About Yesterday
I need to start by being very clear.
Tessa has a favorite toy. She loves it. It's the closest she ever got to self soothing, no thumb sucking, or blankets, or bottles, or pacifiers, she never used any of that stuff. No idea why. It was all around waiting for her to pick it up if she needed/wanted it. She didn't. What she did do about seven months ago, was start carrying around a little brown haired doll, that wears a pink dress, and she named that doll "Honey." you should hear Tessa say "Honey" it's the sweetest thing in the entire world. Tessa plays with dolls, she has quite a few of them. We put them in the house with the rest of her toys for her to discover and make choices about. Tessa also wears pink. She owns a good amount of pink clothing, it's in her dresser with all the other colors she likes to wear. She has been pictured here wearing the color pink many times. You may have seen her in it.
I'm mentioning this, because my post yesterday had absolutely nothing to do with Tessa not being allowed to wear pink, or not being allowed to play with dolls. Nothing. Just wanted to be clear on that one.
Yesterdays post obviously sparked a lot of thoughts about raising girls, and I certainly wasn't writing a blueprint for anyone to follow. I definitely wasn't saying that I had answers, I was actually just talking about the questions that I have been asking, expressing worry and grief through humor, and sharing the path I took to get to some good info that I found. So I was kind of bummed to realize that most of the comments weren't about the actual post at all. I feel like most of it was the result of people not really reading the post, but simply reacting to what they perceived as an attack. It was like someone yelled "FIRE" in the comment section and then everyone else that came along was like, "what?! A fire?" and then started talking about what THEY did the last time they were in a fire.
Yes, the post yesterday did spur some lively discussion in the comment section, and thankfully so far everyone has been very polite, but it's getting defensive in there for sure. As the comments kept rolling in late into the night, my suspicions were confirmed and it became clear that people weren't commenting on my post anymore at all, they were commenting in defense of their own lives, and writing in defense of their own choices. Which made me sad, because it became really obvious that some people weren't reading at all, or in some cases, weren't getting what I was trying to say at all. It's hard for me to be clear, when I am using blogging to work things out. This is a place that thankfully feels safe enough that I can think out loud when something pops up that worries me about parenting, or my career, or my marriage, and hopefully what happens by blogging here is that I learn from others as the thoughts really take full form. So I am writing all of this to say that I will be happy to continue the discussion in the comment section of that post further today, IF it is actually about the post, and not about how wonderful and happy you and your children are playing with dolls, and how you have remarkably turned out "just fine."
The funny thing about all of this discussion is, that Cole has completely separate reasons for not wanting the princess culture in Tessa's life, and she is also hoping that it isn't embraced, however if she were to write a post on the topic it would be entirely different from mine. I just happened to get lucky that I married someone that also wasn't excited about the culture, but for her own very different reasons. So it isn't entirely fair that she is all entangled in this with all my opinions. To put it simply she hates it because to her it is just terrible taste, the clothes are poorly made, and look cheap, to her it's just straight up tacky. I am sure that's not going to go over well with some people, before you get hurt feelings, or feel attacked, she isn't saying pink clothes are tacky, she is talking about the princess gear, most of it is cheap material, poorly made, sold just as inexpensive as they can sell it, easy for mass consumption and priced low enough that it is hard to say no to when kids beg for it. Whether you like the stuff or not, you can't deny that. It is made for one purpose, to offer up the illusion of high quality at a cheap price. It's just her opinion that you may or may not agree with. I have never heard Cole pass judgment on other people for their choices, but at the same time, she isn't going to put Tessa in something that she thinks looks like crap. So she doesn't do it. So in this case although we have different reasons for not liking it, the result is the same. We avoid it.
As for the dolls and toys and fairy princess side of things, Cole would just rather be outside, on a bike, in the pool, at the lake, in the grass, so it isn't so much that she hates playing princess, she just never slowed down for it. She doesn't think about the evils of the princess culture and where it all leads, she just wants to play with her kids, and so her influence over the children is not based on parenting books, or stewing over worry like I seem to get caught up in. This is precisely why Cole is so good for me. Why she keeps me so grounded and so very calm. (she had the word "calm" inscribed into my wedding ring) So far we have made a good team, because there has been a good balance.
I would be happy to hear about anything related to this discussion that does not involve the idea that there is nothing to worry about, because you turned out "just fine."
The most consistent theme in the comments have been about balance and I couldn't agree more, and I appreciate anyone that takes the time to stop and read here, and to chime in on these kinds of discussions. I will offer up an apology to anyone that felt attacked or like I was trying to make you feel bad for your choices. It's tough to write about things like this without offending people. We are all so different and there is no perfect all knowing one way of doing any of this. With that said, it doesn't mean that tough topics shouldn't be talked about.
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95 comments:
I gotta say, I completely agree with Cole about those cheap princess clothes. My little girl is the same age as your Tessa, and so far, she's just as content to play with her older bro's lightsabers as she is dolls or stuffed animals. My mother started in on my girl with a whole lot of, "Ohh, you're SO pretty..." etc. etc. Now she looks in the mirror to comment on how she's pretty. Its scary as I want my daughter to, of course, realize she is beautiful, but that she's also smart, empathetic, kind, and unique. I understood what you were saying yesterday, and while I will not fight the princess thing if and when it may come, I'm not going to encourage it. (although, I must admit, I really like Tangled...but have no items in our house relating to said movie. Or any other for that matter) ;)
I love that you addressed it! It WAS getting out of control...
While I am still cooking my bun in the oven, I do have friends with little girls and seems like they are facing the same issue. (my friend Julie calls the Disney Princesses - the 3 bitches) Know that you are not alone! You are doing the best you can and Tessa is turning out to be a wonderful girl because of it. :)
Loved these posts...I feel like there are many that feel the exact same way as you (or Cole) but just aren't brave enough to actually say it. I think you are showing a lot of love to your daughter by caring about things like this and trying to be balanced.
My husband & I are expecting a girl in November...Is Cinderella ate my Daughter worth the read? Thinking about getting it.
@Maria- I do think it is worth the read, I think it is the most important book I have read as a father to a little girl. Cole thinks Radical Homemakers is. Balance :)
Hi Ryan. I found your blog a few years ago because of your maternity series for Cole and loved both your writing and the great art from Rifle you featured. I have Do Fun Stuff in my car and in our home and sincerely appreciate that you had a hand in this wonderful music that is both for children and not, and is something I can listen to with and sing to my son. All this to say...I really enjoy your blog.
I read your post yesterday and felt for you, both because I feel exactly the same way and because I knew what was going to happen in the comments. I actually agree with both you and Cole: I don't like the princess culture and what it represents about our hopes for our daughters and I also find it in incredibly poor taste. We caused no end of grief with our friends and relatives when they would ask what kind of gifts we would like for our new baby and the only rule we had was no branded clothing. No "Gap" in big, bold letters, no Disney themed t-shirts, no "Mountain Dew" logo, no matter how faded and vintage it appeared. I think one thing that really bothers me about all of this is that these companies aren't really trying to sell your children toys, so much as trying to make them tiny adverts that propel other children to want the same things. The thing I hate the most about all of those Disney dresses is that they typically have a picture of the character on the princess dress. What is that about? It just looks stupid (and yes, I realize that I just offended more than a dozen people, but for better or for worse our taste is our own).
Thank you for posting your thoughts on all of this. My son is a little younger than Tessa but already we have the "well, why can't he have a Cars t-shirt?" arguments with other parents. And I don't understand why it has to be an argument. I don't care how other people dress their children and have certainly never told another parent that I think they are being ridiculous for purchasing these things, but other parents have no problem informing me that I am "too rigid" or, my personal favorite, "mean" because I won't let him wear shirts with anthropomorphic cars on the front. We spend far too much time judging each other as parents and far too little time supporting each other as we all try to do the same thing in different ways. We all just want to raise happy kids, some of us just have a different definition of happy. And that's okay.
Be well,
Sarah
Well now I'm curious, I'm going to have to go back to yesterday's post to read the comments. I read it early in the day before anyone had shared their thoughts, and I found myself emphatically nodding along with everything you wrote. I don't have a little girl -yet- but I hope to someday. I don't think you need to apologize for sharing your thoughts on the subject. Not everyone is going to agree with you. People seem to confuse making different choices or values judgments with attacking others' choices and values judgments. You see it with religion, politics, parenting, eating practices, whatever. If I were to write about my secular, liberal, anti-princess, breastfeeding, vegetarian lifestyle, that doesn't mean I'm attacking religious, conservative, frill-loving, formula-feeding bacon lovers!
Ryan, I loved your post yesterday and am glad you are continuing (hopefully) the conversation today. My husband and I have a little dude coming in three months and we seem to be blissfully unaware of all the super-defensive, judgmental dialogue going on "out there" in blogland. I feel like it starts with how we choose to give birth and then goes downhill from there!
I thought your post yesterday was so fantastically honest and I loved it because it could have come out of my inner dialogue, too. All we can do as parents is exercise our best judgment. Kids will do their own thing eventually, so might as well give them the best head start that we can manage. =)
I think Jim at Sweet Juniper does a great job of addressing these same worries and thoughts...http://www.sweet-juniper.com/2007/12/why-cant-there-be-fairy-archduchesses.html
As always, you wrote a GREAT post that left your readers with food for thought. I think all parents sturggle with their perception of "what's best for their children". Every decision, from their choice of outfits, snacks, TV shows, playmates, etc. becomes an internal sturggle. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and making us stop and really think about what we are doing to our little ones and how we may view other children and their parents. It takes a village to raise a child. Challenging peoples' view of the world is necessary for all of us to grow.
I think you just got smacked in the face with what we all face as parents when we realize there are decisions to be made that may affect our children negatively or positively in the future. We all become defensive and sure that our way is the best way or "uh oh" now what have we done wrong? Pink is a nice color, blue is a nice color, so is red, grey and green. I was never too much into letting me girls thing there was going to be a Prince Charming that was going to save them from the dragons and evil stepmothers, I wanted to stand up for themselves. But I think you are probably already doing an excellent job of that by admiring and respecting your wife the way you obviously do. Your daughter is going to be fine and will someday be giving you a real run for your money and that's exactly what you want :) Enjoy!
