heart into this blog, and so I have found someone to construct some new components to it, finally create a portfolio space for my professional work, and a permanent space for Cole, and a really big project I hope to announce later in January if all things go well. The point of saying all of this, is that I am really excited going into 2011 and that is new for me. For the first time I am not approaching a new year with the attitude of-- "well this year I am finally going to get it all figured out and do things different." I am approaching it instead with this really wonderful feeling. I am not quite sure what it is. It isn't confidence, I think it might be optimism?

Of course I can't leave this post without saying a huge thank you to everyone who reads here, all the encouragement and belief in the things I am trying to do that is left behind in this space, is devoured by me and used to keep coming up with projects and plans and trying to rundown the dreams I did not want to put up on a shelf. This blog has become such a gift, and I really can't say thank you enough for your energy, and in return I really hope that I am able to give something back to you in this space. Whether it be some inspiration, some hope, some laughs, or just a different perspective-- I hope that is why you come back. So thank you, and as always, from all of us...

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All the Love in the Universe

My thank you letter to Jenny -

We have been made to think that if we aren't shrieking in delight from food and presents, and hugs and laughter that we aren't celebrating Christmas the correct way. We're doing this Christmas thing all wrong if we are sad or lonesome, or dark and disconnected-- and Americans HATE to do things that are so very American wrong. There have been millions of images painted depicting the perfect Christmas scenarios being played out, these pictures and postcards are the rules sheets, we have to make ours look like theirs, and every year we do our best to paint our own pictures to prove that we did Christmas right. We are just like the good looking people in the pictures. Look at all of us having so much fun on Christmas. Hold up your perfect gift and smile. Yay! We win. Start chant: U.S.A. -- U.S.A.

If you are tired of this modern version of Christmas than I am telling you that there is hope. Something happened this year that changed everything.

This isn't a sour "what does it all mean" post. It is just a reminder that at the core of the holiday there is goodness and spirit and heart, and even if you don't spend your celebration standing in a church squawking out Joy to the World, or buried in a pile of presents under a big plump Grand Fir, that this holiday can be enjoyed just by showing someone love. More importantly showing love to someone who needs it the most. The smallest displays of love and humanity are more powerful than you might be able to imagine. Try it out. Hundreds of people recently discovered this very thing this past week when they participated in the most gorgeous beautiful thing to happen on the internet... ever. Wildly popular humor blogger "The Bloggess" reminded the internet exactly what Christmas should feel like again. if you have not heard about what happened, please read here. It had nothing to do with buying the perfect gift, or baking the best cookies, or having the most lights on a house. It was about being connected to one another. Simply being there for one another. She created a space for people to open up and ask for help that needed it, and people had the chance to listen, and then to react. And the reaction was inspiring. The reaction was incredible. The reaction was Christmas. It had arrived in a brand new way. The way it should always be. Her story has been such an inspiration she has been making national news all week .

One of the things that I hear more than anything else around the holidays are people saying things like: "Well I'm not going to let them ruin my Christmas with their problems!" Shouldn't we be taking a step closer to actually hear what their problems might be, and then seeing if there might be something we can do to help out? It might be that we have pushed "family" so hard on Christmas that people forget to let anyone else in. People forget that we have space in our hearts to let in more. We have room. We really do.

The history of Christmas has been written by merchants in America and there is no end in sight to the lunacy of abundance. It is going to get worse year to year-- will there be a breaking point? I personally feel like this singular event that was created by Jenny (The Bloggess) is the start of people taking back their holiday. I feel like it is bigger than we know right now. She made a place that gave people the opportunity to be good and decent and it took hold and shook people up. She made a space for people to feel safe and loved enough to open up and share their personal stories and ask for help when they needed it. There was no shame in any of it. I think people fully understand with the way things are in America, that we could very quickly end up in the same dire situations where we need help. My family just two years ago was in that situation, I couldn't find photography work and Cole was still an apprentice, and we were hurting. We got through it and created the work, and we have been lucky. Lucky! In a season that usually makes me feel kind of lousy about how people behave, I fell in love with strangers.

I can't thank Jenny enough for what she did this year. I have my fingers crossed that this will carry through and continue to grow over the years and touch more and more people. She is Christmas this year. Thank you Jenny.

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Staying Up With the Moon, So You Didn't Have To.

I had a fire pit, and a bottle of wine, and a really terrible zoom lens for my Nikon (that I think I have used once before), and so it seemed like it was the right thing to do at the end of my flu/cold to sit outside in the cold night air, bring in the new winter, and stare at the moon being a creep from 1-5 AM. Yes. Last night was the big lunar eclipse, and in Florida it was clear and cold (for FL) and not a cloud in the sky. It really was worth staying up. I was surprised at how much fun I had sitting out in my backyard by myself trying to figure out how to take moon pictures. This was the best I could do with what I had, but I wanted to put it up before I crashed for anyone that did not get the chance to see it last night. I'm pretty tired now. So this post doesn't have much sparkle! Where's the pizazz?! Time to sneak in a nap before the house wakes up.

