Finding Cole

If you have bothered to venture over to my new Tumblr site you will see that it's been hard for me to put down the new iPhone and pick up any other camera. I am absolutely loving photo blogging this way, it feels effortless, and in some ways realized that it is way more personal and revealing than anything I used to write here. The Tumblr is here to stay and I FINALLY found a way to have Cole easily blog with me. So we are both contributing to All the Love in the Universe, and it has filled up fast with our life. She even thought up a clever way to show off some of what she does at the salon. The girl is handy with an iPhone that's for sure. I had a real actual moment where my mind was blown, sparks and smoke were sizzling out of ears, and my jaw was dropped open on the floor as I thought about how far these camera phones have come. I thought ahead to just two upgrades from now, and really truly believe that if they can ever figure out a real solution to some kind of reliable sharp zoom feature on a camera phone, the ol' point and shoot walking around camera industry is in for some hard times. Real hard times. Now if you could just custom set your white balance.

So far my official review for the iPhone 4S is this: They put an amazing camera on a terrible phone... I'm hooked.

Anyway, what am I doing writing in here?! I'm not supposed to be doing that. The truth is old habits die hard, and every morning, no matter what I told myself, I would wake up, and open up this dashboard, hit new post and stare at a blank screen and wonder why I couldn't write anything. This morning I just felt like talking I guess. I feel better. Why? Well because I have been spending more time with Cole.

So last week Cole and I had to get a babysitter for a few hours to go to a meeting, and after that meeting, we decided to go have a beer before we got home since we had some extra time. We only stayed out for an hour together, but in that hour I realized how badly I needed this kind of interaction outside of the house. It was in this hour that I realized a big reason for my quiet here, is that I don't like just talking about the kids and family life all the time, that a big part of this blog was about my relationship with Cole and how insistent we were on keeping hold of our identities. We both have our careers going where we want them, and we have our family, but what about our relationship? Whoops, we forgot to keep time just for us. A big part of this blog in the beginning was about the fight not to lose ourselves entirely to the children and family life. We lost that battle. Obviously. All of the sudden I am wearing dad clothes and walking around Target in slippers and excited about some new yogurt flavor I just saw.

Anyway.

That quick little impromptu date came at the end of a week of pregnancy tests, Cole was about 7 days late, and every day, she took a new test, and every day it was negative, and we would wait 3 minutes, then look at the stick, then explode: "WHAT?!! This is fucking crazy." and after 6 days it was just full on bonkers and confusion. Turns out she was just thrown off schedule as her cycle was lining up with new people at work. That is one of the strangest things about women I think-- some sister planet comes into your orbit and all of the sudden galaxies collide and start pulling against the other, and everything has to align just right just so that everyone is spraying hormones at the same time. Just crazy.

As soon as we knew that Cole was not pregnant. I felt relieved. I wasn't expecting that reaction. Not at all. I was relieved? I was. I'm not ready. I had no idea I wasn't ready. I want my wife. That's exactly what I want. So we talked, and we decided to take full advantage of all of our wonderful grandmas and grandpas, and good friends,while they all still think the children are adorable and lovely and want to watch them. So we will happily accept the offers, and concentrate solely on us for a few hours a week. Just a few hours, that doesn't sound like much, but I mean just that one hour alone last week was like getting an adrenaline shot plunged into my heart. We went home and made out like teenagers, (although I had just shaved my beard off a couple days prior, so that make-out session wasn't so great for Cole. The stubbles. Ouch.) The point is, that even if it is just one outing a week, with an occasional weekend getaway thrown in, it's going to give us the chance to just be Ryan and Cole and its really easy to forget who they are sometimes. I see Cole smile every single day, but there is something completely different when she is smiling back at me just because we are sitting across from one another and we know we can talk about anything we want without a child climbing on your head. Even when we were out with friends, there is just something amazing about looking across a crowded room and catching her eyes and getting that smile of hers. It's always going to make me swoon.

The strangest part of marriage I have found is that you can spend every single day together, hours on end, and talk constantly about all kinds of things, but somehow have no idea that you feel lonely.

A few P.S. things:

If you do head over to the new Tumblr there is an "Ask" feature located in the header. I have never really opened up to questions before. But it would be kind of interesting to see if anyone has anything on their minds.

If you have not heard I am really addicted to instagram, and am loving the photos, and my buddy Mike just sent me this cool new thing: Watch out refrigerator, here comes instagram magnets.

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Poof

I usually save these Instagram shots for the Tumblr site I started. However today when I sent this pic through Instagram and filled in the caption: "School Kid" it made me run out of air, and I got sad. I went with Cole this morning to drop the kids off at school so we could spend some time together this morning. I can't seem to catch up with Cole, I still miss her as much as when I was out of town. She is doing so great being back at the salon, I love seeing her there.

So this picture. Ugh this picture. Looking at this picture of Tessa and standing there in the courtyard of her school, it finally occurred to me why I have been feeling so off. Why I have been so quiet around here, and online in general. I don't have nearly the amount of time that I used to have with everyone, and being online is time I can be with my family, and in a blink, my baby girl is in school. And she looks like a kid. And I don't want to miss the time we get together because of being online. Tessa ran around the school calling out "Daddy look" and she was so excited to show me all the things she likes there. I have been avoiding going, because I didn't want to believe she was already ready for school. It was so easy for her. She just loves it. She jumped in. I got so busy with work and travel, Cole and I had to find a consistent smart option for Tessa to thrive when I am gone. It was a weird blow, to see how much she loved being at school. I kind of secretly wanted her to think staying at home with dad was WAY more fun than school. I lost out to construction paper and glue sticks, and a pack of 2 year olds that think she is hilarious, and scream and run faster and louder than I do.