Lisa
You really are thoughtful to write this as SO many comments on any blog are all about the people writing them and little to do with the post itself.
I didn't take any offense. I thought it read well, it made sense, and any store is puking out princess/diva type stuff all over the place.
Kids should just be kids. I personally don't love the whole "princess" concept. I love dress up and pretend and to be excited about playing...BUT I don't love if girls are taught that they need a handsome prince to complete their life or that they have to be pretty/look like everyone else in order to be special. I also don't think girls need to be told they are a princess ALL the time b/c we don't need more people in the world thinking they are deserving. Seriously!
So I appreciate your post, have similar views that I want my kids to play outside, come up with their own toys, explore what makes them happy and not be caught in a pink box that society says they should be in.
I always encourage my kids to play with whatever makes them happy or creative. Any typically, it's things I would have never thought of.
WHENEVER I COMPLIMENT A LITTLE KID ON SOMETHING CUTE THEY ARE WEARING- I NEVER MAKE IT ABOUT THE OUTFIT. I ALWAYS MAKE SURE TO SAY, "YOU MAKE THAT DRESS LOOK SO CUTE" I think this is important so the child knows that it's about THEM and not what they are wearing. I don't want them to ever think they have to be in X in order to look/feel special. That whatever they are wearing looks great b/c THEY make it great.
Willa
BTW, thanks to your wife I am reading Radical Homemakers as I type. So far I love it. I will have to read the book you mentioned in the post yesterday as well.
I just wanted to say that I worry too. My biggest worry is my girls growing up to think that life is going to be a fairy tale. That marriage is all about getting that "prince charming". Don't get me wrong, there can be "prince charming" moments, but I want them to know that life is hard work. Happiness does not come easy and marriage is about compromise and work too. I mostly worry how to express this without them losing the draw of true love. I also worry about the unfair expectations on outer beauty. Luckily, much like you, I married a non-worrier, so we complement each other. He is always telling me to "just chill". I gotta say that I really love the way you do express yourself if the blog. I think the way parents can learn (since we all know we were not given a handbook when they popped out) is to pull from other parents issues, experiences and learning lessons. So in short, Thank you.
I appreciated your post yesterday. I am not a parent yet, but as a high school teacher I know how much you are up against as one in this society if you don't want your kid raised by the values of consumer culture. You are brave and awesome to post what you did. The more we get people to think about what they consume and take an active role in that consumption, the better we all become. Even better, the more we get people to transform from consumers into creators, the less we have to battle the corporate entity that likes to brainwash us into purchasing a bunch of crap we don't need.
I've got two girls.....ages 2.5 and 1. Like you, I'm cautious about the Princess Culture....we don't encourage and luckily we haven't come across anyone who has introduced our girls to it. We stay clear of the televsision as well.....moved it out of our main living space before the birth of my oldest. Like Cole we'd just rather be outside playing. However, a LOOONG Minnesota winter brought us to our breaking point. When my oldest was 27 months old (April of this year) we pulled out a VHS player and some Disney VHS tapes from my youth....and introduced her to the television. It wasn't our finest moment, BUT I don't regret it. I wasn't really into Princess's myself so the Disney I have include Bambi, The Fox and the Hound, and Cinderella. My oldest has watched all of them....including Cinderella...and all she cares about is the animals. I've actually been enjoyiong the animation and have checked out some great library books that include illustrations that were used in the makings of the movies. My daughter LOVES to see them. I'm not sure what my point is and I honestly didn't read all the comments so I'm not sure what the big deal was. I guess I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone in your concerns, but also wanted you to know that there is some winderful Disney that is not Princess related. Good luck with your parenting journey! And I've got that book tagged on GoodReads...hoping to get my hands on it somehow.
this is not necessarily post related but more blogging related– i write similarly, writing is a way for me to work out my feelings. often i find that means most of my casual readers miss the point entirely and latch on to some small part of it that they identify with. it's not my favorite part of this format but eh, what ya gunna do? at a certain point i just have to let them be. whatever they get out of it they get out of it.
(also, thank god i have a little boy. though we're also combating the idea that boys can ONLY be rough and trucks, he can play with dolls and kitties too. a whole other world.)
I think a lot of people get defensive when a little girl is raised to be herself rather than what is expected... I was that little girl too (like your little Tessa). That said... I am still blown away that the bacteria my mom always flipped about ate fish. See, I grew up in central FL on a lake. Now, I understand the flip out.
Quite frankly I think it's ridiculous that you guys claim to not have a lot of money yet you have such fancy appliances in your house.
Oh wait, I think I'm harassing you over the wrong blog post. Sorry. I'm not good at this.
So ARE you going to reply to the post by anonymous yesterday where he or she asked you something along the lines of how you will explain Cole's and your professions in the beauty industry to Tessa? I am interested in hearing your perspective. If you're ignoring the question, I understand that too, because really it's none of our damn business.
Don't you just hate the "I turned out fine" argument?! I think I've made that very comment on your blog once before. What a silly thing to say. Shouldn't we want our kids to be better than "fine"?
Anyway, I rather enjoyed reading through all of the comments from yesterday. I think some people did get defensive and I'm sure those are the ones that stand out to you because it probably felt like an attack on YOU. But I felt the majority were well thought out, interesting, and varying in perspective. Just what a good conversation should be!
Your first post (that you linked yesterday) about the pink posse and princesses is what really got me thinking about the whole topic and has shaped a lot of my thoughts on the issue. Now I'm 5 weeks from having my first (a girl) and I'm so grateful for that perspective. While I think you might be a little more extreme about it than I will, I totally see where you're coming from and completely understand your frustration in all of the marketing to children. Grr. The food (that one will be my biggest fight), the clothes, the toys, the colors, the movies, the TV. It's all so over the top and I agree that it's scary to think where it's headed. It all goes back to greed and money in my opinion....
Anyway, just wanted to say that you and Cole are doing great. There is obviously balance in Tessa's and LB's lives and that's the most important thing. Don't let the few negative comments overshadow all of the positive ones:)
When we were potty training our now 3.5 year old daughter, we took her to Target to pick out big girl panties. She picked out little boy Diego underwear and so we snagged a couple of packages and headed to the checkout. The lovely older lady asked our daughter "Oh, do you have a brother at home?" When we said no, those were hers because she's been such a big girl about potty training, the woman shook her head and said "These are't little girl underwear!"
That same daughter spent the better part of a year running around in those Diego underwear with a batman tee shirt, pink tutu skirt and green chucks. Why should we tell her that her favorite outfit isn't okay because it contains "boy" shoes, "boy" underwear and a "boy" tee shirt?
This gender division is more what bothers me aside completely from the princess culture. I agree with Cole that most mass marketed princess stuff is junk. I also know that no matter how much we shelter our children, they'll hear about princesses so we tried to head it off at the pass with "Paper Bag Princess". For the longest time, that was enough for our daughters.
I'm not on an anti princess crusade so much as I'm against stereotypical gender division. If my daughter wants to wear Diego underwear, who am I to stop that? If my son wants to have a Repunzel wig and paint his nails, I'm not going to stop that either. There are a lot of unsavory things about the fairytale presented by the Disney machine (whether it be princesses or Hannah Montana) and we try to avoid that.
As far as my kids are concerned, Mulan is the only princess from Disney that counts and that's only because she's a badass.
My frustration with character themed toys is not so much that they exist as they seem to be taking over the market.
We are adopting overseas, and sending toys and clothes to our little guy that will be used by other little kids when we get to bring him home. Often these kids will be adopted in their own country. Because of cultural considerations and the idea that these toys should be around for awhile, we've been trying to pick toys and clothes that don't have some cartoon or tv show brand on them.
I have seen nieces raised fully princess saturated. I've seen them raised without ever being interested in it. I don't have an opinion. I just wish the toy industry had more choices for toys that were just themselves and not related to some tv show.
But, for what it's worth with Tessa, she will pick up on the way you live your lives.
Maybe she'll be like me. I loved playing Barbie at other people's houses who had all the toys, but I didn't play with the one I had at home.(Though her black trans am was well used.)
Just because Tessa plays with the little girl who wants to be a princess, doesn't mean it's not way more important to her that she goes bike riding with you and Cole.
@Kristin- I'm not ignoring it, as much as I am not prepared for it just yet. I haven't fully realized what it is I am doing myself, so I have no idea what I will be telling Tessa in the future. I did feel like the anono really pumped my career up into a much bigger glamourous deal, I have to my knowledge not shot any national campaigns for anyone (yet). That would be a pretty big jump in clients. So I get what they were saying, but I feel like they aren't quite sure what I am shooting. The closest thing I shot on a National level is the Do What You Love series, and I can't imagine Tessa watching that and feeling lousy about how I portrayed women.
It was a very good question and absolutely something that I think about as I learn more about life and navigate my career.
I will say this, I hate being on the other side of the camera when I am shooting a very pretty subject and they complain about how ugly they are the entire time because of tiny imperfections that have nothing to do with their real beauty. It bums me out when people ask me to please photoshop them. And it makes me the most sad when I say, " why would I do that you are a beautiful person." and they say, "No I'm not."
As for Cole's career she did have some things to say about it to the Anono Commentor, and I feel like it could be a post all by itself. As of right now, I have no immediate plans of addressing it (beyond what I just did.)
I read your blog everyday.
I love that you are willing to be human. I also enjoy that you use this blog as a forum to discuss issues and deal with the messiness of life.
So yesterday when I read your post I had mixed feelings about how I felt. I was excited to read the reactions....I honestly hoped to have some kind of intellectual thoughts discussed. I even wanted to write about how I felt, but I didn't because my thoughts are lengthy and there was little intellectual discussion.