Happy First Day of Winter.

All the Love in the Universe ~ Me

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The Great Big Do Fun Stuff Update

The Bad and the Good News. I picked the order. Bad news first...

When I first woke up the morning after my 24 hour visit from the flu, It took me a minute to realize that I was upside down on the couch, I woke up from some freaky noise that I think came out of my throat, I was laying in a twisted up mess, some position that I had put myself in that convinced my stomach to leave me alone enough to sleep. The more I woke up, the more afraid I was to move. The noise I heard was this crazy weird low moan groan that pushed up from my guts and out of mouth, like I was some fresh corpse with a last gasp stuck in his throat. I was a mess. Cole was no better, she was off shivering in another part of the house. We had divided up late in the night and manned separate bathrooms. Puke and gross stuff happening around the clock. We were disgusting.

I am writing to tell you all of this, because no matter how bad I felt when I had the flu, it does not compare to how bad that I feel that we cannot deliver the physical copies of the Do Fun Stuff CD's. We just can't. We could not pull it off. There was too much travel for work, and crazy season at the salon, and the kids being sick, and us being sick, and we just lost the chance to make it happen.

Let me explain: Once Cole made the first CD and we saw how great it looked, we were hell bent on hand making each one. We wanted to be the ones that made them. Mainly because I am psychotic and really thought it would mean more if we made them. Each CD took a good couple of hours to make. We just kept trying to find the time and could not. So I am writing to apologize to anyone that was waiting on us, and our last push to try and make it happen was Monday, the day we both caught the flu. We were going to try and get as many done as we could Monday and Tuesday, but it didn't happen.

NOW.

For everyone that wrote me and gave me your mailing address for our thank you letters that we promised to send you. I am afraid I have to spoil the surprise for you, and let you know that I am waiting on the first copies of the Do Fun Stuff poster, as I was going to send you a copy of the first run for your help. This will still happen, I know it has been awhile.

So with all that said, please try and remember when you write an annoyed or frustrated email to me about the CD, that we are not a manufacturing house, or a production team, or an assembly line-- we are a regular old family with kids, and jobs, and daily catastrophes and triumphs, and we are trying to create time. How many of you can manifest a couple extra hours a day? You know how tough it is. So for real. We are not trying to be jerks on purpose. The big crappy thing I did was make a huge promise and then wait so long to realize I couldn't make good on it. So sorry for leaving you in the dark about it.

I am sorry for the excuses, I should have known better when I started pushing for the physical CD that we couldn't pull it off in time. So I will leave it at this, we asked for some help from our friends, that have the tools and setup, and laser cutter, to help us with a huge piece of the production, and when we finally get it all done I will post a link. I have no idea when that will be. I won't even guess.

It has been the ultimate frustration for me. I hate being a disappointment, and even more I hate doing shit wrong. This was a big learning experience for me, as I am sure I lost out on a ton of momentum and the chance to raise even more money for the charity. Which by the way...

Many of you have asked: "How did the CD do?" And that I am happy to say is the very good news.

The store reports I get from i-Tunes take forever. The way it works is that I don't see a report on a purchase for two months after that purchase is made. So when the CD came out at the end of August, we had no idea how the CD had done financially until November. So it has been a long wait. So far as much as we can tell from the last report Do Fun Stuff has raised around $11,000, and the album still has another 7 months to find homes and raise money before the year is up. So I feel like it is totally possible to hit the end goal that I had set for the charity. This is a huge first burst of funds for the fellowship and it is just from the first two months the album was out. Everyone should be really proud of this figure as it is one of the hardest things you can do on the internet these days, get people to actually purchase music. Do you realize how many albums were released on labels that won't make that all year? We did good and I hope you are as proud as I am.

There were a ton of single song purchases at .99 a pop, and after you factor in iTunes taking their cut, and you do the math, that is a whole mess of people clicking through and buying a song. I wish I had the connections to get to someone at Apple to appeal to the higher powers, that since this is a charity and nobody else that was involved made a dime from this, perhaps they would consider waving their fee. That would indeed be a Christmas miracle for this charity.

