Love Stories: Cicely & James

I love getting the chance to post some of the wedding vignettes that I make here in this space. I don't do them often, but ever since the warm reception that THIS received, I really look forward to sharing these moments with you. So last month one of my ol' downtown friends got hitched, and I was there to make some moving pictures for her. I haven't worked too many weddings and it is always such a stressful curious process for me to manage. I'm starting to let the fear of not missing a moment work for me, instead of against me, so maybe I am figuring it out a little better. I try not to aim the camera at everything constantly looking for shots, I remember to put the camera down and be still every once in awhile. It has made things easier. I am always careful to mention whenever I do these posts, how much I admire the people that do this for a living and do it well, it really is incredible.

So today I am taking a break from posting about my own family to introduce you to a new one. This is Cicely and James, and they gave me permission to share one of their videos with all of you. I had never been to a Jewish wedding before, and have to admit that as soon as I got there, I kept thinking: "Oh boy, I can't wait till they do the chair thing!" You know where they hoist them up in the air and dance them around the room. That always looks like so much fun in the movies, and something that I wish was worked into other celebrations somehow. Maybe birthdays? Presidents Day? We need to find a way to adopt this tradition into out lives. I had a blast seeing so many of my old friends gathered in one place, and I have to say that we all still look great :)

Thanks for watching and a big congratulations to Cicely and James...

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this gorgeous song is called: "I'll be Glad" by Bonnie Prince Billy

**Please pause for a commercial break. I recently freed up about 10 weeks on my calendar when a job unexpectedly fell through, and a blank calendar makes this fellow nervous. So I all of the sudden have found myself available for more work, I originally was only taking 6 weddings this year, and can now add to that number. So if you are that friend that gets asked by your friends-- "do you know anyone that does wedding films?" Please pass on my name. Thanks in advance.

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The Mysterious Dog - Revealed

**I asked Cole to write a post about the BIG mystery.

I am going to be posting what the dog was looking at out the window tomorrow. She was a little confused about it.

What a fuss over one little ol' shaggy dog showing up in a picture. At Alt Summit during Heather Armstrong's panel, she joked about her dogs, and told us that most people will be more interested in your dog than your kids... Well it seems like that Heather really knows what she is talking about :)

So mystery over. This is Wendy, she was a homeless dog that was tied to a stop sign with a note tied to her that read: "found dog" as in-- you just found this dog. My boss found her and took really great care of her while she looked for her owners, Wendy had a vagina dread that had to be removed by a vet. Gross. Wendy was around the salon for weeks being cute and adorable to children that came in, and during that time I fell in love with her. Now she is our dog, she has a home now. The chip she had says she is from a Texas pound, but nobody registered the chip. The kids love her, Tessa LOVES her and might be guilty of giving this dog about 100 hugs too many in a day. Tessa is actually walking that fine line of becoming the little girl from Finding Nemo that all the fish were terrified of. There is a point every day where she starts lurching around like Frankenstein with her arms extended out, going in for hug 217 and the dog is running from room to room trying to hide. Wendy is a terrier beagle mix, and the vet guessed she is between 2 and 3 years old, and she pretty much rules. She came completely potty trained, walks on a leash like a show dog. Runs along side a bicycle like a pro. She is as fast as wind.

Wendy favors LB. I really like that she gives him confidence. He has a list of commands he uses: sit, crate up, go away, come, and of course no-no-NO. He will feed her at night, and helps with walking her. I love it when she surprises him and he says, "Oh My Gosh Wendy!!"

She was an unexpected surprise addition to our family, but now that she is a part of it, I can't imagine not having her. She fits right in with all of us.

Say hi to Wendy! You will be seeing a lot of her if she keeps sneaking into all the pictures like she has been doing.



P.S. A couple people asked about the rug... that green rug is from Ikea. We are slowly turning that room into a playroom. We are in the process of taking the house back from the kids, and building dedicated play areas for them, and rooms that are toy free. The toys take over so quickly.

** I forgot to add that someone asked about the Pug we once had. That little dog went to our GG Mama's pastor and his wife, and they dress her in clothes and made her a little dog house and bed, and feed her people food and treats. They love her and are not allergic to her. LB was really allergic to this dog. Before Wendy was allowed in the house, LB met her at the salon a few times to see if he had any allergic reaction to her. We had hoped after learning that a lot of terrier breeds are hypoallergenic, that LB would not have a problem with her, and we got lucky. We would have adopted her sooner, but had to make sure he would be okay.

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Her First Big Art Show

I was in front of a computer editing yesterday from early afternoon till about 4AM, so I fell asleep pretty grouchy and disconnected to everyone. This morning I was amazed at how quickly I could cheer up seeing the sun pour into the kids playroom and all of Tessa's artwork that was still hanging on a line to dry. Tessa and Cole had their first big painting party last night while I was working. Apparently Cole plopped Tessa in her high chair, and broke out every paint, and glitter glue stick, and crayon we had in the house-- and just let her go to town. When I saw her to say goodnight she had painted her entire mouth red and had a glitter handprint on her forehead before she hit the tub. It was really sweet, and warmed up this old grouch today to see that Tessa was obviously very proud of her collection, she gets excited when we talk about her work. We never hang out in this room in the morning, but today, it seemed like we all got pulled into it by Tessa's new creations now that it was full of color and light, and Tessa's energy she poured onto paper. She really knows how to tie a room together.

Tessa's first art show


**sidenote- That dog loves the camera, anytime I go to take a picture she will walk into frame and lay down. It's pretty annoying as cute as it looks in this picture.



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Cole Answers - The First 50

**I am such a pain in the ass. In the process of trying to quickly make a space for Cole to post these answers I decided that nothing I could make on my own could possibly be good enough for her. So rather than delay the post any further, I decided instead to start posting her answers here on the main blog, while I get Cole a space built proper by a professional who can make it all work and look exactly just so. There were SO many questions! It was really particularly awesome to see the curly hairs come out of the wood work, wanting to embrace their curls and put down the flat iron. The volume of questions just drove the point home that this blog is nothing without Cole. So enough from me. Let's get some answers posted.

I took this picture of Cole when she was trying to finish answering these questions, she has been plugging away at it during the kids naps for days now. LB woke up and was playing on the iPad, (he has really been making huge strides with shapes and math on this thing). They looked so focused sitting there together working away. Little buddies.

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Message from Cole-- There were so many hair questions that I thought I would do a separate post just on them. Maybe even convince Ryan to do some pictures and a little video? I can't wait to get into it with you all. How fun.

The First 50

OCTOHAWK asked... Dear Cole, Why are you so awesome? No, really. <3 Katie

COLE: I only seem awesome to you because I am like Christmas. Meaning, as soon as you are sick of me-- I am gone, and all that is left is the rest of winter. HA

AND KATHLEEN asked... Dear Cole, what do you want most right now? (I'm thinking on a grand / life scale - not something like a peach Jelly Belly).

COLE: Kathleen, this is a hard question. I want to feel accomplished, i want to feel like the things I am doing in this life matter.

KIM ASKED... Hi Cole (and Ryan)... what was your favorite childhood snack? What's your favorite way to spend down time with your kids?

COLE: Hi Kim, My favorite snack as a kid was grilled cheese with sliced apples and a huge glass of koolaid poolside. Hands down that was my favorite.

My favorite thing to do with the kids is probably going to the beach, or the pool. Everyone is happy and content in the water around here.

JENNIFER ASKED ... Hi Cole, I've been following along (& enjoying your journey) since you were about in your second trimester with Tessa. I have a personal/photo blog and have never been able to bring myself to post my children's faces. Do you have any feelings or doubts about featuring your children so openly? Have any weirdos ever surfaced that were of concern to you? Hardly anyone sees my blog, so i guess it's quite different, but I'm wondering if my fear is irrational ;)
Thanks!, jennifer

COLE: Jennifer, I don't fear for my children, but with everything that involves humans, I am sure there is always the chance that something weird could happen. I feel like this is one of those things that comes down to your instinct. If it feels wrong to you, then don't do it. I have encountered way more "weirdos" at the grocery store than on the internet :)

THE PANIC ROOM ASKED... Should I just turn this blog into a photography/fashion blog and just do cool photo shoots with you all the time? Let me know soon.