Most of the comments were either "ra ra ra you are so right" or "hey judgmental jerk my kids will be ok and yours won't". Neither offer anything to work with.
Today, when I read your follow up post I realized that you are looking for an intellectual response.
I don't completely agree with your views. I think they come from a place of pure love and fear. I guess I feel compelled to write to give another perspective....somewhere in the middle.
A bit of background: I have an undergrad and grad degree in women's studies and I have been teaching at a university in the women's studies dept for 10 years. I say this not as a way to gain some kind of feminist street cred, but rather to say I discuss these kinds of topics with my students regularly.
I believe that consumer culture is the most problematic in this argument. And it is not just the tangible objects that we buy, but we also "buy" beliefs and thoughts as well.
Princesses are not inherently evil and neither is pink....you already know that. What is damaging is when girls believe that they are only useful if attractive or sexy (which is another topic). It is important to empower our children, teach them to have self-respect, and offer critical examination moments. This is where we agree.
Where I don't agree: that princess culture is automatically damaging to young girls or toy guns/swords are damaging to young boys. I stress to my students that we are all a part of american culture, whether we believe in what is being fed to us or not. Unless we live in some backwoods compound we are all a part of this. Anyone can make a choice to teach their kid something but the minute they enter into the public sphere they gain access to it anyway. I don't think denial is the key.....I fully support balance, but I think it is deeper than that. I think offering other ideas is key. When a kid says "I want to be pretty or thin or whatever, we need to say ok but what about smart or comfortable or happy.
I firmly believe that how we act as parents and mentors is vitally more important than the toys or movies they are exposed to. If we preach, love your self/ body, but we talk about weight loss or getting into shape ourselves our kids hear that and ingest it.
This comment is entirely too long already :) But I want to say that I don;t think your children will ever have to worry about any of this stuff as long as you keep searching for truth, balance and happiness.....your inquisitive attitude is what they will learn from.
( I do not know you, but have gathered some kind of idea based on your writing about your childhood.....I also came from a childhood that was both loving and chaotic)
The last thing I want to comment on is that when you are a kid who grows up in an environment that can have issues all you strive to do is make damn sure your kids never have to deal with that kind of heartache or deep self-reflection. I think that instead of us worrying about all the ills in the world damaging our kids we need to give them the skills to fight for what kind of life they want.
Never commented before but these posts touched on something that I've been thinking about alot. As I read them (and maybe I'm just projecting my own feelings), your main concern is the rampant commercialism and, for girls, sexualization of our kids. I have a son too and I think it's similar for boys, but instead of sexualization, it's often violence that is pushed.
It's so hard to fight against the enormous commercial machine, because it's everywhere. It sometimes feels like a no-win battle. I can protect them from over-exposure at home, but they will see it at school, at friends houses, and almost anywhere we take them. We went to a museum recently, and the kids exhibits were full of product pushing!!
Yes, I played with dolls. Yes, I turned out fine. But the world HAS changed. Like you, I fully expect that my daughter will play with princess dolls. Likewise, my son is likely going to play with transformers or video games at some point. For me, the toys themselves aren't the problem. The underlying messages that they often project are.
I don't want my toddler to look at over-sexualized dolls or movies and think that's how women need to look. Or think that heroes and strong men must be physically combative. And those messages seem to be occurring more strongly and pervasively these days.
I don't have an answer, just share your concerns. I think I will pick up the Cinderella book you read. Sounds like it might be a good place to start. And I'm open to suggestions, so continue to share how you and Cole handle the issue. :-)
At the same time, I also don't want to be the kind of parent that is always chirping (i.e. nagging) in my kids ears about all that is wrong with the toys they play with.
I think that you are welcome to your own opinions and welcome to raise your children however you like. However, in your post where you were claiming not to judge those who choose to parent differently, you were doing just that. The little girl who loved princesses and wanted to play with Tessa...you were judging her and how her family is raising her to the max - were you not? I have loved this blog from day 1 but see that you are just as insane as most artists are. I think my days of following you and reading this blog are over. Get over yourself. Princesses are fun, they are cute and they allow little girls to have fun playing dress up. Big effing deal. It has nothing to do with how they will turn out as a person, or how kind hearted they will become - shaping them into a quality person is your job. A princess movie or pretty princess on a backpack/dress/t-shirt/doll, etc. is not going to change your daughter into a shell of a woman or a shallow excuse for a kind confident woman. Perhaps the lack of exposure and ability to choose for herself will do that all on its own. Good luck. Oh, and I would love to see your response to how you can justify both of your career choices. Both are 100% appearance driven and often your subjects (hair and photograph) are from a pool of the most shallow men/women out there. Unbelievable.
Ryan, I did not read all the comments, but I did read your entire posts. I really enjoyed them, and I found myself nodding along emphatically with them! We all have our parental triggers, and princess culture is one of mine, too.
I have more to say about it, but it cuts really deep and really raw right now, so I'm going to email it to you instead. (Anyone who is interested enough can read in my blog and probably get the gist of it, but it's too personal to share in the comments of someone else's blog)
Suffice it to say, I get it. I get the worry and i get the specific issue of princess-dom and commercialism and branding. I totally get it, and I am concerned about it, too. But I think both your family and mine will figure out how to navigate this gracefully with time. Aren't things always changing in family life? But we adapt and settle into a new routine with new limits that are sensible and timely. You just got a little preview of this with that 4 year old girl coming to play.
For clarity's sake . . .
I wasn't suggesting you were a chirping parent in my post above. :-)
It's just something I am sensitive to in my own life.
@ Anono- You know, nobody has ever really referred to me as an artist before. I like that. Thank you.
Well put.
I’m with Cole. I didn’t like my daughter wearing that stuff because it’s cheap and tacky. That’s all. She went through a small princess phase, like they do, but thankfully it was pretty short lived and now she likes skateboards (but now I’m scared she’s gonna fall off)! Aaaah, endless parent worries! Have a good week with the family :)
So, I wrote that big long essay and then I reread the new comments that were posted while I was writing.
And I want to say something else.
@Kristin seems to be very passionately fighting for something. I'm not altogether sure what. But I do want to say that it is important to realize that you can simultaneously be into fashion, hair and make-up and still believe that women are more than just that. Women are allowed to be interested in the beauty industry without negating that they can kick ass while doing it. My worth is not determined by my shoes, but my brain and actions. I don't think there is a good argument there. You do fashion and hair because you are drawn to it.....period. It's the same as the girl who loves princesses and grows up to have little self-worth and the other girl who loves princesses and grows up to have self-worth. It comes down to how deal with your life and choices.
Ryan, thank you so much for writing these last two posts. This is something that I think about all the time. I'm a step mom to two girls, 6 and 2, who are thoroughly steeped in the princess culture thanks to their biological mother. At her house they get new Disney gear every day it seems, listen to Justin Beiber all the time, and insist on pink 'girl' toys. Their dad and I try very hard to fill their time with us with lots of outdoor activities and other games, but inevitably the princess culture sneaks in. It's terribly frustrating and I'm struggling with how to address this as someone with little real authority about how the children should be raised. We just hope that by providing a fun and stimulating alternative to princesses that the girls will be able to outgrow the princess obsession. You and Cole are such an inspiration. Thank you for writing.
Understood, Ryan. I get what you're saying.
Also, wait. This is weird. Anonymous--I didn't know I was passionately fighting for something by typing words in a thread in response to a blog post. I didn't know you could passionately fight for something in so passive a way.
Please, tell me what I'm fighting for! I'm just as confused as you are. Maybe you meant someone else, anonymous?
I missed all the heat yesterday too, as I read the post early, but there are three themes that I got from yesterday's post and some of the comments that I completely agree with:
1) Being cautious and thoughtful about the branding/commercials we expose our children to
2) Discouraging the idolization of anything - whether it be a color scheme, a character, etc.
3) A general dissatisfaction with the gender polarization of kids' stuff - bedding, clothes, toys, even dinner ware.
It's not so much about refusing to allow something in particular (princesses, pink, dolls, whatever) as it is to encourage creativity and independent thought.
One of my proudest parenting moments came when watching a movie with my in-laws (I don't remember what movie it was, but it was a children's movie that we had already seen & approved of). I hadn't thought about it being on TV and not a DVD. The first commercial break came on and my daughter got pissed! "What is THIS?!? Where's the movie?! I was watching a movie!!"
P.S. I have this comedic image in my mind of a stubble-faced, wife-beater-clad sloppy grouch glaring down at a pristine, blond-pigtailed, sparkly pink bike helmet-wearing toddler: "You got a job? What exactly does a princess DO?"
I read your post today, and then went back and read the post from yesterday. WHOA! out of control on the comments!
I have a 3 1/2 year old daughter and I agree with both you and Cole. The princess stuff drives me crazy and so does the cheap crap merchandise. Mass marketed toys and characters is what keeps me out of the big box toy stores and puts me into boutiques for toys. It is what also lead me to making my own dolls that represent the little girls that are playing with them. I don't have a issue with the girly stuff but it can easily get out of control if it's not monitored.
Thanks for your post! It was a good one.
We're 16 weeks pregnant with our first child, and the insane immediacy of questions raised regarding how we want to raise our child has surprised us both. So has the sometimes condescending reactions to those thoughts. For example, we'd like to try and reduce the amount of plastic crap in our child's life, preferring outside living and toys made with care and love and plenty of books. And so has come into play the question of princess/whatever the boy equivalent is right now toys.
I'm with Cole. I hate that rubbish because it's tacky and cheap and just not what I think is cute. I'm not saying it's right or wrong, it's just not my, no OUR, style.
