Staying Out of Their Friendship

Growing up my sister and I were enemies. Not merely bickering siblings, we were the worst kind of advisories, we worked against one another, furiously and with intention to harm, it was a famous hatred that our friends and family knew about well. There was no hiding it. As an adult it's one of those regrets that just stick in my ribs, it's a dull shitty pain that isn't going anywhere, we are fine to one another now-- manage pleasant conversations, laugh, it's nice when we do make the time to talk. She has a cool life, great kids, happy marriage. I enjoy our talks when we have them. But... I'm afraid that we will never be truly close like a brother and sister are meant to be close. It was the kind of damage that can't be undone, we can forgive one another for the past, and we have, but the forgiveness doesn't replace the time we lost, it doesn't forge a bond like: watching out for one another, keeping secrets and sharing whispers, shaking from belly laughs, these are the things that tie you together tightly. Some people want to go back and be a kid again so they can raise hell and eat candy and play all day, I just want to go back and be my sister's friend.

As terrible as that memory is of my relationship with my sister, remembering how sad it made my mother and father is almost more unbearable to conjure up. They wanted us to be friends and love one another so very badly. They pleaded with us. It hurt them. Looking back on things now, I believe that was a big part of the problem, seeing them upset about our resistance to our bond was a lot of power to be wielding as a kid. It was an easy way to get a rise out of them. I was especially bad, it was like blood in the water, if I saw an emotional response to something I did, I went after it. I was a monster. Truly.

Enough about that.

So of course now, armed with lessons learned and my regrets, I have been hyper sensitive to the budding relationship between Tessa and The Littlest Buddy, it's something I keep my eyes on, but my mouth shut about. I promised myself that I wouldn't instruct them that they're supposed to be friends and that they are to love one another. In fact I don't think I have ever suggested it. Cole and I both have taken a real hands off approach to their bonding after LB got over his initial month long freak out that Tessa even existed. We were convinced he was never ever going to chill out. I mean that kid was pissed, top the emotional rage off with the genetic disorder and we were worried. Real worried.

I wonder what Tessa thinks of her brother, how is she coming to understand him, how does learning to communicate with someone who is largely non-verbal work when you're just learning to talk yourself? Would she understand him when he does speak? Would she bite her hand when she got upset as well? Would she tantrum when faced with an unexpected change in the days routine? Does she feel our stress? Will she resent the amount of attention he requires? What does LB think of Tessa, does he understand that she is growing and learning new things every day? Yeah, I could keep writing questions like this for ten pages. There is always too much to think about.

We leave them alone about their relationship. It's their friendship to navigate and nurture, not ours. We enforce the basics, no hitting, no pushing, don't be a jerk, that kind of stuff. I can say for certain, that it has been my greatest joy as a parent so far to see their friendship grow naturally. Cole and I will hear laughter from the other room, and realize they are playing together, they found a way to play. You have no idea what a relief this is. LB's Smith Magenis Syndrome has kept him at a distance from almost all other kids, so why would Tessa be any different? Why would she want to play with him? But she does, it took them awhile, but they have figured out how to make the other laugh. We see kindness from LB constantly towards her. She drops her milk from her high chair at dinner and he gets up to rescue it: "Here ya go Tessa." and she responds, "oh thank you."

This has been a slow build, they pretty much ignored one another for two years. And just recently over the last few months we have seen their little relationship really take off. On the days when LB is at his fathers, Tessa will look for him when she wakes up, and continues to ask for him throughout the day. When she paints she always includes a little blob of paint that represents him, he is always included. Hearing them playing off in another room together literally caves my chest in, it feels so good. I keep this secret from them, I don't want them to know how important it is to me, I am of the belief that kids shouldn't know what's important to us emotionally, because as soon as we take something away from them and it hurts, they will try and do the same to us. Maybe that's not true, but I know that's who I was.

So for now. We have two brand new friends on our hands. And I love it, and I hope that from the love we pour onto them, they will just follow our lead. This all feels so complicated, and simple all at the same time. Right? People say: You just love them with all your heart, sounds simple enough right? But somehow all of this is still freakin hard.

owners of just one iPad, you know things are going good when they are happy to share this thing.

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A few weeks ago we were driving to my father in laws house, and all of the sudden from the back seat the two of them start playing together. Taking turns being silly. Hearing them play and bond is the best, no matter what they're doing. It was the grossest music to our ears ever....

Total pals.



And of course we know, that this is just funny and beautiful to us.



** I wanted to post this, because for me helping to raise a special needs child it's always comforting to hear about positive and strong relationships amongst siblings. Any time that I see a post where there are strong bonds between brothers or sisters who have special needs I get a great big sigh of relief. For us it is imperative. We need to know that long after Cole and I are gone from this earth, that as an adult LB will have people around him that love him and care for him. It's frightening to imagine him not having anyone. So for anyone that stumbles across this blog from searching SMS, I hope that this post helps a little.

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