So I am making some blogging changes around here. I am going to try some things out. I want to see what it feels like to get rid of twitter, and to just photo blog for awhile. Tell my stories without all the jib jab I am prone to jab. I am really loving the Instagram Tumblr relationship, so I think I want to focus on shooting on film exclusively here, and use this blog to share that progress. I need to be quiet. I am busy in my own head. Normally that leads to some great inspired energy to put into this space, it is just going somewhere else right now...

I have a project I have been concentrating on that has derailed pretty much everything I had been focusing on prior-- the hair blog for Cole, shooting more fashion work, launching a real deal photo/video business. All of it has been put on hold for the last few months as I am working on a slightly insane project for my family. It could become a cool opportunity, but whether it does or not, it is something that I think will really change our lives for the better no matter what happens. The odds are so slim and small I would never dare count on it. I only mention it, because I have been putting so much energy into it, that I wanted to address it in some way. Vague enough?! I know. I know. Why even mention it, I am so irritating.

So, as I am going to be working with film, the posts might be a little slower, but I am definitely NOT going anywhere.

I am excited to be quiet. With all that is going down in the world, and seeing the news unfold each day, my head is so busy with worry and opinions, and I see the writing on the wall for some hard times in my industry, even harder than before. It's getting harder for everyone. I'm not ready to march the family into protests or anything, but I am absolutely storing acorns for this winter rolling in fast. It's going to be a harsh one. I worry, that's just what I do. I worry.

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Let's Get Caught Up

I hadn't planned on such a long silence around here, I was lucky enough to get a string of work all right in a row, and it left me a little short on the spare time. So I figured I would fill up a post with a sampling of what has kept me away. It was interesting to me to see this work rolled out in a nice neat column to see how truly random the work flow has been this year.

I shot a project for the very talented stylist Kimmi Jones who works with Cole at the salon Alchemy here in town. We set up shop at the salon on an off day, and did a variety of looks. We actually got some of these shots printed and mounted with some before/after Polaroids I took mounted alongside the finished pieces, so the displays are essentially makeovers. I really like the way they turned out. For any of you buddies that go to Alchemy, they are hanging up in the reception area, and be sure to tell Kimmi congratulations :)

I shot 3,904 images over the course of 3 days for Redken who was in town doing a hair show for Florida salons. It's always interesting to be surrounded by 1,800 hairstylists and salon owners.







Redken threw in a fashion show just for fun one of the nights...




And then I set up shop and shot out some party booth pics. I always make sure I have had a little bit to drink so I loosen up enough to get people to loosen up enough. I mean it's a party, it should look like it was at least a fun time.





And then I jumped on a plane and headed off to Hadley, MA. I absolutely fell in love with this place, and actually had to force myself to stay focused during the shoot, because I kept drifting off in my head fantasizing about coming home, and convincing everyone to move here. It was completely an unexpected reaction, and I am already making plans to bring Cole back for a weekend just so she can see it for herself. Of course it helped that I had such incredible hosts. This ended up being one of my most favorite jobs I have done.





I went to Hadley to make a book trailer for Storey Publishing, (I know a book trailer again, who knew I would get so excited about making book trailers!). Storey is a branch of Artisan books, and they make books about country wisdom, do-it-yourself, gardening, and well-being. And in this case they are releasing a book on a couple of friends who started sewing together and made a book about Improv Sewing. Here are some screen shots from the soon to be released trailer. It was such an easy location to shoot at. I am really excited to get to the final edit of this piece and share it here.





The downside to being busy of course is that I miss my family so much, so there is always the plugging myself back into their lives day. The kids are super hyper at first, and then act a little bitter and weird for a couple hours, like "HEY! You left us. How could you do that?!" Not to mention that my traveling is a big disruption to The Littlest Buddies crucial routine, I fear there is going to be a day as he gets older and more rigid and dependent on his routines, that I am not going to be able to travel for work. Time will tell. The kids were extra amped up this weekend because everyone has been patiently waiting to dig into the Halloween decorations and get the house looking like Halloween town. So we spent the rainy weekend inside making our big Halloween plans. We think the children have decided on robots, despite LB marching around the house proclaiming that he is "Pumpkin Man." As far as the robot thing goes, I will say that two year olds are the perfect height for a good ol fashioned Astro droid, but I don't think we will go that route. This is definitely Cole territory. I will start looking for the perfect boxes.





This week is anniversary week around here. Pacing the Panic Room turns three years old. I have no real plans on how to celebrate that milestone. I just know that I am pretty blown away looking back at how much things have changed in just three years. I am of course the most happy to see the biggest changes in the photography around here, I can't believe how bad some of the stuff I was shooting was. How much I relied on Photoshop to "save" pictures. Ugh. Just terrible behavior. I will most definitely be getting sappy and grateful about all of the encouragement and support that I have received the last three years from the people who read here. Some of which have been reading from the beginning. I can't say thank you enough for the comments and emails that have been sent that have served as sweet kicks in the ass to keep working hard and growing, and motivating me to keep chasing down dreams. It's absolutely a crazy time in America to be trying to figure out how to have a dream life, I am lucky to get the work that I do, and I really truly feel like without the chance to come here and vent, and try things out, and experiment, and be a panicky mess, that i wouldn't have the confidence to keep running after the jobs that I do every day. So thank you.



P.S. While I was mostly absent from this blog for a couple weeks, I managed to stay active on Instagram and blogged those shots on my Tumblr, which I am really enjoying. I love that it has gotten me to shoot the everyday in a much more casual snapshots and glimpses kind of way. I feel like it tells better stories than I do. So I am most definitely fully addicted to the combo of Instagram and Tumblr. If you have not checked it out, it lives HERE

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