So thank you Ryan for writing such a thoughtful post, as always. They're a joy to read, and something to think about. xx
i love reading your blog and i'm more of a lurker (creepy, i know) than a commenter because i don't have kids mostly and i don't think that i have anything to say about it.
however, this pink culture/princess culture has really got me interested. i'm a women's studies student up here in canada and we talk often about children and culture and what we are parents get roped into doing for their kids because of culture, socio/economic reasons.
i just wanted to commend you and cole for raising your daughter to not be a dumbed down imaginary princess. we know your daughter means the world to you. and she knows it. you don't need to slap a label on that - it's love, it doesn't even fit into imaginary princess land.
i think what you are sharing with us all is that it's hard. hard to raise a kid outside of mainstream culture - even if it is just the princess stuff, the candy... you are raising your kid the way you want, not the way society wants you to. you are raising your kid different. i wish you the best. and i wish some other parents would give their head and shake and look at what they are teaching their daughters. they have to challenge everything - look at the underlying messages - even those that pop icons like the biebs are sending to their daughters.
we need a population of strong ladies who like swimming and hiking instead of painting their nails and looking for a man to take care of them... because ultimately that's where the princesses end up.
thank you. and if i have kids one day, i want to raise my daughter with life skills and all the love in the universe.
thank you guys. keep it up. you are really an inspiration for resisting mainstream culture.
-cm
I have been reading your blog for a while now and the timing of this post and the original post could not have been more perfect. While your intention was definitely not one to politicize child rearing, I think you did tap into people's insecurities when it comes to their own child-rearing and upbringing. As some previous comments have stated, I don't think it is so much that princesses are evil and pink are evil, but the message behind the princess culture that is so eagerly consumed by parents and kids is one of self worth being only in how a girl looks. This becomes very telling when the 4 year old in your previous post said that a princesses job was to be pretty. While some people will say that there is no harm in that, I would have to politely disagree. As women, and even men, we are constantly bombarded with media and consumer culture saying that our self worth is tied up into how attractive we are and how we look. This programming starts at a very young age and continues to motivate our decisions in life. We buy certain things because the beautiful people buy those things. Even something as basic as what we eat is most times driven by trying to obtain a body ideal that is impossible instead of making healthy decisions for our well-being. Little value in our society is placed on kindness, honesty, compassion, and intelligence anymore and that is something sad. I don't think it is just Princess Culture that drives this, but our consumer culture of never being satisfied, that we always are looking ahead instead of simply enjoying the present. Its refreshing to see parents who are trying to fight this notion of you must be attractive and have lots of stuff in order to be happy. I am sympathetic to those parents who actively try to keep their kids grounded in being happy with the simple things.
Keep up the good work. Thank you for your honesty in your posts.
also... this might be of some help to people...
http://www.bust.com/blog/2011/06/29/lisa-bloom-on-how-to-talk-to-little-girls.html
We have a little girl that is about the same age as Tessa (2.5), and much to our surprise, about 6 months ago, she turned SUPER girly. Now she wants to sleep in her tutu and "dancing shoes."
She came to this girly-ness of her own volition and much to our surprise, as we never pushed it on her, and never even put her in a dress until she was 2 (she was fat and bald, and just looked silly in dresses).
I have the nurture vs. nature debate with myself all the time. But in the end I am not that worried. She wants to be a princess, but she also wants to be Kung Fu Panda. She freaks out with happiness when she sees a Cinderella back pack, but also when she sees the Disney Cars advertised at the grocery store. So I bet it will all balance itself out in the long run. :)
I totally get it. You must understand that some parents of boys have similar concerns. What about guns and football (head injuries!) and posters on his wall of women in bikinis? I have a 2 year old son and I am daily reminded of these things. We live in an all natural peace loving home. My husband is a social worker and a writer. I taught Montessori and now stay at home. My husband was raised by his mother so missed out on most sports and cannot even change the oil in the car. My two year old fixes everything with "tools" (sometimes correctly!), can tell you every part of a Ducati motorcycle ("these are the shocks mama")and excels at anything involving a ball. What can you do? Kahlil Gibran says that our children are like arrows and us the bows. We point them in the right direction but then we must let them go..... We can protect as much as we can but at some point our children will be who they are......and different from us. I can teach my son about kindness (and he is so kind) and books (oh he loves to read)but there will come a time when he will teach us about sports and anything else that interests him that is so foreign to us. What a beautiful little girl you have. Let her love the outdoors, let her be adventurous and tree-climbing....let her in a pink dress if she chooses. That daughter of yours will shine through any color! Peace!
Hey Ryan - It's pretty clear a lot of people including myself are in agreement with your position on gender specific products and consumerism.
You and Cole seem like amazing, thoughtful parents - Tessa and LB are very lucky.
SUPER interesting post(s), I read both, in their entirety, but did not read all of the comments (only skimmed).
I'm not gonna "rah rah" or tell you that you're making yourself crazy for nothing...I think your concerns are legit and well founded. I have similar concerns and probably many more. I've relaxed a bit...since Felix has turned 3 and has been able to vocalize some of his own interests/etc but I am still guarded in terms of what he sees/eats/plays with etc. Some of his "likes" have also surprised me. For example...he has a deep and abiding love for all things Viking related....I didn't try to replace Cars with Vikings, he did that all by himself. His personal taste is fascinating to me.
Raising a boy has its own set of particularities, but I've often thought of what lines I'd draw (in the sand) had I have birthed a girl instead of a boy. Alot of my parenting would be the same....but not all of it. I am sure of that. I have struggled a bit with how much violence he gets to watch in his cartoons (there has to be a middle ground between Backyardigans and Avengers, right?)
Sometimes I get overwhelmed with the magnitude of bringing up a productive and respectful member of society...one that understands personal boundaries, social norms, politics, geography and values....but then I remember that not all of those things have to be taught in a day. I usually reach for a beer soon after that.
These two posts made me reflect a alot...thanks..:*) I come to your blog for this very reason. (that and the badass pictures!)
I read your post last night and very much appreciated it. I have the same worry, having two daughters, who go to day care. One of whom picked out a princess booster seat (my husband made me let her choose between princesses and cars - i'd rather she not have either but the price difference between the non-marketed and the marketed was too much to ignore). And perhaps that's a major part of the issue - the non-marketed stuff is more expensive; we are paid by getting to pay less to market stuff for corporations.
As I read this post, I was reminded that I played Barbies, My Little Ponies, etc., growing up and turned out pretty well. And perhaps I shouldn't worry so much about it for my girls. Though, when my first born was an infant, we used to do daily affirmations because so many people commented on how beautiful she was. I made sure she knew she was beautiful, but also smart, funny, kind and loving.
One thing that does get my goat is when my Aunt says "all girls are princesses." Well, no, they're not and that's fine because being a princess is not the end all, be all. Just ask Kate Middleton.
Can we talk about how, of the "educational" cartoons, the majority of the main characters are boys? Sid the Science Kid, Dinosaur Train, Curious George, Wild Kratz. WTF? Is it because it's okay for girls to act like boys but not for boys to act like girls?
And, can we talk about how many kids cartoons feature good characters and bad characters and the two shall never be anything but? That "bad" characters don't have decent reasons for their actions, or that "good" people sometimes do hurtful things?
And then there's the theory that kids' peers influence them way more than their parents, so what we do / worry about is for not.
Okay, I never read blog comments, so I won't know if you discuss these things or not, but I just wanted to throw those thoughts out there.
Thank you for sharing. Keep sharing.
I hear ya...and I enjoyed reading both of these posts.
My boyfriend's kids live with us part-time and his 8 year old daughter is very concerned about looks and weight (thanks to some of the other women in her life). She often has make-up on, which worries me. She even asked me if I'll turn into an "Evil Stepmother" when I marry her Dad. The list goes on and on...I hope that her Dad and my influence can help to combat some of these things.
Also, don't get me wrong...I enjoy looking pretty, I care about my looks and how I present myself to the world, but I also know that I'm much more than pretty...I'm smart, strong, independent. I have my Mom to thank for that. Rather than sit me down in front of the TV as a kid, we played outside, gardened, read books, went to music classes & played learning games.
P.S. - I'd love to see a VH1 special titled: "Disney Princesses, where are they now?"
I don't remember how I learned of your blog but I have enjoyed it for a long time and it's one of my favorites. I find it thoughtful, comical, soulful and above all honest. I had to stop reading the comments yesterday because I just didn't get it. What's really funny is I kept thinking "don't they know Ryan and Cole" as if you all were my close personal friends. Which for those reading this, they aren't. I have never met them. It's just amazing to me that anyone who has read your blog for any length of time would think you were judging or putting your beliefs on others. I think you and Cole attempt to lead a pure and ethereal existence and I personally think we could all learn a lesson from that. Love your blog, love your insight and your honesty. Thanks for the follow up post.
Although I don't have children of my own yet, I do have two nieces. A 4 year old and a 2 year old (16 months apart). They're 6 hours away, so I try to absorb as much as I can in the time I get with them. It's fascinating to just observe their very different personalities and wonder how we'll raise our little girl. Bryce and Taylor (not such girly names, huh?) have the princess things, wear cute dresses, like to wear barrettes, and wear sparkly shoes. But they also loaded shotgun shells at 2, swim in pools with the dogs, and fish with worms they found in wood when they were starting the fire with Daddy. It is about exposing them to many things to me and as much as I will try to keep my little girl from prancing around like a princess or wanting to wear make-up, I'm reminded about what's really important...that they're happy.
Bryce, the 4 year old, begged to brush my hair so I sat on her little sink stool in the bathroom. Just before, I had reluctantly put "hascara" on her long eye lashes and swallowed hard because mommy lets her. She batted her eyes and smiled so big at herself in the mirror, looking soooo pretty. As she combed my hair, she told me she is going to work at the comb store when she grows up. I just smiled and told her she would be great at a comb store. She then said, "uh huh but I can be whatever I want." And proceeded to tell me she could work where mommy works, go to work with daddy, be a cowboy girl, be a nurse, or "whatever I want." I know my brother had a conversation with her at some point and it obvious stuck. Little girls can want to look like pretty princesses or they can like gross worms, or they can like both because that's how they figure out who they are. I'm confident that my little nieces will not have the hopes and dreams of being princesses whose only job is to look pretty, but I will support them in whatever they want to be.