COLE: I know you want to switch things up, you're just afraid to do it. Stop being afraid.

NICOLE ASKED... I have so many questions for Cole!

First, on the hair front, how long does it take you to do your hair? What do you have to do to get it look so awesome all the time? How do I find a good hair stylist?

Second, on the fashion front, are Toms shoes as comfortable as they look like they'd be? Where do you find such cool, effortless-looking clothes?

Third, on the marriage front, is Ryan as awesome a husband as he seems like he'd be? Does he tell you that you're awesome like he says so on the blog? I hope so.

COLE: Nicole, Hair Answers coming soon, hang tight... Toms are comfortable, but not for walking a 5k or anything, but yes they are great shoes.

I hardly ever shop or buy anything new for myself. I have some kind of guilt and prudence (that's a blog post for another day). That being said there is this place around here called Dechoes and they will buy old clothes for cash or store credit. I will buy and sell there, they have really great taste in what they buy so I usually find something I like. Otherwise, Ryan forces me to get something nice for myself from time to time and I really love JCrew, Jeffery Campbell, Anthropology, Gap Jeans, Camper Shoes, Built by Wendy... Stuff like that.

Ryan is pretty rad, i like him.

LESLIE ASKED... Dear Cole, Where do you turn to for inspiration? Favorite books/magazines/websites/movies/pop culture?

COLE: Leslie, The last two books I read were "Radical Homemakers" and "Made From Scratch" and they are both about leading a simple life. They both encourage the reader to produce more and consume less. I would say that in the past 5 years these two books have been the most influential. They really went hand in hand and motivated me to change my life style.

I regularly flip through "Bon Magazine" "Nylon" "Teen Vogue" "Ready Made" "Dwell" "British Vogue" "Harper's Bazaar" In a magazine I want less read and more see, I am looking for ideas for hair, makeup, fashion, photo shoots, or inspiration for the house.

As far as movies, visually I really like movies based on Comic books (Gwyneth Paltrows hair in "Iron Man" was to die for) Period films, stuff like that nothing too specific. I'm not a huge movie person but Ryan will insist I watch things with him that he has already seen and thinks I need to experience it. The last movie I watched was the documentary: Hearts of Darkness A Filmmakers Apocalypse" the film was shot and narrated by Eleanor Coppola and she documented how insane her husband went making the film. Maybe he is trying to tell me something with that one :)

STEPHANIE MANSUETO said... Dear Nicole, I want to go on a girls weekend in the next few years. Is this possible? You + me + Tessa + Jade + B. Where would go? Sorry, Ryan. I love you but you are not invited.

Miss you guys.

COLE: This isn't a question this is a request, you must hang up and dial the appropriate extension

JDG ASKED... Dear Cole, do you keep a supply of horse tranquilizers around to occasionally balance out your husband's seemingly boundless energy? I mean, please tell me you guys sit around and watch Bravo once in awhile.

COLE: No, I never have to drug him, lol... Though he has been known to stay up way later than the rest of us and wake up way before us. He is busy most of the time buzzing around the house ideas falling out of him where ever he goes. But we do watch TV. We are pretty big "Survivor" fans, and LB likes the games in the show. We three watch that after Tessa goes to bed on Wednesdays. I have been a die hard "Parenthood" fan since the beginning and now Ryan is hooked too.

MELANIE ASKED... Dear Cole, I love to follow "Tessa's adventures" as she seems to be like my own daughter. I sometimes wonder how your week schedule looks like when Ryan is away for a job. You seem so serene with it! Your home seems so peaceful!

(And Ryan, thank you for your photos! Your blog is a real bright window when I take a break at work [I'm a French translator])

COLE: Well, funny you should ask... Between me working, and Ryan being out of town all of the time it really has been a struggle. Ryan gets called out for jobs constantly, and I was always scrambling to find a sitter for Tessa. After six months or so of this it finally became apparent that I was going to need to stay home more so he could travel for work, and there be some kind of consistency for the children. Lots of tears came along with this decision, I feel like I am losing a dear dear friend. Now I will only work 1 day a month until we can figure out a schedule that works for all of us. I am not looking at it like I am quitting. To answer your question, I don't yet know, this has been my first week home and I am still figuring out how all of this is going to roll.

On a side note, I dabbled in French for a little while, and I would love to really learn the language.

SARAH ASKED... How in the world are you balancing on that bike so gracefully???

COLE: My brother helped me. You don't see him standing there?

SHANNON MAC asked... Dear Cole -- What would you say is the most important lesson you have learned as a mamma? I'm pregnant with my first, and you guys seem to have a great time, so I'm asking for advice or inspiration!

Also, I have curly hair too. I don't live too far away -- I need to venture out to your salon for a cut from someone who appreciates curls :)

COLE: The most important lesson: Trust the mom you are, you are the mom your child was meant to have. I have learned that when it comes to my kids, I know best, I know them best, and I am going to be able to help them and make the best decisions for them. It has been hard to learn to tune out all of the chatter from all of the people that want to tell me how to parent. The only other thing I could say to a new mom is maybe try and figure out something that you enjoy that your baby will be able to do with you. Like, Tessa and I go to breakfast once a week, and I have a cup of coffee, while she builds a block tower on the table. Good luck with your new little one! You are going to have a blast, I am sure.

MAE BURKE asked.. Cole, Our babies are about a week apart, and I believe mine weaned a couple of months after her first birthday. I remember Ryan saying "It's time" but I don't know that he ever said how it turned out. So, How'd it go?

I for one was grateful to have my boobies back, but we've got number two due any day now...so it won't be for long ;]

COLE: I think that we weaned too fast for my body, I did have a bit of a rough patch with all of the hormones, but all of that seems to have settled now. She is weaned and keeping her little fingers out of my bra. It went really smoothly for her. Good luck with the new little one :) (note from Ryan: I was happy to have them back. Real happy.)

ERIN asked... Not to sound totally creeper, but alchemy is the salon that made me want to become a hair stylist. after busting my butt for a few years of going to school and then hashing it out at a salon in st pete, my husband and i decided to have a baby. my little monkey is very close in age to tessa. never in my life did i imagine myself as a stay at home mom, but my mind was changed as soon as i saw his face. but the older he gets the closer the impending 'back to work" date becomes. so i guess my question is.... how do you balance such a demanding career and an amazing family? and what do you do for "you" time?

COLE: Erin, it is really hard. Between LB being special needs, and Tessa being small, added to the fact that along with Ryan's career comes a lot of traveling, it has been really tough. Last week I made the decision to step away from Alchemy for a little while to balance this household out. Honestly "me time" has been Alchemy, hair is my passion, my favorite thing to do for myself. It is fun, it challenges me creatively, I have built a great clientele made of people that I really like and enjoy, and the Alchemy community is my second family. Being away is really going to be hard. Still if I think about it too much I will burst into tears, it is really difficult. I am not sure how everything is going to pan out. For now I am grateful that I am going to be in once a month to work, and I am really focusing in on our kids.

MIRIAM asked... As a fellow home birther...what led you to your decision to have Tessa at home? How do you advocate for a woman's choice to birth at home?

