It's Not a Comeback, It's a Murder

On the third day of life with a trainer I arrived at the gym, climbed onto a treadmill, and decided it would be a cool idea to show these people that I am not just a soft sack of pudding. So I put myself through an aggressive cardio routine, that sure enough caught the attention of some of the other softies at the gym. I would walk for 90 seconds, and then bump up the treadmill to a full sprint for 90 seconds, and then walk, and then sprint, and I did this for 20 minutes. It was awesome.

15 minutes later, barely into my actual workout with my trainer, I broke into a cold sweat, my knees wobbled, and I was on the ground, outside, passed out cold, for two and a half minutes.

I fainted at the gym. Ugh... It was really hard to suck it up and walk back in there. Feeling like everyone was looking at me like, "there's the dude that fainted, what a wimp!"

Today marks the end of my third week, and my entire body hurts. Places around my body that have never spoke up before with funny names like lats, and quads, and parts that end in oids, are now screaming their collective heads off in quivering pain whenever I move a little too much. Yesterday I wailed on my pecs. You have to wail on them you know.

I am writing this for the people that are going to wake up on Monday that have decided that they are really going to make it happen this time. To all of the people that are going to drop weight, and get fit in 2012. I am 3 weeks ahead of you. And I am here telling you that it sucks. It hurts. It hurts really bad actually. You know what else? You don't see any results right away. Unless you consider not passing out lately a result. Not throwing up in your car in the parking lot progress. I can't tell if I feel any better or have more energy, because I am in miserable pain when I move even inches. Poor Cole has heard me whine and bitch about my body hurting more than any person should ever have to endure. If I do anything, like get up and walk to the kitchen for a drink of water, I say "oh my god this hurts so bad!" no less than 5 times, and then 5 times on my way back to the couch.

One thing that has honestly been a big change is our sex life. It's not more vigorous and intense like I have heard can happen, it kind of goes like this, where I say: "so you're cool if I just lay here really still and not move at all, because I am going to cry if I have to do anything more than that."

All jokes aside, the big difference 3 weeks in is that I can't wait to go back to the gym. I go again on Monday, and I wish Monday was tomorrow. I want to go every day. I got home yesterday and my body felt like a jar of jelly with some noodles hanging off of it, and I still wanted to go run. I didn't feel this way last week. Half way through week two I would drive home from the gym and I would think up excuses on how to stop going that didn't make me sound like a total wimp. I was looking for a way to quit. I was actually wishing for the flu or something. I'm not sure what happened, but something clicked this last workout. I signed up to go every single day next week until I leave for Vegas. I am as they say, hooked.

So for now. Turning the corner on week four, I like to pretend that I am fighting one of those gremlins, you know the ones that climb onto an airplane and rips it apart for a laugh. I imagine this gremlin got inside of me a long time ago, it snuck in stowed away in a bacon cheeseburger donut, fast food corporations plant them in the food so we keep eating their shit. And once it was inside of me, it took over completely and started ripping me apart. All of my muscles turned to pudding, and this gremlin has been winning. This thing fucks my shit up, and it can push on my brain and convince me that eating things like the brand new quadruple bacon stack melt, that's sandwiched between two pieces of fried chicken instead of bread now with crushed up cheddar chili spice fritos smashed into it is a good idea. So now I am on a mission to murder this little bastard before he kills me. I pretend that each time I exercise, my muscles hurt because it is digging it's little claws into my body trying to cling on. Every inch of fat I lose, is one less hiding spot for this bastard to hide in. The more I lose, the easier it will be to find this thing, and kill it once and for all. The less junk I eat, the more I starve it out. The more muscle I build, the stronger I am to fight this thing out of my body. I want my body back. That's all this is, a fight for your body back. So fight.

So maybe think about your resolution differently this year. Maybe it shouldn't be so big. Just promise yourself you will get past the second week. Maybe all the lights will turn on when you hit week three like it has for me. Maybe not. I'm not making promises, and I am certainly not an expert, I'm just telling you that no matter what you do, if you're doing it right, you're not going to like it at first, (that gremlin really isn't going to like it) and the changes that are occurring are not the kind of changes you are hoping for. Your clothes don't fit any better, and your body looks the same. The one little treat you get, if you are eating right and working hard, is you lose that easy water weight. So you do get one little weight victory on the scale. I suggest you don't even look at the scale the first few weeks. Don't go into this dreaming about being skinny, think about it like I can't wait to not feel sick when I exercise. You have to visualize that you are laying a foundation. You have to keep it in your head that what you are doing in the early weeks is making it so that your body can start to physically change. The stronger you are, the quicker you can get cardio fit, the faster you can start to make the changes you are looking for. That's when you can start sculpting.

One last thought, and I only mention it because it made me feel a lot of shame and really crazy in the beginning. It's important to remember that the majority of us were raised to reward ourselves with sweets and junk when we would work hard at something that we didn't really want to do but did anyway-- so don't be surprised when you sweat it out in the gym for 2 hours and later that day find yourself in the kitchen justifying the spoon in your hand digging into that tub of ice cream. These are old habits. It's in your head. You're not hopelessly sick or disgusting. You just have a trigger, hard work, equals treats. So don't be a fool about it, just get some not so bad "treats" to have lying around your house. Keep your reward system intact, just find a group of things that become your new treats. Lucky for me Clementines are still in season and so I can stand in the kitchen and eat them like candy. I am still fighting that urge to eat bad. I can hear myself say, "I deserve this." I feel like this is one habit that is going to take a long time to crush.

So that's it for me in 2011 here. I am looking forward to a gremlin free 2012. I wonder how much clearer I will think, and how much harder I can work when I am rid of that thing...

Thanks to everyone that wrote an encouraging word, or gave good advice or perspective when I started this. I am sure I will hit many roadblocks along the way, so it is rad to know there are people out there that can keep me going.

Hope everyone has a great New Years Eve, maybe throw in one or two really extra crazy resolutions this year, so when you start breaking them, you keep the ones that you need to be keeping.

Good luck.

P.S. Did you happen to see the chipin widget in the sidebar today?! We did it. Corinne hit 100% this morning. How amazing is that? HUGE thanks to anyone that donated and a really extra HUGE thank you to anyone that posted about it, or spread the word around blog land. So very cool and I am so excited for her.

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