What's most important is that they're happy, worry-free kids being exposed to LOTS of things.
It's in your nature to worry, but your little girl is going to pave her own path based on the direction you guys give her. Based on your honest posts about your thoughts and fears, she'll be just fine.
http://www.smithsonianmag.com/arts-culture/When-Did-Girls-Start-Wearing-Pink.html?c=y&page=1
interesting article,
i think your family rocks :) !
I have the same worries about raising a girl, one who wants to be independent and strong and fearless, who doesn't wait for a prince to come and sweep her off her feet, who is more concerned with being kind than being pretty, a girl who loves something because she is passionate about it not because she is responding to millions of dollars of marketing aimed directly at her. I also have the dame fears about raising a boy - that he feels he will not be able to express some part of himself for fear that he will not fit in, not be macho enough, will be more concerned with being tough than being kind, will look up to Justin Beiber rather than Martin Luther King Jr.
Preparing for our first child I find myself so strongly resisting the same marketing forces that tell me everything I need to be a good parent, my own family who believes I should move to suburbs to give my child more room and future children a room of their own when I love my little house in the middle of the city where I can walk anywhere and can park my car for days on end. I find myself defending my decisions about having a doula, a midwife, wanting to give birth at home. I think perhaps parenting is about standing up to that mountain lion, digging in our heels and just putting our fingers in our ears and doing what feels right regardless of what our parents, our siblings, our neighbors, or the advertisers tell us and the best thing we can teach our children is to find that strength and fight for the things they believe in, whatever that may be while we keep our fingers crossed that our example speaks louder than words, commercials and sticky girls swimming in pink princess crap.
Thank you for voicing this so I don't feel like an army of 2 in a big world.
I think the most important thing is that you find what works for you and it appears that you have. If (and I stress if) Tessa's interest peaks in princesses I am sure you will find a way to comfortably accept it into your home. Jade loved the Princess look when she was younger. My mother bought her everything Cinderella... But nowadays not a glimmer of that remains. She loves jeans, skateboarding, converse, and would not be seen dead in a tutu. Her favorite movies now are Stand By Me, The Sandlot, and The Neverending Story. Brooklyn on the other hand, loves Princesses... and not necessarily the Disney variety... she just loves anything girly and Princesses define girly. She refuses to wear jeans... she hates them... But she will wear shorts.. She loves to wear pink and loves having her hair put up in braids... But that little girly girl of mine is also a huge fan of the Avatar (the cartoon), Adventure Time, and if you ask her right now what her favorite movie is she will take you its The Wizard of Oz. I don't think Brooklyn will ever grow out of the girly phase like Jade did.. I think that is just who she is... I am going to call Cole later and tell her Brooklyn's most recently Brooklynism about her future... Its a bit shocking... Anyway.. I went off on a bit of storytelling.. and I lost my way...
Much love.
I think you're spot on with this, Ryan.
I have never raised a girl - but I have raised a boy and I always avoided all the spider man, x-men, whatever other comic book cartoon-man stuff there was out there.
First off, because I completely agree with Cole - I don't like the clothes - AT ALL. I think they look cheap. I guess maybe that makes me a snob - but, oh well.
Second reason we didn't buy into all that stuff? My boy played OUTSIDE. He rode his bike, went hunting, fishing, skateboarding, snowboarding, whatever.....he just didn't spend a whole ton of time watching TV or playing video games or playing with action figures - and so he never really got too interested in that stuff.
I will say that he went through a little Batman phase - and since he was interested we got on board and bought him all the toys, etc for Christmas one year - and, guess what? About a month before Christmas he decided he hated Batman and we had to take everything back. Instead we bought games and books and outdoor toys - stuff that he would love no matter what phase he's in. And we stuck with that until he turned into a teenager and only wanted clothes and cars and super expensive stuff (wait till you get to that stage, Ryan - it's fun).
I guess the point is that we all parent differently. Different doesn't mean wrong. If your kid is into princesses, why not get her some princess stuff? If she's not - well then don't push them on her. I think you are on the right track by letting your cute little girlie decide on her own.
ok--I read yesterdays post, but not the comments, not even gonna go there, but I'm hoping you take a moment to read this little article by lisa bloom on how to speak to little girls--about who they are, not just how they look. duh. we're all sorta freaking guilty of this, and I know it's not what you were talking about, but it really fits the theme.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lisa-bloom/how-to-talk-to-little-gir_b_882510.html
Teaching or encouraging your kid how to be a princess is like teaching her how to be a self absorbed brat. Just sayin'.
I loved your last two posts and feel like I can relate to what you are talking about, I have a daughter around Tessa's age and it is interesting to watch her start to interact with other kids who are raised/fed differently. I just added the Cinderella book you mentioned to my list of books to-read, thanks!
I am not speaking from experience but I am sure each parent has certain things they wish or do not wish their child to be exposed to, and don't need to explain their choices to others. (Although from what I've read & heard, from the second you become pregnant all you're doing is justifying your choices to others!)
I thought your post was more about 2 things: 1. Your experience with Tessa interacting with children & adults out of your home environment who may expose her to ideas you disagree with...that loss of control...the same as you can't full control if she did get an infection from lake water. It was just an unnerving experience. I don't think this makes you a control freak, it makes you a normal loving parent who never wants their kid to be exposed to anything hurtful.
2. Feeling like an asshole parent for saying "No, she doesn't eat that" and so forth...feeling like the other parents are rolling their eyes at you.
My thing growing up was I wasn't allowed to have potato chips. My dad used to be a bit of a health nut and he wouldn't allow them in the house. My mom and I - and I am 26 now, mind you - still buy one of those mini bags and split it in sinful indulgence even though it's no big deal anymore.
However, I didn't turn around and go on a potato chip binge once I moved out or anything. I wouldn't scarf them down at sleepovers just because nobody would know. I understood they were bad for me because my dad explained about nutrition. So, I wouldn't worry about a rebellion...
:-)
Best,
K
This is and issue that needs to be raised. I agree that it is not solely a princess issue, but a cmmercial/branding issue as others have mentioned. The cheap, tacky, label over everything clothes are there for boys aswell. Its just that Ryan has a little girl at the age that is prime for this commercialism, in a market that is saturated with this type of thing, and seems to have a bigger chunk of the market directed at her.
Princesses are not worng, pink is not wrong, hair, clothes, makeup, photography-all not wrong. All that is being mentioned here is a balance between the hype and fluff and the fun, beauty and magic of the real world that can be explored by these little ones that will better shape thier little minds.
Sitting down tonight with Cole and checking out all of these links to articles that people left, and going through the comments more thoroughly. Thank you for adding to the discussion, all of you. I will have more to say in the morning about all of it, how this helped-- not only my current worries with Tessa, but also the experience I have had with seeing people react to my voice online.
This has certainly been interesting.
Thank you for this post and the one before it. They give a voice to things I have been thinking about a lot recently. This discussion reminds me of a song by my fave musician Dar Williams. If you aren't already familiar with her music PLEASE listen to the song "When I Was a Boy". Here is a link to a video of her singing it at one of her concerts: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3K4PlvQsDI8
Personally I feel like you shouldn't be like No you can never have anything ever that has to do with princesses! if your kid wants to watch a princess movie, or something. That said, it is definitely definitely all about the balance. Kids can play with dolls (or princess toys), but still go outside and play in the creek and get muddy and all that awesome stuff. It's all about letting kids be kids, which you seem to be awesome at doing.
And to comment on this post I actually did take the post kind of hostile-y, but I realized you didn't mean it that way, it's just how it came across to me, so I didn't comment on it
I am the father of a 4.5 half year old boy and a one month old girl. My son is hard wired with all of the typical "boy" things; trucks, cars, fire engines, etc... He loves riding his bike (been riding a two wheel bike since spring), going on walks with us while he strides on his scooter, swimming in the local pools (we have a rotation) which we usually frequent after soccer practice... all this to say he is typical. Our neighborhood is full of kids and it's easy to identify the things we don't necessarily agree with as far as parenting goes. But I am certain they probably think the same....
We were recently loaned a copy of Tangled from our neighbors (3 boys all under 6) and to my surprise my son loved it - as did all of their boys. BTW - He also loved Mega Mind. I think you are right; balance is the key. And I hope to show my daughter the same kind of balance in our approach to raising her, as such, I fully expect to have to rescue her from a fictional castle someday - just before she goes to soccer practice. ;)
I will look into Cinderella Ate My Daughter; sounds like an interesting read.
I did read both of your posts (entirely). I did not read all of the comments, so if I mimic another comment, I apologize. I have two daughters, 3 and 7. I was a tomboy and love the outdoors. We swim and hike and ride horses. My 7 year old has always thought that princesses are lame (she's intuitive enough to get that I dislike them and is eager to please me). My 3 year old could care less what anyone thinks, she is whimsical and creative and generally carefree. She spends half her day in a tattered dragon costume and the other half in a princess tiara and tutu. She thinks she is gorgeous and lovable in either. I hate the tutu and tiara, but she loves them. Someday she will probably dye her hair some crazy color and pierce something I wish she wouldn't have...Normal attire will never be enough for her to adequately express herself, she will always need more. I am sure that it has been said already, but it is all about balance. My sometimes princess can ride a horse like a cowgirl, growl like a lion, and spends hours picking flowers and vegetables from the garden. I hope that I am correct in assuming that all things in moderation will lead to balance and a child that is greater than the sum of her parts. Your reflection and concern for Tessa's balance (in my humble opinion) will be enough to make her a whole person that you will always admire and adore. More importantly she will always love herself. Hang in there, girls get more complicated as they get older.
I realize that your point was that the commercialization and marketing for kids is pretty crazy, and you're trying to avoid it.
However, I re-read your post from yesterday to see exactly what about it irked me so much. I think that some people (including myself) took offense to your words because many of us women were once those little girls that liked to pretend to be a princess sometimes. It just doesn't have to be outdoor girl versus princess girl.