COLE: Deciding to have Tessa at home was a pretty wild ride. I was given an emergency c-section when I gave birth to LB, and I was determined not to have another baby taken out of my that way again. Ryan and I found a doctor in town that does VBACs and we met with him, he took our insurance, everything was great, all that was left to do was to have my IUD removed and to get pregnant. Before we left his office that day he removed my IUD and that month we were pregnant with Tessa. I made an 8 week appointment and that is when we realized that this wasn't going to go well if I remained under his care. Yes, he did VBACs, but not with our insurance, and yes he takes our insurance, but only if we were going to elect C-Section. I wanted to slap him in the face. I couldn't stop thinking, "Are you a freaking IDIOT? we specifically came to you and have a consultation because I DON'T WANT A C-SECTION!!!" Anyway we never saw him again. Then the hunt was on. Doctor after doctor, none of them would even consider a VBAC because of insurance regulations and hospital policies etc. Then a moved on to calling birthing centers in the area, where I quickly found out that the state of Florida has outlawed VBACs in birthing centers, and they told me that if I wanted to have a natural birth I would need to have the baby in the hospital. At this point I didn't know where to turn. I was about 16 weeks pregnant, I hadn't seen a doctor or a midwife, my quest to VBAC was starting to feel hopeless, when I finally found a name of a midwife online and her site said she did VBACs! I was so excited, I couldn't believe it. So I called her and found out that she is one of the most popular midwives in our area, and at 16 weeks she had no room for us, I cried. Later she called me back and gave me the name and number of a woman that lives about 45 miles away from us, but she said that she does VBACs and that I should call her. I did, and Christine was our match, she was our perfect match. The rest is history.

I suppose I advocate women's rights by telling my story, and through this blog. The more stories like ours are read about the more attainable it seems to others. I was told that I would never have a vaginal birth, and I did. I had a smart midwife that made sure I was a great candidate, and that my body was doing what it was supposed to.

JEN asked... As I type this, I am in my office in the building that was on your left as you took the bike photo! Fun to see a place so familiar!

What helps you to approach the ups and downs in life with such grace and style?

COLE: Talking about it. I have had to learn to cry. A lot of talking about the hard stuff. The good stuff is even better after dealing with the hard stuff.

STACEY asked..

1)You bounced back into physical shape so quickly after you had Tessa. Do you have a workout routine? What is your athletic background? Do you eat a healthy diet and what are your weaknesses when it comes to food?

2)I love your home interior design asthetic. Where do you draw your inspiration from? Any particular design blogs or magazines?

3)You seem so motivated. Where do you get your motivation to complete your projects?

4)What are some of your flaws (if any)? You seem so perfect!

COLE:
1) I don't know that I bounced back SO quickly, I am still not back. I did make a conscience effort when I was pregnant with Tessa to make really good food choices high protein, that sort of thing, all of the stuff that goes into growing a baby, not growing a huge ass. I am a sucker for Chick-Fila, and chocolate chip cookies. I was a runner when I was in high school, and I want to get back into that. I did gymnastics when I was a kid, and somehow that build stuck with me.

2) Thank you so much, although, I can't take all of the credit for the house. Ryan has a pretty excellent eye for design. I do, however love to scavenge the internet for old issues of "Domino Magazine" I will always miss that magazine. I am a big fan of Apartment therapy, sfgirlbybay , Ohjoy, and Design Sponge.

3) I would like to think that I have the motivation gene, and that I inherited it from my dad. But in reality, I have a hard time finishing projects, I get so distracted that I have to force myself to finish the original project.

4) I think messiness is my biggest flaw, second to no wanting to be helped.

CIO asked... Cole, You're beautiful. and your children are precious!

Do you have relatives in Texas? Because I SWEAR my hairdresser looks EXACTLY like you.
or else she's your universe twin.

I've been following PTPR since the maternity series with you. Did you have a favorite outfit during pregnancy? You always managed to look crazy adorable! (as you do now!!)

Does your husband let you play with all his Cameras/toys?

What do you love about your husband the most?

COLE: Thank you so much. I do not know of any relatives in Texas, that is weird that she is a hairdresser too.

I loved that green wrap dress when I was pregnant, with grey leggings with yellow fishnets over the leggings. I LOVED THAT OUTFIT. I would post a picture, but Ryan HATED those fishnets so there are no photos, lol.

Ryan wishes that I would mess around with his camera stuff. I might like to play around with the Polaroid sometime, but as of yet I haven't. (note from Ryan: Cole has a ton of natural talent, and the eye she has for composition is way better than mine, so naturally I want to get her behind a camera. Just let me teach you dammit!)

Ryan can put LB's needs before his own, he loves him so much, and he will do anything for him. How much more could a former single mom of an SMS kid ask for?

JACQELINE asked... Dear Cole, Even though the majority of people who read this blog have never met you, I'm sure it's safe to say that you are one of the strongest women out there! What are your primary motivators for getting up and looking seemingly gorgeous every morning? What are some things (if any) that make you want to stay in bed sometimes?

Also, how did you take that photograph where you're balancing on the handlebars of your bike???

I can tell that Tessa is going to grow up beautifully- she's got a fabulous role model :)

COLE:Thank you so much. Sometimes I feel strong and sometimes I don't at all. Life can be rough for everyone. Watching the news about Japan has been crushing, and really puts my "problems" in perspective, things can change on you so quickly, and in those situations people find enormous reserves of strength.

As far as getting up? LB shouting, "GED MUNNING MOMMA!" makes me want to get up in the morning. LB shouting ,"GED MUNNING MOMMA!" for the 30th time makes me want to say in bed.

Gorgeous you say? Well that must be from my excitement about those face washing wipes that I can use to get rid of all of my eye boogers without actually doing anything.

My brother totally helped me out with the bike trick, he is a Jedi.

I hope Tessa can hold on to her purity.

SARAH asked... Hi Cole! Always happy to see you on the blog. I'd like to ask you about your pregnancy with Tessa. We heard the story from Ryan's perspective, but I've always been curious about your side. I'm pregnant with our first, due in June, and starting to explore the option of a home birth. I know I want to do it without drugs and I feel like doing it at home would help with that. My friends think I'm crazy and I don't know anyone personally who has done it. Would you share your side of the story about Tessa's birth and how you reached that decision with the PTPR readers?

Also, you rock!!!

COLE: Congratulations! Birth story is a tall order, I am going to have to write about that later.
I think it is great that you want to have a natural birth. Interview some midwives and feel it out. I think meeting my midwife really solidified my confidence in the decision to have a home birth. Check out Miriam's question, more about the decision there.

ALIVEINTHEFIRE asked ... Hey Cole! I've been a reader of Pacing the Panic Room for a while now and I'm curious (as a newlywed, and future mother)... how do you balance your time? How did you learn to balance your time as you first adjusted to motherhood? How did you learn to love your new relationship to your husband once it included your kids, too?

I'd also be curious to see pics from your wedding. I'm a huge lover of fun weddings, and I just can't imagine you and Ryan didn't have an awesome bash :) You guys are so creative and cool, I'm sure it was one sweet par-tay!

Anyway, any thoughts you'd like to share on any of those topics would be awesome.

Thanks!

XO
rachel @ alive in the fire

COLE: Well, when I had LB I was 22 and I was working for the Home Depot. After he was born it was obvious that he needed a little extra help so I didn't go back to work. Since I didn't have a career that I loved, it was pretty easy for me to fall into motherhood. LB kept me busy. When I met Ryan LB was 3 so we didn't really have to go through any sort of transition into having kids. Now when I had Tessa it was a bit more complicated because I LOVE my job at Alchemy, and staying home is just as hard to do as leaving her and going to work. I love hanging out with my kids, they are my little buddies. I feel like that is important to my balance, enjoy the children. Ryan and I are still trying to figure out how to get some kids free time every now and then.

I will see about Ryan digging up some wedding photos.

AMANDA asked... Cole, I think it's apparent to everybody by now that you are gorgeous! What do you do as far as beauty rituals/habits. You just glow and radiate grace.

Also, you two seem like a great team with a lot of mutual appreciation and love. It's lovely to see in the world. Just thought you should know.