So this is where we are at. I have a ton to be happy about, but it feels sour because I also feel like I let a lot of people down. This blog took a big hit in traffic from pushing Do Fun Stuff over the months. There is only so much charity talk people can take, and with all my relentless Ellen Bombing, and the asking to join in the push for the CD, it was a turn off to a lot of people that just wanted to see cute pictures of kids, and more maternity series. To be honest that reaction made me want to blog less, it was like a standoff. I would get emails saying shitty things, like: "I get that the CD is important, but I miss the old Pacing the Panic Room." So my reaction was to blog about my personal life less. I have just recently started warming back up to the idea of sharing more here. At the end of the day, i don't give a crap, doing this charity is the best thing I have ever worked on. I wish it was my job every single day to just raise money to fund more research into Smith Magenis Syndrome. Everyone that helped with this is in my heart, and I can never say thank you enough times for all that you have done, and some of you that continue to push the CD you are fighters. I love it. Every time I see Do Fun Stuff mentioned, or hear a story about a happy kid, or a happy parent, it makes me totally light up. It is the greatest thing I have ever been involved with. It is overwhelming to ask for help and actually receive it from so many people and all I can keep saying is thank you.

More updates to come as they are needed.

All the Love in the Universe ~ Me

P.S. And speaking of charity, there is a gorgeous display of brotherhood and goodness going down OVER HERE. Whether you need help, or you are looking to help, you should go HERE today. I am way late on this but saw it last night when I was catching up on blog reading.

Don't forget you can still buy Do Fun Stuff by clicking the store link of the widget. You can also gift the CD electronically on i-Tunes. Not as special as a stocking stuffer but it still makes a big difference.

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Tessa in the Trees

We made it out to the tree lot late this year, travel, and time, and sick kids kept our house treeless weeks into December. We were starting to feel Scroogey, so we finally made time to go. As soon as we got there and crossed the parking lot, she yanked her little hand out of mine when she saw the first row of trees, she rarely goes for the hand hold when approaching a new situation-- It is almost always the opposite, she charges in. How does this stuff get passed on to your kids? She was ready to explore. Squeals and screams and her little waddle run up and down the rows, stopping randomly at a tree to run her hands along a branch to determine how she felt about the brush of tree needles on her palm. It would make her shudder, and then she would slap the branch around a few times, and take off running back down the row. When did she get this fast?

This child doesn't display sweetness in the usual kisses and snugs like her brother does, you have to look for hers. She shows it in her appreciation for seeing the world around her, and for providing her with a good hard laugh, she hits your heart with these wise all knowing glances, like she is saying thank you with her eyes. It's hard to wrap my head around all of this in the moment. This is my daughter, she doesn't need me in the ways that I thought she would at this age. I am finding that perfect mix of backing off and keeping her safe. It's hard for a worrier like me, my heart is all smiles watching my little girl run around this tree lot in giggle fits, and my guts are aching, screaming at me: "there are medal spikes sticking up out of the ground you idiot! They are poking out of those boards, she is going to trip and fall on one! Grab her... stop her!!" So I keep going from laid back, to worry wart, and so you get this combo of running behind her with my hands ready to catch her falls, and just standing back and smiling. Cole seems to be better at all of this than I am. Whenever I look at her she is calm and smiling, and lovely. I try to keep the worry hidden from Tessa, no child needs to walk around like this. When a person constantly points out every possible terrible outcome in any given circumstance, soon that is all they will see, and the fear starts to grab them. So this is the one part of me that she doesn't get to see, she won't know. I owe her the discipline to keep this worry out of her life, it is one thing I absolutely do not want to pass on to her. I am already worried about ruining her with being like me. This does all happen fast, just like they warn you about.

All the Love in the Universe ~ Me

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Building a Better Relationship (with my camera)

At the start of last year I shot a series for Cole's first presentation for the salon she works at. This was the first time in a long time that I was truly happy with the results that came directly out of my camera. This project was a really big deal for Cole and she was trusting me to take the images that would present her complete vision to the salon. We went over looks, and tear sheets, and talked a bunch, so I knew what she wanted. I made it my mission to nail the shots in camera, so that we knew for certain on location that we had everything locked in and solid. I did not want to rely on any post production or photoshop magic to "save" the work, or bring it up to scratch. This was the start of a brand new relationship with my camera.

In the past, if I was shooting in a complicated setup, I had the mentality of: "just get it close, and make the photo in post." I was not being honest about the conditions surrounding a photograph. It was a lot of crossing my fingers and pushing the camera, and then reeling it back in at edit time. Knowing what your camera can and can't do makes it so you know how to help the picture -- can I honestly get good results with natural light? Do I need reflectors, bounce, add some additional light? Will light help this location, or is it just all ill conceived? Knowing what your camera can and can't do allows you to start asking yourself smart questions. It is totally fine to be honest and say, this isn't going to work, and knowing what your camera can do for you, makes it easy to know where to look for the right setup.

Here we are at the end of 2010 and I am spending almost no time any longer in photoshop. Unless I am doing something specific with cloning, or making some effect to add some magic to the story in the picture. So I am finally starting to feel a new confidence when I put a shoot together. Finally.

What this year has done for me, has made it so that I can stop being so filled up with worry about the technical results and start finding the stories again that are unfolding. Finding the right shot, being aware and present enough to see the perfect moment to press the shutter. When I pull my face away from my camera and look at the back, I am not looking at light, and white balance, and noise, and scrutinizing and sweating the math of the picture-- I am looking at composition, and making sure I captured the story I wanted to tell. In the last two months I have felt a new rush when I shoot. I am having a blast learning more, and having fun applying the lessons that I am learning.