I don't think I've ever left a comment on your blog before, but I've been reading for ages now. And yesterday, when you wrote about your decision to avoid exposing Tessa to princess culture, I was so impressed. Not only did I give you a virtual high-five all the way from Australia, but I sent the article to my boyfriend with a note saying, "how fantastic is this post?"
I was most impressed by the way that you clearly outlined your view, your reasons, and how you apply it with your own family. Best of all, you acknowledged your fear of actually pushing Tessa towards all things princess by "denying" her. All healthy thoughts which will mean that you will actually never fall into such a trap.
Later on I returned to see what people were saying. And you know, the Pollyanna in me really hoped for the best. Instead, as you've mentioned, I noticed that people were made too defensive by the buzzwords in your post to have actually read it in its entirety.
I don't have children myself, and I don't know for certain how I will feel about gender-specific toys and culture when it comes time to make my own decisions. What I do know is that you have provided such an excellent summary of the topic, and presented it in a way that could actually empower parents to make decisions, rather than just fold to the pressure.
I guess the eternal problem with blogging (and I have experienced this myself) is that people are far more likely to comment when they have reacted negatively to something, than to take the time to say you've done a good job. I now wish that I had piped up in yesterday's post to even out the commentary a little.
Thank you for posting this update, I think it was important to acknowledge that your message had only been half-received by so many.
I really like your view on this subject. After reading today's post I better understand your view on the subject. I fell that female whether it be a toddler like Tessa, an adolescent, or an adult. It doesn't matter whether they are wearing pink and cheap plastic crowns and jewels or digging in the dirt gardening and wearing handy-me-down clothes from an older brother. Some people "throw up" pink and princesses on their little girls and don't give them the chance or option of anything else. I very much like the balance that you have in your home. Tessa has dolls that she can play with, just as I'm sure if LB chose to play with the dolls they are there just the same for him. I love your blog and look forward to new posts although I do miss the 2 minutes with Tessa videos :) Your family is adorable.
Like yesterday's post, this was a great read, full of emotion and humanity, but I'm sad that you felt the need to apologize. I read yesterday's post when you put it up, I laughed to myself, and I thought "wow, I need to go back and comment on how great it was, to say I completely agree (though I have a son)," but things got too busy and I wasn't able to stop by again until people started getting defensive. At that point, I though it best to just let things be.
So let me go back a moment. The only reason I'm sad to see you apologize is because the post was so damn good. You have an opinion (how awful!) and you chose to share it. I find it so irritating when people jump on the anger bandwagon because it seems like the thing to do.
Tessa's a cute kid. She'll grow up happy and healthy and fun loving and perfect (or as close to as anyone can get :-) and so will the little girl bounding around her house dressed as Snow White. But . . . that's okay . . . and that's the part that so many people miss.
And, for the record, I can't stand the boy equivalent. Cars, Wall-e, Spider Man, Batman, etc.. It's just not our thing and it's not our son's thing either (we know because we've offered it up just the same as everything else). So I get it.
Oh, and light up shoes . . . I hate those.
I love your honesty as always. I don't have children so I am not even going to agree or disagree because my mom always tells me, "Until you have children, you just don't know". I love that you showed her the movie to make her own decision about it. I do understand your feelings about the princess mania but I think Tessa will take in what she sees and make great decisions and feel great about herself because you and Cole obviously care so much about her confidence, well-being, and happiness. To me, your worry alone makes me feel that you will make great decisions in raising your children. Anyway, I have a friend who works to prevent sexual violence. She wrote an interesting blog post that I thought was very relative to the topic here, as far as how children view the prince and princess idea. I just thought it was so interesting.
http://hopealliancetx.wordpress.com/2011/06/20/princes-and-princesses/
Also, I can only imagine Cole's response to the attack on her profession, and yours as well. Wtf? When she answered all those questions for us, I understood that she loved her job because she makes people feel happy and confident with the way they look. Doesn't everyone want to feel that way? To me, it is clear she isn't in the profession because she is shallow and caught up on outer beauty. She's in it because she wants people to feel good inside, or that is how I understood it. (To Cole--I am sure you didn't need some stranger defending you but here I am! I just felt the love you have for your job and I felt it was more to you than appearance, correct me if I am wrong :) )
Anyway, I think you guys are a great family and Ryan you definitely are an artist! A great one!
I read both yesterday and today's post and love that you're bringing up these important issues - because you care about your kids, about being a good parent, because you're being critical instead of just blindly being carried along by the tide of mass consumption. Keep writing, I'll keep reading.
I just want to add that I've been reading the Fables series put out by Vertigo and it's put a really nice twist on the whole princess theme (in the same way that Buffy put a twist in the whole "blond chick in distress" theme). Plus cool artwork... check it out! (Although not at all age appropriate for Tessa... yet!).
Once upon a time in the land of Disney, I was in the Disney store and I overheard a grandmother telling her grandson that he could not have a Tinker Bell shirt - boys are not allowed to wear Tinker Bell. Why can't a boy admire Tinker Bell for her sass and moxie?
This isn't really as much a gender issue as it is a people issue. Some people teach their kids that fairytales are fairytales and if you eat poisonous fruit you will die and no one will save you because this is reality. Others allow their kids to be obnoxious, attention seeking jerks under the guise of being a "princess" and those are the kids that no one wants to eat lunch with. I mean, as long as your kid knows how to treat people with respect and kindness does it really matter what character is plastered on their shirt?
(I have a feeling Ryan that your kid could be spinning circles in a cotton candy tutu and she would still treat people well regardless, as you don't seem to be one who would expect anything less).
Hi! Read Barbara Coloroso "Kids Are Worth It!" and "Just because it's not wrong doesn't make it right". No matter what your child/children face(ie. mainstream media) you will have given them such a strong backbone (morals,ethic,critical thought, problem solving etc...)they will be able to see through the manipulation, stereotypes, injustices of the world! - Carrie
First time I've commented- don't have the time to go through all the comments but its a fascinating discussion.
I agree that the whole Princess thing is extreme commercially, but I really don't know if I believe that it plays into self esteem as much as you emphasize here. Maybe there are studies on that I don't know about- but from experience, I disagree. I'm a graduate student, and the females in my program (some of the freaking smartest, nicest, most graceful women I have ever met in my life) have - more than once - sat around to talk about what Disney princess we liked most as a child. (For the record- Belle from Beauty & the Beast. She surrounded herself with books!) Perhaps this falls into the "I ended up okay!" category of annoyingness. But it was fantasy, a fairy tale, an imagination of the awesome and the beautiful. Maybe I should mention that I'm in an art history graduate program and we all work in curatorial departments in museums. So maybe the princess stuff makes sense for how we turned out. We're attracted to the etiquette. The history. The narrative. The sparkle.
The more I think about it, the less I understand your argument.
If gender roles is the problem here, then I think its critical to erase the lines between His and Hers rather than destroying Hers entirely. Girls have been accepted into "boy culture", so bring boys into the fairytales. I'd rather see the mixture of both rather than the banishing of the "girls" side. Its like telling a minority group to merge itself into the majority rather than celebrating its distinctive qualities. Or- a very discussed analogy on race- the melting pot versus the mixed salad. The "melting pot" is of course the old version- the assumption that many cultures can mix into one substance. However there is always something dominant in the melting pot that eventually erases the individualistic qualities. The "mixed salad" allows many different types to exist in one entity. I think if anyone says the solution to erasing gender binaries in children is to erase the typical little girl side of the equation-- they really have to rethink their strategy. That's a melting pot solution. A mixed salad solution would be to make "boys" and "girls" cultures open to both groups. Not erasing one group. Not redefining groups. Allowing both to coexist for all. Erasing the binaries. Erasing that line that makes it such a big freaking deal.
(Lots of love to Jenna Lyons of JCrew for showing that photograph of her son's pink fingernails. That's the opposite of giving the cold shoulder to pink culture. That's giving a bear hug pink culture and the middle finger to the line between His and Hers)
I feel like this has probably already gone sourly obscure, but I hope the thought is clear. What a big and important topic. I commend you on addressing it!
its me, the asian lady whom once told you in one of your last posts about pregnancy taboo & myths about my asian elders believing that by shaving our babies bald, their hair will grow back thicker!!?!!. yes, its me. and no, I never ever shaved my son hair off...
you know with all this princess talk, well understood. everyone parent differently. I, myself due in October with my baby•girl. Anyways, enough with me, balled babies, and that whole princess stuff. I actually have had arguments with my dad, brother in law, sister. I am not slapping candies out of my brother in law's hand when he offers my 2 year old son. I fall back, watch my son takes the lollipop, licks it twice, throws it away himself. I don't yell "no!!" when my sister offers my son an ice cream bar or Popsicle. I watch my son takes it, licks it once & toss it. I don't snatch the fruit jello my dad had offered my son away. Again, I watch my son tastes the jello and he, himself toss out the jello. And no, like I tell those 3 & everyone else, I do not hinder or deprive my son of sweets. and it's not the temperature of the ice cream that throws him off. my son loves & enjoys a chilled, big slice of watermelon. it's not how hard the lollipop is, he loves receiving m&ms for a reward. It's not the jellos texture that throws him off, he loves cupcake frostings & yogurt. So as i end my argument with them three relatives, my son is not deprived or weird for disliking what they've offered. kids are like adults. they know what they like if given a chance to taste and see it. all is well, happy journey to Tessa!!!
I do realise this is going to be a comment where I relate everything back to me (because I don't have any other point of reference!), but bare with me.
From what I understand, your point is that there's nothing wrong with liking pink or liking to play in teh dirt, everything in moderation. And more importantly, why does everything have to be so commercial? Why are cartoon characters used to advertise unhealthy sugary cereals, for example. And WHY McDonalds, do you make boy Happy Meals (Hot Wheels) and girl Happy Meals (Barbie)? The Hot Wheels were inevitably better toys than the rubbish tiny Barbie ones.