COLE: Beauty rituals??? You must be asking about the marvel of baby wipes. I wipe encrusted days old mascara from under my eyes, wipe armpits, butthole, vagina, wipe it all with a baby wipe. Hairy legs? Wear jeans. Seriously, I am such a slacker. I hate to admit it, but there is no way I can even try and lie to say I squeeze a shower in every day. When the scalp gets too itchy, and the pits too hairy, it's shower time. Lucky for everyone else I spend a good amount of time in the water in the summer months when it is the most hot and sweaty out.

MELISSA asked... Tell us about your background! We've been introduced to ryans upbringing somewhat and his relationship with his parents/sister. And he's told us about his Pre-Cole life, so if you feel like letting us in on your Pre-Ryan life, I'm sure it will be a fascinating story!

COLE: Well, I grew up in a two parent household. My mom was a young stay at home mom. She had me when she was 19 and Sy (my brother) 2.5 years later. My dad took over his dad's supermarket before I was born and he spent a lot of his time there. Sy and I have been and still are very close. I have a large extended family on my dad's side, and we are all really proud of our Lebanese heritage, and keeping those traditions alive after generations of us being born here in the states. My mom's mother is Japanese, and we spent almost every weekend over there with her. She has always been a source of inspiration when it comes to crafting and art, she has been a life long crafter.

HEIDI asked... Hi Cole, What/Who inspires you? Which are your 5 favourite reads? What is the best bit of advice you've been given?

COLE: Aside from the obvious (kids, and husband) I have been inspired very much by the team that I work with at Alchemy, being around so many people that love what they do is contagious. I have been inspired by all of the new homemakers out there. I am inspired by my dad. He is always thinking of us first, and I hope I am the same way.
I don't read much, not for pleasure anyway. A lot of case studies about SMS, and cookbooks, I wish I read more for fun.

JULIE asked... Is Tessa's middle name really Tangerine? If so that is amazing. How did you come up with her name? Where do you buy your clothes? What kinds of food do you feed Tessa? Do you and Ryan use any sort of daycare for either of the kids? What about public vs. private vs. home school? Why don't you post on the blog more often? :)

COLE: Tessa's middle name is not Tangerine. When we first discovered we were pregnant, we started talking about names, and I asked Ryan what he thought about Tess or Tessa, and those were names that he really liked as well. So from about 4 weeks pregnant I kept calling her Tessa Tangerine. We didn't know if she was a boy or a girl until she was born, so lucky for us she was a girl. ;)

I buy my clothes at resale shops, and scavenge through a lot of my friends give away piles, I hate buying clothes, I think they are too expensive.

Tessa eats almost everything. Funny thing about this one is that she loves ribs, and chicken legs, I never knew a toddler to love meat on the bone so much.

No day care as of yet, I have looked at a few places, and haven't been impressed. Also, why do they call it school?? are you kidding me? these kids are 1 this isn't school.

Public school can be great, and it also can be a crap hole. The school we are zoned for has a big group of children who were in private school and their parents decided to send them to public school, and donate extra money to the school. Between the donations, and the amount of parent involvement, it is a great school. We have also looked at some private schools, there are some that look incredible, and there are others that seem really stressful. I have gone back and forth about the homeschooling, I just don't know. I think I am torn about it, because I really enjoyed school as a kid, and I wouldn't give school back to stay home, I appreciated school.

JAIDA asked... I'd like to know what you think is the most important thing you want to teach Tessa about being a girl/woman. I'm a mother of a boy and a girl also, and I feel such a responsibility in providing my daughter with a good role model. I wonder if other mothers feel the same.

COLE: To be confident in who she is. I hope she grows up and realizes that everyone grows old and everyone has flaws. It seems useless and a waste of our life energy to worry about things like that. Being a woman comes with a lot of expectations in this culture, and more than half of them are ridiculous.

ALLISON asked... Wow, there are some really good questions above. I guess I can think of a couple more to add (that I don't think Ryan has brought up in the blog previously)

- i'm in my mid-20's & i'm reaching that stage in my life where i am starting to seek out my career path. i'm really curious about how you ended up in your field and your overall experience with it.

- i am a fellow curly-haired lady trying to embrace my curls (instead of reaching for the flat-iron) do you have any magical advice?

COLE: I have wanted to be a hair stylist since preschool. I have always been fascinated by being able to make people feel good about themselves. I really love my career, and I don't think that there is another career that I would be as happy with. I would say that I have seen very skilled hairdressers fall out of the business because they don't like people. You have to generally like people or you won't like being a hair dresser.

I will answer all of these hair questions in a separate post.

LIZARDEK asked... A comment Ryan once included in a post made me suspect that you blog as well. I'm wondering if you would share the address, if that's the case. I suspect your blog would be as fun and interesting to read as PTPR!

COLE: I have had a blog since 1999, and I do not wish to share it with the public. Trust me, it isn't fun or interesting. It's just mine. For me :)

MOMMYMICHAEL asked... Dear Cole, As a mom of three I've found my love grow with each baby that came along. They fit into our lives like a puzzle piece waiting to be placed.

How have you tackled the growing family, and the addition of your beautiful baby girl? Did LB have meltdowns because of the newest little sister? How did you handle those? How do you keep him feeling loved and included?

COLE: LB most definitely has his share of meltdowns. We tend to handle all of his meltdowns in a similar way, because the consistency works best for him. If he is tantruming, he is simply sent to his room to calm down, and can come out when he feels better. As far as making time for him, Tessa is so much more self entertained and not interested in snuggle fests that it hasn't been an issue so far.

LOGAN asked... Hi Cole! You guys are just awesome. Period. Thanks for making this blog, it's by far one of my favorites in all of blogland. and have more babies. Because you guys make gorgeous babies.

COLE: Thank you, and thanks for the break from answering questions.

DREA asked... Will you drive a few hours south and cut my hair? No? It's okay, I still like you.

COLE: You drive north.

AMY asked... I live in Orlando and love your blog, you look so sweet and its been mentioned you're a hair stylist.. Would it be weird to make an appointment because I love your style that I have seen here. :)
Amy

COLE: Yes, that would be fine. As I have mentioned I am cutting back my time at the salon significantly, but I would still love to do your hair, and hook you up with another stylist for the times you can't get in with me.

EVE asked ... Dear Cole, Yet another hair question, I'm afraid! What products do you recommend for curls? And how do you avoid getting the dreaded crispy look when using a diffuser? I am currently in the process of trying to embrace my curls after years of straightening them, and am struggling to get them looking sexy!
Thanks, Eve x

COLE: Bumble and bumble Curl Creme ( I will be doing a separate post on hair, I am excited about that one.)

LAYLA asked... Hi Cole! I love this blog and think you're probably the prettiest chick in the world, with the cutest kids.

How did you manage to have Tessa and look like you'd never been pregnant in your life? I've never even had kids, but I still look like I eat cupcakes like it's my job (some days, it is my job).

COLE: Suck it in. I try to make good food choices, but I am guilty of too much coffee, and handfuls of chocolate. I ride my bike a lot, and I also walk to a lot of places. I think that it is easier for me to stay healthy when it is a part of my lifestyle rather than a chore.

SARAH RAE asked... Your family faces challenges that many can't even dream of and although your strength and courage is portrayed through the blog and it's words and photos... there still has to be fear hiding behind the smiles and videos of escapes to the beach.

What still scares you? Doctors? Information? ET? Dogs with 6 toes?

COLE: I am afraid of dying before I know that I have LB set up to be taken care of by good people that he loves. I am afraid of hospital births, I am afraid of how badly humans are destroying the earth. I am afraid of losing loved ones, because it hurts so much. I still have plenty to be afraid of :)

BLACK HOCKEY JESUS asked... Dear Cole. Doesn't it freak you out at all that Ryan's gone so much taking pictures of hot chicks? I hung with him i'n Chicago and NYC and I wanted to get gay with him.