So this brings me to now. I am in the process of getting ready for an hour long sit down in Salt Lake City, Utah at the upcoming Alt Summit in January with new mentor and total photo badass Rachel Devine. I don't know if you remember but I met Rachel back in August at Blogher. While I was there, I was introduced to her outside a party, and we hit it off instantly. Since then I have had the pleasure of bugging her for advice and checking myself on photo jobs. I think it was one of the first times I took a business card and actually used it. I had successfully networked? I get the buzz about networking now :) I get it.

I asked Rachel a few months ago if she had heard of Alt Summit and if she thought it would be worth a flight over from Australia if we were lucky enough to be selected for a panel. She said "you bet!" or something equally enthusiastic, and we put our heads together to construct a panel we both believed in to submit. We kept circling back to the frustration of the modern editing "fix it in post" mentality so we started there. I still feel the pains from that mentality every time I look at my blog archives and see the silly work and choices I was making. I have blogged about it before and continue to run farther and farther away from bad habits. It wasn't like this before, when I first shot film, and learned to develop pictures myself, I had a closer relationship with my camera. We were friends. I knew it better. Shooting digital had left me being unrealistic about what I could and should be able to accomplish in a photo. Rachel and I kept talking about the same thing, just getting it right the first time. Getting it right in your camera.

Rachel has been a huge source of inspiration for me lately, and all of this discussion has me pushing harder to be better than ever before. So the hard part now was submitting our idea and getting accepted, so first we had to get noticed in the pack of submissions that they were receiving to speak at Alt.

Since Alt Summit is all about design, I thought it would be cool to build a poster for our submission for their consideration. The thought was, if we couldn't get our idea across on a poster, than it was probably was not a solid idea. So in making this poster it really helped firm up the idea as a whole. By the end we knew exactly what we wanted to cover. We could physically look at our idea. See if it was attractive to anyone else. I liked this process very much. And I want to believe that it helped us to stand out and have someone go: "wait, what is this submission?"

So for anyone that is planning on going to Alt Summit this coming January, or anyone that wants to make late plans to attend, or anyone that lives in SLC, Rachel and I will be sitting down and talking shop about cameras and hopefully helping people start to build a better relationship with their camera. So please consider adding our discussion into your days agenda.

In the end you want your camera to be an extension of your eyes, and ears, and heart, and so the sooner you stop letting your camera make you nervous, or trounce on your self confidence, you can start loving it again. Find your stories, tell your stories.

All the Love in the Universe ~ Me

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Do What You Love- episode seven: Kristen

**This is the seventh in an ongoing series of posts that I will be featuring here on Monday mornings that I made for the Gap, you can read HERE for more info about how this series came to be, and the finer details of what it's all about. In short: This is a new series that will be featuring women who Do What They Love for a living. Women who are living their lives on their own terms, and finding success.

In the initial discussions with the Gap about this series, it came up very early on that if I wanted it-- I would have access to feature a designer for one of the Do What You Love profiles in the series. For Cole and I the Gap has largely been a big source of clothes for Tessa, simply because they consistently put out adorable clothes that are not just part of the big ball of pink that exists in almost every other store. In fact every time I have posted a picture of the Tangerine, and I get emails asking what she has on, it is always something from the Gap. So for me, I wanted to meet the people behind the creations, and see who is making the stuff we are buying. Now, at this point in my head I am thinking that there must be a small army of designers all amassed in a giant room hunched over drawing tables, all engaged in cutthroat competitive projects with a panel of snarky judges approving and denying ideas. Too much Project Runway I guess. So it was a really nice surprise when I arrived at The Gap in NYC to meet Kristen, (one of their designers for the girl line) that she was part of a very small team of collaborative designers. That was the biggest surprise for me, learning that so much is conceptualized and carried through by the same small group of people, that are seeing their idea all the way through-- from an idea, to a drawing, to a finished piece.

I wasn't sure really how I was going to approach this profile until I got to talk to Kristen ahead of my trip to NY, and we talked through her creative process for inspiration. I focused in on a line they had released earlier for Fall called "Bleeker." So we made plans to meet at the source of the inspiration for this line, we met on Bleeker & Perry Street in the heart of Soho. Kristen had talked about how much she loves to shoot polaroids as part of her presentations when she introduces an idea to her team, so I was sure to stock up on some new pack film, and handed over my new best friend the Polaroid 600SE and we planned on a walking tour of Soho to see where and how she pulled her inspiration from.