We dressed up - and usually as brides rather than princesses! But maybe that's because our dressing up box largely consisted of old white petticoats and net curtains. We had a handful of Disney videos, but even mroe of the Disney sing-a-long videos cos it was (and still is) the songs we enjoyed most of all. And our princess videos were 'Prince and Princess stories from Around the World' type affairs.
My favourite two princess books were books about rough, tough, independent princesses who resented the pressure to conform and marry, so would go and find their own husband (or set the potential suitors challenges to deem who wasn't a complete idiot). - http://www.amazon.co.uk/Tough-Princess-Martin-Waddell/dp/0744594138 and http://www.amazon.co.uk/Princess-Smartypants-Babette-Cole/dp/0399243984/ref=sr_1_5?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1311759307&sr=1-5
And whilst I enjoy the occasional Disney film now as an adult, I do NOT understand all these women my age (early 20s) who are still obsessed with it and consider Disneyland/world/Euro to be the ultimate holiday destination. Maybe because my parents objected to it, but I've never felt the need to immerse myself in the saccharine, overly commercial world that I imagine it is. Then, as now, I'd rather visit castles where REAL princesses lived.
I haven't read any of the other comments from either of the posts. I just wanted to say that I am totally with both you and Cole on this issue. My niece and pseudo-niece are both into the princess thing (the former more so than the latter), and it drives me crazy. With her it seems like there is almost this sense of entitlement. Not to mention the fact that everything is covered in glitter (which, according to Demetri Martin, is the "herpes of craft supplies") and is, as Cole knows, horribly made. Then if you do go and buy the actual, certified Disney paraphernalia, it costs an arm and a leg.
I have a 16 month-old daughter and have kindly but firmly asked my mom and mother-in-law to refrain from getting her any princess or fairy (sometimes worse, in my mind) toys or clothes. Thankfully both agreed with my stance and were happy to oblige. When she was born, however, some people sent us some princess books for her, and I just couldn't keep them. It felt wrong to keep them and I wasn't comfortable with the message they sent.
Don't get me wrong, I watched the Disney princess movies growing up and loved them dearly; I can probably sing you every song from Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, and Beauty and the Beast from memory. And if my son and daughter want to watch them, that is perfectly fine. But that is it.
Hell, I don't even like it when I have to buy something licensed with Cars or Toy Story characters on it for my son. There is just something about it that feels ... uncomfortable.
With all that said, I believe people should be able to make their own choices for their own children. It's up to each of us to pass our values and morals onto our kids.
I think the scariest thing adults can do for children is to limit their creativity and imagination by perpetuating defined roles and responsibilities based on their biological sex, especially at such a young and vital age. Pretending and dressing up is super important for their expressional development but being a princess can be fun for a while and then it might be fun for the princess to be a fireman and so that children who are so impressionable, who digest our words like candy, are not confused that being one thing is more ok than being another because you're a boy or a girl. It's so frustrating when parents defend their children's rights to choose what they want to do or like when they're so heavily influenced by what we provide for them. You and Cole are spot on - give them nature, let them position themselves in their world, teach them to use what they start off having and what they'll have 'til they die to explore and use what they already instinctively know. Go you :) Tessa's freakin' gorgeous p.s.
ryan -
next, read "school girls" by peggy orenstein (same author as "cinderalla ate my daughter") and prepare yourself for when tessa hits her tween/teen years.
Wow. I'm kind of blown away by the responses that this topic is getting. Personally, for me, I don't see why the princess stuff and pink stuff is such a big deal.I grew up on Disney movies and played dress up with friends, I didn't grow up thinking I needed a prince charming. My daughter Emma is 4 years old. She loves to dance, she loves the color pink and loves to play dress up. She also loves monster movies, her Gizmo doll, trucks and sports. In these early years I don't think playing with character themed toys and pretending to be a princess has nearly as much of an influence as people are saying. You said Cole will not put Tessa in a princess dress because it is cheaply made and doesn't want her to look like crap, I just can't understand that.
I am far more worried about the magazine covers, padded push up bras for little girls, 15 year old singers grinding on stage in hardly any clothes(the media's sexualization of young female performers/celebrities). These are the things that really influence our children and it's everywhere.
So much has been said that there's not really anything else to say. (I'm still writing so, whatever.)
I'm totally on the fence with this topic. It's funny how people say 'I turned out fine' and it's a bad argument but the point they're making is that what you wear and what you play with as a child doesn't make you who you turn out to be.
You can be up to your eyeballs in pink glitter and turn into a lawyer, the same as you can be as gender neutral as possible and end up as a fake as a barbie.
Sure, people want to defend their children and their lives because who doesn't?
I see both sides. I don't think girls should feel the pressure to be the princesses but then I don't think they should be denied it either (unless it's bad for them).
We have a large family with lots of different styles of families and some of them are more commercialised and some are more earth based, importantly each kid is just happy.
I think if you try to put the way you like to live as 'rules' for your child then you might end up getting hurt. I certainly HATED what my mum tried to make me wear, frilly socks, oh lord. We even went through a massive argument every single morning when I was six years old about what I wanted to wear, it made my mums life hell. I went through a goth stage and wore black with demon crosses everywhere and I'm sure my mum didn't like that either.
The children that your child goes to school with and the groups they chose will define how they dress and the things they like to do and watch and YOU will have to sit back and let it all flow over you. It's probably going to be hard and you'll have to bite your tongue, A LOT.
That's just who kids are, opinionated and very decisive. They work out what they like, whether its high school musical and twilight where they want to cover there rooms in RPATZ posters and run off with Zac Effron. Or they might be shoe/clothes/hair mad and want to wear the latest fashion. Then they might want to geek out and have the latest tech or get into ACDC and Jimi Hendrix.
You just never know. Kids. A total unknown path. They change their minds like the weather. But they will certainly decide for themselves.
I just read your tweet about "disappointment" so I had to read your posts to see what was going on. I can't remember how I stumbled upon your blog, but I follow it from time to time because I too once lived in Florida and a lot of your posts remind me of my time there.
I have to say I agree with many of your fears and even Cole's dislike for the tackiness of this stuff and I am sorry you are getting beat up for working through your thoughts on parenting. None of us are perfect.
I am not raising a little girl, I am raising two little boys, but I worry about how this culture affects them just as much as it affects little girls. I now live in Portland, OR, far from Disney and gated communities where culturally being gender neutral is much more widely accepted than any place I have ever lived. Yet even in what I perceive as my safe little enclave from commercialism and gender specific marketing, my family recently fell trap to to it and I wrote a post about something my little guy said to me while out running errands that devastated me. He said, "Mommy you can't be a police officer, you're a princess"
It post is here if you care to read it.
http://appatomy.com/2011/07/you-cant-be-a-police-officer-youre-a-princess-princess-leia-that-is/
It was heartbreaking to me. I have never considered myself a girly girl and much like Cole I never slowed down or came inside often enough to care if I was wearing pink or blue or green. So to hear his perception was frustrating for me as he certainly didn't learn his thoughts on gender roles from our home. As much as I want to reshape his thoughts, I think the best thing I can do as a parent is give my boys choices, show them good examples of both worlds and let them be who they are in their hearts, which is exactly what it sounds like you already are doing. I wish you the best as you navigate this world.
After reading your posts and all the comments, it makes me feel better - there is no right or wrong way to do this parent thing. Every day, I worry I'm going to completely fuck up my kid by something I say or do (or don't say or do). That my current style of parenting is going to land her in a mental institution because I'm missing some big crucial point.
But we're all going through this crazy experiment called parenting and figuring out as well go along. It's nice to know that we all have these moments of sheer panic, looking around to see if anyone is watching.
I was one of those "I turned out alright" posts. And you're right. It's because I want, so desperately, to raise a strong, healthy, confident daughter. And I'm totally freaked about it - not just because of princesses, but because of horrible role models (like Congress - what a bunch of brats), a food crisis, weather phenomenon, etc.
Reading through all these posts made me realize that I need to take a deep breath. We're all in this together - parenting our individual children, but doing so in an effort to turn them out into the world to interact with everyone else's children in a positive way.
So here's to the good fight. To all the parents out there - keep talking, keep wondering, keep asking questions and KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!
First and foremost, I love your blog and photography. Thank you!
I have a three year old daughter and fought hard to avoid the princess thing. Until one day when I graciously accepted a bag of hand-me-downs from my sister in law. Low and behold at the bottom of the bag was a disney princess nightgown. Sophia was only two at the time, but she saw it and instantly made a mad dash for it. She called them "girl dress" at the time, not princess. It was all over after that. I feel conflicted because I am of the same school of thought as you and Cole, but didn't expect to hide every princess toy/clothing/book out there. She has an older brother, so she plays her fair share of sword fighting and star wars. I decided to let her embrace them as long as she doesn't start to embrace the princess ideals. She already tells me she doesn't want to get married, which doesn't exactly make me happy, but it's better then expecting a prince to come save her. We just happen to have a girl who is crazy for anything pink and girly. However, she is one tough girl who is extremely strong willed and hard headed. I think having a bit of pink in her life will actually serve her well. Good luck and be weary of any hand-me-downs! Shaleen
I just guess being a parent involves risk-taking. I've lived in the US for almost 3 years now, coming from Scandinavia, where the thoughts of foods and toys for children are very different from here.
(Sorry I haven't read through your latest post about food - yet)
I've been very worried that my three kids are attending American schools, where they serve foods that would make any Scandinavian break down and cry.....lots of empty calories (highly processed fried foods with lots of cheese.....you guys put cheese in everything...and color - ever wondered how your kids look on the inside after a birthday-cupcake with colorful frosting)
Anyway after a while I started to relax and enjoy beeing away from the food-police that is a part of danish parenting (well meaning parents and teachers always knows what is wrong and right to bring in your lunch-kit - which is a good thing.....as long as you don't - by mistake of course - put a little piece of cake into your sons lunchbox the day after his birthday and immediately get a note from the teacher telling you that was a bad choice....as if you didn't know that already;o - but now it made you feel like a bad parent)
Well, the princess discussion - is also different over here, where girls and women do dress quite different from what I come from. I'm personally not so worried about the little princesses - I'm more worried about how little girls see cheerleaders at various sportarrangements acting as strippers, dressing like....well... (I couldn't make myself write sluts) and these cheering-girls are exemplars for small girls??