COLE: What? Hot chicks? Where? No dude, have you read this blog??? He loves me, and as much as it is obvious on this blog it is even more obvious in our life together. I never worry about him. (Note from Ryan: It probably helps that I never refer to any of the models I shoot as "hot chicks" )

SABRINA asked... Yay! Hi Cole! Ryan's touched briefly on your diverse background. I wanted to know if this plays a role in your life regarding language, religion, culture etc. If so, are there aspects of your family history (again, language, religion, culture, etc.) that you try and implement into your role as a mom with LB and Tessa?

COLE: Yes, there are many Lebanese traditions in our family, mostly food, and a sprinkling of words. My Sito was very adamant about teaching all of us about where we came from and ways to keep it alive in our daily lives. My Japanese grandmother has taught me so much about art, crafting, sewing, and rolling sushi. She has tried to teach me Japanese, but teaching language isn't her strong point :) It is very sad for me to see Japan half destroyed and covered in radiation and Lebanon constantly warring or being bombed. I hope that I am not too far removed from the source and that my children carry on my love for my heritage.

KATHERINE asked... I apologize if this has already been asked....Diaper question for Cole....
Are you guys still using Fuzzi Bunz cloth diapers? You turned me onto them when my son was about 7 months old and I have been using them ever since. Although as of late I am finding that they don't "hold" as well (he is now 18 months). I am now using organic prefolds in them and this helps a lot. I apologize for the boring question...but was really curious if you stuck to the cloth thing! thanks :)

COLE: We used the bunz until Tessa was one, and still try and use them when we can. It didn't help that Ryan's office was in the laundry room where the diaper bag hung. We couldn't handle the smell anymore. and neither one of us had the time to wash them as often as we should. We both really loved them, and think they are a great product. Tessa really loved wearing them. Maybe now that I am home we will reinstate them. We just got so busy that we couldn't keep up with it, Tessa is in the middle of being potty trained and she seems to be responding pretty well to it all, so hopefully it won't be an issue. The next baby will absolutely be wearing Fuzzi Bunz, just like LB and Tessa.

JENNY asked... I also would love to know if Tessa's middle name is actually Tangerine -- I love it!

And, what do I do if I have ordinary straight hair and want curls? I've had perms in the past and they just look like, well, perms. And then, what product(s) do you recommend for us fake curly hair people? Those with naturally curly hair are so lucky!

Great blog; it's become my daily reader. :-)

COLE:No, it is not tangerine, but she is often called Tangerine, or Little TT.
Hair answers coming soon...

ANONO asked... Cole, Not trying to start anything here. but does it piss you off that so many women have completely jacked your maternity series idea? I know Ryan said something about it on twitter but I wanted to know if it annoyed you.

COLE: No, it doesn't. I think for Ryan it is a bit more personal, because it is his creation, and his art that is being copied. It is like painting the Mona Lisa with a different mouth and saying it is somehow different. I do however, think that it is weird that some people will copy every single thing about it, down to the poses. Some woman even named it the same thing and tried to say she just happened to be taking her weekly picture when she had her first contraction. Really?! The maternity series is something that we did for Tessa to have as an adult, something original and fresh, and we will be doing something different for any future babies, and I am sure people will copy that as well. Ryan has good ideas :)

STEPHANIE asked... Hi cole! do you think there is ever a "good" time to have kids?

COLE: Yes, before menopause :)

CONNIE asked... Hi Cole! What was your favorite childhood halloween costume? And what went through your mind when you first met Ryan?

Thank you for being willing to answer all our questions, because clearly, we're all quite curious about you! You are great! Hope you have a lovely day/weekend.

COLE: When my mother was young she was a dancer, she practiced ballet formally and was even offered a scholarship with a school in the performing arts in NY. My favorite costume was the year I got to pick any dance costume out of her trunk that I wanted. I was so excited, and for the night I forgot that I have absolutely no dancing skills.

When I first met Ryan I thought, "This asshole won't even look at me when I order a drink."

ANONO asked... I started reading you when dooce.com recommended you, and since then I've been following your life. You are really adorable and gentle family and I really like your blog buzz and love that is all present around you. I don't really have a question, but I just wanted to say hello from Croatia, Europe. Jana

COLE: Hello Jana from Croatia :)

SARA asked... Wow, there are so many questions already.... I'm curious about the rad hairstyles too. I have curly hair and I feel like most of the time it just makes me look too conservative. I would also love to hear more about being LB's mom. Awesome things, hard things, maybe some advice. Whatever.

COLE:Hair post coming soon, stay tuned.

ELSIE asked... Is Tessa's middle name really Tangerine? I was never certain if it was a blog pseudonym or actually printed on her birth certificate. It's a lovely name either way, I'm just curious.

You look so young for someone with a husband, house, career and two kids; how old are you and how old do you feel?

COLE: Not Tangerine, though we do love it, and call her that all of the time.
I am 28, and I feel 28. I have been busy, and I have been working hard. A bit off topic but, I am so excited for my 30th birthday that I am barley remembering that I have to turn 29 first. I can't wait, I don't know why.

AMANDA asked... Cole, So I'm sure I won't be the last person to ask about hair advice, but I'm in a pickle...

My hair is super thin and fine. So thin and fine, in fact, that if you put it in a pony tail on a non-humid day it would probably be the diameter of a dime. A FREAKING DIME.

Also, it's very puffy/fluffy/crazy. Like it curls oddly (probably more like waves) and is just strange-looking when left to its own devices. SO, I absolutely must blow dry it. But you will be happy to hear that I wash it every other day, use sulfate-free shampoo and stay away from flat irons :)

Anyway, my dilemma comes with finding a hair stylist. You see, every hair stylist in the world is gifted with amazing, thick hair. And I just feel like they don't even know where to start when it comes to people with thin hair.

I've tried various methods to help my stylist along ... like once I asked for the stylist with the thinnest hair they had, thinking that she'd understand my plight. I ended up with this Asian chick who only appeared to have thin hair because of all her layers. (it's like they don't even know what thin hair is!! haha)

Other times, I've explained in detail about my hair woes and what I go through to get it to be somewhat normal, and then the just start asking me if I color it a lot or if I'm a swimmer. no and no. It's like they assume I'm damaging my hair on my own when I'm NOT!! It's just naturally this bad.

So how would you suggest I go about finding a stylist? And what information would help them understand? And finally, are there any things I should tell them before they cut ... like instruments to use or techniques to try out?

I'd be forever in your debt.

Amanda

COLE:Hang tight Amanda I am going to answer all of these hair questions separately.

JULIE asked... I just found this blog and love seeing pictures of your family.
I don't know if this has already been covered on the blog, but I was wondering what it was like for you to introduce LB to Ryan? Were you scared, excited, etc? Did you have any apprehension about starting a relationship with someone when you were taking care of LB? Sorry if this is too personal. Thanks!

COLE: Ryan and I had been dating and LB and I were near his apartment at the park. I called Ryan to see if he was home, and he met us there. LB was passed out in my arms. We were walking around while I was carrying him and I kept thinking that my arms were going to fall off, but I think Ryan thought that it would be weird to hold him for me. I was excited, mostly because i am so proud of LB, and I wanted to share how awesome he is.
Of course I had apprehension. There wasn't any question about Ryan, he has been a wonderful step-pa for LB.

JASON HUDSON asked... What's your drink of choice? Would you be my gin buddy? We bought a condo in Fort Lauderdale, so FL Summit will happen, for sure. Jeremy and Kathleen can stay with us, and we'll make the trek to Orlando!

COLE: Hendrix and Tonic with a squeeze of lime, Now since most place don't have Hendrix, I default to Tanquery and Tonic with a squeeze of lime. NOW, that is not to say I don't enjoy a good Margarita. Why can't we stay with you? you like them better?

EMILY asked... Hi Cole, So much of Ryan's writing resonates with me, but there was one post in particular that has stuck. He wrote something along the lines of the fact that though stress levels were through the roof, your love for one another was stronger than ever. How do you guys handle stress and your relationship?

COLE: It really depends on the kind of stress. Talk it out, and we have never been to proud to go back to our pre-marital counselor for a tune up, everyone needs a tune up every now and then.