The usual pace and hustle and bustle of the city always takes some time to get used to, and for me, I usually rush around right instep so that I am not the annoying tourist guy getting in the way of the flow of the city. But the one thing I noticed about Kristen is that she finds the little nooks, and perfect stoops, and out of the way spots to sit and watch that flow, and when you park yourself in the city and really slow down and look at the people and the places, it is a style parade. As great as it was to sit and people watch, it was the most interesting for me to see how something so simple like a balloon store, with these giant blow up jungle animals hanging off the store front, can spark ideas and patterns that turn into a finished piece. It was also great to hear her speak about spending time in the Gap stores, making sure that she has a connection to the actual customer, so that as she put it: "we want to always make sure that we know who the customer actually is, not who we have dreamt them up to be." I think that was my favorite discovery about the working process of the design team. It must be such a cool feeling to be walking down the street and see a little kid happily wearing clothes that you dreamt up while sitting on a stoop in the city.

I had a blast with Kristen, she was the perfect host, completely generous with her time and energy, she took me to so many great corners of Soho, and we got caught in the middle of a paparazzi storm, they were running around like insane maniacs shoving and shouting for a glimpse of Jennifer Anniston (that happened to be filming a scene in the neighborhood we wanted to shoot stills in). It was a little hitch in our plans for the day. DAMN YOU JENNIFER ANNISTON!!!!

Please enjoy the video below...

**Pictured Above: Always Skinny Cords (Flint Gray) by: Gap



For more videos and stills and loads of denim inspiration please take a look HERE. it's a really great collection of images and looks.

**All of the clothes seen in the still images and video were provided by the Gap for this series, you can check out the entire 1969 collection HERE

The Music was provided as always by the band: Rabbit! - Song: Pink Lemonade (instrumental version) - This song is NOT available for purchase. However you can check out their album Connect the Dots for other great tunes, which you can grab HERE.

If you missed the first posts in the series, please take a look HERE

All the Love in the Universe ~ Me


P.S. This is going to be the last profile that I post this year. As 2010 winds down, I am going to slack off on the big project blogging and really soak up the season and the family. I promise I will bring you more profiles throughout 2011 and be focusing in on all kinds of people and places. Thank you so much for embracing this series, it has been so much fun to make, and a huge learning experience for me to figure out how to make these.

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A Guy Gift Guide by a Guy

Like I said in the last post, I have been bitten with the Christmas spirit real hard, it hurts a little, and here in America that spirit means buying stuff for others. Lots of stuff. So I thought I would put some ideas out there for gifts for guys. These are pretty much the things that I don't need, that I think about and lurk at online. I have spent hours at GigPosters.com cruising the gorgeous design work. I don't tire easy when it comes to this kind of thing. I also threw in a little boyhood dreaming, one of my favorite memories was my father taking me to see the Harlem Globetrotters. I am getting LB tickets to the next game in town and fueling his love for basketball. I also thought I would note that the strike anywhere matches are a total boy scout thing, be ready for anything, pretty cool to strike a match on someones face when they ask you for a light :) Have fun taking a look, and I hope this helps someone.

All the Love in the Universe ~ Me

1. Show Posters (of their favorite band) via Gigposters.com 2. Opinel (olive handle) Pocket Knife 3. Flap Wallet by Makr 4. Leica V-Lux Camera 5. Oak Street Beefroll Penny Loafer 6. Tickets to Watch Harlem Globetrotters 7. The Walking Dead Book One 8. Zombies vs. Robots Series 9. Bertie World War Robot (good luck finding this toy) 10. Redbird Strike Anywhere Matches

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Building Our Traditions

The great thing about building a family is that while we are still all young and dumb we get to build-in and make up our own family traditions. So for now, we have a clean slate, and can carry out whatever silly ideas we think up. So for the Christmas holiday we auditioned the idea of packing up the kids for a whirlwind trip to NYC to see the BIG tree before we go out and get our own tree.

The first thing that I learned about taking the kids to NYC was that it is almost impossible to stop and take a picture without getting in the way of 20 or 30 people. I had my camera strapped to my back the entire trip and I think I only managed to grab 30 pictures. Almost all of them were the desperate holding the camera up in the air as we were walking, and aiming in the general direction of a cheerful moment with my fingers crossed kind of picture. So I didn't return home with much.

BUT...

We did it. We survived. We made it to New York and back, not without a trip to the ER at St Luke's :( The main goal was to take the kids to see the big Radio City Music Hall Christmas Spectacular starring the Rockettes, and to see the big ass Christmas tree at Rockefeller center, and of course soak in the city vibe. Some of the cutest moments were when LB took it upon himself to wave and say hello to every single person that walked past him on the street. I don't think he has ever been so bold. He just really wanted to get someone to say hello back, and in typical New York fashion, nobody gave a fuck. It was great. It made it more of a game, who is he going to convince to say hello back. LB actually stole the show on this vacation. He was just so impressed with everything. For a little boy who barely speaks, he had the greatest reactions to everything.

