Right the Ship

So as I wrote up that chalkboard table post it got me thinking about Cole and the value of her time, and our life, and where we are exactly in career land-- and it all started spinning, and became heavy, and then I cracked. Not like coo-coo bird cracked, but the big ego fueled front that I put on in order to wake up every single day in order to try and convince people to hire me for things, that cracked right down the middle. So much rejection is involved in freelance work that if I didn't guard myself with some false ego I would be a shaky shell of nerves and worry.

Cole spent hours making that table that I posted about yesterday. For no other reason than she had the time to imagine up something fun for the kids playroom, and then make it happen. She HAD all of this time because she took a leave from her work so that I could travel for my job. What she did was sacrifice her career for mine. I know other people have been in this situation before, so you know it feels terrible to see someone give up something they truly love to do, just so that you can try and get your own dreams going. Well in this case, almost the exact day after she took leave from work, I got wind that I wouldn't be traveling all over the country after all like I had been told I would. Everything like it usually does in freelance world suddenly changed. It was the first of a series of jobs that disappeared suddenly for all kinds of reasons. So now Cole is home from work, and I am not working, and she is missing out on all of the momentum and all the things she had worked hard for at the salon, and I have had to watch her try and not be sad about it. I have watched her try and make up for feeling empty by pouring herself into projects like that table, or organizing a utility closet, or running seven minute miles at the gym.

It's been a miserable feeling. In my head I just keep thinking this is how long term problems are born. All of this will turn to regret and resentment down the road if she lets her career linger.

So these last two months while I have been cooking up projects and letter writing and campaigning for campaigns, I have thought long and hard about what I'm actually trying to do for a living. Is my career worth more then hers? How could I ask her to do this?

The little boy in my heart tells me that I can do anything, and so I always try, but the logic that is a husband and a father tells me that it is time to be smart and let Cole's career be the main focus in our house. It's consistent, she is amazing at it, she went to school and continues to educate herself about the industry, she is driven, and she is endlessly sad when she isn't immersed in that world. It isn't right for her to stay home, just so that I can keep trying to land a dream. I know that I will keep getting good jobs throughout the year, I am not worried about that at all, but there are too many gaps and dry-spells for it to be the only source of income for us. It's just not smart planning. Not in this economic environment anyway. I am writing all of this here because I know more than anything that there are plenty of other people that are struggling for work these days, it is a commonality that ties people together in an emotional and meaningful way. I am putting this out here because I feel like I have made a big mistake.

*Deep breath

Today is Cole's birthday, and she asked her boss if she could work today. I don't know many people that as their birthday wish asks to please work. Cole loves her life with her career in it, and the spark she gets from her life at work carries over into her marriage and her mothering, and so when that part of her life was taken away, I watched her carry on as a wife and mother with her heart pulled out of her. Her laugh and kisses were missing something. I made a huge mistake prioritizing my goals and dreams over hers, I know this is a balancing act that challenges many marriages and relationships-- throw in babies and special needs and it gets even more challenging. The problem was, I wanted it to be easy to say yes to opportunities and not constantly considering schedules, and school, and figuring out daycare for Tessa. I just wanted to plow forward uninhibited, I got selfish. Ugh that feels bad to write. I wanted to be a big hero to my family, and be able to say that I had a thriving professional career, I have been in that "trying to make it happen" phase for so long, I wanted to feel some security. Anyone that does freelance can tell you, that they just want to get to a point where it feels full time. When blank spaces on a calendar aren't haunting you. So I made myself more important, and all of the sudden while I am writing about a kids table with some chalkboard paint on it, I realized what a huge and terrible mistake I have made. These decisions were the beginnings of bigger problems down the road. So I can't let it continue.

This is precisely why people long for the "salad days" when all you thought about was being in love and you're still innocent of worry about houses, and cars, savings, and insurance and we just exist in smiles and embraces and belly laughs. I remember right before Cole took her leave from her job, I had to say no to a big job because we couldn't balance my time away with her work and the kids schedule, and I was so frustrated that we had to say no to a bigger paycheck so that she could work, and I asked her: "why does it seem like we were happier when we didn't have any money at all?"

I stopped being careful with my wife because I saw an imaginary finish line to a success, and like many people before me have figured out, there is never a final finish line, the horizon just keeps changing and there is always a new big thing to run to, and you can run over people forever trying to reach it.

All of this can be fixed, easily. I just needed to say it out loud.

Today the kids and I are making Cole a birthday cake and waiting for her to come home from her job that she loves. It is my job today to make sure she walks into a home filled with love, exactly the same thing she does for me when I walk off an airplane or when I get back from a shoot. She is amazing and selfless and it's time I take some lead from her. Happy birthday Cole, you're my life, and our family is our biggest success. Here is to a new balance.

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