THE PANIC ROOM asked... I thought there would be WAY more questions about sex.

COLE: I thought there would be way more sex.



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Sanctuary

In case you snow stuck folks were wondering if it was already getting hot in Florida as you plan your spring break escapes and excursions, This photo should answer that for you. Tessa and Cole learned the hard way the other afternoon that Florida was back to its old hot and sweaty ways when they ventured out for a walk... the sidewalks are already heating up to stove top temperatures around here. Burnt toes indeed. Thank goodness for that little piece of shade granting them asylum from the sun. They look stuck there. So funny.

"The Cole answers" are posting later today. I thought this cuteness would hold you over until then.



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Ladybugs

Who could resist a tub of 1500 live Ladybugs for 9.99 at the local nursery for Tessa to be introduced to the friendliest and luckiest bug in all of the bug world? I know I couldn't. We got these buggers home and Cole held Tessa on her lap, and we opened up the lid, and Tessa said: "Oh Wow!" when they started flying out and crawling around. There was a second where she started to get a little overwhelmed when they kept pouring out of the container. It was an impressive amount of bugs. Spring fun.

Now I just have to find a great big swarm of fireflies somewhere around here this summer. Anyone know of any places that ALWAYS has fireflies? We will travel. Cole has never seen them, and I would LOVE to find them.



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Instant Love

I used to want to be a filmmaker and make all these movies about things and stuff and be awesome, and while I was young and incredibly stupid I spent most of my time sitting around just wishing about it. I did very little to actually obtain that dream. However, every time I did manage to put some effort into becoming that filmmaker, there was always this one guy that I would call to help me with some insanely expensive and technically challenging aspect of that process, and he always came through, he always helped. I'm not sure why-- I think he just thought it was cool that people were trying to make "art," and so he helped that process. He is just like that. He is good hearted, and hard working, and a real talent.

So when this guy called me up and asked me to help him out and photograph his wedding, it was impossible to say no to him despite my fear of shooting out weddings. I did try and talk him into a video instead, because I am not comfortable photographing weddings AT ALL, and I wish that I was as insanely awesome at it like THESE people are, but he wanted photographs not a video, so I couldn't weasel out of taking the pictures. He said: "look it is a very simple wedding, and I just want a handful of nice B&W shots, a handful of color shots, and that is it." So I asked him if he minded me trying to shoot the Big Day out on "The Goose" (the Polaroid 600SE) and he was really into it, and so that was the plan. Shoot his wedding with The Goose. So I went from trying to get out of taking pictures, to taking pictures on a camera that you can't make mistakes on. How did that happen?

In order to shoot as fast as I wanted to, and not be worrying about the cook times on the pack film, I had Cole take a break from answering her million questions, and come with me. I would drop the Polaroids as I shot, and she would sweep through and pick them all up and time them out, peel the film, make sure they dried, and didn't get developer all over them. She basically kept me organized and saved the day. She was amazing. I couldn't have done it without her.

If you follow me on twitter you might have noticed me on there being all excited about the process, and the feeling of shooting out a wedding with instant film. At the end of the ceremony I had a small stack of photos in my hand, and I got to watch their faces as they stood and looked through them together. It was really amazing to just hand them over, no editing, no worries, just here they are. I asked permission to post a handful of shots and he was cool with it, so here are a few of my favorite shots, I would love to do something like this again, but without the pressure of being the only photographer.

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SIDENOTE **** Due to the amazing response to my last post the "Ask Cole" special, and the volume of questions for her within each comment, Cole and I have made the very important decision to go ahead and start building a blogger site for her to get to the answering of all of these. Of course she wanted to make sure she answered them all thoroughly and gave them some good thought... so the first post and round of questions will go up on THIS Wednesday. Hang in there while we slap something together for her. Cole was floored when she started reading through them all, I was jealous that she had so many great writing prompts. She could blog everyday for 3 months straight without a break and still have questions left over. .

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Asking Things

I can't stand to bore you with another post about me being busy, so I have asked Cole to step in and help me for a little while as I get caught up. I hate it when this blog sits. It feels like a sink full of dishes, or like I've been wearing the same pair of jeans for 5 days straight with no shower, you know that feeling? No? Just me? I'm gross.

First things first, I wanted to make sure that I credited the very cool (and quickly earning "aunt" status around here) Kathleen for coming up with a nice blog feature where she opened up her fabulous blog to her readers so they could ask questions to her husband Jeremy, who makes frequent appearances and is a big part of her blog. She even gets him to pose for pictures and does outfit posts. There were all kinds of good questions about their life together, and how he feels about the blog and being on it. It was awesome to read, and the questions were all interesting and some very funny. Then our mutual blogging friend Jason (who we love, despite his thievery) completely and shamelessly ripped her great idea off with no pause at all, and that opened up things for me when I saw that he didn't get in any trouble at all with Kathleen. I was all... "well, if Jason did it, then I'm definitely going to do it too now. Definitely!" So here we go... I'm not even going to try and spice it up and add some new twist to it in some feeble effort to make it seem more authentic and original. I did wait an entire month before I ripped it off (unlike Jason).

So here is how it works. You can ask Cole a question in the comments section of this post, and in a few days, if anyone is curious enough to ask about anything, she will take some time and answer them in a separate post. Maybe you have some questions you have wanted to ask, or maybe I failed to follow up on some story with no closure. I am giving her the same freedom she gave me when I started this blog, to answer openly and candidly.

When I first started this blog, the tag line read something like: "My wife gave me permission to write openly and candidly about our life, so this is what I did." And it was very true, Cole absolutely gave me no boundaries for this blog, nothing was off limits as I told the story of our decision to make a baby, and the resulting pregnancy, and then the birth of Tessa Tangerine. This blog was an open book, and I wrote about everything. If Cole wouldn't have had the trust to let me share the stories I wanted to tell, this blog would not have had any fire to it, no spark. Her trust and her confidence in me, is what made this blog fun and inspiring to write in every day. She made this blog. It's ours, without her it could never work.




So, I'm turning it over to all of you who read here. If you have always wanted to know something, or maybe you are just curious about short curly hair styles :) please take this chance to ask Cole.

Have fun.



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The Looks

As I mentioned I have been shooting for L'Oréal at the American Beauty Show in Chicago the last few days, and so I wanted to share some of my most favorite shots with you while I fly my butt home to Cole and the kids. I missed them more than usual. It was nonstop noise this trip, and between all the hair flying around, and the usual insanity of the show room floor, the mood was mixed-- people would share news updates about Japan between shows. It just kept getting worse, and the bad news certainly has not slowed down since. I remember the last time I was in Chicago we were passing around a donation jar for victims of the earthquake in Haiti. Here we are a year later, at the same show, and I still can't believe the news footage I am seeing. I just wanted to be home with Cole and close to family. Cole's GG Mama has made contact with all her family members in Japan, they were not harmed and are safe, so that was a big relief for her, but now they have new fears to worry about.

The ABS show has wrapped, and I have been hanging out with the editor all night (we call him "The Kid") watching him work on the video footage I turned in while I went through all my still shots. It's hard for me not to cut this footage because it is some of my favorite stuff I have shot. In addition to putting on a great show, Redken threw an amazing party downtown in Chicago, and I burned 2 batteries dead capturing it all. I will be making a video of that party to post here eventually. A little treat. I will take you to a cool rock club where I shot a fashion show and a really killer band that I was not expecting to like, and I ended up having a blast watching their set. I can't remember the last time I saw a live show. I have some work to do first, I have a wedding to cut, I have been working with the Gap again on a new great big huge surprise to get ready for all of you, and a shoot to plan with Grace from Design Sponge for their new book coming out soon, and a wedding I agreed to shoot for a friend entirely on my Polaroid, and I am on call this week to document a birth story that could be unfolding any day now. Fingers crossed for that baby to wait till I get home and caught up on some much needed family time and a couple hours of sleep.