Here are the highlights. It was cold. Not miserable cold. Just cold. It was crowded. It is always crowded in NY. The city was lit up, looked great, felt great, and was certainly festive. I have to say the Salvation Army bell ringers in this city really make an effort and put on a show in comparison to the people here in FL that just give stink eyes and guilt you with the shame shame tone of "God bless us all" comments.

During the show Tessa tried to dance standing on my lap almost the entire time, waving her arms and would scream "Yay!" and clap wildly. Both kids absolutely loved the Rockettes show. During the backstage tour LB must have hugged Ashley 50 times, major crush.



They met Santa and did not cry. They met a camel from the show and did not cry. Security at Radio City took my camera, so I do not have any pictures from being at the show except for this $30 snapshot with Santa. I caved and bought the picture. Thievery. They could at least spring for some decent lights.



Both kids seemed to be really excited about being in the city. LB said "yellow car" a million times. . When we got back to the hotel the first night to thaw the children out. LB saw a basketball game on the TV's at the lobby bar, and we told him we could go up to the room to watch the game. He loves basketball. So he took off running for the elevators, and while he was running turned around to see where we were, lost his footing, and hit the corner of the wall with his head. The hotel is "fancy" so it had this pointy ass molding on the corner, and well, the boy stood up with the blood gushing. He spent a few hours at St Luke's and received 3 stitches by a really nice fellow there. He sat very still the entire time and just played with the iPad the entire time he got his stitches, he never flinched once. It was pretty amazing. No tears, no squirming, he just sort of lounged there.

We bought an iPad a few months ago to keep the kids entertained on trips, and I can't tell you enough how much of a life saver it has been. Especially when we were hit with a 4 hour delay on the way home. So we relinquished the technology and the kids were angels.




They were angels the entire delay. Sweet. Funny. Then we had to board. And Tessa turned wild. LB passed out and slept the entire flight. Tessa writhed around in our arms like a rooster with its head cutoff. She screamed and squirmed the entire flight. Gifting me with a massive dump right at takeoff, so the plane had to smell her diaper until we reached the cruising altitude. So I changed my first diaper in flight. It was terrible. I managed to get baby shit on everything in the bathroom, including my shirt. So once I was done with her, I had to go back and try and clean the bathroom up with baby wipes and hand soap. The bathroom still stunk by the end of the flight. I mean she had a blowout, the back to front blowout poop. So when I first opened her diaper it was like one of those springy snakes in the nut jar toys, poop just flinging everywhere with every wiggle and squirm. It was a nightmare. Cole took care of the second round. Yes. In the 2 hour flight she managed to let it rip twice. She was on a mission. And that is all I will say about that.

Despite the terrible flight home, Cole being sick, and the trip to the ER. It was a really great time and completely worth it. We were trying this vacation out as a possible tradition for this family, and I think we have a real winner here. This family loves NYC.

All the Love in the Universe ~ Me

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Waking Up Wiser

Tessa waking up from a nap at the hotel after spending her first day in NYC, it was the first picture I have taken of her where she does not look like a baby anymore. She sure took to the city well. This little face has already seen the Big Apple. I am so proud of her.

All the Love in the Universe ~ Me

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Do What You Love - episode six: Jessica

**This is the sixth in an ongoing series of posts that I will be featuring here on Monday mornings that I made for the Gap, you can read HERE for more info about how this series came to be, and the finer details of what it's all about. In short: This is a new series that will be featuring women who Do What They Love for a living. Women who are living their lives on their own terms, and finding success.

This is not the first time that Jess has been in a video that I have made, I met Jess at this past years Sparklecorn celebration at Blogher while she constructed one helluva unicorn cake. The awesome Sweetney keeps bringing me back to photograph the always fun Mama Pop shake down called Sparklecorn, and this is where I first met Jess. After watching her construct the cake and seeing her bring the whole thing to life, and see just how excited everyone was when she presented it, I asked her if she loved her job. She did. How could you not love this job?! I was sure to get her info and knew that she would be a great feature for the Do What You Love series.

The nice surprise in planning her profile was realizing that beyond her very charmed job at the Charm City Cakes bakery where the popular show Ace of Cakes is filmed, Jess was in full pursuit of other passions. She has a hefty plate piled high with life, and big goals, and she manages it all well. Jessica is deeply rooted in Baltimore, the self proclaimed "Greatest City in America." I love that about Baltimore, they not only just say it, they print that on their park benches :) To that, I will also say that one of the big things that I love about this city, is that it is one of the places in America that has that great rich stubborn and glorious hometown pride, and so I asked her to layout some of her history and connections to the city...

"...my family has been in the area for generations. My great, great grandfather owned a saddle shop on Pratt St. and my great-great grandmother was a seamstress on North Ave. Her father was a Baltimore tailor known for his distaste for patterns. He refused to use them. I love that.

