The Season is Ripe with Forgiveness

I've written recently about my new obsessive love for the fabulous blogging combo of Instagram to Tumblr. I mean it's the best. Just the best. Really it is. But not until last night has anything I have posted on Tumblr really ever been Tumbled before. It wasn't an adorable photo of the kids, or anything clever that I wrote, it was a cool quote I found by my man Fred Rogers, more affectionately known as Mr. Rogers.

This was the quote:

Forgiveness is a strange thing. It can sometimes be easier to forgive our enemies than our friends. It can be hardest of all to forgive people we love. Like all of life’s important coping skills, the ability to forgive and the capacity to let go of resentments most likely take root very early in our lives

He's so noncommittal there at the end of that... It was really the trueness of that line "It can be hardest of all to forgive people we love." that got me thinking about forgiveness and led me to post that.

Within seconds of posting it, people were hitting the like button and reblogging it, and I realized just how relevant it was for the season. Duh, it was Dec 1st, and more than anything else this is the time of year people are gearing up to forgive the people they are supposed to love so that they can stand to be around one another over the holidays. It's a sad circle really, people muster up the gumption to let go of grudges and put differences aside, and reach out to one another in the spirit of the season, they dig deep and really make an attempt to make the necessary repairs to their broken relationships. However, by the time New Years is over, most people in this situation have come to realize after spending so much time with this person or people, that they were right in the first place, they are still a HUGE asshole. The feelings almost always mutual, and they all go back to hating one another until next December. They say things like: "I just can't figure out how to forgive them for the way they make me feel." and there are lots of those annoyed grunting sounds.

And despite these yearly failed attempts at forgiveness, they just keep failing... year after year.

But thank god they didn't have to feel guilty over the holidays. Would we really rather be miserable than feel guilty? I mean think of that choice. Miserable from guilt, or misery from being around someone you find insufferable. Why are we so afraid of guilt? It seems to weigh the most-- Guilt is like this snarling fat-assed 4 armed loudmouth monster bully that knocks you over, sits on your chest, and then pins you down and takes turns slapping your face with its four hands and won't leave you alone about what a jerk you are for hurting other peoples feelings. With each smack it reminds us of how sad we are making other people by our behavior. It says something biting and true towards our obvious selfishness to not consider someone else.

It seems that old haunty Guilt comes to town way more than jolly Saint Nick ever has. My feeling is that if your motivation to mend and forgive is solely to avoid the Guilt Monster, then you're making a bad choice. If you have truly felt forgiveness in your heart and you can take the time to reconnect, than that is a gorgeous thing, and it's what truly makes this time of year magical for some people. I love that about this season, it really can be powerful enough to bring people back together, it gives us glimpses at humanity that we often don't see the rest of the year. Forgiveness is possible. Why do you think I sob at the end of every Home Alone ever made? Because that little brat and his mom have the ultimate forgiveness hugout at the end of the movie, and I wish it was me standing there. I don't think the success of that movie franchise has much to do with the relentless beatings Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern take, I'm pretty sure it's the gratuitous display of forgiveness at the end. We see that it's possible to come back and find one another again, the child like feelings of uncluttered love. That embrace, people long for it to be true again. That whole movies message is "I love you no matter what, despite all the offensive and shitty things you just did. Merry Christmas."

For every person that's excited to go home for Christmas, there is someone else who is terrified and dreading it. One can't relate to the other. I hear people say, "I would rather be miserable than alone over Christmas." How many people in this situation ever consider mending their relationships with being alone? Maybe try and fix that first. It's probably a more manageable feat than finding new commonalties and bonds with broken friendships and family. I have heard claims that the people most successful in relationships are the ones that figured out how to be alone and love who they are when they're flying solo way before they ever got into a relationship with someone else. What if this is 100% true? Who actively tries to love being alone? Most people are running around trying to figure out how to never end up this way. It's been beaten into us that it's the worst thing you can be, completely by yourself. We have this terrible picture ingrained into us that if you're alone, it must be because something is wrong with you.

You know what's really hard to do by yourself? Feel guilty.

For whatever reason, the fear of feeling guilty makes us do and tolerate things that shouldn't be done or tolerated. I know of situations where others have allowed themselves to be put into harms way, and endure unspeakable abuse, just because they would rather not feel the guilt of making someone else feel rejected or alone. Here is the deal, if you think someone is crummy and cruel and you hate the way they treat you, a sale at the Mall, and twinkle lights, and cocoa isn't going to change any of that.

So instead of worrying about the guilt this year, I say try a year where you break the cycle, don't reach out to people that you know are wrong and have hurt you in the past. Break the cycle this year. What if that is the very thing that brings on actual forgiveness?

When was the last time you enjoyed the holidays? Maybe this year make it a point to have a face off with Guilt and battle that monster off your chest and out of your business. Surround yourself solely with people that inspire you, support you, love you for who you are. Don't buy presents for anyone that makes you feel bad. Don't sit in church if you don't believe in God, don't have people into your home that make you hurt. You have 23 days from right now, to figure out how to make this holiday feel good for you and your loved ones. These are your memories to make, and they shouldn't be dictated by people that make you feel bad.

For me, it took me my entire adult life to figure out that when I am around my parents, I need to remember that I like how I turned out. If I do this, there is nothing that can be said that can hurt my feelings or get me down. At the risk of sounding like Stewart Smalley-- I like me. And no matter what, my parents had a huge amount to do with who I became, whether they encouraged or discouraged, they put me on the paths that led me to this life, and I have a good one. So it makes me appreciate them in ways I never could before. They loved me. That's an incredibly difficult thing to do for some people, and with the kind of teenager I was, my parents are saints for sticking by me.

Parents suggest, and nudge, and push, and in turn we embrace or resist, but either way they put us in motion to find ourselves. That's enormous power and they wielded it the best they could, are we doing any better? I think it tends to sneak up on everyone that has ever been a parent. All the sudden you're standing there in front of your own children and you're thinking, I'm never going to make the mistakes that my parents made, and then you realize, well there it is again, your parents continued influence on you. They are still leading you down paths. They made the mistakes ahead of us, and now we are making our very own, and so on, and so on, and so on, and so the story goes. All we can do is our best, and the hope for me is that I can recognize my mistakes as they are made and keep the kids on paths that will always lead back to love.

Forgiveness.

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