AND totally unrelated, if any of you are friends or fans of the super awesome band Rabbit that did half the songs on the Do Fun Stuff album for me-- Rabbit! is releasing a new EP today. AND if you would like a free track from them, you can grab one of their catchy positive tunes all about "possibility" right HERE and while your song downloads, read the sweet story of how the band ended up making their song "possibilty" with some B. Toys of LB's and Tessa's that they saw around our house. Seriously it's wonderful and totally FREE. And it will put you in a great mood and keep you there. It's great medicine.

So while I fly home, please enjoy some of the looks from the ABS show... I covered five L'Oréal brands that had artists and stages at this show: Matrix, Mizani, Pureology, L'Oréal Professional, and Redken, so that is why there is so much variety. As usual I liked the curly looks the best. Cole has made me curly haired crazy. I keep thinking that Cole would make a really great platform artist someday. She is handy with both a pair of scissors and a microphone. I am definitely leaving here inspired to put together new shoots collaborating with Cole.

Now, check out some hair...

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In A Hairy Situation

I'm at the great American Beauty Show in Chicago shooting loads of video and eating too much pizza. I will be back soon with all the sights.

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Selections From A Teenage Symphony

As I said in yesterday's post. I wanted to put some light on this short story that I wrote. I previewed a small portion of this here a long time ago when I was still trying to make this project a reality. I quickly took it down after it posted for fear I had ruined the project forever by revealing it before it was done. This is the story of a high school boy named Willem Larkin. A character that I created and often journaled as, that hatches a plan to stop the relentless and brutal bullying of his best friend Anthony. He becomes the unlikely protector of the weak at his school, and instead of fighting back with violence, he decides to write and produce a musical play to put on at the school to turn the numbers in their favor, to get the school on their side, so that they outnumber the bullies.

Yes I know. I created this story in 2001, long before Glee was around. The stories were to be presented as a digital novel online, on it's own website. It was to be a glimpse inside Willem's journal that he named: "Selections From a Teenage Symphony." Each entry was to be released at the same time, each week, much like episodic television. One entry a week. Each entry would tell another piece of his story, along with the words, would be new art, Willem's B&W photography, and new songs. At the end of the story we were going to actually cast, build sets, and put on this musical, and film all of it, and then present it online on the site as the last entry to the story. In addition we were going to physically make a limited number of custom journals filled with the writing, and original artwork, and photos, and release it as a hard copy book. An ambitious project that never got enough steam to become a reality over the years.

I asked the super talented Anna Bond to do the art, this was just a month or so before Rifle Paper totally took off and she was instantly slammed with orders and creations and had to back away from this project. And I asked my best friend and musical talent Devin Moore from the band "Rabbit" to write music for the project. We still talk about the final musical play, and if time ever gets on our side, we intend to make this project a reality. It would be so fun to make. I have produced and directed a few plays in my past, and would love to be back in a theater. Until then... please enjoy the first entry in its entirety.

“There’s nothing left to do now but go over the fence.”

I hit the asphalt after the screaming, it was near my wreck of a car, a classic Buick colored a magnificent sweet- pickle-green. The heat vapors were pouring off it, taking lashes from the straight burn of the sun. It sat parked in this massive lot that held spots for 500 cars but provided no shade or escape from the brutal August heat. It was barren with one exception: a lone oak tree that was inserted into this ridiculous void. It was planted here as a memorial long ago, for a boy who slammed his car into a pole while drunk on 100 beers. There it stood, as a shitty reminder to class after class of binge drinking teens of what can happen when you drink and drive. The tree grows taller and looms larger as this dead boys legend grows, it serves as a safety that we dare not mix ourselves up with the lure of alcohol. Thank goodness for the tree, or we would have a real mess on our hands. Good grief. Other kids chose not to park under the tree, like the kid was a haunter. I parked under the "dead kid tree" all the time. It was a good spot.



The hysterical hollering I heard that had sent me off for the parking lot turned from screams, to taunts and cheers. I slowed my walk and looked out to the car.

I could see Anthony’s marching band tuba that sat on top of the Buick glowing in the afternoon sun. It was shooting glares off of its polished metal body like a beacon. There it was sitting, waiting on the roof of the faded and cracked ragtop that’s original coat of majestic black has been robbed of any deep sense of the original color, it was chipped and peeling and lousy. Anthony and I meet at the Buick when he is done with his band practice. This is ritual. This is the routine. I am never in a hurry to rush home. I never mind waiting. It was time to gather up Anthony and go, but there was no Anthony by the Buick.

From a distance, about halfway to the car I saw that the usual swarm of boys that patrol the school lots at the end of days had circled themselves a catch, but they were not moving in for any kills. I always imagined these boys as a sort of hive-collective, They behave much like wasps or hornets to be more precise. They attack unprovoked, usually for nothing more than territorial conquest. As if to say, how dare you wander into our space and not be one of us. How dare you be a different thing, and so they strike.

They are aggressive, mean, relentless, and many. However, as an aside, if found alone they are easy enough to deal with, these cowards need their numbers.

As usual not a single bit of useful adult supervision was present to protect any of us from ourselves. You could occasionally see them scurrying in the distance building to building-- unwilling to be burdened with any real responsibility after the school clock had chimed it’s last bell. All that was left for us was unsupervised vacancy, and the brutality of the boiled black tar surface of this parking lot of 105 degrees. It was a quarter to four, we were abandoned. This was the price you pay for participating in extra curricular activities to pin and present onto your transcript lapel.

On the 4 acre black lot, just a few cars were parked and unattended, off in the distance, a couple lingered around getting in a good dose of heavy petting and sloppy makeouts before they had to go home for the day. The only other activity on the lot was that of this obvious circle of howling boys.

I could hear the weeping and a solid tone of pleading. “Please” was repeated in such grand repetition that it stuttered into one resonant sound of wimpy vowels.

I walked slowly past the circle towards my car and was never observed. From my car I could see that as usual it was Anthony that had been trapped by the swarm of boys. I took his Tuba down from the roof and held it in its intended proper position of play.

Anthony was a childhood friend that had been appointed and dubbed that title, “friend” for no other reason then simple geography. Not many kids make a choice to be my friend, so deep down I am grateful for Anthony's sweet enthusiasm about our friendship. He was neighbor to me in a string of houses that certainly would never be considered a neighborhood on the books. But it was ours. Over the years we had slipped into a quiet behavior of ignoring polite conversation, and just carried out the duties that were required from having grown up together. Car rides, birthday cards from parents, we attended one another’s accomplishments that warranted neckties. Through all the routine and rut however, I remained fiercely loyal and protective of him. Not that I was spending any time physically defending him against the violent side of his mistreatment. Particularly I was taking specific note of it and putting a plan together to stop it once and for all. And after this days torture it was finally time to put that plan to work. It was time to save this kid.

Anthony was a target and a punching bag of abuse from every circle of student that attended school. His flaw or burden that was cross to bear was the possession of an enormously large bottom half. It was cruelties prize, a child’s nightmare, a glandular defect, and all of the worlds stares were collected and carried in the most comical waddle metered out by his short tide piling legs that rolled fat at the back of knees, and made no sense in comparison with his lean and good looking upper torso. He had a chiseled face that wore healthy red hair. His top half was quite striking, but it only lent oddity when you viewed the whole package. He looked like a curse, and was treated as such. This thin good looking top half of a boy stuffed down into this oddly fat bottom half.

Anthony John Glennastus was his full name. The kids have all been calling him ‘John-John” since the 5th grade when he exploded and went from cute kid to their freak. Of course he was dubbed with two John’s because his ass is so fat it’s like he is carrying around a whole entire other person. John-John was the chorus he was given.

I was the only one that called him Anthony.