Baltimore is often referred to as a city of neighborhoods and I think there's a lot of truth to that. Each neighborhood has a very distinctive culture stemming from the ethnic groups that originally inhabited the areas. My neighborhood had many families from Appalachia who came to work in the mills back in the early 1900's (or sometime around then). You can see the distinctions in the architecture, restaurants, commerce, groceries..."

In addition to her job at Charm City Cakes, Jess is a nursing student at Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore. JHU is a huge part of the Baltimore community. Through Hopkins, she volunteers with Bienestar, a collective serving the Spanish-speaking population of Baltimore City doing TB testing, education, and treatment coordination. If balancing all of this wasn't enough, as well as renovating her home which is an old mill house from the 1920's, she also does work with Days End Horse Farm and Rescue. It's about 45 minutes outside of Baltimore City and is a rescue for abused and neglected horses.

I didn't have enough time in Baltimore to actually capture all of her life, and celebrate all that she does. It was so great to get to see this city through her eyes. She is ambitious and busy, but still manages to glide around with calm and humor, it was a really great experience and privilege to get to hang out for a couple days and get a glimpse of her life. I absolutely left Baltimore with a new affection for the city, and with a little more motivation that I could always be doing more.

Please enjoy the video below...

**Pictured Above: Stirrup Legging Jeans (black wash) by: Gap



For more videos and stills and loads of denim inspiration please take a look HERE. it's a really great collection of images and looks.

**All of the clothes seen in the still images and video were provided by the Gap for this series, you can check out the entire 1969 collection HERE

The Music was provided as always by the band: Rabbit! - Song: Bump In The Night (instrumental version) - This song with full lyrics and glory is available for purchase on their album Connect the Dots which you can grab HERE.

If you missed the first posts in the series, please take a look HERE

All the Love in the Universe ~ Me

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The Day Before the 36th Year

Tomorrow is my birthday.

I have been marveling at the hyper energy coursing through me that has been fueling spazzy moments these past few days-- belting out goofy songs while I do mundane tasks, arm flailing dances and booty shakes, laughing extra hard at the little things. I'm not particularly interested in my birthday, I usually barely celebrate it, and it brings me more guilt and conflict than happiness. So I haven't figured out why my mind and body are all jacked up about it, like I have feasted on a big bag of sugar and taurine. What is different here? It almost feels like my body has kicked into a natural defense mode to keep me artificially happy to protect the giant cry fest that is welling up in my belly about turning 36. I'm never quiet about my hatred for gaining another year. I don't like it. I worry about it. I worry. It's one of my habits/tendencies. That is just something that comes along with me. 36 year olds can't help the way they are any longer. We have to shift all of our energy into fighting off back fat, growing fat asses, and bad hearts. I tried to shed as many annoying qualities as I could in my twenties so that I could be a tolerable man to grow old with. I think I did alright seeing that I ended up with someone as amazing as Cole, and she seems to be able to put up with my particular kind of crazy just fine. With that said, you never quite throw all of your old annoying qualities away, you have to tuck them away tight and out of the way, until you get into your 80's so you can bust them out again in full force, for when you want to be all-knowing and crotchety. I have my sights set on being unapologetically belligerent and inappropriate. There will be no nursing home that will be able to contain me.

I am jumping too far ahead... back to the 30's

A 35 year old man walks into a bar. Wait, that isn't how it goes. A 35 year old man runs past a bar that he used to work at, and can see a whole mess of his old friends standing out in front of it, they are looking at him with surprise, like what are you doing out of your life? He doesn't stop, not even to say hi, he takes his wife's hand and pulls her faster along, so that they are not late to catch the new Harry Potter movie that is starting in just 5 minutes. A babysitter was found last minute. They haven't watched a movie together in 3 years. He can't wait to sit and hold her hand in the dark in the quiet of this movie. It's as if they are teenagers again, operating on a tight curfew that they intend to honor, and they only have a couple hours to do this one thing that they really want to do before they absolutely have to be back home. The old friends look at them like strangers. They are strangers. This was an accident, we never wanted to become strangers.

I turn 36 tomorrow and the only thing I can think to do is send my mother and father an email apologizing for being a disappointment to them. I feel bad that I can't be the son that they wanted, and I guess I have to take responsibility and admit that I feel ripped off that I don't have the parents that I wanted. We just look at one another and can't seem to get past the wishing for something else part. It's been a standoff for 23 years now. Neither side flinching. This relationship is the key to why my birthdays have always been a complicated celebration. All I can think of is how excited my mom and dad were when I was a brand new baby, how much they were in love, and excited about the possibilities of what and who I would become. It makes me happy to see my life as a baby. I had two parents that just gushed love and happiness and made a beautiful life for me to grow up in. However, from the moment I had my very first opinion, that world started to crumble. And now, about to be 36 I am standing on this rubble pile trying to gleam life lessons from this broken relationship, so that I don't create the same set of circumstances that will repeat history. It's hard for me to be happy about my birthday when I know that my parents are bummed how I turned out. The birthday just becomes a reminder that I am not the things that they most wanted me to be. They will never be as happy as when I was this baby that just smiled and laughed, the older I get the more I turn into this whole other thing that they don't understand. Birthdays make me sad.