I guess I'm acting your princess-phobias out on the cheerleaders...
Oh dear!
But I'm so sure that as long as you give your kids the right values and talk to them about the world and the differences that they'll grow up and make good decisions
I believe that pretending and keeping the kids away from knowing that the world is not full of junk and bad choices (and bad words------what is it with this place and the "dangerous" words - as if the beeps will keep the kids away from knowing they exist???)will just backfire. Knowledge is the best way......and you can only support and guide your daughters and sons through the process of growing up and I'm convinced that if you let your kid know what is out there - both good and bad - they'll have a better chance of making the right choices.
Just like you did with the Tangled-movie.
My son is 2 months younger than Tessa - and I've been following you since I found out I was pregnant just about.
I don't always agree with you - but I support your right to your blog and your opinion.
Own your opinion. Embrace it - it's yours.
One of the reasons I love to read your blog is precisely for posts such as these. I often find myself nodding my head, smiling and thinking, thank God, it's not just me. So please don't stop! I worry about the asshole label as well, and hate that I have to defend my choices about parenting and socialization simply because I don't agree with princess culture, Disney culture, toy gun culture, branding children, etc. I'm not telling friends and family members to whip that army fatigue shirt off their 2 year old boy, or that Cinderella tiara off their daughters head. So why all of the negative interest in me refusing to put a Disney shirt on mine?
Thanks again for writing.
I agree that kids do not need all the things that are marketed to them. I'm only 22 and without kids of my own but comparing my upbringing to that of my cousins I feel fortunate to have had a lot less than them. My brother, sister and I watched disney princess movies, my favourite has always been beauty and the beast. I liked that she was the geeky girl and was a bit fiesty. We also watched the sound of music, mary poppins and chitty chitty bang bang. We had variety which I think is the main thing, not being bombarded with pink fluff everyday simply because I'm a girl.
My brother would play barbie with me and then afterwards we would play on the tramp or pretend to be tiger cubs in the circus and my sister was our trainer.
I don't agree with the commenters saying girls should not be into girly things and should instead be hikers etc though. Girls and boys should just like whatever it is they like, as long as they get the oportunity to choose.
I have always been into dressing pretty, my mum still reminds me about how I refused to wear my winter clothes because I didn't like the dull colours compared to my summer dresses. I was stubborn and wore them and got cold. (It was a good lesson though because I had to deal with the consequences of not wearing what I knew I should really be wearing.) Whereas my sister was a tomboy growing up and never wanted to wear skirts or dresses because they got in the way of her tree climbing, so she didn't wear them.
I don't really know what my point is, I think what you and Cole are doing for Tessa is good, letting her see the options and not trapping her in a pink bubble. Goodluck with finding alternatives to the mass made stuff, if only other options were more affordable! Quality over quantity aye.
Funny how people put snarky comments up as anonymous!
I'd say that physical beauty is a great thing... but we Americans put way too much emphasis on it. I'd agree that the princess stuff is cheap and tacky. Good luck keeping her away from cheap tacky stuff including the princess crap.
I think the bigger issue is marketing of products in any form to children. I mean, I'm just as repulsed at Ronald McDonald as I am the Princesses. What do you think?
I personally can't wait to show Disney movies to my kids, because I loved them so much growing up. That being said, the princess culture was not blown up and insane like it is today. I loved the animation, music, and stories, but never had a princess dress to dress up in.
I think the princess movies have some positive lessons that you can teach your kids, but they do get overshadowed by all the princess crap sold in stores that mainly tells girls that their role is to be pretty so they can find their prince.
If Tessa ever does get interested in princess stuff, I've heard this book, Princess Bubble, is great. It teaches girls that happily ever after isn't about finding a man, but about embracing who they are, and having their own adventures.
http://www.amazon.com/Princess-Bubble-Susan-Johnston/dp/0965091007/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1311961466&sr=8-1
Last week at my daughter's kindy they had dress-up day. Every single girl in the class went dressed as a fairy or a princess and although Audrey wanted to wear a dress we decided she should go as Miss Piggy. Which she did. A frock, hairdo, a piggy nose and a hee-ya!
What to do Ryan.....Audrey loves Barbie, her favourite colour is purple, she loves to be outside, she clomps around the house in plastic heels. We gently suggest movies and we are thankful the kids love Ponyo and Totoro and The Muppets. Audrey has been watching a Barbie movie nearly everyday and I asked her why she liked it and she said she loves the singing.
As for me, I wear a dress every single day and I do my hair and love makeup. But although I love fashion and probably look like a Stepford Wife in the kindy line my reasons for dressing up don't come from an ingrained barbie set mentally from my childhood days.
I dress up because I have two special needs children and if I can get up and slap the lippie on and put on my heels it means I have survived another day.
I think there are reasons for every choice and decision made from youngsters to oldies and it's all about balance.
Love your blog as always.
I read the previous post in my RSS reader and purposely didn't click through to the comments, since I thought your post was perfectly written, but knew the comments would likely rile me up.
My parents raised me up with several "boy toys" because the people available to give us hand-me-downs had boys. I had race cards and things that were blue (*gasp*), but most of all, we didn't have 100 TV channels and I mostly played outside.
My babysitter on the other hand had 3 kids of her own, but 5-8 more to babysit, and always had too many toys around. They had every video game, princess stuff for the girls, plastic boy games for the boy, and when it's something they all wanted, instead of teaching them to share, they'd by three of the toy and label each with their name! And if one of us baby-sat kids wanted to play with a toy, we asked whoever's name was on it. Sick, really.
So, I had a few hours of that culture in my life every day, and I admit sometimes I did want things they had, like a Gameboy, and my parents had a great excuse not to buy it since I could play it at the babysitter's house. But despite all of those "great" toys, the babysitter also had a huge yard. And you know what? My best memories of being at the babysitter's involve playing with all of the other kids outside. We really only stayed in and played with toys when it was raining or cold out.
So, I think teaching your kids what fun they can have in nature and giving them those loving family experiences is the most important thing. They will crave those things instead of TV and plastic toys when they reach for something fun to do.
Oh yeah, and my mom was a dental hygienist, so I was one of the only kids that couldn't eat sugary cereal. I hated it at the time, but I'm so glad I didn't develop a taste for that crap. And, I'm almost 30 and have never had a cavity. Thanks, Mom!
I think when that little girl responded by saying that a princess's job as "to be pretty" you nailed it on the head. This is why some of us fear the princess overload. Period.
I have to agree with your postings. My husband and I are expected our first child and we are having some interesting "advice" given to us. You inspired me to write a post on our site as well about this.
So I'm pretty late on posting a comment to this post, but I totally agree with you. I haven't read "Cinderella Ate My Daughter," but I plan on checking it out. I think it is especially difficult raising girls so close to the Disney mecca. We are inundated with pink princess hand-me-downs. Also, it sucks to say no to our kids, and the marketers know it. Luckily, so far, my little one would rather watch Yo Gabba Gabba anyday. Good luck on finding the balance!
I have no children of my own, but a 5 year old niece and an almost 3 year old nephew, who are very "typical" when it comes to their preferences - she likes her princesses and horses and barbies, and he would be happy if he could stare at diggers and tractors all day long. The other day I had them in my car and to entertain them I was pointing out stuff - cranes, construction sites, police cars, the usual - when my niece said "there is never anything interesting on MY side of the car". And it got me thinking that there really are no "girls' topics" anymore since the whole "you are going to be a good wife and mother when you grow up" thing stopped. Everything is either traditionally for boys (and I don't want to imply that girls can't be interested in technical stuff or a fire truck) or kind of "gender neutral" like animals. It makes me wonder how today's little girls are gonna define themselves - if this will appear to them as having no limitations or if they will feel that there was no guidance as to how to define their roles. I don't have any answers, but it made me realize once more that there seems to be so much more to think of when raising a little girl compared to boys. In the end, I suppose we can all just try to be good role models and hope for the best!
How funny! I have four kids 18 yr daughter, 16 yr old son, 10 yr old son and a just turned 7 yr old daughter. The oldest LOVED Barbie! And Disney princesses as well. Although she never wore any of the costumes, she did have the American girl dolls, but never wore any of their matching clothes. (Yes they do have that!) in fact she never asked for the clothes.
Our 7 yr old does NOT play with barbies, only occasionally plays with dolls. She is our artist give her a box, tape crayons and markers and she is creating for hours! Her The clothes she ops for are anything “The Beatles” related (thank god for ebay), flowery peace shirts basically partridge family meets Beatles/ Abba or shirts that have a saying about saving an animal or the environment. Her favorite toys are stuffed. She loves snakes (we get to hold them at our local pet store) bearded dragons, turtles and tarantulas! She does love to wear dresses but boutique styled like something from the 50’s. I believe she thinks me being born in ‘68 I didn’t live thru the hippy era long enough!
We read ‘Shakespeare for children’ or Hans Christian Anderson, not very happily ever after endings. But we throw in some Disney movies too. Awe gotta keep them grounded!
There is nothing wrong with trying to teach your children they must work at what they want in life. And they must give back to the community as well! Something I think Barbie and Disney don’t do. And before people get all preachy, yes Disney does give to the community but in their movies do the characters give? Did they work hard to buy that castle?
My motto is to each their own!
LOVE LOVE LOVE. I am curious though how did you explain this to your family? Do you have family members who disagree with you? We have a family member that works for Disney so you can only guess how much disney stuff is bought. It irks both my husband and I because this is not something we "buy" into. I don't want to be rude since we have dealt with adult tantrums from this family member before in regards to our child rearing ways. A cup of Jo also had an interesting article awhile back on how to talk to girls.
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