(In the early mornings when Anthony fought off grog and sluggishness he would stretch for sky and reach his arms extended and pressed tight against his head, all the while swaying at the hips. Creaking and cracking at his knees. His thin upper body attached to the squatty round ball of grotesque fat. His arms sticking up like squirmy feelers, he appeared more like a snail coming out of it’s shell to explore his heights rather then a stretching human boy.)

It was my duty to deliver Anthony home safely out of respect for parental wishes of good faith and honor. Family bonds that had been forged like some pre-arranged marriage that was burdened upon the first one of us “kids” to be licensed to drive. It was old “respect” that my father would have wanted me to keep up. My mother certainly couldn’t care less I was doing anything for Anthony.

Today was not unlike most. Except that the weeping and fear was at an all time pitch; it seemed strange to me that he was not accustom to the bullying that came with the end of each day. With that said, It was not uncommon for me to find Anthony in these instances, it was uncommon however for me to watch.

The swarm had been inventive this day, and must have grown bored of the normal daily torture. Pretty standard and routinely it was the game of dumping the contents of his back-pack out onto the ground, then with total glee and jubilation, squeals of laughter accompanied the kicks to his enormous ass while he would struggle and bend over to pick up his belongings, they would take turns kicking him over and over and onto the ground, repeating “ Get up Fat Fuck” or “Pick up your trash Fat Ass” and it just felt like it would never stop. Always some combination of calling him fat and knocking him over in some new way. This day however was different: Today, they had taken Anthony’s pants down, and they had taken his sweat browned underwear and yanked them down round his ankles. He stood pasty white and weeping, terrified within the circle. The other boys had hold of his arms and his shoulders, and there he was, big fat soft Anthony making a go of it… he would try and pull himself away. Not with a huge amount of effort but enough to protect his pride. He either knew it was a fight he could not win, or it was a fight that he did not have the courage to attempt. He kept saying please. It was hard to hear over the other boy’s laughter and excitement of what was to come.

And then they struck.

Anthony was pounded in the back of his knees, the boys moved like a wave slamming into breakers until stout legs buckled. One boy grabbed both ankles and pulled his feet from under him in one crisp willful move. The other boys forced Anthony’s big fat naked ass onto the burning hot cooked asphalt. The strength of 6 boys kept Anthony pinned to the ground. The sizzle of skin was so obvious to witness that the sound took over ears and the smell of flesh crept up nostrils and made me nauseous. All Anthony could do was writhe and pitch his screams to unbearable decibels that would earn him release. His face exploded in pain and he became wild, I saw him as they had turned him.

It was only then that I felt my mouth was dry from being left open and wind blown. All I could do was stand frozen with my jaw flung open.

And then without purpose… just as much as the initial unsolicited torture, just as fast as they had encircled and pounced, they withdrew in unison, and never looked back. It was just satisfaction. The order had been enforced as a daily ritual and the swarm flew on.

Anthony struggled to his knees and gathered his clothes from around ankles and dressed. They had fried the backs of his legs, and his ass was a scorching cherry red. His embarrassed eyes darting around the empty lot, begging that this was not witnessed by many. His eyes were still wild searching back to calm trying to find justice, retaliation, a protector. He found none of it, these things did not exist in this place and time, and not even the couple lounging in teenage bliss had bothered to give this day’s spectacle a bit of their attention.

I stood with the Tuba poised for pucker and I licked my lips still dry from wide-open poor posture of awe. I pushed my lips into the mouthpiece and I blew a low grumbled hum to let Anthony know I was in possession of his instrument, and had his ride home away from the embarrassment. The tone from the Tuba had alerted the swarm that they had indeed been witnessed and watched. Only the lead boy turned his head round shoulder for a quick glance to see that it was me, I had just been marked, I felt it soak in just as casual as his glance had been delivered… without pause he continued on his path.

Anthony was just finishing pulling up pants when he saw me. I think he actually tried to smile? I think he knew whose side I was on. I think he knew that I did love him. I think he knew that I would make this better somehow. I had to rescue my friend from this life. Every time they bully him it gets a little worse. The more nobody stops it, the crazier they get.



He approached the Buick and I suggested he lie in the back and get some grief out. We did not speak of the burn. We just sat for a few minutes not saying a thing. His crying was not slowing down so I played him a song that I loved, a song my father used to play for me when I was young by Gordon Lightfoot entitled “The Wreck of the Edmond Fitzgerald.”

Anthony wept in the backseat, muttering wishes of death and verbal searches for karma between sobs. I drove the long way home. I had the song and Anthony’s release of emotion in my ears. I was swelling.

I had to quiet that pain pouring from Anthony. It was breaking my heart. I tried to fill my head with possibility. His relentless crying was pushing all the guilt of being a bystander to his torture to the top and I hated myself. What was I going to do against all those boys in that moment? You can't make them stop by being violent back. They had to be dealt with in a much stronger way. These boys can't think themselves out of anything, I needed numbers, I needed to get the rest of the school on Anthony's side.

I made extra effort to comfort Anthony and asked him if he would come over later, and to please bring along his tuba. I told him that I had finally thought of a song that I would like him to play a part on. He was always asking me if he could play on a song of mine. He was one of the only people that has ever heard my music. He was still crying and couldn’t think of anything else but the abuse he endured that day. I wanted to be sure to give him something of a distraction from the day and a hiding place from the relentless embarrassing reaction his parents would suffer him through. He needed to feel included. He loved that he could play that Tuba.

I slowed the car, turned round in my seat and made it clear that something would be done about all of this. “ Do you want this to stop?” He went into a grand rant of giving up and not ever going back to school and at the end of it all, the same question of WHY? Why does it happen to him?

I told him it was fury. We were being torn apart. It wasn't a choice that we get to make. "It’s not your fault" I said. Instantly hating that something as ignorant had jumped from my tongue and landed out in the open, and it was the only offer up of comfort. Who says that? “It’s not your fault.” There are just some kids that get marked for this life, and somewhere along the line Anthony appeared to the pack as a big open wound, and they have been devouring him ever since.

All I knew was that this kid had a gorgeous soul and that at this age, and in this school, most kids can't see heart. They see outfits, and cars, and friend lists, and football scores, and nobody cares about the potential any of us have. So I had to get this kid to be seen as something else. We have to turn some heads...

I went home and finished writing this song for Anthony to play on. I wrote it so he had something to be sad with whenever I'm not around. I wanted it to feel like a hug. His Tuba sounds grand.



The Wreck of the Anna Maria


(Chorus)

The wreck of the Anna Maria
We were so young, we thought that our ship had come in
On the wreck of the Anna Maria
What else could I tell her, we should have known better by then

(Verse)

So put on your best dress or your dad’s uniform
Pull the curtains to half-mast there are reasons to mourn
You can go tell the captain I never abandoned my post
You can see it in the way that I walk you’ll swear that I am a ghost

(Chorus)

On the wreck of the Anna Maria
We were so damn sure we could fight off the clatter and din
On the wreck of the Anna Maria
We held her together as long as we could
But wave after wave crushed us in

(Bridge)

I’m a fool I was broken all over this whole godless ocean
And no prison’s worth holding a man who is out of emotion
Tell me what do you fake or what do you take for the pain
It feels like my hearts breaking
Like it’s going to rain
Like I’m falling away

(Coda)

Is it gonna rain
Is it gonna pour like this every night
Is it gonna rain
Is it gonna pour like this every night


What else was worth saving?
The daylight was fading
The gale forces ripped through the sails
We crashed through the breakers the liars the fakes
It feels like I’m falling
It feels like I’m falling away
The wreck of the Anna Maria
We were so young, we thought that our ship had come in…

Story by: Ryan Marshall
Illustrations by:Anna Bond
Music by: Devin Moore

Selections From A Teenage Symphony ©Ryan Marshall 2011. Please do not repost, copy, or steal any art, words, or music, from this page.

Thanks for reading all of this if you did, it was a hard thing to put out there.



P.S. Willem Larkin was the first person to ever say: "All the Love in the Universe"

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