I turn 36 tomorrow.

In the past I wrote a letter to myself on my birthday, and challenged myself to goals and accomplishments, and set standards for my life that had to be met. I pat myself on the back for being able to pull most of them off year after year. This time I chose to make it really simple on me, and this year rather than make lofty goals for the sake of goal making. I decided I would find a way to be true to my one big dream that I have ignored for years and years now. It's time to get this fat ass into shape and dust off my courage and confidence and get myself back into a movie. I had Cole take a birthday picture for me today. Looking at the result was what made me finally decide that I had to do this, I look at the picture and I see a man that is terrified to have the camera on him, to be frozen in time to be remembered for that one little imperfect glimpse. Shy. How the fuck did I turn into a shy person? I lost that spark that I had. The fire that made me fearless and funny and never shy away from the spotlight. I am going to start slow. Tonight before bed, I will crack open my favorite collection of Sam Shepard plays that was gifted to me by an actor friend a few years ago, he wrote inside the cover for me to find: Ryan, Go ahead- try it on, see how it fits, what it looks like, what it feels like, whether you like it or not... then try to take it all off - to our friendship - JB

All the Love in the Universe ~ Me

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500 Hair Stylists Mobilized in NYC to fight AIDS

As promised I said I would share some of the running around I did while in NYC shooting a job for L'Oréal.

When I first heard about this job I didn't quite grasp what was going on. How this all made sense. Now at the end of the experience I am overwhelmed by what I just got to be a part of. I heard so many moving stories and met incredible people that are involved in the fight against AIDS. So I thought I would try and do this event some justice and help out by posting about it in more detail here-- also, I was busy shooting photos all day, so I didn't have the chance to help in this cause the way I would have liked to, so this is my contribution to the goal of having over 1 million conversations about AIDS as part of World AIDS day.

The brilliance of this advocacy program is getting hair stylists involved. Think about it like this... How many of you have a relationship with your hair stylist? Like actually talk and confide and have a genuine care for them? Think of the long hours of conversations that you have had together. Or maybe you are like me, I am the silent client. Before I met Cole and she took over hair duty on me, I was that client that sat in the chair in silence and everyone felt awkward. Most people like to chat it up, and over time you really do come to build a unique relationship with your stylist. Cool to think about.

So now knowing that... think about how many people a day that a hair stylist can have a conversation with, and deliver quality thoughtful information to them. That is the genius behind this program. It was a really great alliance to bring the hair industry into the fight. This was a first step in getting the conversation started about AIDS and HIV prevention in this county again. Hair Dressers Against AIDS is an international movement and has been making waves all over the world. Dec 1st was the United States turn to get involved and kick this movement off. I was really proud to be able to document the work that was being done.

Yesterday I woke up bright and early to the NYC rain and gathered at a rally point with 500 hair stylists from all over the country ready to hit the streets and get the conversation started again in this country about HIV and AIDS. This was the point. Get people talking about AIDS again in a smart way, squash misinformation and myths and bring it back with up to the date information. Here is how it worked.

They mobilized 500 hair dressers and divided them up into street teams which would rotate to a series of locations around Manhattan.




They armed them with Flip cameras and asked them to encourage conversations with people on the streets about AIDS and HIV. They could log personal stories, or simply have willing participants read testimonials and up to date factoids about AIDS. Using their voice to join the conversation.



There were video booths set up at locations all over Manhattan that people could utilize as well.



Throughout the day the videos were handed in to runners, that would deliver them to a team, that would upload them to the Hair Dressers Against AIDS website and also broadcast the messages in Time Square for the day.



The majority of people in America have stopped talking about AIDS and HIV. When being smart and safe can shut the spread of this disease down. You start thinking about the scary number of middle school aged kids starting to become sexually active and how AIDS has really left the conversation about being safe and smart.

One of the first stops of the morning was a visit to the Early Show at CBS to get loud and kick things off. We stood in the rain together and the show did a nice spot on the cause and the movement, and this was one of the many mass media highlights of the day. The coverage was phenomenal.








I am really curious to know-- When was the last time anyone that reads here has had a conversation about AIDS with your kids, or plans to when they are old enough? Is it something you even worry about any longer?

As the sign reads... use your power, use your voice. For more information and to get involved please take a visit HERE today. Think about passing the link on through FB or Twitter.

If you would like to see some of the video messages that were collected. You can view them HERE. By the end of the day yesterday almost 5000 had been turned in and more on the way. Awesome.



All the Love in the Universe ~ Me

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